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?9 


THOUSAND 


AY  EAR. 


Fortuna  sjevo  laeta  negotio,  et 
Lucium  insolentum  ludere  pertinax, 
Transmutat  incertos  honores, 
Nunc  mihi,  nunc  alii  benigna. 
Laudo  manentem :  si  celeres  quatit 
Pennas,  resigno  quae  dedit,  et  mea 
Virtute  me  involve-,  probamque 
Pauperiem  sine  dote  quaero. 

Hor.  Carm.  Lib.  iii.  49. 


PHILADELPHIA : 

CAREY    AND    HART. 

1840. 


C.  SHERMAN  AND  CO.  PRINTERS. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 


CHAPTER  I. 


About  ten  o'clock  one  Sunday  morning,  in  the  month 
of  July,  183 — ,  the  dazzling  sunbeams  which  had  for 
many  hours  irradiated  a  little  dismal  back  attic  in  one  of 
the  closest  courts  adjoining  Oxford  Street,  in  London, 
and  stimulated  with  their  intensity  the  closed  eyelids  of  a 
young  man  lying  in  bed,  at  length  awoke  him.  He  rub- 
bed his  eyes  for  some  time,  to  relieve  himself  from  the 
irritation  he  experienced  in  them ;  and  yawned  and 
stretched  his  limbs  with  a  heavy  sense  of  weariness,  as 
though  his  sleep  had  not  refreshed  him.  He  presently 
cast  his  eyes  on  the  heap  of  clothes  lying  huddled  toge- 
ther on  the  backless  chair  by  the  bedside,  and  where  he 
had  hastily  flung  them  about  an  hour  after  midnight ;  at 
which  time  he  had  returned  from  a  great  draper's  shop 
in  Oxford  Street,  where  he  served  as  a  shopman,  and 
where  he  had  nearly  dropped  asleep  after  a  long  day's 
work,  while  in  the  act  of  putting  up  the  shutters.  He 
could  hardly  keep  his  eyes  open  while  he  undressed, 
short  as  was  the  time  it  took  him  to  do  so ;  and  on  drop- 
ping exhausted  into  bed,  there  he  had  continued  in  deep 
unbroken  slumber  till  the  moment  he  is  presented  to  the 
reader.  He  lay  for  several  minutes,  stretching,  yawning, 
and  sighing,  occasionally  casting  an  irresolute  eye  to- 
wards  the  tiny  fireplace,  where  lay  a  modicum  of  wood 
and  coal,  with  a  tinder-box  and  a  match  or  two  placed 
upon  the  hob,  so  that  he  could  easily  light  his  fire  for  the 


4  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

purposes  of  shaving  and  breakfasting.  He  stepped  at 
length  lazily  out  of  bed,  and  when  he  felt  his  feet  again 
yawned  and  stretched  himself,  then  he  lit  his  fire,  placed 
his  bit  of  a  kettle  on  the  top  of  it,  and  returned  to  bed, 
where  he  lay  with  his  eyes  fixed  on  the  fire,  watching  the 
crackling  blaze  insinuating  itself  through  the  wood  and 
coal.  Once,  however,  it  began  to  fail,  so  he  had  to  get 
up  and  assist  it  by  blowing  and  bits  of  paper;  and  it 
seemed  in  so  precarious  a  state  that  he  determined  not 
again  to  lie  down,  but  sit  on  the  bedside,  as  he  did  with 
his  arms  folded,  ready  to  resume  operations  if  necessary. 
In  this  posture  he  remained  for  some  time,  watching  his 
little  fire,  and  listlessly  listening  to  the  discordant  jangling 
of  innumerable  church-bells,  clamorously  calling  the  citi- 
zens to  their  devotions.  What  passed  though  his  mind 
was  something  like  the  following: — 

11  Heigho  ! — Oh,  Lord  ! — Dull  as  ditch-water  ! — This  is 
my  only  holiday,  yet  I  don't  seem  to  enjoy  it — the  fact  is, 
I  feel  knocked  up  with  my  week's  work. — Lord,  what  a 
life  mine  is,  to  be  sure !  Here  am  I,  in  my  eight-and- 
twentieth  year,  and  for  four  long  years  have  been  one  of 
the  shopmen  at  Dowlas,  Tagrag,  Bobbin  and  Company's 
— slaving  from  seven  o'clock  in  the  morning  till  ten  at 
night,  and  all  for  a  salary  of  35/.  a-year  and  my  board  ! 
And  Mr.  Tagrag  is  always  telling  me  how  high  he's  raised 
my  salary.  Thirty  five  pounds  a  year  is  all  I  have  for 
lodging,  and  appearing  like  a  gentleman !  Oh,  Lord,  it 
can't  last,  for  sometimes  I  feel  getting  desperate — such 
strange  thoughts  !  Seven  shillings  a  week  do  I  pay  for 
this  cursed  hole— [he  uttered  these  words  with  a  bitter 
emphasis,  accompanied  by  a  disgustful  look  round  the 
little  room] — that  one  couldn't  swing  a  cat  in  without 
touching  the  four  sides  ! — Last  winter,  three  of  our  gents, 
(i.  e.  his  fellow-shopmen)  came  to  tea  with  me  one  Sunday 
night ;  and  bitter  cold  as  it  was,  we  made  this  d — d  dog- 
hole  so  hot,  we  were  obliged  to  open  the  windows  !  And 
as  for  accommodations — I  recollect  I  had  to  borrow  two 
nasty  chairs  from  the  people  below,  who  on  the  next 
Sunday,  borrowed  my  only  decanter  in  return,  and,  hang 
them,  cracked  it ! — Curse  me,  if  this  life  is  worth  having  ! 
It's  all  the  very  vanity  of  vanities,  and  no  mistake  !  Fag, 
fag,   fag,   all   one's   days,  and — what   for?     Thirty-five 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  5 

pounds  a-year,  and  '  no  advance  /'  Bah,  bells  !  ring  away 
till  you're  all  cracked  ! — Now  do  you  think  I'm  going  to 
be  mewed  up  in  church  on  this  the  only  day  out  of  the 
seven  I've  got  to  sweeten  myself  in,  and  sniff  fresh  air  ? 
A  precious  joke  that  would  be!  Whew! — after  all,  I'd 
as  leave  sit  here ;  for  what's  the  use  of  my  going  out ! 
Every  body  I  see  out  is  happy,  excepting  me,  and  the 
poor  chaps  that  are  like  me ! — Every  body  laughs  when 
they  see  me,  and  know  that  I'm  only  a  tallow-faced  coun- 
ter-jumper, for  whom  it's  no  use  to  go  out ! — Oh,  Lord  ! 
what's  the  use  of  being  good-looking,  as  some  chaps  say 
I  am  1" — Here  he  instinctively  passed  his  left  hand  through 
a  profusion  of  sandy-coloured  hair,  and  cast  an  eye  to- 
wards the  bit  of  fractured  looking-glass  that  hung  against 
the  wall,  and  which,  by  faithfully  representing  to  him  a 
by  no  means  plain  set  of  features  (despite  the  dismal  hue 
of  his  hair)  whenever  he  chose  to  appeal  to  it,  had  afforded 
him  more  enjoyment  than  any  other  object  in  the  world 
for  years.  "  Ah,  Lord  !  many  and  many's  the  fine  gal 
I've  done  my  best  to  attract  the  notice  of,  while  I  was 
serving  her  in  the  shop, — that  is,  when  I've  seen  her  get 
out  of  a  carriage  !  There  has  been  luck  to  many  a  chap 
like  me,  in  the  same  line  of  speculation  ;  look  at  Tom 
Tarnish — how  did  he  get  Miss  Twang,  the  rich  piano- 
forte maker's  daughter  1 — and  now  he's  cut  the  shop,  and 
lives  at  Hackney  like  a  regular  gentleman  !  Ah  !  that 
was  a  stroke  !  But  somehow,  it  hasn't  answered  with 
me  yet:  the  gals  don't  take  !  Lord  how  I  have  set  my 
eyes  and  ogled  them — all  of  them  don't  seem  to  dislike 
the  thing — and  sometimes  they'll  smile,  in  a  sort  of  way 
that  says  I'm  safe — but  'tis  no  use,  not  a  bit  of  it ! — My 
eyes !  catch  me,  by  the  way,  ever  nodding  again  to  a 
lady  on  the  Sunday,  that  had  smiled  when  I  stared  at 
her  while  serving  her  in  the  shop — after  what  happened 
to  me  a  month  or  two  ago  in  the  Park  !  Didn't  I  feel  like 
damaged  goods,  just  then  !  But,  it's  no  matter,  women 
are  so  different  at  different  times ! — Very  likely  I  mis- 
managed the  thing.  By  the  way,  what  a  precious  puppy 
of  a  chap  the  fellow  was  that  came  up  to  her  at  the  time 
she  stepped  out  of  her  carriage  to  walk  a  bit !  As  for 
good  looks — cut  me  to  ribbons" — another  glance  at  the 
glass — "  no ;  I  an't  afraid  there,  neither — but, — heis:h-ho ! 
1* 


6  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

—I  suppose  he  was,  as  they  say,  born  with  a  golden 
spoon  in  his  mouth,  and  never  so  many  thousand  a-year, 
to  make  up  to  him  for  never  so  few  brains  !  He  was  un- 
common well  dressed  though,  I  must  own.  What  trow- 
sers  ! — they  stuck  so  natural  to  him,  he  might  have  been 
born  in  them.  And  his  waistcoat,  and  satin  stock — what 
an  air !  And  yet,  his  figure  was  nothing  very  out  of  the 
way !  His  gloves,  as  white  as  snow  !  I've  no  doubt  he 
wears  a  pair  of  them  a  day — my  stars  !  that's  three  and 
sixpence  a-day,  for  don't  I  know  what  they  cost  1 — Whew  ! 
if  I  had  but  the  cash  to  carry  on  that  sort  of  thing  ! — And 
when  he  had  seen  her  into  her  carriage — the  horse  he  got 
on ! — and  what  a  tip-top  groom — that  chap's  wages  I'll 
answer  for  it,  were  equal  to  my  salary  !"  Here  was  a 
long  pause. — "  Now,  just  for  the  fun  of  the  thing,  only 
suppose  luck  was  to  befall  me.  Say  somebody  was  to 
leave  me  lots  of  cash, — many  thousands  a-year,  or  some- 
thing in  that  line!  My  stars  !  wouldn't  I  go  it  with  the 
best  of  them !"  Another  long  pause.  "  Gad,  I  really 
should  hardly  know  how  to  begin  to  spend  it  !- — I  think, 
by  the  way,  I'd  buy  a  title  to  set  off  with — for  what  won't 
money  buy]  The  thing's  often  done,  there  was  a  great 
biscuit  baker  in  the  city,  the  other  day,  made  a  baronet 
of,  all  for  his  money—and  why  shouldn't  II"  He  grew 
a  little  heated  with  the  progress  of  his  reflections,  clasping 
his  hands  with  involuntary  energy,  as  he  stretched  them 
out  to  their  fullest  extent,  to  give  effect  to  a  very  hearty 
yawn,  "  Lord,  only  think  how  it  would  sound ! 

"  Sir  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  Baronet. 

"  The  very  first  place  I'd  go  to  after  I'd  got  my  title,  and 
was  rigged  out  in  Stultze's  tip-top,  should  be — our  cursed 
shop,  to  buy  a  dozen  or  two  pair  of  white  kid.  What  a  flut- 
ter there  would  be  among  the  poor  pale  devils  as  were  stand- 
ing, just  as  ever,  behind  the  counters,  at  Dowlas,  Tagrag, 
and  Co.'s,  when  my  carnage  drew  up,  and  I  stepped  into 
the  shop!  Tagrag  would  come  and  attend  to  me  him- 
self. No  he  wouldn't — pride  wouldn't  let  him.  I  don't 
know,  though;  what  wouldn't  he  do  to  turn  a  penny,  and 
make  two  and  ninepence  into  three  and  a  penny.  I 
shouldn't  quite  come  Captain  Stiff  over  him  ;  but  I  should 
treat  him  with  a  kind  of  an  air,  too,  as  if — hem  !  how  de- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  7 

lightful !"  A  sigh  and  a  pause.  "  Yes,  I  should  often 
come  to  the  shop.  Gad,  it  would  be  half  the  fun  of  my 
fortune  !  And  they  would  envy  me,  to  be  sure  !  How 
one  should  enjoy  it !  I  wouldn't  think  of  marrying  till — 
and  yet  I  won't  say  either  ;  if  I  get  among  some  of  them 
out  and  outers — those  first-rate  articles — that  lady,  for 
instance,  the  other  day  in  the  Park — I  should  like  to  see  her 
cut  me  as  she  did,  with  ten  thousand  a-year  in  my  pocket! 
Why,  she'd  be  running  after  me,  or  there's  no  truth  in 
novels,  which  I'm  sure  there's  often  a  great  deal  in.  Oh, 
of  course,  I  might  marry  whom  I  pleased.  Who  couldn't 
be  got  with  ten  thousand  a  year  !"  Another  pause.  "  I 
should  go  abroad  to  Russia  directly ;  for  they  tell  me 
there's  a  man  lives  there  who  could  dye  this  hair  of  mine 
any  colour  I  liked — egad  !  I'd  come  home  as  black  as  a 
crow,  and  hold  up  my  head  as  high  as  any  of  them ! 
While  I  was  about  it,  I'd  have  a  touch  at  my  eyebrows" — 
Crash  went  all  his  castle-building  at  the  sound  of  his  tea 
kettle,  hissing,  whizzing,  sputtering  in  the  agonies  of 
boiling  over ;  as  if  the  intolerable  heat  of  the  fire  had 
driven  desperate  the  poor  creature  placed  upon  it,  who  in- 
stinctively tried  thus  to  extinguish  the  cause  of  its  anguish. 
Having  taken  it  6fT  and  placed  it  upon  the  hob,  and  placed 
on  the  fire  a  tiny  fragment  of  fresh  coal,  he  began  to  make 
preparations  for  shaving,  by  pouring  some  of  the  hot  water 
into  an  old  tea-cup,  which  was  presently  to  serve  for  the 
purpose  of  breakfast.  Then  he  spread  out  a  bit  of  crum- 
pled whity-brown  paper,  that  had  folded  up  a  couple  of 
cigars  which  he  had  bought  over-night  for  the  Sunday's 
special  enjoyment — and  which,  if  he  had  supposed  they 
had  come  from  any  place  beyond  the  four  seas,  I  imagine 
him  to  have  been  slightly  mistaken.  He  placed  this  bit  of 
paper  on  the  little  mantel-piece ;  drew  his  solitary,  well- 
worn  razor  several  times  across  the  palm  of  his  left-hand  ; 
dipped  his  brush,  worn  within  the  third  of  an  inch  to  the 
stump,  into  the  hot-water;  presently  passed  it  over  as 
much  of  his  face  as  he  intended  to  shave ;  then  rubbed 
on  the  damp  surface  a  bit  of  yellow  soap — and  in  less  than 
five  minutes  Mr.  Titmouse  was  a  shaved  man.  But  mark — 
don't  suppose  that  he  had  performed  an  extensive  opera- 
tion. One  would  have  thought  him  anxious  to  get  rid  of 
as  much  as  possible  of  his  abominable  sandy-coloured  hair 
— quite  the  contrary. 


8  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Every  hair  of  his  spreading  whiskers  was  sacred  from 
the  touch  of  steel;  and  a  bushy  crop  of  hair  stretched 
underneath  his  chin,  coming  curled  out  on  each  side  of 
it,  above  his  stock,  like  two  little  horns  or  tusks.  An 
imperial — i.  e.  a  dirt-coloured  tuft  of  hair,  permitted  to 
grow  perpendicularly  down  the  upper  lip  of  puppies — and 
a  pair  of  promising  mustachios,  poor  Mr.  Titmouse  had 
been  compelled  to  sacrifice  some  time  before,  to  the  tyran- 
nical whimsies  of  his  vulgar  employers,  Messrs.  Dowlas 
and  Tagrag,  who  imagined  them  not  to  be  exactly  suita- 
ble appendages  for  counter-jumpers.  So  that  it  will  be 
seen  that  the  space  shaved  over  on  this  occasion  was 
somewhat  circumscribed.  This  operation  over,  he  took 
out  of  his  trunk  an  old  dirty-looking  pomatum  pot.  A 
little  of  its  contents,  extracted  on  the  tips  of  his  two  fore- 
fingers, he  stroked  carefully  into  his  eyebrows;  then 
spreading  some  on  the  palms  of  his  hands,  he  rubbed  it 
vigorously  into  his  stubborn  hair  and  whiskers  for  some 
quarter  of  an  hour;  and  then  combed  and  brushed  his 
hair  into  half  a  dozen  different  dispositions — so  fastidious 
in  that  matter  was  Mr.  Titmouse.  Then  he  dipped  the 
end  of  a  towel  into  a  little  water,  and  twisting  it  round 
his  right  fore-finger,  passed  it  gently  over  his  face,  care- 
fully avoiding  his  eyebrows,  and  the  hair  at  the  top,  sides, 
and  bottom  of  his  face,  which  he  then  wiped  with  a  dry 
corner  of  the  towel ;  and  no  further  did  Mr.  Tittlebat 
Titmouse  think  it  necessary  to  carry  his  ablutions.  Had 
he  been  able  to  "  see  himself  as  others  saw  him,"  in 
respect  of  those  neglected  regions  which  lay  somewhere 
behind  and  beneath  his  ears,  he  might  not  possibly  have 
thought  it  superfluous  to  irritate  them  with  a  little  soap 
and  water ;  but,  after  all,  he  knew  best ;  it  might  have 
given  him  cold ;  and  besides,  his  hair  was  very  thick  and 
long  behind,  and  might,  perhaps,  conceal  any  thing  that 
was  unsightly.  Then  Mr.  Titmouse  drew  from  under- 
neath the  bed  a  bottle  of  Warren's  "  incomparable  black- 
ing," and  a  couple  of  brushes,  with  great  labour  and  skill 
polishing  his  boots  up  to  a  wonderful  point  of  brilliancy. 
Having  washed  his  hands,  and  replaced  his  blacking 
implements  under  the  bed,  he  devoted  a  few  moments 
to  boiling  about  three  tea-spoonfuls  of  coffee,  (as  it  was 
styled  on  the  paper  from  which  he  took,  and  in  which  he 


TEN    THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  9 

had  bought  it — whereas  it  was,  in  fact,  chicory.)  Then 
he  drew  forth  from  his  trunk  a  calico  shirt,  with  linen 
wristbands  and  collars,  which  had  been  worn  only  twice 
since  its  last  washing — i.  e.  on  the  preceding  two  Sun- 
days— and  put  it  on,  taking  great  care  not  to  rumple  a 
very  showy  front,  containing  three  little  rows  of  frills ;  in 
the  middle  one  of  which  he  stuck  three  "  studs,"  connected 
together  with  two  little  gilt  chains,  looking  exceedingly 
stylish — especially  coupled  with  a  span-new  satin  stock 
which  he  next  buckled  round  his  neck.  Having  put  on 
his  bright  boots,  (without,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  any  stock- 
ings,) he  carefully  insinuated  his  legs  into  a  pair  of  white 
trousers,  for  the  first  time  since  their  last  washing;  and 
what  with  his  short  straps  and  high  braces,  they  were  so 
tight  that  you  would  have  feared  their  bursting,  if  he 
should  have  sat  hastily.  I  am  almost  afraid  that  I  shall 
hardly  be  believed,  but  it  is  a  fact,  that  the  next  thing  that 
he  did  was  to  attach  a  pair  of  spurs  to  his  boots: — but,  to 
be  sure,  it  was  not  impossible  that  he  might  intend  to  ride 
during  the  day.  Then  he  put  on  a  queer  kind  of  under 
waistcoat,  which  in  fact  was  only  a  roll-collar  of  rather 
faded  pea-green  silk,  and  designed  to  set  off  a  very  fine 
flowered  damson-colaured  silk  waistcoat ;  over  which  he 
drew  a  massive  mosaic  gold  chain,  (to  purchase  which  he 
had  sold  a  serviceable  silver  watch,)  which  had  been 
carefully  wrapped  up  in  cotton  wool  ;  from  which  soft 
depository,  also,  he  drew  his  ring,  (those  must  have  been 
sharp  eyes  that  could  tell,  at  a  distance,  and  in  a  hurry, 
that  it  was  not  diamond,)  which  he  placed  on  the  stumpy 
little  finger  of  his  red  and  thick  right  hand — and  contem- 
plated its  sparkle  with  exquisite  satisfaction. 

Having  proceeded  thus  far  with  his  toilet,  he  sat  down 
to  his  breakfast,  spreading  the  shirt  he  had  taken  off  upon 
his  lap,  to  preserve  his  white  trowsers  from  spot  or  stain — 
his  thoughts  alternating  between  his  late  waking  vision 
and  his  purposes  for  the  day.  He  had  no  butter,  having 
used  the  last  on  the  preceding  morning ;  so  he  was  fain 
to  put  up  with  dry  bread — and  very  dry  and  teeth-trying 
it  was,  poor  fellow — but  his  eye  lit  on  his  ring  !  Having 
swallowed  two  cups  of  his  quasi-coKee,  (eugh  !  such 
stuff!)  he  resumed  his  toilet,  by  drawing  out  of  his  other 
trunk  his  blue  surtout,  with  embossed  silk  buttons  and 


10  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

velvet  collar,  and  an  outside  pocket  in  the  left  breast. 
Having  smoothed  down  a  few  creases,  he  put  it  on : — 
then,  before  him  the  little  vulgar  fraction  of  a  glass,  he 
stood  twitching  about  the  collar,  and  sleeves,  and  front, 
so  as  to  make  them  sit  well ;  concluding  with  a  careful 
elongation  of  the  wrist-bands  of  his  shirt,  so  as  to  show 
their  whiteness  gracefully  beyond  the  cuff  of  his  coat- 
sleeve — and  he  succeeded  in  producing  a  sort  of  white 
boundary  line  between  the  blue  of  his  coat-sleeve  and  the 
red  of  his  hand.  At  that  useful  member  he  could  not 
help  looking  with  a  sigh,  as  he  had  often  done  before — 
for  it  was  not  a  handsome  hand.  It  was  broad  and  red, 
and  the  fingers  were  thick  and  stumpy,  with  very  coarse 
deep  wrinkles  at  every  joint.  His  nails  also  were  flat  and 
shapeless;  and  he  used  to  be  continually  gnawing  them 
till  he  had  succeeded  in  getting  them  down  to  the  quick — 
and  they  were  a  sight  to  set  a  Christian's  teeth  on  edge. 
Then  he  extracted  from  the  first  mentioned  trunk  a  white 
pocket-handkerchief— an  exemplary  one,  that  had  gone 
through  four  Sundays'  show,  (not  use,  be  it  understood,) 
and  yet  was  capable  of  exhibition  again.  A  pair  of  sky- 
coloured  kid  gloves  next  made  their  appearance ;  which, 
however,  showed  such  barefaced  marks  of  former  ser- 
vice as  rendered  indispensable  a  ten  minutes'  rubbing  with 
bread  crumbs.  His  Sunday  hat,  carefully  covered  with 
silver-paper,  was  next  gently  removed  from  its  well-worn 
box — ah,  how  lightly  and  delicately  did  he  pass  his 
smoothing  hand  round  its  glossy  surface !  Lastly,  he 
took  down  a  thin  black  cane,  with  a  gilt  head,  and  full 
brown  tassel,  from  a  peg  behind  the  door — and  his  toilet 
was  complete.  Laying  down  his  cane  for  a  moment,  he 
passed  his  hands  again  through  his  hair,  arranging  it  so 
as  to  fall  nicely  on  each  side  beneath  his  hat,  which  he 
then  placed  upon  his  head,  with  an  elegant  inclination  to- 
wards the  left  side.  He  was  really  not  bad-looking,  in 
spite  of  his  sandy-coloured  hair.  His  forehead,  to  be  sure, 
was  contracted,  and  his  eyes  of  a  very  light  colour,  and  a 
trifle  too  protuberant;  but  his  mouth  was  rather  well- 
formed,  and  being  seldom  closed,  exhibited  very  beautiful 
teeth ;  and  his  nose  was  of  that  description  which  gene- 
rally passes  for  a  Roman  nose.  His  countenance  wore 
generally  a  smile,  and  was  expressive  of— self-satisfac- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  11 

tion;  and  surely  any  expression  is  better  than  none 
at  all.  As  for  the  slightest  trace  of  intellect  in  it,  I 
should  be  misleading  the  reader  if  I  were  to  say  any  thing 
of  the  sort.  He  was  about  five  feet  five  inches  in  height, 
and  rather  strongly  set,  with  a  little  tendency  to  round 
shoulders : — but  his  limbs  were  pliant  and  his  motions 
nimble. 

Here  you  have,  then,  Mr.  Tittlebat  Titmouse  to  the 
life — certainly  no  more  than  an  average  sample  of  his 
kind  ;  but  as  he  is  to  go  through  a  considerable  variety  of 
situation  and  circumstance,  I  thought  you  would  like  to 
have  him  as  distinctly  before  your  mind's  eye  as  it  was 
in  my  power  to  present  him.  Well — he  put  his  hat  on, 
as  I  have  said :  buttoned  the  lowest  two  buttons  of  his 
surtout,  and  stuck  his  white  pocket-handkerchief  into  the 
outside  pocket  in  front,  as  already  mentioned,  disposing 
it  so  as  to  let  a  little  of  it  appear  above  the  edge  of  the 
pocket,  with  a  sort  of  careful  carelessness— a  graceful 
contrast  to  the  blue;  drew  on  his  gloves  ;  took  his  cane 
in  his  hand ;  drained  the  last  sad  remnant  in  his  coffee- 
cup  ;  and,  the  sun  shining  in  the  full  splendour  of  a  July 
noon,  and  promising  a  glorious  day,  forth  sallied  this  poor 
fellow,  an  Oxford  Street  Adonis,  going  forth  conquering 
and  to  conquer !  Petty  finery  without,  a  pinched  and 
stinted  stomach  within;  a  case  of  Back  versus  Belly,  (as 
the  lawyers  would  say,)  the  plaintiff  winning  in  a  canter! 
Forth  sallied,  1  say,  Mr.  Titmouse,  down  the  narrow, 
creaking,  close  staircase,  which  he  had  not  quitted  before 
he  heard  exclaimed  from  an  opposite  window,  "  My  eyes, 
mCt  that  a  swell !"  He  felt  how  true  the  observation  was, 
and  that  at  that  moment  he  was  somewhat  out  of  his  ele- 
ment ;  so  he  hurried  on,  and  soon  reached  the  great  broad 
street,  apostrophized  by  the  celebrated  Opium-Eater,  with 
bitter  feeling,  as — "  Oxford  Street ! — stony-hearted  step- 
mother !  Thou  that  listenest  to  the  sighs  of  orphans,  and 
drinkest  the  tears  of  children."  Here,  though  his  spirits 
were  not  just  then  very  buoyant,  the  poor  dandy  breathed 
more  freely  than  when  he  was  passing  through  the  nasty 
crowded  court  (Closet  Court)  which  he  had  just  quitted. 
He  passed  and  met  hundreds  who,  like  himself,  seemed  re- 
leased for  a  precious  day's  interval  from  intense  toil  and 
miserable  confinement  during  the  week  ;  but  there  were 


12  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

not  many  of  them  who  had  any  pretensions  to  vie  with 
him  in  elegance  of  appearance — and  that  was  a  luxury  ! 
Who  could  do  justice  to  the  air  with  which  he  strutted 
along  !  He  felt  as  happy,  poor  soul,  in  his  little  ostenta- 
tion, as  his  Corinthian  rival  in  tip-top  turnout,  after  twice 
as  long,  and  as  anxious,  and  fifty  times  as  expensive,  pre- 
parations for  effective  public  display  !  Nay,  my  poor 
swell  was  greatly  the  superior  of  such  an  one  as  I  have 
alluded  to.  Titmouse,  did,  to  a  great  degree,  bedizen  his 
back  at  the  expense  of  his  belly  ;  whereas,  the  Corinthian 
exquisite,  too  often  taking  advantage  of  station  and  influ- 
ence, recklessly  both  satiates  his  appetite  within,  and  de- 
corates his  person  without,  at  the  expense  of  innumerable 
heart-aching  creditors.  I  do  not  mean,  however,  to  claim 
any  real  merit  for  Titmouse  on  this  score,  because  I  am 
not  sure  how  he  would  act  if  he  were  to  become  pos- 
sessed of  his  magnificent  rival's  means  and  opportunities 
for  the  perpetration  of  gentlemanly  frauds  on  a  splendid 
scale.  But  we  shall,  perhaps,  see  by  and  by.  He  walked 
along  with  leisurely  step  ;  for  haste  and  perspiration  were 
vulgar,  and  he  had  the  day  before  him. 

Observe  the  careless  glance  of  self-satisfaction  with 
which  he  occasionally  regarded  his  bright  boots,  with 
their  martial  appendage,  giving  out  a  faint  tingling 
sound  as  he  heavily  trod  the  broad  flags  ;  his  spotless 
trowsers,  his  tight  surtout,  and  the  tip  of  white  handker- 
chief peeping  accidentally  out  in  front !  A  pleasant  sight 
it  was  to  behold  him  in  a  chance  rencontre  with  some 
one  genteel  enough  to  be  recognised — as  he  stood,  resting 
on  his  left  leg;  his  left  arm  stuck  upon  his  hip;  his  right 
leg  easily  bent  outwards ;  his  right  hand  lightly  holding 
his  ebon  cane,  with  the  gilt-head  of  which  he  occasionally 
tapped  his  teeth ;  and  his  eyes,  half-closed,  scrutinizing 
the  face  and  figure  of  each  "pretty  gal"  as  she  passed  ! 
This  was  indeed  happiness,  as  far  as  his  forlorn  condition 
could  admit  of  his  enjoying  it.  He  had  no  particular  ob- 
ject in  view.  A  tiff  over-night  with  two  of  his  shop- 
mates  had  broken  off  a  party  which  they  had  agreed  the 
Sunday  preceding  in  forming,  to  go  to  Greenwich  on  the 
ensuing  Sunday;  and  this  little  circumstance  a  little 
soured  his  temper,  depressed  as  were  his  spirits  before. 
He  resolved  to-day  to  walk  straight  on,  and  dine  some- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  13 

where  a  little  way  out  of  town,  by  way  of  passing  the 
time  till  four  o'clock,  at  which  hour  he  intended  to  make 
his  appearance  in  Hyde  Park,  "  to  see  the  fashions,"  which 
was  his  favourite  Sunday  occupation. 

His  condition  was,  indeed,  forlorn  in  the  extreme.  To 
say  nothing  of  his  prospects  in  life — what  was  his  present 
condition !  A  shopman,  with  £35  a-year,  out  of  which 
he  had  to  find  his  clothing,  washing,  lodging,  and  all 
other  incidental  expenses — his  board  being  found  him  by 
his  employers.  He  was  five  weeks  in  arrear  to  his  landlady 
— a  corpulent  old  termagant,  whom  nothing  could  have 
induced  him  to  risk  offending,  but  his  overmastering  love 
of  finery ;  for  I  grieve  to  say,  that  this  deficiency  had 
been  occasioned  by  his  purchase  of  the  ring  he  then  wore 
with  so  much  pride.  How  he  had  contrived  to  pacify 
her — lie  upon  lie  as  he  must  have  had  recourse  to — I 
know  not.  He  was  in  debt,  too,  to  his  poor  washerwo- 
man in  six  or  seven  shillings  for  nearly  a  quarter's  wash- 
ing ;  and  owed  five  times  that  amount  to  a  little  old  tailor, 
who,  with  huge  spectacles  on  his  nose,  turned  up  to  him, 
out  of  a  little  cupboard  which  he  occupied  in  Closet  Court, 
and  which  Titmouse  had  to  pass  whenever  he  went  to  or 
from  his  lodgings,  a  lean,  sallow,  wrinkled  face,  imploring 
him  to  "  settle  his  small  account."  All  the  cash  in  hand 
which  he  had  to  meet  contingencies  between  that  day  and 
quarter-day,  which  was  six  weeks  off,  was  about  twenty- 
six  shillings,  of  which  he  had  taken  one  for  the  present 
day's  expenses ! 

Revolving  these  somewhat  disheartening  matters  in  his 
mind,  he  passed  easily  and  leisurely  along  the  whole 
length  of  Oxford  Street.  No  one  could  have  judged  from 
his  dressy  appearance,  the  constant  smirk  on  his  face,  and 
his  confident  air,  how  very  miserable  that  poor  dandy 
was  ;  but  three-fourths  of  his  misery  were  occasioned  by 
the  impossibility  he  felt  of  his  ever  being  able  to  indulge 
in  his  propensities  for  finery  and  display.  Nothing  better 
had  he  to  occupy  his  few  thoughts.  He  had  had  only  a 
plain  mercantile  education,  as  it  is  called,  i.  e.  reading, 
writing,  and  arithmetic:  beyond  a  very  moderate  ac- 
quaintance with  these,  he  knew  nothing  whatever.;  not 
having  read  more  than  a  few  novels,   and   plays,  and 

vol.  i.  2 


14  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

sporting  newspapers.  Deplorable,  however,  as  were  his 
circumstances — 

"  Hope  springs  eternal  in  the  human  breast." 

And  probably,  in  common  with  most  who  are  miserable 
from  straightened  circumstances,  he  often  conceived,  and 
secretly  relied  upon,  the  possibility  of  an  unexpected 
change  for  the  better ;  he  had  heard  and  read  of  extraor- 
dinary cases  of  luck.  Why  might  he  not  be  one  of  the 
lucky?  A  rich  girl  might  fall  in  love  with  him — that 
was,  poor  fellow  !  in  his  consideration,  the  least  unlikely 
way  of  luck's  advent ;  or  some  one  might  leave  him 
money ;  or  he  might  win  a  prize  in  the  lottery  ; — all  these, 
and  other  accidental  modes  of  getting  enriched,  frequently 
occurred  to  the  well-regulated  mind  of  Mr.  Tittlebat  Tit- 
mouse ;  but  he  never  once  thought  of  determined,  un- 
wearying industry  and  perseverence  in  the  way  of  his 
business  conducing  to  such  a  result. 

Is  his  case  a  solitary  one  ? — Dear  reader,  you  may  be 
unlike  poor  Tittlebat  Titmouse  in  every  respect  except 
one! 

On  he  walked  towards  Bayswater  ;  and  finding  it  was 
yet  early,  and  considering  that  the  farthest  he  went  from 
town  the  better  prospect  there  was  of  his  being  able,  With 
a  little  sacrifice  of  appearances  to  get  a  dinner  consistent 
with  the  means  he  carried  about  with  him,  viz.  one  shil- 
ling, he  pursued  his  way  a  mile  or  two  beyond  Bays- 
water,  and  sure  enough,  came  at  length  upon  a  nice  little 
public-house  on  the  roadside,  called  the  Squaretoes  Arms. 
Very  tired,  and  quite  smothered  with  dust,  he  first  sat 
down  in  a  small  back  room  to  rest  himself;  and  took  the 
opportunity  to  call  for  a  clothes-brush  and  shoe-brush,  to 
relieve  his  clothes  and  boots  from  the  heavy  dust  upon 
them.  Having  thus  attended  to  his  outer  man,  as  far  as 
circumstances  would  permit,  he  bethought  himself  of  his 
inner  man,  whose  cravings  he  satisfied  with  a  pretty  sub- 
stantial mutton-pie  and  a  pint  of  porter.  This  fare,  to- 
gether with  a  penny  to  the  little  girl  who  waited  on  him, 
cost  him  tenpence ;  and  having  somewhat  refreshed  him- 
self, he  began  to  think  of  returning  to  town.  Having  lit 
one  of  his  two  cigars,  he  sallied  forth,  puffing  along  with 
an   air  of  quiet   enjoyment.     Dinner,  however  humble, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  15 

seldom  fails,  especially  when  accompanied  by  a  fair 
draught  of  good  porter,  in  some  considerable  degree  to 
tranquillize  the  animal  spirits ;  and  that  soothing  effect 
began  soon  to  be  experienced  by  Mr.  Titmouse.  The 
sedative  cause  he  erroneously  attributed  to  the  cigar  he 
was  smoking ;  whereas  in  fact  the  only  tobacco  he  had 
imbibed  was  from  the  porter.  But,  however  that  might 
be,  he  certainly  returned  towards  town  in  a  far  calmer 
and  even  more  cheerful  humour  than  that  in  which  he 
had  quitted  it  an  hour  or  two  before. 

As  he  approached  Cumberland  Gate,  it  wanted  about  a 
quarter  to  five ;  and  the  Park  might  be  said  to  be  at  its 
acme  of  fashion,  as  far  as  that  could  be  indicated  by  a 
sluggish  stream  of  carriages,  three  and  four  a-breast — 
coroneted  panels  in  abundance — noble  and  well-known 
equestrians  of  both  sexes,  in  troops — and  some  thousand 
pedestrians  of  the  same  description.  So  continuous  was 
the  throng  of  carriages  and  horsemen,  that  Titmouse  did 
not  find  it  the  easiest  matter  in  the  world  to  shoot  across 
the  footpath  in  the  minor  circle.  That,  however,  he  safely 
accomplished,  encountering  no  more  serious  mischance 
than  the  subdued  "  D — n  your  eyes !"  of  a  groom,  be- 
tween whom  and  his  master  Mr.  Titmouse  had  presumed 
to  intervene.  What  a  crowd  of  elegant  women,  many  of 
them  young  and  beautiful  (who  but  such,  to  be  sure, 
would  become,  or  be  allowed  to  become,  pedestrians  in 
the  Park?)  he  encountered  as  he  slowly  sauntered  on,  all 
of  them  obsequiously  attended  by  brilliant  beaux  !  Lords 
and  ladies  were  here  manifestly  as  plentiful  as  plebeians 
in  Oxford  Street.  What  an  enchanted  ground  ! — How 
delicious  this  soft  crush  and  flutter  of  aristocracy  !  Poor 
Titmouse  felt  his  utter  insignificance.  Many  a  sigh  of 
dissatisfaction  and  envy  escaped  him  ;  yet  he  stepped 
along  with  a  tolerably-assured  air,  looking  every  body  he 
met  straight  in  the  face,  and  occasionally  twirling  about 
his  little  cane  with  an  air  which  seemed  to  say — "  What- 
ever opinion  you  may  form  of  me,  I  have  a  very  good 
opinion  of  myself."  Indeed,  was  he  not  as  much  a  man 
— an  Englishman — as  the  best  of  them  ?  What  was  the 
real  difference  between  Count  Do-'em-all  and  Mr.  Tittle- 
bat Titmouse  1  Only  that  the  Count  had  dark  whiskers, 
and  owed  more    money  than   Mr.  Titmouse's  creditors 


16  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

could  be  persuaded  to  allow  him  to  owe !  Would  to 
heaven — thought  Titmouse — that  any  one  tailor  would 
patronise  him,  as  half-a-dozen  had  patronized  the  Count ! 
If  pretty  ladies  of  quality  did  not  disdain  a  walking  ad- 
vertisement of  three  or  four  first-rate  tailors,  like  the 
Count,  why  should  they  turn  up  their  noses  at  an  assistant 
in  an  extensive  wholesale  and  retail  establishment  in  Ox- 
ford Street,  conversant  with  the  qualities  and  prices  of 
the  most  beautiful  articles  of  female  attire?  Leaning 
against  the  railing  in  a  studied  attitude,  and  eyeing  wist- 
fully each  gay  and  fashionable  equipage,  with  its  often 
lovely,  and  sometimes  haughty  enclosure,  as  it  rolled 
slowly  past  him,  Mr.  Titmouse  became  more  and  more 
convinced  that  the  only  real  distinction  between  mankind 
was  that  effected  by  money.  Want  of  money  alone  had 
placed  him  in  his  present  abject  position.  Abject  indeed ! 
By  the  great  folk,  who  were  passing  him  on  all  sides,  he 
felt,  well-dressed  as  he  believed  himself  to  be,  that  he  was 
no  more  noticed  than  if  he  had  been  a  pismire,  a  blue- 
bottle fly,  or  a  black  beetle  !  He  looked,  and  sighed — 
sighed,  and  looked — looked,  and  sighed  again,  in  a  kind 
of  agony  of  vain  longing.  While  his  only  day  in  the 
week  for  breathing  fresh  air,  and  appearing  like  a  gentle- 
man in  the  world,  was  rapidly  drawing  to  a  close,  and 
he  was  beginning  to  think  of  returning  to  the  dog-hole  he 
had  crawled  out  of  in  the  morning,  and  the  shop  for  the 
rest  of  the  week ;  the  great,  the  gay,  and  the  happy  folk 
he  was  looking  at,  were  thinking  of  driving  home  to  dress 
for  their  grand  dinners,  and  to  lay  out  every  kind  of  fine 
amusement  for  the  ensuing  week,  and  that  was  the  sort 
of  life  they  led  every  day  in  the  week.  He  heaved  a  pro- 
found sigh.  At  that  moment  a  superb  cab,  with  a  gen- 
tleman in  it  dressed  in  great  elegance,  and  with  a  very 
keen  and  striking  countenance,  came  up  with  a  cab  of 
still  more  exquisite  structure  and  appointments,  in  which 
sate  a  young  man,  evidently  of  consequence ;  very  hand- 
some, with  splendid  mustachios  ;  perfectly  well-dressed ; 
holding  the  reins  and  whip  gracefully  in  his  hands,  glisten- 
ing in  straw-coloured  kid  gloves — and  between  the  two 
gentlemen  ensued  the  following  low-toned  colloquy,  which 
it  were  to  be  wished  that  every  such  sighing  simpleton 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  17 

(as  Titmouse  must,  T  fear,  now  appear  to  the  reader) 
could  have  overheard. 

11  Ah,  Fitz  !"  said  the  former-mentioned  gentleman  to 
the  latter,  who  blushed  scarlet  when  he  perceived  who 
had  addressed  him — "  when  did  you  return  to  town  V 

"  Last  night  only." 

u  Enjoyed  yourself,  I  hope  !" 

"  Pretty  well — but  I  suppose  you " 

"  Sorry  for  it,"  interrupted  the  first  speaker  in  a  lower 
tone,  perceiving  the  vexation  of  his  companion,  "  but  can't 
help  it,  you  know." 

"  When  I" 

"  To-morrow  at  nine.  Monstrous  sorry  for  it — 'pon 
my  soul,  Fitz,  you  really  must  look  sharp,  or  the  thing 
won't  go  on  much  longer." 

"Must  it  be,  really?"  inquired  the  other,  biting  his 
lips — at  that  moment  kissing  his  hand  to  a  very  beautiful 
girl,  who  slowly  passed  him  in  a  coroneted  chariot — 
"  must  it  really  be,  Joe  V  he  repeated,  turning  towards 
his  companion  a  pale  and  bitterly  chagrined  countenance. 

M  Poz,  'pon  my  life.  Cage  clean,  however,  and  not  very 
full—" 

"  Would    not    Wednesday  ? "    inquired  the  other, 

leaning  forwards  towards  the  former  speaker's  cab,  and 
whispering  with  an  air  of  intense  earnestness.     "  The  fact 

is,  I've  engagements  at  C 's  on  Monday  and  Tuesday 

nights  with  one  or  two  country  cousins,  and  I  may  be  in 
condition — eh)  you  understand]" 

His  companion  shook  his  head  distrustfully. 

"  Upon  my  word  and  honour  as  a  gentleman,  it's  the 
fact !"  said  the  other,  in  a  low  vehement  tone. 

"  Then — say  Wednesday,  nine  o'clock,  A.M.  You  un- 
derstand? No  mistake,  Fitz '""replied  his  companion, 
looking  him  steadily  in  the  face  as  he  spoke. 

"  None — honour !" — After  a  pause — "  Who  is  it  ?" 

His  companion  took  a  slip  of  paper  out  of  his  pocket, 
and  in  a  whisper  read  from  it — "  Cabs,  harness,  &c, 
£197,  10s." 

"  A  villain !  It's  been  of  only  eighteen  months'  stand- 
ing," interrupted  the  other,  in  an  indignant  mutter. 

"  Between  ourselves,  he  is  rather  a  sharp  hand.  Then, 
2* 


18  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

I  am  sorry  to  say  there's  a  detainer  or  two  I  have  had  a 
hint  of " 

"  D — n  their  souls  !"  exclaimed  the  other,  with  an  ex- 
pression of  mingled  disgust,  vexation,  and  hatred,  and 
adding,  "  Wednesday,  nine" — drove  off  a  picture  of  tran- 
quil enjoyment. 

I  need  hardly  say  that  he  was  a  fashionable  young 
spendthrift,  and  the  other  a  sheriffs  officer  of  the  first 
water — the  genteelest  beak  that  ever  was  known  or  heard 
of — who  had  been  on  the  look-out  for  him  several  days, 
and  with  whom  the  happy  youngster  was  doomed  to  spend 
some  considerable  time  at  a  cheerful  residence  in  Chancery 
Lane,  bleeding  gold  at  every  pore  the  while; — his  only 
chance  of  avoiding  which,  was,  as  he  had  truly  hinted,  an 
honourable  attempt  on  the  purses  of  two  hospitable  coun- 
try cousins,  in  the  meanwhile,  at  C 's  !     And  if  he  did 

not  succeed  in  that  enterprise,  so  that  he  must  go  to  cage, 
he  lost  the  only  chance  he  had  for  some  time  of  securing 
an  exemption  from  such  annoyance,  by  entering  Parlia- 
ment to  protect  the  liberties  of  the  people — an  eloquent 
and  resolute  champion  of  freedom  in  trade,  religion  and 
everything  else;  an  abolitionist  of  every  thing,  including, 
especially,  negro  slavery  and  imprisonment  for  debt — two 
execrable  violations  of  the  natural  rights  of  mankind. 

But  we  have,  for  several  minutes,  lost  sight  of  the  ad- 
miring Titmouse. 

"  Why,"  thought  he,  "am  /thus  spited  by  fortune? — 
The  only  thing  she's  given  me  is — nothing !  D — n  every 
thing  r  exclaimed  Mr.  Titmouse  aloud,  at  the  same  time 
starting  off,  to  the  infinite  astonishment  of  an  old  peer, 
who  had  been  for  some  minutes  standing  leaning  against 
the  railing,  close  beside  him,  who  was  master  of  a  magni- 
ficent fortune,  "  with  all  appliances  and  means  to  boot :" 
with  a  fine  grown-up  family,  his  eldest  son  and  heir  having 
just  gained  a  Double  First,  and  promising  wonders ;  many 
mansions  in  different  parts  of  England ;  exquisite  taste 
and  accomplishment;  the  representative  of  one  of  the 
oldest  families  in  England;  but  who  at  that  moment 
loathed  every  thing  and  every  body,  including  himself, 
because  the  minister  had  that  day  intimated  to  him  that 
he  could  not  give  him  a  vacant  riband,  for  which  he  had 
applied,  unless  he  could  command  two  more  votes  in  the 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  19 

Lower  House,  and  which  at  present  he  saw  no  earthly 
means  of  doing.  Yes,  the  Earl  of  Cheviotdale  and  Mr. 
Tittlebat  Titmouse  were  both  miserable  men ;  both  had 
been  hardly  dealt  with  by  fortune;  both  were  greatly  to 
be  pitied;  and  both  quitted  the  Park,  about  the  same  time, 
with  a  decided  misanthropic  tendency. 

Mr.  Titmouse  walked  along  Piccadilly  with  a  truly 
chapfallen  and  disconsolate  air.  He  almost  felt  dissatisfied 
even  with  his  personal  appearance.  Dress  as  he  would, 
no  one  seemd  to  care  a  curse  for  him ;  and,  to  his  mo- 
mentarily jaundiced  eye,  he  seemed  equipped  in  only 
second-handed  and  shabby  finery — and  then  he  was  really 
such  a  poor  devil.  Do  not  let  the  reader  suppose  that  this 
wTas  an  unusual  mood  with  Titmouse.  No  such  thing. 
Like  the  Irishman  who  "  married  a  wife  for  to  make  him 
un-aisy  ;"  and  also  not  unlike  the  moth  that  will  haunt 
the  brightness  that  is  her  destruction ;  so  poor  Titmouse, 
Sunday  after  Sunday,  dressed  himself  out  as  elaborately 
as  he  had  done  on  the  present  occasion,  and  then  always 
betook  himself  to  the  scene  he  had  just  again  witnessed, 
and  which  once  again  had  excited  only  those  feelings  of 
envy,  bitterness,  and  despair,  which  I  have  been  describing, 
and  which,  on  every  such  occasion,  he  experienced  with, 
if  possible,  increased  intensity. 

What  to  do  with  himself  till  it  was  time  to  return  to  his 
cheerless  lodgings  he  did  not  exactly  know ;  so  he  loitered 
along  at  a  snail's  pace.  He  stood  for  some  time  staring 
at  the  passengers,  their  luggage,  the  coaches  they  were 
ascending  and  alighting  from,  and  listening  to  the  strange 
medley  of  coachmen's,  guards',  and  porters'  vociferations, 
and  passengers'  greetings  and  leave-takings — always  to 
be  observed  at  the  White  Horse  Cellar.  Then  he  passed 
along,  till  a  street  row,  near  the  Haymarket,  attracted  his 
attention  and  interested  his  feelings ;  for  it  ended  in  a 
regular  set-to  between  two  watermen  attached  to  the  ad- 
joining coach-stand.  Here  he  conceived  himself  looking 
on  with  the  easy  air  of  a  swell ;  and  the  ordinary  penalty 
(paying  for  his  footing)  was  attempted  to  be  exacted  from 
him;  but  he  had  nothing  to  be  picked  out  of  any  of  his 
pockets  except  that  under  his  very  nose,  and  which  con- 
tained his  white  handkerchief.  This  over,  he  struck  into 
Leicester  Square,  where,  (he  was  m4uek  that  night,)  bur- 


20  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

rying  up  to  another  crowd  at  the  further  end,  he  found  a 
man  preaching  with  infinite  energy.  Mr.  Titmouse  looked 
on,  and  listened  for  two  or  three  minutes  with  apparent 
interest;  and  then,  with  a  countenance  in  which  pity 
struggled  with  contempt,  muttered,  loud  enough  to  be 
heard  by  all  near  him,  "  poor  devil!"  and  walked  off.  He 
had  not  proceeded  many  steps,  before  it  occurred  to  him 
that  a  friend — one  Robert  Huckaback — much  such  an- 
other one  as  himself—lived  in  one  of  the  narrow,  dingy 
streets  in  the  neighbourhood.  He  determined  to  take  the 
chances  of  his  being  at  home,  and  if  so,  of  spending  the 
remainder  of  the  evening  with  him.  Huckaback's  quar- 
ters were  in  the  same  ambitious  proximity  to  heaven  as 
his  own  ;  the  only  difference  being,  that  they  were  a  trifle 
cheaper  and  larger.  He  answered  the  door  himself,  having 
only  the  moment  before  returned  from  his  Sunday's  ex- 
cursion,— i.  e.  the  Jack  Straw's  Castle  Tea  Gardens,  at 
Highbury,  where,  in  company  with  several  of  his  friends, 
he  had  "  spent  a  jolly  afternoon."  He  ordered  in  a  glass 
of  negus  from  the  adjoining  public- house,  after  some  dis- 
cussion, which  ended  in  an  agreement  that  he  should 
stand  treat  that  night,  and  Titmouse  on  the  ensuing  one. 
As  soon  as  the  negus  arrived,  accompanied  by  two  cap- 
tain's biscuits,  which  looked  so  hard  and  hopeless  that 
they  would  have  made  the  nerves  thrill  within  the  teeth 
that  attempted  to  masticate  them,  the  candle  was  lit — 
Huckaback  handed  a  cigar  to  his  friend ;  both  began  to 
puff  away,  and  chatter  pleasantly  concerning  the  many 
events  and  scenes  of  the  day, 

"  Any  thing  stirring  in  to-day's  '  Flash  V  "  inquired 
Titmouse,  as  his  eye  caught  sight  of  a  copy  of  that  able 
and  interesting  Sunday  newspaper,  which  Huckaback  had 
hired  for  the  evening  from  the  news-shop  on  the  ground- 
floor  of  his  lodgings. 

"  Not  knowing,  can't  say,"  answered  his  friend,  re- 
moving his  cigar  with  his  right  hand,  and  then,  with  closed 
eyes  and  inflated  cheeks,  he  very  slowly  ejected  the  smoke 
which  he  had  last  inhaled,  and  rose  and  took  down  the 
paper  from  the  shelf. 

"  Here's  a  mark  of  a  beastly  porter  pot  that's  been  set 
upon  it,  by  all  that's  holy !  It's  been  at  the  public-house  ! 
Too  bad  of  Mrs.  Coggs  to  send  it  me  in  this  state !"  said 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 


21 


he,  handling  it  as  though  its  touch  were  contamination. 
"  Faugh  !  how  it  stinks !" 

"  What  a  horrid  beast  she  must  be !"  exclaimed  Tit- 
mouse, in  like  manner  expelling  his  mouthful  of  smoke. 
"  But,  since  better  can't  be  had,  let's  hear  what  news  is  in 

it.     D e,  it's  the  only  paper  published,  in  my  opinion, 

that's  worth  reading  !     Any  fights  a  stirring  f" 

"Haven't  come  to  them  yet,"  replied  Huckaback,  fixing 
his  feet  on  another  chair,  and  drawing  the  candle  closer 
to  the  paper.  "  It  says,  by  the  way,  that  the  Duke  of 
Dunderhead  is  certainly  making  up  to  Mrs.  Thumps,  the 
rich  Nightman's  widow ; — a  precious  good  hit  that,  is'nt 
it !     You  know  the  Duke's  as  poor  as  a  rat !" 

"  Oh  !  that's  no  news.  It  will  quite  set  him  up — and 
no  mistake.     Seen  the  Duke  ever  ?" 

"  Ye — es  !  Oh,  several  times !" — This  was  a  lie,  and 
Tittlebat  knew  that  it  was. 

«  d d  good  looking,  I  suppose?" 

«  Why — middling ;  I  should  say  middling.  Know  some 
that  needn't  fear  to  compare  with  him — eh  !  Tittlebat  1 — 
and  Huckaback  winked  archly  at  his  friend. 

"  Ah,  ha,  ha  ! — a  pretty  joke  !  But  come,  that's  a  good 
chap !  You  can't  be  reading  both  of  them  at  once — give 
us  the  other  sheet,  and  set  the  candle  right  betwixt  us ! 
Come,  fair's  the  word  !" 

Huckaback,  thus  appealed  to,  did  as  his  friend  requested; 
and  the  two  friends  read  and  smoked  for  some  minutes  in 
silence. 

i»  Well — I  shall  spell  over  the  advertisements  now," 
said  Titmouse ;  "  there's  a  pretty  lot  of  them — and  I've 
read  every  thing  else — precious  little  there  is,  here,  be- 
sides !  So,  here  goes  ! — One  may  hear  of  a  prime  situ- 
ation, you  know — and  I'm  quite  sick  of  Dpwlas  !" 

Another  interval  of  silence  ensued.  Huckaback  was 
deep  in  the  details  of  a  trial  for  murder;  and  Titmouse 
after  having  glanced  listlessly  over  the  entertaining  first 
sheet  of  advertisements,  was  on  the  point  of  laying  down 
his  half  of  the  paper,  when  he  suddenly  started  in  his 
chair,  and  stammered — 

"Hollo  !— hollo!— Why— " 

"  What's  the  matter,  Tit  ?— ehl"  inquired  Huckaback, 
greatly  astonished. 


22  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

For  a  moment,  Titmouse  made  no  answer,  but  fixed  his 
eyes  intently  on  the  paper,  which  began  to  rustle  in  his 
trembling  hands.  What  occasioned  this  eloquent  outbreak, 
with  its  subsequent  agitation,  was  the  following  adver- 
tisement : 

11  Next  of  Kin. — Important. — The  next  of  kin,  if  any 
such  there  be,  of  Gabriel  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  formerly  of 
Whithaven,  cordwainer,  and  who  died  somewhere  about 
the  year  1793,  in  London,  may  hear  of  something  of  the 
greatest  possible  importance  to  himself,  or  herself,  or 
themselves,  by  immediately  communicating  with  Messrs. 
Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  solicitors,  Saffron  Hill.  No 
time  is  to  be  lost.  9th  July,  183-.  The  third  advertise- 
ment.'1'' 

"  By  George  !  Here  is  a  go  !"  exclaimed  Huckaback, 
almost  as  much  flustered. 

"  We  aren't  dreaming,  Hucky,  are  we?"  inquired  Tit- 
mouse, his  eyes  still  glued  to  the  newspaper. 

"  No — by  George  !  Never  was  either  of  us  fellows  so 
precious  wide  awake  in  our  lives  before,  that  I'll  answer 
for !"     Titmouse  sate  still  and  silent,  and  turned  very  pale. 

"Read  it  up,  Huck! — Let's  hear  how  it  sounds,  and 
then  we  shall  believe  it !" 

Huckaback  read  it  aloud. 

"It  sounds  like  something,  don't  it  T'  inquired  Tit- 
mouse, his  colour  a  little  returning. 

"  Uncommon  ! — If  this  isn't  something,  then  there's  no- 
thing in  any  thing  any  more  !" 

"  No  ! — now,  do  you  really  think  so  ]"  said  Titmouse, 
seeking  further  confirmation  than  he  had  yet  derived  from 
his  senses  of  sight  and  hearing. 

"  I  do,  by  !     What  a  go  it  is  ! — Well,  my  poor 

old  mother  used  to  say,  '  depend  on  it,  wonders  never  will 
cease ;'  and  curse  me  if  she  ever  said  a  truer  word  !" 

Titmouse  again  read  over  the  advertisement;  and  then 
relighting  his  fragment  of  cigar,  puffed  earnestly  in  silence 
for  some  moments. 

"  Such  things  never  happens  to  such  a  poor  devil  of  a 
chap  as  me !"  exclaimed  Huckaback  with  a  sigh. 

"  What  is  iu  the  wind,  I  wonder  V  muttered  Titmouse. 

"  Who  knows — hem  ! — who  knows.  But  now,  recdly — " 
he  paused,  and  once  more  read  over  the  pregnant  para- 
graph.    "  It  can't— no,  it  can't  be—" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  23 

"  What,  Tit ?  what  can't  be?"  interrupted  Huckaback 
eagerly. 

"  Why,  I've  been  thinking — but  what  do  you  think, 
eh  ? — it  can't  be  a  cursed  hoax  of  the  chaps  in  the  pre- 
mises at  Dowlas'  1" 

"  Bo ! — Is  there  any  of  'em  flush  enough  of  money,  to 
do  the  thing !  And  how  should  they  think  it  would  ever 
come  to  be  seen  by  you  1  Then,  besides,  there  isn't  a 
chap  among  them  that  could  come  up  to  the  composing  a 
piece  of  composition  like  that — no,  not  for  a  whole  year's 
salary — there  isn't,  by  George  !" 

"  Ah  !  I  don't  know,"  said  Titmouse,  doubtfully.  "  But 
— honour !— do  you  really  now  think  there's  any  thing 
in  it !" 

"  I  do — hanged  if  I  don't,  Tit !"  was  the  sententious 
answer. 

"  Tol  de  rol,  de  rol,  de  rol,  de  rol,— didl'em  daddl'em — 
bough  !"  almost  shouted  Titmouse,  jumping  up,  snapping 
his  fingers,  and  dancing  about  in  a  wild  ecstacy,  which 
lasted  for  at  least  a  minute. 

"  Give  me  your  hand,  Hucky,"  said  he,  almost  breath- 
less. "  If  I  am  a  made  man — tol  de  rol,  lol  de  rol,  lol  de 
rol,  lo  ! — you  see  Huck! — if  I  don't  give  you  the  hand- 
somest breast-pin  you  ever  saw  !  No  paste  !  real  dia- 
mond !  hurrah  !  I  will,  by  jingo  !" 

Huckaback  grasped  and  squeezed  his  hand.  "  We've 
always  been  friends,  Tit — haven't  we  1"  said  he  affection- 
ately. 

"My  room  won't  hold  me  to-night!"  continued  Tit- 
mouse; "  I'm  sure  it  won't.  I  feel  as  if  I  were  swelling 
all  over.  I'll  walk  the  streets  all  night.  I  couldn't  sleep 
a  wink  for  the  life  of  me.  I'll  walk  about  till  the  shop 
opens.  Oh,  faugh  !  how  nasty  !  Confound  the  shop,  and 
Dowlas,  Tag-rag,  (especially  Tag-rag.)  and  every  thing, 
and  every  body  in  it !  Thirty -five  pounds  a-year  !  See 
if  I  won't  spend  as  much  in  cigars  the  first  month  !" 

"Cigars!  Is  that  your  go?  Now,  /  should  take  les- 
son's in  boxing,  to  begin  with.  It's  a  deuced  high  thing, 
you  may  depend  upon  it,  and  you  can't  be  fit  company  for 
swells  without  it,  Tit !" 

"  Whatever  you  like,  whatever  you  like,  Hucky !  I'm 
sorry  to  say  it,  but  how  precious  lucky  that  my  father 


24  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

and  mother's  dead,  and  that  I'm  an  only  child — too-ra- 
laddy  !  too-ra-laddy  I"  Here  he  took  such  a  sudden  leap, 
that  I  am  ashamed  to  say  he  split  his  trowsers  very 
awkwardly,  and  that  sobered  him  for  a  moment,  while 
they  made  arrangements  for  cobbling  it*  up  as  well  as 
might  be,  with  a  needle  and  thread,  which  Huckaback 
always  had  by  him. 

h  We're  rather  jumping  in  the  dark  a  bit,  aren't  we, 
Tit  1"  inquired  Huckaback,  while  his  companion  was  re- 
pairing the  breach.  "  Let's  look  what  it  all  means — here 
it  is."  He  read  it  all  aloud  again—-"  greatest  possible  im- 
portance11— what  can  it  mean  1  Why  the  deuce  couldn't 
they  speak  out  plainly  ?" 

"  What !  in  a  newspaper  1  Lord,  Hucky  !  how  many 
Titmouses  would  start  up  on  all  sides,  if  there  isn't  some 
already !  I  wonder  what  ■  greatest  possible  importance1 
can  mean  now  ?" 

"  Some  one's  left  you  an  awful  lot  of  money,  of  course." 

"  It's  too  good  to  be  true." 

"  Or  you  may  have  made  a  smite;  you  an't  such  a  bad- 
looking  fellow  when  you're  dressed  as  you  are  now."  Mr. 
Titmouse  was  quite  flustered  with  the  mere  supposition, 
and  also  looked  as  sheepish  as  his  features  could  admit  of. 

"  E-e-e-eh,  Hucky  !  how  very  silly  you  are !"  he  sim- 
pered. 

Or  you  may  be  found  out  heir  to  some  great  property, 
and  all  that  kind  of  thing.  But  when  do  you  intend  to 
go  to  Messrs.  What's-their  name?  I  say,  the  sooner  the 
better.  Come,  you've  stitched  them  well  enough,  now ; 
they'll  hold  you  till  you  get  home ;  but  I'd  take  off  my 
straps,  if  I  were  you.  Why  shouldn't  we  go  to  these 
gents,  now  1  Ah,  here  they  are — Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam- 
mon, and  Snap,  solicitors." 

"  I  wonder  if  they're  great  ones  ?  Did  you  ever  hear 
of  them  before?" 

"Haven't  I!  Their  names  is  always  in  this  same 
paper ;  they  are  continually  getting  people  off,  out  of  all 
kinds  of  scrapes." 

"  But,  my  dear  fellow — Saffron  Hill — Low,  that;  low, 
'pon  my  soul !     Never  was  near  it  in  my  life." 

"  But  they  live  there  to  be  near  the  thieves.  Lud,  the 
thieves  couldn't  do  without   'em!     But    what's   that   to 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  25 

you !  You  know  *  a  very  dirty  ugly  toad  has  often  got 
a  jewel  in  his  belly,'  so  Shakspeare  or  some  one  says. 
Isn't  it  enough  for  yoit,  Tit,  if  they  can  make  good  their 
advertisement !  Let's  off,  Tit — let's  off,  I  say  ;  for  you 
mayn't  be  able  to  get  there  to-morrow — your  employ- 
ers ! " 

"  My  employers !  Do  you  think,  Hucky,  I'm  going 
back  to  business  after  this  ]" 

"  Suppose  it  all  turns  out  moonshine." 

"Lord,  but  I  won't  suppose  it!  It  makes  me  sick  to 
think  of  nothing  coming  of  it!  Let's  go  off  at  once,  and 
see  what's  to  be  done !" 

So  Huckaback  put  the  newspaper  in  his  pocket,  blew 
out  the  candle,  and  the  two  started  on  their  important 
errand.  It  was  well  that  their  means  had  been  too  limited 
to  allow  of  their  indulging  to  a  greater  extent  than  a 
glass  of  port-wine  negus  (that  was  the  name  under  which 
they  drank  the  "publican's  port" — i.  e.  a  decoction  of 
oak  bark,  logwood  shavings,  and  a  little  brandy)  be- 
tween them;  otherwise,  excited  as  were  the  feelings  of 
each  of  them  by  the  discovery  of  the  evening,  they  must 
in  all  probability  have  been  guilty  of  some  piece  of  ex- 
travagance in  the  streets.  As  it  was,  they  talked  very 
loudly  as  they  went  along,  and  in  a  tone  of  conversation 
pitched  a  little  too  high  for  their  present  circumstances, 
however  in  unison  it  might  be  with  the  expected  circum- 
stances of  one  of  them. 

In  due  time  they  reached  the  residence  of  which  they 
were  in  search.  It  was  a  large  house,  infinitely  superior 
to  all  its  dingy  neighbours ;  and  on  a  bright  brass-plate,  a 
yard  long  at  least,  and  a  foot  wide,  stood  the  awe-inspi- 
ring words,  "  Quirk,  Gammon,  &  Snap,  Solicitors." 

44  Now,  Tit,"  whispered  Huckaback,  after  they  had 
paused  for  a  second  or  two — "  now  for  it — pluck  up  a 
sperrit — ring !" 

44 1 — I — feel  all  of  a  sudden  uncommon  funky — I  think 
that  last  cigar  of  yours  wasn't " 

44  Stuff,  Tit — ring   away  !    ring   away  !     Faint   heart 


never  wins ! 


i" 


44  Well,  it  must  be  done  ;  so — here  goes,  at  any  rate  !" 
and  with  a  short  nervous  jerk  he  caused  a  startling  clatter 
within,  which  was  so  distinctly  audible  without,  that  both  of 

TOL.  I.  3 


26  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YBAR. 

them  instinctively  hemmed,  as  if  to  drown  the  noise  which 
was  so  much  greater  than  they  had  expected.  In  a  very 
few  moments  they  heard  some  one  undoing  the  fastenings 
of  the  door,  and  the  gentlemen  looked  at  one  another  with 
an  expression  of  mingled  expectation  and  apprehension. 
A  little  old  woman  at  length  stood  before  them,  with  a 
candle  in  her  hand. 

"  Who  are  youf  she  exclaimed  crustily. 

"Is  this  Messrs. — what  is  it,  Huckl — Oh!  Messrs. 
Quirk  &  Co.'s  V1  inquired  Titmouse,  tapping  the  end  of  his 
cane  against  his  chin,  with  a  desperate  effort  to  appear  at 
his  ease. 

44  Why,  where  are  your  eyes  1  I  should  think  you 
might  have  seen  what  was  wrote  on  this  here  plate — it's 
large  enough,  one  could  have  thought,  to  be  read  by  them 
as  can  read  1     What's  your  business  ?" 

44  We  want — Give  us  the  paper,  Hucky" — he  added, 
addressing  his  companion,  who  produced  it  in  a  moment ; 
and  Titmouse  would  have  proceeded  to  possess  the  old 
woman  of  all  his  little  heart,  when  she  cut  him  short  by 
saying,  snappishly — 44  They  aren't  none  on  'em  in  ;  nor 
never  is  on  Sundays — so  you'll  just  call  to-morrow,  if  you 
wants  'em.     What's  your  names  ?" 

44  Mr.  Tittlebat  Titmouse,"  answered  that  gentleman, 
with  very  particular  emphasis  on  every  syllable. 

44  Mr.  Who  ?"  exclaimed  the  old  woman,  opening  her 
eyes,  and  raising  her  hand  to  the  back  of  her  ear.  Mr. 
Titmouse  repeated  his  name  more  loudly  and  distinctly. 

44  Tippetitippety  !— what's  that?" 

44  No,  no!"  exclaimed  Titmouse  peevishly;  "I  said 
Mr.  Tit-el-bat  Titmouse  '.—Will  that  suit  V* 

44  Tick-a-tick-a-tick.  Well,  gracious !  if  ever  I  heard 
such  a  name.  Oh  ! — I  see  you're  making  a  fool  of  me  ! 
Get  off,  or  I'll  call  a  constable  in.  Get  along  with  you,  you 
couple  of  puppies !     Is  this  the  way " 

44 1  tell  you,"  said  Mr.  Huckaback,  44  that  this  gentle- 
man's name  is  Mr.  Tittlebat  Titmouse  ;  and  you'd  better 
take  care  what  you're  at,  old  woman,  for  we've  come  on 
business  of  wital  consequence." 

44 1  dare  say  it'll  keep  till  to-morrow." 

The  friends  consulted  for  a  moment,  and  then  Tit- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  27 

mouse  asked  if  he  might  go  in  and  write  a  letter  to 
Messrs.  Q,uirk. 

"No,"  said  she;  "how  do  I  know  who  you  are? 
There's  a  public  house  close  by,  where  you  may  write 
what  you  like,  and  bring  it  here,  and  they'll  get  it  the  first 
thing  in  the  morning.  So  that's  what  you  may  take  away 
with  you !" — with  which  the  complaisant  old  janitrix  shut 
the  door  in  their  faces. 

"  Huck,  I'm  afraid  there's  nothing  in  it,"  said  Titmouse 
despondingly,  to  his  friend— both  of  them  remaining 
rooted  to  the  spot.    . 

"  Oudacious  old  toad  !"  muttered  Huckaback,  indig- 
nantly 

"If there  was  any  thing  in  it,"  said  Titmouse,  with  a 
deep  sigh,  "  they  must  have  made  a  deal  of  talk  about  it 
in  the  house ;  and  this  old  thing  must  have  heard  my 
name  often  enough.     It  ain't  so  common  a  name,  is  it?" 

"  I — I  own  I  don't  half  like  the  looks  of  it,"  replied  his 
friend,  putting  his  newspaper  into  his  pocket  again  ;  "  but 
we'll  try  if  we  can't  write  a  letter  to  sound  'em,  and  so 
far  take  the  old  creature's  advice.  Here's  the  public- 
house  she  told  us  of.  Come,  let's  see  what's  to  be  done  I" 

Titmouse,  greatly  depressed,  followed  his  friend  ;  and 
they  soon  provided  themselves  with  two  glasses  of  stout, 
and  implements  for  writing.  That  they  made  good  use 
of  their  time  and  materials,  let  the  following  epistle  prove. 
It  was  their  joint  composition,  and  here  is  an  exact  copy 
of  it:— 

"  To  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap. 
"  Sir, 

"  Your  Names  being  put  in  an  Advertisement  in  this 
present  Sunday  Flash,  Newspaper  of  to  Day's  Date,  Mr. 
T.  T.  begs  to  inform  your  respectable  House  I  feel  anxious 
to  speak  with  them  on  this  truly  interesting  subject, 
seeing  it  mentions  the  Name  of  Gabriel  Tittlebat  Tit- 
mouse, which  two  last  Names  of  that  Deceased  Person 
my  oivn  name  is,  which  I  can  any  Day  (as  soon  as  pos- 
sible) call  and  prove  to  you,  by  telling  you  the  Same, 
truly.  He  being  Engaged  in  Business  during  the  week 
very  close  for  the  Present,  I  hope  that  if  they  Have  any 
thing  particular  to  say  to  Him,  they  will  write  to  Me 


28  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

without  the  least  Delay,  and  please  address,  T.  T.,  at 
Dowlas  and  Co.'s,  No.  375,  Oxford  Street,  Post-Paid, 
which  will  ensure  its  being  duly  Taken  In  by  my  Em- 
ployers, and  am,  Gents, 

"  Yours  obediently, 

"  Tittlebat  Titmouse. 

a  p.  g. — My  Friend,  that  is  with  me  writing  This,  (Mr. 
Robert  Huckaback,)  can  prove  who  I  am  if  Necessitated 
tc  do  so. 

"  N.  B. — Shall  have  no  objection  to  do  the  Liberal 
Thing  if  any  thing  suitable  Turns  up  of  it.  T.  T. 

"  Sunday  Evening,  9I7I183-. 
"  Forgot  to  Say,  I  am  the  only  Child  of  my  Honoured 
Parents,  who  died ;  before  I  knew  them  in  Lawful  Wed- 
loc,  and  was  27  last  Birth  Day,  Never  having  Seen  your 
Advertisement  till  this  Night,  wh,  if  Necessary  can 
prove." 

This  perspicuous  and  truly  elegant  performance  having 
been  thrice  subjected  to  the  critical  examination  of  the 
friends,  was  then  folded  up,  and  directed  to  "  Messrs. 
Quirk  and  Co.,"  a  great  straggling  wet  wafer  having  first 
been  put  upon  it.  It  was  safely  deposited,  a  few  minutes 
afterwards,  with  the  old  woman  of  the  house,  and  then 
the  two  West-End  gentlemen  hastened  away  from  that 
truly  plebeian  part  of  the  town.  Under  four  different  gas- 
lights did  they  stop,  take  out  a  newspaper,  and  spell  over 
the  advertisement ;  by  which  ingenious  process  they  at 
length  succeeded  in  satisfying  themselves  that  there  was 
something  in  it.  They  parted,  however,  with  a  conside- 
rable abatement  of  the  excitement  with  which  they  had 
set  out  on  the  voyage  of  discovery. 

Mr.  Titmouse  did  not,  on  reaching  his  room,  take  off 
and  lay  aside  his  precious  Sunday  apparel  with  his  ac- 
customed care  and  deliberation.  On  the  contrary,  he 
peeled  them  off,  as  it  were,  and  threw  himself  on  the  bed 
as  quickly  as  possible,  in  order  that  he  might  calmly  re- 
volve the  immense  event  of  the  day  in  his  mind,  which  it 
had  agitated  like  a  stone  thrown  into  a  stagnant  pool  by 
the  roadside.  Oh,  how  restless  was  he! — not  more  so 
could  he  have  been  had  he  lain  between  horse-hair  sheets. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  29 

He  repeatedly  got  up  and  walked  two  or  three  steps, 
which  were  all  that  his  room  admitted  of,  and  then  sunk 
into  bed  again — but  not  to  sleep,  till  four  or  five  o'clock  ; 
having  nevertheless  to  rise  at  half-past  six,  to  resume  his 
detested  duties  at  Dowlas  and  Co.s',  whose  shop  he  as- 
sisted in  opening  at  seven  o'clock  as  usual.  When  he 
and  his  shopmates  were  sitting  together  at  breakfast,  he 
could  not  help  Jetting  out  a  little,  vaguely  and  mysteri- 
ously, about  "  something  that  might  happen  in  the  course 
of  the  day;"  and  thereby  succeeded  in  satisfying  his 
companions  that  he  expected  the  visit  of  a  policeman,  for 
some  row  he  had  been  concerned  in  over  night.  Well, 
eight,  nine,  ten  o'clock  wore  away  heavily,  and  nothing 
transpired,  alas  !  to  vary  the  monotonous  duties  in  which 
Mr.  Titmouse  was  engaged  ;  bale  after  bale,  and  package 
after  package,  he  took  down  and  put  up  again,  at  the 
bidding  of  pretty  capricious  customers;  silk,  satin,  bom- 
bazines, crapes,  muslins,  ribands,  gloves^  he  assisted  in 
displaying  and  disposing  of  as  usual ;  but  it  is  certain 
that  his  powerful  understanding  could  no  longer  settle 
itself  as  before,  upon  his  responsible  and  arduous  duties  ; 
every  other  minute,  he  cast  a  feverish  furtive  glance  to- 
wards the  door.  He  almost  dropped  at  one  time,  as  a 
postman  crossed  from  the  opposite  side  of  the^Areet,  as 
if  to  enter  their  shop — then  passing  on  immediately,  how- 
ever, to  the  next  door.  Not  a  person,  in  short,  entered 
the  premises,  that  he  did  not  scrutinize  narrowly  and 
anxiously  but  in  vain.  No — buying  and  selling  was  the 
order  of  the  day,  as  usual ! — eleven  o'clock  struck  and  he 
sighed.  "  You  don't  seem  well,"  said  a  pretty  young 
woman,  to  whom,  in  a  somewhat  absent  manner,  he  was 
exhibiting  and  describing  the  qualities  of  some  cambric. 
"  Oh — ye — es,  uncommon  !"  he  replied ;  "  never  better, 
ma'am,  than  when  so  well  employed,"  accompanying  the 
latter  words  with  what  he  conceived  to  be  a  very  arch, 
but  which  was  in  fact  a  very  impudent  look  at  his  fair 
customer.  At  that  moment,  a  voice  called  out  to  him 
from  the  further  end  of  the  shop  near  the  door —  "  Tit- 
mouse wanted !" 

"  Coming!"  he  shouted,  turning  as  white  as  the  cam- 
bric he  held  in  his  hands — which  became  suddenly  cold 
and  clammy ;  while  his  heart  went  thump,  thump,  as  he 
3* 


30  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

hastily  exclaimed,  to  the  astonished  lady,  "  Excuse  me, 
ma'am,  if  you  please — Jones,"  to  the  shopman  next  him, 
"  will  you  attend  to  this  lady  V1  and  he  hastened  whither 
he  had  been  called,  amidst  a  prevalent  grin  and  "  hem  !" 
from  his  companions  on  each  side  as  he  passed  along  the 
shop,  till  he  reached  a  middle-aged  gentlemanly-looking 
person  standing  near  the  door,  and  bowed  to  him. 

"  Mr.  Titmouse  1"  inquired  the  stranger,  blandly. 

"  The  same,  sir,  at  your  service,"  replied  Titmouse, 
trembling  involuntarily  all  over.  The  stranger  slightly 
inclined  towards  him,  and — still  more  slightly — touched 
his  hat ;  fixing  on  him,  at  the  same  time,  an  inquisitive 
penetrating  eye  that  really  abashed  him. 

"  You  left — you  favoured  us  by  leaving  a  note  at  our 
office  last  night,  addressed  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap  1"  he  inquired,  lowering  his  voice  to  a  whisper. 

"  Yes,  sir,  hoping  it  was  no" 

11  Pray,  Mr.  Titmouse,  can  we  be  alone  for  about  five 
or  ten  minutes  1" 

«I__I — don't  exactly  know,  here,  sir;  I'm  afraid  it's 
against  the  rules  of  the  house— but — I'll  ask.  Here  is 
Mr.  Tagrag.  May  I  step  into  the  cloak-room  with  this 
gentleman  for  a  few  minutes,  sir?"  he  continued,  address- 
ing his  imperious  employer,  who,  with  a  pen  behind  his 
right  ear,  his  left  hand  in  his  breeches  pocket,  and  his 
right  hand  impatiently  tweedling  about  his  watch  seals, 
had  followed  Titmouse,  on  hearing  him  inquired  for  in  the 
manner  I  have  described,  and  stood  at  a  yard  or  two's 
distance,  eyeing  the  two  with  a  fussy  dissatisfied  look, 
wondering  what  on  earth  any  one  could  want  with  one  of 
his  young  men. 

As  Mr.  Tagrag  will  figure  a  little  on  my  canvass  by- 
and-by,  I  may  as  well  here  give  the  reader  a  slight  sketch 
of  that  gentleman.  He  was  about  fifty-two  years  old  ;  a 
great  tyrant  in  his  little  way  ;  a  compound  of  ignorance, 
selfishness,  and  conceit.  He  knew  nothing  on  earth  ex- 
cept the  price  of  his  goods,  and  how  to  make  the  most  of 
his  business.  He  was  of  middle  size,  with  a  tendency  to 
corpulence ;  and  almost  invariably  wore  a  black  coat  and 
waistcoat,  a  white  neck-handkerchief  very  firmly  tied,  and 
gray  trowsers.  He  had  a  dull  gray  eye,  with  white  eye- 
lashes, and  no  eyebrows ;  a  forehead  that  seemed  ashamed 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  31 

of  his  face,  it  retreated  so  far  and  so  abruptly  back  from 
it ;  his  face  was  pretty  deeply  pitted  with  the  small-pox  ; 
his  nose — or  rather  semblance  of  a  nose — consisted  of 
two  great  nostrils  looking  at  you  as  it  were,  impudently — 
out  of  the  middle  of  his  face ;  there  was  a  perfectly  level 
space  from  cheekbone  to  cheekbone  ;  his  whiskers,  neatly 
and  closely  cut,  came  in  points  to  each  corner  of  his 
mouth,  which  was  a  very  large,  shapeless,  sensual-looking 
affair.  This  may  serve,  for  the  present,  to  give  you  an 
idea  of  the  man  who  had  contrived  to  excite  towards 
himself  the  hatred  and  contempt  of  every  body  over  whom 
he  had  any  control. 

"  You  know  we  never  allow  any  thing  of  the  sort,"  was 
his  short  reply,  in  a  very  disagreeable  tone  and  manner, 
to  the  modest  request  of  Titmouse,  as  above  mentioned. 

"  May  I  beg  the  favour  of  a  few  minutes'  private  con- 
versation with  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  the  stranger,  politely, 
11  on  a  matter  of  the  last  importance  to  him  1  My  name, 
sir,  is  Gammon,  and  I  am  a  solicitor." 

11  Why,  sir,"  answered  Tagrag,  somewhat  cowed  by 
the  calm  and  gentlemanly,  but  at  the  same  time  decisive 
manner  of  Mr.  Gammon — "  it's  really  very  inconvenient, 
and  decidedly  against  the  rules  of  the  house,  for  any  of  my 
young  men  to  be  absent  on  business  of  their  own,  during 
my  business  hours  ;  but — I  suppose — what  must  be,  must 
be — I'll  give  him  ten  minutes — he'd  better  not  stay 
longer,"  looking  significantly  first  at  his  watch,  and  then 
at  Titmouse.  "  It's  only  for  the  sake  of  the  other  young 
men,  sir.  In  a  large  establishment  like  ours,  we're 
obliged,  you  know,  sir,"  &c,  &c,  &c,  he  added,  in  a 
low  cringing  tone,  deprecatory  of  the  contemptuous  air 
with  which  he  felt  that  Mr.  Gammon  was  regarding  him. 
That  gentleman,  with  a  slight  bow,  and  a  supercilious 
smile,  presently  quitted  the  shop,  accompanied  by  Tit- 
mouse. 

"  How  far  do  you  live  from  this  place,  Mr.  Titmouse  1" 
he  inquired  as  soon  as  they  had  got  into  the  street. 

"  Not  four  minutes'  walk,  sir  ;  but  hem  !"  he  was  flus- 
tered at  the  idea  of  showing  so  eminent  a  person  into  his 
wretched  room — "  Suppose  we  were  to  step  into  this 
tavern  here,  sir — I  dare  say  they've  a  room  at  our  ser- 
vice  " 


32  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Pray,  allow  me  to  ask,  Mr.  Titmouse, — have  you  any 
private  papers — family  writings,  or  things  of  that  sort,  at 
your  rooms  1" 

Titmouse  seemed  considering. 

44 1 — I  think  I  have,  sir — one  or  two — but  they're  of  no 
consequence." 

"Are  you  a  judge,  Mr.  Titmouse?"  inquired  Mr. 
Gammon,  with  a  smile ;  "  pray  let  us,  my  dear  sir,  at 
once  to  your  rooms — time  is  very  short  and  valuable.  I 
should  vastly  like  to  look  at  these  same  insignificant 
papers  of  yours !" 

In  less  than  two  minutes'  further  time,  Mr.  Gammon 
was  sitting  at  Titmouse's  little  rickety  round  table,  at  his 
lodgings,  with  a  sheet  of  paper,  and  his  pens  and  portable 
inkstand  before  him,  asking  him  a  number  of  questions 
concerning  his  birth  and  family  connexions,  and  taking 
down  his  answers  very  carefully — perhaps  almost  word 
for  word.  Mr.  Titmouse  was  quite  surprised  at  the  know- 
ledge which  Mr.  Gammon  possessed  of  the  family  history 
of  the  Titmouses.  As  for  papers,  &c,  Mr.  Titmouse 
succeeded  in  producing  four  or  five  old  letters  and  memo- 
randa from  the  bottom  of  his  trunk,  and  the  fly-leaf  of  a 
Bible  of  his  father's,  which  he  did  not  recollect  having 
opened  before  for  very  many  years,  and  of  which  said 
entries,  till  pressed  on  the  subject  by  Mr.  Gammon,  he 
had  been  hardly  even  aware  of  the  existence.  With  these 
several  documents  Mr.  Gammon  was  so  much  struck  that 
he  proposed  to  take  them  away  with  him,  for  better  and 
more  leisurely  examination,  and  safer  custody,  at  their 
office;  but  Mr.  Titmouse  significantly  hinted  at  his  very 
recent  acquaintance  with  Mr.  Gammon,  who,  he  intimated, 
was  at  liberty  to  come  and  make  exact  copies  of  them 
whenever  he  pleased,  in  his  (Mr.  Titmouse's)  presence. 

"  Oh,  certainly — yes,"  replied  Mr.  Gammon,  slightly 
colouring  at  the  distrust  implied  by  this  observation ;  "  I 
applaud  your  caution,  Mr.  Titmouse.  By  all  means  keep 
them,  and  most  carefully;  because,  (I  do  not  say  that  they 
are,)  but  it  is  quite  possible,  that  they  may  become  rather 
valuable." 

"Thank  you,  sir:  and  now,  hoping  you'll  excuse  the 
liberty,  I  should  uncommonly  like  to  know  what  all  this 
means — what  is  to  turn  up  out  of  it  all  1" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  33 

"  The  law,  my  dear  sir,  is  proverbially  uncertain " 

"  Oh,  Lord!  but  the  law  can  give  me  a  hint " 

"  The  law  never  hints,11  interrupted  Mr.  Gammon, 
impressively,  with  a  bland  smile. 

"  Well  then,  how  did  you  come,  sir,  to  know  that  there 
ever  was  such  a  person  as  Mr.  Gabriel  Titmouse?  I 
suppose  he  is  my  great  uncle,  and  what  can  come  from 
him,  if  he  was  only  a  bit  of  a  shoemaker?" 

"  Ah,  yes — exactly ;  those  are  very  interesting  ques- 
tions." 

"Yes,  sir;  and  them  and  a  great  many  more  I  was 
going  to  ask  long  ago,  but  I  saw  you  were " 

"  Sir,  I  perceive  that  we  have  positively  been  absent 
from  your  place  of  business  nearly  an  hour—your  em- 
ployers will  be  getting  rather  impatient." 

11  Meaning  no  offence,  sir — bother  their  impatience ;  I'm 
impatient,  I  assure  you,  to  know  what  all  this  means. 
Come,  sir,  see  how  openly  I  have  told  you  every  thing." 

"  Why,  certainly,  you  see,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  Gam- 
mon, with  an  agreeable  smile — (it  was  that  smile  of  his 
that  had  been  the  making  of  Gammon) — "  it  is  only  candid 
in  me  to  acknowledge  that  your  curiosity  is  perfectly 
reasonable;  and  I  see  no  difficulty  in  admitting  that  / 
have  had  a  motive " 

"  Yes,  sir — and  all  that — /  know,  sir," — hastily  inter- 
rupted Titmouse,  but  without  irritating  or  disturbing  the 
placid  speaker. 

"  And  that  we  waited  with  some  anxiety  for  the  result 
of  our  advertisement." 

"  Ah,  you  can't  escape  from  that,  you  know,  sir  !"  inter- 
posed Titmouse,  with  a  confident  air. 

"  But  it  is  a  maxim  with  us,  my  dear  sir,  never  to  be 
premature  in  any  thing,  especially  when  it  may  be  very 
prejudicial ;  you've  really  no  idea,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse, 
of  the  world  of  mischief  that  is  often  done  by  precipitancy 
in  legal  matters ;  and  in  the  present  step  of  the  business 
— the  present  stage,  my  dear  sir — I  really  do  see  it  neces- 
sary not  to — do  any  thing  premature,  and  without  con- 
sulting my  partners." 

"  Lord,  sir !"  exclaimed  Titmouse,  getting  more  and 
more  irritated  and  impatient  as  he  reflected  on  the  length 
of  his  absence  from  Dowlas  &  Co.'s. 


34  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

41  I  quite  feel  for  your  anxiety — so  perfectly  natu- 
ral  " 

44  Oh,  dear  sir!  if  you'd  only  tell  me  the  least  bit " 

"  If,  my  dear  sir,  I  were  to  disclose  just  now  the 
exact  object  we  had  in  writing  that  advertisement  in  the 
papers " 

"  How  did  you  come  to  know  of  it  at  all,  sir]  Come, 
there  can't  be  any  harm." 

"Not  the  least,  my  dear  sir.  It  was  in  the  course  01 
business — in  the  course  of  business." 

"  Is  it  money  that's  been  left  me — or — any  thing  of  that 
sort  1" 

"It  quite  pains  me,  I  assure  you,  Mr.  Titmouse — I 
think,  by  the  way  " — added  Gammon,  suddenly,  as  some- 
thing occurred  to  him  of  their  previous  conversation, 
which  he  was  not  sure  of — "  you  told  me  that  that  Bible 
was  given  you  by  your  father." 

"  Oh  yes,  sir !  yes — no  doubt  of  it ;  surely  that  can't 
signify,  seeing  he  is  dead,  and  I'm  his  only  son  V1  asked 
Titmouse,  quickly  and  eagerly. 

"  Oh,  'tis  only  a  circumstance — a  mere  circumstance; 
but  in  business,  you  know,  Mr.  Titmouse,  every  little 
helps." 

"  Why,  meaning  no  offence,  sir,  I  can't  abide  being  put 
off  in  this  kind  of  way.  See  what  I've  told  you — you've 
told  me  nothing  at  all.  I  hope  you  haven't  been  only 
making  me  a  cat's-paw  of?  I  hate  being  made  a  cat's- 
paw  of,  sir!" 

"Gracious,  Mr.  Titmouse!  how  can  you  imagine  it! 
You  are  at  this  moment  the  object  of  a  considerable  share 
of  our  anxiety " 

"  Not  meaning  it  rudely,  sir — please  to  tell  me  at  once, 
plainly,  am  I  to  be  the  better  for  any  thing  you're  now 
about  ]" 

"  That  may  or  may  not  be,  sir,"  answered  Gammon, 
in  the  same  imperturbable  manner,  drawing  on  his  gloves, 
and  rising  from  his  chair.  "  In  justice  to  yourself,  and 
other  parties  concerned " 

"  Oh  !  is  any  body  to  share  in  it?"  exclaimed  Titmouse, 
alarmed  ly. 

"  I  am  sure,"  said  Gammon,  smiling,  "  that  you  will 
give  us  credit  for  consulting  your  best  interests.     We  sin- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  35 

cerely  desire  to  advance  them  ;  and  this  matter  occupies  a 
good  deal  of  our  time  and  anxiety.  It — is  really"  look- 
ing at  his  watch,  "an  hour  since  we  quitted  your  place 
of  business — I  fear  I  shall  get  into  disgrace  with  your 
employers.  Will  you  favour  us  with  a  call  at  our  office 
to-morrow  night,  when  the  business  of  the  day  is  over? 
When  do  you  quit  at  night?" 

"About  a  quarter  to  ten,  sir;  but,  really — to-morrow 
night!     Couldn't  I  come  to-night,  sir?" 

"  Not  to-night,  I  fear,  my  dear  sir.  We  have  a  very 
important  engagement.  Let  us  say  to-morrow  night,  at 
a  quarter  past  ten — shall  we  say  that  hour?" 

11  Well,  sir,  if  not  before — yes — I'll  be  with  you.     But 

I  must  say " 

"  Good-day,  Mr.  Titmouse."  They  were  by  this  time 
in  Oxford  Street  again.  "  Good-day,  my  dear  sir — good- 
day — to-morrow  night,  as  soon  after  ten  as  possible — eh  1 
Good-by." 

This  was  ail  that  Mr.  Titmouse  could  get  out  of  Mr. 
Gammon,  who,  hailing  a  coach  off  the  stand  beside  them, 
popped  into  it,  and  it  was  soon  making  its  way  eastward. 
What  a  miserable  mixture  of  doubts,  hopes,  and  fears, 
had  Mr.  Gammon  left  Titmouse!  He  felt  as  if  he  were 
like  a  squeezed  orange;  he  had  told  every  thing  he  knew 
about  himself,  and  got  nothing  in  return  out  of  the  smooth, 
imperturbable,  impenetrable  Mr.  Gammon,  but  empty 
civilities. — "  Lord,  Lord !"  thought  Titmouse,  as  Mr. 
Gammon's  coach  turned  the  corner;  "  what  would  I  give 
to  know  half  about  it  that  that  man  knows!  But,  Mr. 
Tagrag!  good  gracious !  what  will  he  say?  It's  struck 
twelve.  I've  been  an  hour  away — and  he  gave  me  ten 
minutes  !     Sha'n't  I  catch  it  ?" 

And  he  did.  Almost  the  very  first  person  he  met,  on 
entering  the  shop;  was  his  respected  employer,  Mr. 
Tagrag,  who,  plucking  his  watch  out  of  his  fob,  and, 
looking  furiously  at  it,  motioned  the  trembling  Titmouse 
to  follow  him  to  the  farther  end  of  the  long  shop,  where 
there  happened  to  be  then  no  customers. 
"  Is  this  your  ten  minutes,  sir,  eh  !" 

"  I  am  sorry " 

"  Where  the  devil  have  you  been,  sir!" 

"  With  that  gentleman,  sir,  and  I  really  did  not  know — " 


36  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  You  didn't  know,  sir  !  Who  cares  what  you  know, 
or  don't  know?  You  know  you  ought  to  have  been 
back  fifty-five  minutes  ago,  sir.  You  do,  sir !  Isn't  your 
time  my  property,  sir]  Don't  I  pay  for  it,  sir]  An 
hftur ! — in  the  middle  of  the  day  !  My  God  !  I've  not  had 
such  a  thing  happen  this  five  years !  I'll  stop  it  out  of 
your  salary,  sir." 

Titmouse  did  not  attempt  to  interrupt  him. 

"  What  have  you  been  gossiping  about,  sir  ?" 

"  Something  that  he  wanted  to  say  to  me,  sir." 

"Impudence! — do  you  suppose  I  don't  see  your  imper- 
tinence ]  I  insist,  sir,  in  knowing  what  all  this  gossiping 
with  that  fellow  has  been  about]" 

'*  Then  you  won't  know,  sir,"  replied  Titmouse,  dog- 
gedly ;  returning  to  his  usual  station  behind  the  counter. 

"  You  won't!!" 

"  No,  sir,  you  sha'n't  know  a  single  word  about  it." 

"  Sha'n't  know  a  single  word  about  it !  My  God  !  Do 
you  know  whom  you're  talking  to,  sir]  Do  you  really 
know  who  I  am,  sir]   whom  you  are  speaking  to,  sir]" 

"  Mr.  Tagrag,  I  presume,  of  the  firm  of  Dowlas,  Tag- 
rag,  &  Co." — one  or  two  of  his  companions  near  him, 
almost  turned  pale  at  the  audacity  he  was  displaying. 

"  And  who  are  you,  sir,  that  dare  to  presume  to  bandy 
words  with  me,  sir  ]"  inquired  Tagrag,  quivering  with 
rage. 

"  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  at  your  service,"  was  the  answer, 
in  a  glib  tone,  and  with  a  sufficiently  saucy  air. 

"  You  heard  that,  I  hope !"  inquired  Tagrag  with  forced 
calmness,  of  a  pale-faced  young  man,  the  nearest  to  him. 

"  Ye — es,"  was  the  meekly  reluctant  answer. 

"This  day  month  you  leave,  sir!"  said  Mr.  Tagrag, 
solemnly — as  if  conscious  that  he  was  passing  a  sort  of 
Sentence  of  death  upon  the  presumptuous  delinquent. 

"  Yery  well,  Mr.  Tagrag— any  thing  that  pleases  you 
pleases  your  humble  servant.  I  will  go  this  day  month, 
and  welcome — I've  long  wished " 

"  Then  you  sha'n't  leave,  sir,"  said  Tagrag,  furiously. 

"But  I  will,  sir.  You've  given  me  warning;  and,  if 
you  haven't,  now  I  give  you  warning,"  replied  Titmouse; 
turning,  however,  very  pale,  and  experiencing  a  certain 
sudden  sinking  of  the  heart — for  this  was  a  serious  and 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  37 

most  unlooked-for  event,  and  for  a  while  put  out  of  his 
head  all  the  agitating  thoughts  of  the  last  few  hours. 
Poor  Titmouse  had  enough  to  bear — what  with  the  deli- 
cate raillery  and  banter  of  his  accomplished  companions 
for  the  rest  of  the  day,  and  the  galling  tyranny  of  Mr. 
Tagrag,  who  dogged  about  him  all  day,  setting  him  about 
the  most  menial  and  troublesome  offices  he  could,  and 
constantly  saying  mortifying  things  to  him,  before  cus- 
tomers, and  the  state  of  miserable  suspense  in  which  Mr. 
Gammon  had  thought  fit  to  leave  him :  I  say  that  surely 
all  this  was  enough  for  him  to  bear  without  having  to 
encounter  at  night,  as  he  did,  on  his  return  to  his  lodgings, 
his  blustering  landlady,  who  vowed  that  if  she  sold  him 
out  and  out  she'd  be  put  off  no  longer — and  his  pertina- 
cious and  melancholy  tailor,  who,  with  sallow  unshaven 
face,  told  him  of  five  children  at  home,  all  ill  of  the  small- 
pox, and  his  wife  in  an  hospital — and  he  implored  a  pay- 
ment on  account.  This  sufferer  succeeded  in  squeezing 
out  of  Titmouse  seven  shillings  on  account,  and  his  land- 
lady extorted  ten ;  which  staved  off  a  distress — direful 
word — for  some  week  or  two  longer ;  and  so  they  left 
him  in  the  possession  of  eight  shillings,  or  so,  to  last  till 
next  quarter-day.  He  sighed  heavily,  barred  his  door, 
and  sat  down  opposite  his  little  table,  on  which  was 
nothing  but  a  solitary  thin  candle,  and  on  which  his  eyes 
rested  unconsciously,  till  the  stench  of  it,  burning  right 
down  in  the  socket,  roused  him  from  his  wretched  revery. 
He  then  hastily  threw  off  his  clothes,  and  flung  himself 
on  his  bed,  to  pass  a  far  more  dismal  night  than  he  had 
known  for  years. 

He  ran  the  gauntlet  at  Messrs.  Dowlas,  Tagrag,  &  Co.'s 
all  Tuesday,  as  he  had  done  on  the  day  preceding.  One 
should  have  supposed  that  when  his  companions  beheld 
him  persecuted  by  their  common  employer  and  master, 
whom  they  all  equally  hated,  they  would  have  made 
common  cause  with  their  suffering  companion,  or  at  all 
events  given  no  countenance  to  his  persecution;  yet  it 
was  far  otherwise.  Without  stopping  to  analyze  the 
feeling  which  produced  it,  (and  which  the  moderately 
reflective  reader  may  easily  analyze  for  himself  if  so  dis- 
posed,) I  am  grieved  to  have  to  say,  that  when  all  the 
young  men  saw  that  Tagrag  would  be  gratified  by  their 

vol.  i.  4 


38  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

cutting  poor  Titmouse,  who,  with  all  his  little  vanities  and" 
emptiness,  had  never  offended  or  injured  any  of  them — 
they  did  so ;  and,  when  Tagrag  observed  it,  his  misera- 
ble mind  was  more  gratified  with  them  by  far  than  it  had 
ever  been  before.  He  spoke  to  all  of  them  with  unusual 
blandness;  to  the  sinner,  Titmouse,  with  augmented  bit- 
terness. 

A  few  minutes  after  ten  o'clock  that  night,  a  gentle 
ringing  of  the  bell  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap's 
office,  announced  the  arrival  of  poor  Titmouse.  The  door 
was  quickly  opened  by  a  clerk,  who  seemed  in  the  act  of 
quitting  for  the  night. 

"  Ah — Mr.  Titmouse,  I  presume  1"  he  inquired,  with  a 
kind  of  deference  in  his  manner  that  Titmouse  had  never 
been  accustomed  to. 

"  The  same,  sir — Tittlebat  Titmouse." 

"  Oh  1  allow  me,  sir,  to  conduct  you  in  to  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,  who  are,  I  know,  in  expectation  of 
seeing  you.  It  is  very  rarely  that  they  are  here  at  so  late 
an  hour."  With  this  he  led  the  way  to  an  inner  room, 
and  opening  a  green-baize  door  in  the  further  side  of  it, 
announced  Mr.  Titmouse,  and  left  him — sufficiently  flus- 
tered. Three  gentlemen  were  sitting  at  a  large  table,  on 
which  he  saw,  by  the  strong  but  circumscribed  light  of 
two  large  shaded  candlesticks,  were  lying  a  great  number 
of  papers  and  parchments.  The  three  gentlemen  rose 
when  he  entered,  and  Mr.  Gammon  came  and  shook  hands 
with  him. 

"  Mr.  Titmouse,  let  me  introduce  you  to  Mr.  Quirk" — 
this  was  the  senior  partner,  a  short,  stout,  elderly  gen* 
tleman,  with  a  shining  baldhead  and  white  hair,  and  sharp 
black  eyes,  and  who  looked  very  earnestly  at  him — "and 
Mr.  Snap" — this  was  the  junior  partner,  having  recently 
been  promoted  to  be  such  after  ten  years'  service  in  the 
office  of  managing  clerk ;  he  was  about  thirty,  particularly 
well  dressed,  slight,  active,  and  with  a  face  like  a  terrier, 
50  hard,  sharp,  and  wiry ! — Mr.  Gammon  himself  was 
about  forty,  very  genteel,  with  a  ready  bow,  insinuating 
smile,  and  low  tone  of  voice;  his  look  withal,  acute  and 
cautious. 

"  A  seat,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  Mr.  Quirk,  placing  a 
chair  for  him,  on  which  he  sat  down,  they  resuming  theirs. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  39 

"  Punctual,  Mr.  Titmouse !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Gammon, 
with  a  smile ;  "  more  so  than  I  fear  you  were  yesterday, 
after  our  long  interview,  eh !  Pray  what  did  that  worthy 
person,  Mr.  Ragbag,  say,  on  your  return  7" 

"  Say,  gents !" — (he  tried  to  clear  his  throat,  for  he 
spoke  somewhat  more  thickly,  and  his  heart  beat  more 
perceptibly  than  usual) — "  I'm  ruined  by  it,  and  no  mis- 
take." 

"  Ruined !  I'm  sorry  to  hear  it,"  interposed  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, with  a  concerned  air. 

"  I  am  indeed,  sir.  Such  a  towering  rage  as  he  has 
been  in  ever  since ;  and  he's  given  me  warning  to  go  on 
the  10th  of  next  month."  He  thought  he  observed  a  faint 
smile  flit  over  the  faces  of  all  three. 

"  He  has  indeed  !" 

"  Dear  me,  Mr.  Titmouse — what  cause  did  he  allege 
for  dismissing  you  1"  keenly  inquired  Mr.  Quirk. 

"  Yes—" 

"  What !" 

"  Stopping  out  longer  than  I  was  allowed,  and  refusing 
to  tell  him  what  this  gentleman  and  I  had  been  talking 
about." 

"  Don't  think  that'll  do ;  sure  it  wont !"  briskly  ex- 
claimed Mr.  Snap ;  "  no  just  cause,  that,"  and  he  jumped 
up,  whisked  down  a  book  from  the  shelves  behind  him. 
and  eagerly  turned  over  the  leaves. 

"Never  mind  that  now,  Mr.  Snap,"  said  Mr.  Quirk, 
rather  petulantly  ;  "  surely  we  have  other  matters  to  talk 
about  to-night." 

u  Asking  pardon,  sir,  but  I  think  it  does  matter  to  me, 
sir,"  interposed  Titmouse  ;  "  for  on  the  10th  of  next  month 
I'm  a  beggar — being  next  door  to  it  now." 

"  Not  quite,  we  trust,"  said  Mr.  Gammon. 

"  But  Mr.  Tagrag  said  he'd  make  me  as  good  as  one." 

"  That's  evidence  to  show  malice,"  again  eagerly  inter- 
jected Mr.  Snap,  who  was  again  tartly  rebuffed  by  Mr. 
Quirk;  even  Mr.  Gammon  turning  towards  him  with  a 
surprised — "  Really,  Mr.  Snap  !" 

"  So  Mr.  Tagrag  said  he'd  make  you  a  beggar  ?"  in- 
quired Mr.  Quirk. 

"  He  vowed  he  would,  sir  !" 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha  !"  laughed  Mr.  Quirk  and  Mr.  Gammon — 


40  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

but  such  a  laugh  ! — not  careless,  or  hearty,  but  subdued 
with  a  dash  of  deference  in  it. 

"  Well — it  perhaps  may  not  signify  much  by  that  time;" 
and  he  laughed  again,  followed  by  the  soft  laugh  of  Mr. 
Gammon,  and  a  kind  of  sharp  quick  sound  like  a  bark, 
from  Mr.  Snap. 

"  But,  gents,  you'll  excuse  me  if  I  say  I  think  it  does 
signify  to  me,  and  an't  any  laughing  matter !  Without 
being  rude,  I'd  rather  come  to  business,  if  there's  any  to 
be  done,  without  this  laughing  at  me." 

"  Laughing  at  you  !  my  dear  sir, — no,  no !"  exclaimed 
all  three  in  a  breath — "  laughing  with  you,"  said  Mr. 
Quirk !  "  By  the  time  you  mention,  you  may  perhaps  be 
able  to  laugh  at  Mr.  Ragbag,  and  every  body  else, 
for " 

[ — "  Why  should  we  mince  the  matter  V  he  whispered, 
in  a  low  tone,  to  Mr.  Gammon,  who  nodded  acquiescence, 
and  fixed  his  eyes  earnestly  on  Titmouse.] 

"  I  really  think  we  are  warranted  in  preparing  to  expect 
by  that  time  an  extraordinary  change  in  your  circum- 
stances." Titmouse  began  to  tremble  violently,  and  his 
hands  were  bedewed  with  a  cold  moisture. 

"I  hear,  sir,"  he  murmured:  and  he  also  heard  a  faint 
ringing  in  his  ears. 

"In  all  human  probability,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  continued 
Mr.  Quirk,  himself  a  little  excited  with  the  important  com- 
munication that  trembled  on  the  tip  of  his  tongue,  "  you 
will  erelong  be  put  into  possession  of  somewhere  about 
Ten  Thousand  a-year." 

The  words  seemed  to  have  struck  Titmouse  blind — as 
he  saw  nothing  for  some  moments ;  then  every  thing 
seemed  swimming  around  him,  and  he  felt  a  sort  of  faint- 
ness  or  sickness  stealing  over  him.  They  had  hardly  been 
prepared  for  their  communications  affecting  their  visiter 
so  powerfully.  Mr.  Snap  hastened  out  and  in  with  a  glass 
of  water ;  and  the  earnest  attentions  of  the  three  soon 
restored  Mr.  Titmouse  to  his  senses.  It  was  a  good 
while,  however,  before  he  could  appreciate  the  little  con- 
versation which  they  now  and  then  addressed  to  him,  or 
estimate  the  full  importance  of  the  astounding  event  Mr. 
Q,uirk  had  just  communicated.     "  May  I  make  free  to  ask 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  41 

for  a  little  brandy  and  water,  gents  1  I  feel  all  over  in  a 
kind  of  tremble,  said  he,  some  half  an  hour  afterwards." 
"  Yes — by  all  means,  Mr.  Titmouse.  Mr.  Snap,  will 
you  be  kind  enough  to  order  Betty  to  bring  in  a  glass  of 
brandy  and  water  from  the  Jolly  Thieves,  next  door  V — 
Snap  shot  out,  gave  the  order,  and  returned  in  a  trice. 
The  old  woman,  in  a  few  minutes'  time  followed,  with  a 
large  tumbler  of  dark  brandy  and  water,  quite  hot,  for 
which  Mr.  Gammon  apologized,  but  Mr.  Titmouse  said 
he  preferred  it  so — and  soon  addressed  himself  to  the  in- 
spiriting mixture.  It  quickly  manifested  its  influence,  re- 
assuring him  wonderfully.  As  he  sat  sipping  it,  Messrs. 
Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap  being  engaged  in  an  earnest 
conversation,  of  which  he  could  understand  little  or 
nothing,  he  had  leisure  to  look  about  him,  and  observed 
that  there  was  lying  before  them  a  large  sheet  of  paper, 
at  which  all  of  them  often  and  earnestly  looked,  filled  with 
lines,  so — 


i      i  i 

I  ! 

with  writing  at  the  ends  of  each  of  them,  and  round  and 
square  figures.  When  he  saw  them  all  bending  over  and 
scrutinizing  this  mysterious  object,  it  puzzled  him  (and 
many  a  better  head  than  his  has  a  pedigree  puzzled  before) 
sorely,  and  he  began  to  suspect  it  was  a  sort  of  conjuring- 
paper ! — 

"  I  hope,  gents,  that  paper's  all  right— eh  ?"  said  he 
supported  by  the  brandy,  which  he  had  nearly  finished. 
They  turned  towards  him  with  a  smile  of  momentary 
surprise,  and  then — 

"  We  hope  so — a  vast  deal  depends  on  it,"  said  Mr. 
Quirk,  looking  over  his  glasses  at  Titmouse.  Now  what 
he  had  hinted  at,  as  far  as  he  could  venture  to  do  so,  was 
a  thought  that  glanced  across  his  as  yet  unsettled  brain, 
that  there  might  have  been  invoked  more  than  mere 
earthly  assistance ;  but  he  prudently  pressed  the  matter 
no  farther,  that  was  all  Messrs.  Q,uirk,  Gammon  and 
Snap's  look  out ;  he  had  been  no  party  to  any  thing  of 
the  sort,  nor  would  he  knowingly;  he  also  observed  the 

4* 


42  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

same  sheets  of  paper  written  all  over,  which  Mr.  Gammon 
had  filled  at  his  (Titmouse's)  room,  the  day  before ;  and 
many  new  and  more  odd-looking  papers  and  parchments. 
Sometimes  they  addressed  questions  to  him,  but  found  it 
somewhat  difficult  to  keep  his  attention  up  to  any  thing 
that  was  said  to  him  for  the  wild  visions  that  were  chasing 
one  another  through  his  heated  brain ;  the  passage  of 
which  said  visions  was  not  a  little  accelerated  by  the  large 
tumbler  of  brandy  and  water  which  he  had  just  taken. 

"  Then  in  fact,"  said  Mr.  Gammon,  as  the  three  simul- 
taneously sat  down,  after  having  been  for  some  time 
standing  poring  over  the  paper  before  Mr.  Quirk.  "  Tit- 
tlebat's title  accrued  in  1818  ?" 

"  Precisely  so,"  said  Mr.  Quirk  emphatically. 

"To  be  sure,"  confidently  added  Snap;  who  having 
devoted  himself  exclusively  all  his  life  to  the  sharpest 
practice  of  the  common  law  as  it  is  called,  knew  about  as 
much  real  property  law  as  a  snip — but  it  would  not  do  to 
appear  ignorant,  or  taking  no  part  in  the  matter,  in  the 
presence  of  the  heir  at  law,  and  the  future  great  client  of 
the  House. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  at  length  said  Mr.  Quirk,  laying 
aside  his  glasses — "  you  are  likely  to  be  one  of  the  luckiest 
men  of  your  day  !  We  may  be  mistaken,  but  it  appears 
to  us  that  your  right  is  clear,  and  has  been  clear  these  ten 
or  twelve  years,  to  the  immediate  enjoyment  of  a  very 
fine  estate  in  the  north  of  England,  worth  some  £9000  or 
£10,000  a-year,  at  the  least !" 

"  You  don't  say  so  !" 

"  We  do,  indeed  ;  and  are  very  proud  and  happy  indeed 
to  be  the  honoured  instruments  of  establishing  your  rights, 
my  dear  sir,"  said  Mr.  Gammon. 

"  Then  all  the  money  that's  been  spent  this  ten  or 
twelve  years  is  my  money,  is  it  V9 

"If  we  are  right  it  is  undoubtedly  as  you  say,"  answered 
Mr.  Quirk. 

"  There'll  be  a  jolly  reckoning  for  some  one,  then, 
shortly — eh  1     My  eyes  !" 

"  Ah,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse!"  cried  Mr.  Gammon,  with 
subdued  ecstacy,  as  before  his  mind's  eye  rose  visions  of 
interminable  proceedings  at  law  and  in  equity — hundreds 
upon  hundreds  of  portly,  red  tape-tied  "cases,"  "briefs," 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  43 

and  "  motion  papers,"  with  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  at 
the  bottom  of  each  of  them,  and  constantly  under  the  eye  of 
the  court  and  the  bar,  and  before  the  public — (the  same  kind 
of  thoughts  must  have  passed  through  Snap's  mind,  for  he 
rubbed  his  hands  in  silence  with  an  excited  air) — 

"  My  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,  you  have  a  most  just  regard 
for  your  own  interests :  there  will  be  a  reckoning,  and  a 
very  terrible  one,  ere  long,  for  somebody — but  we've  time 
enough  for  all  that !  Only  let  us  have  the  unspeakable 
happiness  of  seeing  you  once  fairly  in  possession  of  your 
estates,  and  our  office  shall  know  no  rest  till  you  have 
got  all  you  are  entitled  to — every  farthing  even !" 

"  Oh,  never  fear  our  letting  them  rest !"  said  Mr.  Quirk, 
judiciously  accommodating  himself  to  the  taste  and  appre- 
hension of  his  excited  auditor — "  Those  that  must  give 
up  the  goose,  must  give  up  the  giblets  also — ha,  ha,  ha !" 
Messrs.  Gammon  and  Snap  echoed  the  laugh,  and  en- 
joyed the  joke  of  the  head  of  the  firm. 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha !"  laughed  Mr.  Titmouse,  immensely  ex- 
cited by  the  conjoint  influence  of  the  brandy  and  the  news 
of  the  night,  "  capital !  capital!  hurrah!  Such  goings  on 
there  will  be  !  You're  all  of  the  right  sort,  I  see  !  Law 
for  ever  !  Let  me  shake  hands  with  you  all,  gents  !  Come, 
if  you  please,  all  together!  all  friends  to-night?" 

And  he  grasped  each  of  the  three  readily-proffered 
right  hands  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  with 
an  energy  that  was  likely  to  make  all  the  high  contracting 
parties  to  that  quadruple  alliance  remember  its  ratification. 

"  And  is  it  all  a  ready-money  affair,  gents — or  rent, 
and  all  that  kind  of  thing  7" 

"  Why,  almost  entirely  the  latter,"  answered  Quirk, 
"  except  the  accumulations." 

"  Then  I'm  a  great  landlord,  am  I  1" 

"Indeed,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,  you  are — (that  is, 
unless  we  have  made  a  blunder  such  as  our  house  is  not 
often  in  the  habit  of  making)  and  have  two  very  fine 
houses  in  different  parts  of  the  country." 

"Capital!  delightful!  I'll  live  in  both  of  them— such 
goings  on!  And  is  it  quite  up  to  the  mark  of  10,000/. 
a-year  1" 

"  We  really  entertain  no  doubt." 

"  And  such  as  I  can  spend  all  of  it,  every  year  ?" 


44  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Certainly — no  doubt  of  it—not  the  least.  The  rents 
are  paid  with  most  exemplary — at  least,"  added  Mr. 
Gammon,  with  a  captivating  and  irresistible  smile,  and 
taking  him  affectionately  by  the  hand — "at  least  they 
ivill  be,  as  soon  as  we  have  them  fairly  in  our  manage- 
ment." 

"  Oh,  you're  to  get  it  all  in  for  me,  are  you  ?"  he  in- 
quired briskly.  The  three  partners  bowed,  with  the  most 
deprecatingly  disinterested  air  in  the  world,  intimating 
that,  for  his  sake,  they  were  ready  to  take  upon  them- 
selves even  that  troublesome  responsibility. 

"  Capital !  couldn't  be  better  !  couldn't  be  better !  Ah, 
ha,  ha — you've  catched  the  goose,  and  must  bring  me  its 
eggs.     Ah,  ha,  ha  !  a  touch  in  your  line,  old  gents  1" 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  excellent !  ah,  ha,  ha  !"  laughed  the  three 
partners  at  the  wit  of  their  new  client.  Mr.  Titmouse 
joined  them,  and  snapped  his  fingers  in  the  air. 

"  Lord — I've  just  thought  of  Dowlas,  Tagrag  and  Com- 
pany's— I  seem  as  if  I  hadn't  seen  or  heard  of  them  for 
Lord  knows  how  long ! — but  there  they  are ! — fancy  old 
Tagrag  making  me  a  beggar  on  the  tenth  of  next  month 
— ha,  ha,  ha  ! — sha'n't  see  that  d — d  hob  any  more." 

"  There  1"  whispered  Mr.  Gammon,  apprehensively,  in 
the  ear  of  Mr.  Quirk ;  "  didn't  I  tell  you  that  that  would 
be  it  1     We've  been  monstrously  foolish  and  premature." 

"  It  won't  do  to  go  back  to  that — eugh  !  eh  ?  will  it ! — 
you  know  what  I  mean!  Fancy  Tittlebat  Titmouse 
standing  behind " 

The  partners  looked  rather  blank. 

"  We  could  venture  to  suggest,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said 
Mr.  Gammon,  seriously,  "  the  absolute  necessity  there  is 
for  every  thing  on  your  part  and  our  parts  to  go  on  as 
quietly  as  before,  for  a  little  time  to  come ;  to  be  sure  and 
safe,  my  dear  sir,  we  must  be  secret.''1 

"  Oh,  I  see,  gents  !  I  see ;  mum — mum's  the  word, 
for  the  present !  But,  I  must  say,  if  there  is  any  one 
whom  I  want  to  hear  of  it  sooner  than  another,  it's" 

"Dowdy,  Ragbag,  and  Co.,  I  suppose!  ha,  ha,  ha!" 
interrupted  Mr.  Gammon,  his  partners  echoing  his  laugh. 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha  !  Cuss  the  cats — that's  it — ha,  ha,  ha  !" 
echoed  Mr.  Titmouse ;  who,  getting  up  out  of  his  chair, 
could  not  resist  capering  to  and  fro  in  something  of  the 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  45 

attitude  of  a  stage-dancer,  whistling  and  humming  by 
turns,  and  indulging  in  various  other  wild  antics. 

"  And  now,  gents,  to  do  a  bit  of  business — when  am  I 
to  begin  scattering  the  shiners,  eh  V  he  inquired,  inter- 
rupting an  earnest,  low-toned  conversation  between  the 
partners. 

"  Oh,  of  course  some  delay  is  unavoidable.  All  we 
have  done,  as  yet,  is  to  discover  that,  as  far  as  we  are 
advised,  and  can  judge,  you  are  the  right  owner ;  but 
very  extensive  operations  must  be  immediately  com- 
menced, before  you  can  be  put  in  possession.  There  are 
some  who  won't  be  persuaded  to  drop  £10,000  a-year 
out  of  their  hands  for  the  mere  asking." 

"  The  devil  there  are !  Who  are  they  that  want  to 
keep  me  any  longer  out  of  what's  my  own — what's  justly 
mine  1     Eh  1    I  want  to  know !     Haven't  they  kept  me 

out  long  enough  ! — d n'm  !  Put  'em  in  prison  directly 

— don't  spare  'em — rascals  !" 

"  They'll  probably  ere  long,  find  their  way  in  that  direc- 
tion— for,  however  he's  to  make  up,  poor  devil,  the  mesne 
profits" 

"  Mean  profits ! — is  that  all  you  call  them,  gents  ?  It's 
rogue's  money — villain's  profits!  So  don't  spare 'em — 
he's  robbed  the  fatherless,  which  I  am,  and  an  orphan  ! 

Keep  me  out  of  what's  mine,  indeed  !     D d  if  he  shall, 

though!" 

"My  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  Gammon  gravely,  "  we 
are  getting  on  too  fast — dreadfully  too  fast.  It  will  never 
do  :  matters  of  such  immense  importance  as  these  cannot 
be  hurried  on,  or  talked  of,  in  this  way." 

"  I  like  that,  sir  !— I  do,  d e  !" 

"  You  will,  really,  if  you  go  on  in  this  wild  way,  Mr. 
Titmouse,  make  us  regret  the  trouble  we  have  taken  in 
the  affair,  and  especially  the  promptness  with  which  we 
have  communicated  to  you  the  extent  of  your  good  for- 
tune." 

"  Beg  pardon,  I'm  sure,  gents,  but  mean  no  offence ; 
am  monstrous  obliged  to  you  for  what  you've  done  for 
me — but,  by  Jove,  it's  taken  me  rather  a-back,  I  own,  to 
hear  that  I'm  to  be  kept  so  long  out  of  it  all.  Why  can't 
you  offer  him,  whoever  he  is  that  has  my  property,  a 
handsome  sum  to  go  out  at  once?     Gents,  I'll  own  to 


TE>-  TEC  I  - 

I  m  mast  uncommon  low — never  so  low  in  my  life — 

d         d  low  :  .md  can":  g  Bine ! 

:  am  I  to  do  in  the  mean  \  -  ats," 

••  You  are  nfl  ted  just  now.  Mr.  Titmc 

Mr.  Quirk,  seriously  :  ••  suppose  we  now  break  up,  and 
resume  our  cc:  .  to-mor:  all  in 

and  calmer  trim  P 

■Mb   sir,  _  .:  I  think 

go  on  with  i:  pied  Titmouse,  impetu: 

:>op  to  go  back  to  that   : 
beastly  shop,  and  star.  . 

••  Oar  decided  opinion.  Mr.  Tirraous:  Mr.  Quirk, 
emphatically —  -  partners  getting  very  grave  in 
their  looks — ■  I  ur  opinion  is  worth  offering" 

■•  That  remains  to  be  s  said  Titmouse,  with  a  pet- 

i     shake  of  the  head. 

""W  as  it  is,  we  offer  it  you  :  and  it  is,  that  for 

many  reasons  you  continue,  for  a  li::  longer,  in 

your  present  situation.", 

•■  What :   own  Tagrag  for  my  master — and  I  m 
i  10.000  a-year  !*' 

; 

•■  D  j  jrou  think  you'd  have  told  me  what  you  have,  if 
you  weren't  sure  !  Xo,  no  :  you've  gone  too  far  !  I  shall 
burst.  I  snail :  Me  go  on  as  before  : — they  use  me  worse 
and  worse  every  da  u'H  excuse  me — I  hope 

you  will :  but  business  is  business,  gents — it  is,  and  if 
you  won't  do  mine,  I  must  look  out  for  them  that  will — 
'pon  my  soul,  I  must,  and" — If  Mr.  Titmouse  could  have 
seen,  or  having  seen,  appreciated,  the  looks  which  the 
;  interchanged,  on  g       is  absurd,  un- 

grateful, and  insolent  speech  of  his — the  expression  that 
flirted  across  their  shrewd  faces :  that  was.  intense  con- 
tempt for  him,  hardly  overmastered  and  concealed  by  a 
vivid  perception  of  their  own   interests, 
course,  to  manage,  to  soothe,  to  conciliate  him  ■ 

How  the  reptile  propensities  of  his  mean  nature  had 
b  the  sudden  sunshine  of  unexpected  pros- 
perity ! — See  already  his  selfishness,  truculence,  rapacity, 
in  full  play : 

u  So.  gents,"  said  he,  after  a  long  and  keen  expostula- 
tion with  them  on  the  same  subject,  ■  I'm  to  go  to-morrow 


ten  thc;~;anl»  a-year.  47 

morning  to  Dowlas  and  Co. Vs.  and  to  go  on  v,  !*h  the 
caned  !ife  I  led  there  to-day,  all  as  if  nothing  had  hap- 
pened !"' 

41  In  your  present  humour,  Mr.  Titmouse,  it  would  be 
in  vain  to  discuss  the  matter."*  .said  Mr.  Quirk.  "Again 
I  tell  you  that  the  com  ,-.  e  recon.r 

our  opinion,  the  proper  one  ;  excuse  me  if  I  aid.  what 
can  you  do  but  adopt  our  advice 

"  Why,  hang  me,  if  I  won't  employ  .somebody  else — 
that's  flat!  So,  good  night,  gents  ;  you'll  find  that  Tittle- 
bat Titmouse  isn't  to  be  trifled  with  :"  .So  laying,  Mr. 
Titmouse  clapped  his  hat  on  his  head,  bounced  out  of  the 
room,  and,  no  attempt  being  made  to  stop  him,  he  was  in 
the  street  in  a  twins 

"  Did  you  ever  see  such  a  imed  Mr. 

Gammon  with  an  air  of  disgust. 

"  Beggar  on  horseback  :"  exclaimed  .Snap. 

u  It  won't  do,  however,91  said  Mr.  Quirk,  with  as  cha- 
grined an  air  as  his  partners,  "  for  him  to  go  at  larg 
his  present  frame  of  mind — be  may  ruin  the  r.  Sing  aKo- 
er™ 

"  As  good  as  £500  a-year  out  of  the  way 
said  Snap. 

'■  Egad,  that  at  least,''  said  Mr.  Gammon,  seizing  his 
hat,  "I'll  after  hirn,  and  bring  him  back  at  all  hazards; 
and  we  must  really  try  and  do  some:   .  ig  : '..  him  in  the 
meanwhile,  to  keep  hirn  quiet  thl  the  thing's 
little  into  train."     So  out  -.vent  after  Titmouse,  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, from  whose  lips  dropped  persuasion  sweeter  than 
honey  ;  and  I  should  not   be  surprised  if  he  were  I 
able  to  bring  back  that  stubborn  piece  of  conceite  I 
pidity. 

As  soon  as  Mr.  Titmouse  heard  the  sfl  I  sent 

after  him  with  a  kind  of  bang,  he  snapped  his  ft 
once  or  twice,  by  way  of  letting  off  a  little  of  the  inflam- 
mable air  that  was  in  hirn,  and  muttered,  "Pretty  chaps 
those,  upon  my  word  I  I'll  expose  them  all  !  I'll  apply 
to  the  Lord  Mayor — they're  a  pack  of  swindlers  they 
are  !  This  is  the  way  they  treat  me,  who've  got  a  title 
to  £10,000  a-year!  To  be  surev— He  stood  still  for  a 
moment,  and  another  moment,  and  dismay  came  quickly 
over  hirn:  for  it  suddenly  occurred  to  him  what  he'd  had 


48  TEN  THOUSAND  AiYEAR. 

he  got  on  Messrs  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap? — what 
could  he  do  ? — what  had  he  done  1 

Ah — the  golden  vision  of  the  last  few  hours  was  fading 
away  momentarily,  like  a  dream !  Each  second  of  his 
deep  and  rapid  reflection,  rendered  more  impetuous  his 
desire  and  determination  to  return  and  make  his  peace 
with  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap.  By  submission 
for  the  present  he  could  get  the  whip-hand  of  them  here- 
after! He  was  in  the  act  of  turning  round  towards  the 
office,  when  Mr.  Gammon  softly  laid  his  hand  upon  the 
shoulder  of  his  repentant  client. 

M  Mr.  Titmouse ;  my  dear  sir,  what  is  the  matter  with 
you?     How  could  we  so  misunderstand  each  other'?" 

Titmouse's  small  cunning  was  on  the  qui  vive,  and  he 
saw  and  followed  up  his  advantage.  "  I  am  going,"  said 
he,  in  a  resolute  tone,  "  to  speak  to  some  one  else,  in  the 
morning." 

"  That,  of  course,  signifies  nothing  to  any  one  but  your- 
self. You  will  take  any  steps,  my  dear  sir,  that  occur  to 
you,  and  act  as  you  may  be  advised." 

"  Monstrous  kind  of  you  to  come  and  give  me  such 
good  advice  T'  exclaimed  Titmouse,  with  a  sneer. 

"  Oh,  don't  mention  it,"  said  Gammon,  coolly ;  "  I  came 
out  of  pure  good  nature,  to  assure  you  that  our  office, 
notwithstanding  what  has  passed,  entertains  not  the 
slightest  personal  ill-feeling  towards  yon,  in  thus  throw- 
ing off  their  hands  a  very  long,  and  dreadfully  harassing 
affair." 

"  Hem  !"  exclaimed  Titmouse,  once  or  twice. 

"  So  good-night,  Mr.  Titmouse — good-night!  God  bless 
you  !"  Mr.  Gammon  in  the  act  of  returning  to  his  door, 
extended  his  hand  to  Mr.  Tittlebat,  who  he  instantly  per- 
ceived was  melting  rapidly. 

11  Why,  sir — if  I  thought  you  all  meant  the  correct 
thing — hem  !  I  say,  the  correct  thing  by  me — I  shouldn't 
so  much  mind  a  little  disappointment  for  the  time ;  but 
you  must  own,  Mr.  Gammon,  it  is  very  hard  being  kept 
out  of  one's  own  so  long." 

"  True,  very  true,  Mr.  Titmouse.  Very  hard  it  is,  in- 
deed to  bear,  and  we  all  felt  deeply  for  you,  and  would 
have  set  every  thing  in  train " 

"  Would  have " 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  49 

0 

44  Yes,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,  we  would  have  done  it, 
and  brought  you  through  every  difficulty — over  every  ob- 
stacle." 

"  Why  —  you  don't  —  hardly  —  quite —  mean  to  say 
you've  given  it  all  up ! — What,  already  !"  exclaimed  Tit- 
mouse, in  evident  alarm. 

Gammon  had  triumphed  over  Titmouse !  whom,  no- 
thing loth,  he  brought  back,  in  two  minutes'  time,  into  the 
room  which  Titmouse  had  just  before  so  rudely  quitted. 
Mr.  Q,uirk  and  Mr.  Snap  had  their  parts  yet  to  perform. 
They  were  in  the  act  of  locking  up  desks  and  drawers, 
evidently  on  the  move ;  and  received  Mr.  Titmouse  with 
an  air  of  cold  surprise. 

"  Mr.  Titmouse  again  !"  exclaimed  Mr.  Quirk,  taking 
his  gloves  out  of  his  hat.  "  Back  again  ! — an  unexpected 
honour."  "  Leave  any  thing  behind  1"  inquired  Mr.  Snap 
— "  don't  see  any  thing." 

44  Oh  no,  sir!  no  sir  !  This  gentleman,  Mr.  Gammon, 
and  I,  have  made  it  all  up,  gents  !  I'm  not  vexed  any  more 
not  the  least." 

"  Vexed,  Mr.  Titmouse  !"  echoed  Mr.  Q,uirk,  with  an 
air  sternly  ironical.  "  We  are  under  great  obligations  to 
you  for  your  forbearance  !" 

44  Oh,  come,  gents!"  said  Titmouse,  more  and  more 
disturbed,  "  I  was  too  warm,  I  dare  say, — and  I  ask  your 
pardon,  all  of  you,  gents !  I  won't  say  another  word,  if 
you'll  but  buckle  to  business  again — quite  exactly  in  your 
own  way — because  you,  see " 

"  It's  growing  very  late,"  said  Mr.  Quirk,  coldly,  and 
looking  at  his  watch ;  "  however,  after  what  you  have 
said,  probably  at  some  future  time,  when  we've  leisure  to 
look  into  the  thing " 

Poor  Titmouse  was  ready  to  drop  on  his  knees,  in 
mingled  agony  and  fright. 

"  May  I  be  allowed  to  say,"  interposed  the  bland  voice 
of  Mr.  Gammon,  addressing  himself  to  Mr.  Quirk,  "  that 
Mr.  Titmouse  a  few  minutes  ago  assured  me,  outside 
there,  that  if  you  could  only  be  persuaded  to  let  our  house 
take  up  his  case  again " 

44 1  did— I  did  indeed,  gents  !  so  help  me !"  inter- 
rupted Mr.  Titmouse,  eagerly  backing  with  an  oath  the 
ready  lie  of  Mr.  Gammon. 

vol.  i.  5 


50  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Mr.  Quirk  drew  his  hand  across  his  chin,  musingly, 
and  stood  silently  for  a  few  moments,  evidently  irresolute. 

■'  Well,"  said  he  at  length,  but  in  a  very  cool  way, 
"  since  that  is  so,  probably  we  may  be  induced  to  resume 
our  heavy  labours  in  your  behalf;  and  if  you  will  favour 
us  with  a  call  to-morrow  night,  at  the  same  hour,  we  may 
have,  by  that  time,  made  up  our  minds  as  to  the  course 
we  shall  think  fit  to  adopt." 

"  Lord,  sir,  I'll  be  here  as  the  clock  strikes,  and  as  meek 
as  a  mouse  ;  and  pray,  have  it  all  in  your  own  way  for 
the  future,  gents — do!" 

"  Good  night,  sir — good-night !"  exclaimed  the  part- 
ners, motioning  towards  the  door. 

"  Good-night,  gents  !"  said  Titmouse,  bowing  very  low, 
and  feeling  himself  at  the  same  time  being  bowed  out ! 
As  he  passed  out  of  the  room,  he  cast  a  lingering  look  in 
their  three  frigid  faces,  as  if  they  were  angels  sternly 
shutting  him  out  from  Paradise.  What  misery  was  his, 
as  he  walked  slowly  homeward,  with  much  the  same  feel- 
ings (now  that  the  fumes  of  the  brandy  had  evaporated, 
and  the  reaction  of  excitement  was  coming  on,  aggra- 
vated by  a  recollection  of  the  desperate  check  he  had  re- 
ceived) as  a  sick  and  troubled  man,  who,  suddenly  roused 
out  of  a  delicious  dream,  drops  into  wretched  reality,  as 
it  were  out  of  a  fairy-land,  which  with  all  its  dear  innu- 
merable delights  is  melting  overhead  into  thin  air — dis- 
appearing for  ever. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  51 


CHAPTER  II. 

Closet  Court  had  never  looked  so  odious  to  Titmouse 
as  it  did  when,  harassed  and  depressed  as  I  have  described 
him,  he  approached  it  about  one  o'clock,  A.  M.  He  flung 
himself  on  his  bed  for  a  moment  directly  he  had  shut  his 
door,  intending  presently  to  rise  and  undress  ;  but  sleep 
having  got  him  prostrate  secured  her  victory.  She  waved 
her  black  wand  over  him,  and  he  woke  not  till  eight 
o'clock  in  the  morning.  A  second  long-drawn  sigh  was  pre- 
paring to  follow  its  predecessor,  when  he  heard  it  strike 
eight,  and  sprung  off  the  bed  in  a  fright ;  for  he  ought  to 
have  been  at  the  shop  an  hour  ago.  Dashing  a  little  water 
into  his  face,  and  scarce  staying  to  wipe  it  off,  he  ran 
down  stairs,  through  the  court,  and  along  the  street,  never 
stopping  till  he  had  found  his  way  into — almost  the  very 
arms  of  the  dreaded  Mr.  Tagrag ;  who,  rarely  making 
his  appearance  till  about  half-past  nine,  had,  as  the  mis- 
chief would  have  it,  happened  to  come  down  an  hour  and 
a  half  earlier  than  usual,  on  the  only  morning  out  of 
several  hundreds  on  which  Titmouse  had  been  more  than 
ten  minutes  beyond  his  time. 

"Yours  very  respectfully,  Mr.  Titmouse  —  Thomas 
Tagrag  1"  exclaimed  that  personage  with  mock  solem- 
nity, bowing  formally  to  his  astounded  and  breathless 
shopman. 

"  I— I — beg  your  pardon,  sir  ;  but  I  wasn't  very  well, 
and  overslept  myself,"  stammered  Titmouse. 

"  Ne-ver  mind,  Mr.  Titmouse,  ne-ver  mind — it  don't 
much  signify,"  interrupted  Mr.  Tagrag,  bitterly;  "you've 
just  got  an  hour  and  a  half  to  take  this  piece  of  silk,  with 
my  compliments,  to  Messrs.  Shuttle  and  Weaver,  in  Dirt 
Street,  Spitalfields,  and  ask  them  if  they  ar'n't  ashamed 
to  send  it  to  a  West-End  house  like  mine,  and  bring  back 
a  better  piece  instead  of  it !" 

"  Very  well,  sir — but — before  my  breakfast,  sir1?" 


52  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Did  I  say  a  word  about  breakfast,  sir  1  You  heard 
my  orders,  sir ;  you  can  attend  to  them  or  not,  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse, as  you  please !" 

Off  trotted  Titmouse  instanler,  without  his  breakfast ; 
and  so  Tagrag  gained  one  object  he  had  in  view.  Tit- 
mouse found  this  rather  trying :  a  five-mile  walk  before 
him,  with  no  inconsiderable  load  under  his  arm,  having 
had  nothing  to  eat  since  the  preceding  evening,  when  he 
had  partaken  of  a  delicate  repast  of  thick  slices  of  bread, 
smeared  slightly  over  with  salt  butter,  and  moistened 
with  a  most  astringent  decoction  of  tea-leaves,  sweetened 
with  brown  sugar,  and  discoloured  with  sky-blue  milk. 
He  had  not  even  a  farthing  about  him  wherewith  to  buy 
a  penny  roll !  As  he  went  disconsolately  along,  so  many 
doubts  and  fears  buzzed  impetuously  about  him,  that  they 
completely  darkened  his  little  soul,  and  bewildered  his 
small  understanding.  Ten  thousand  a-year  J  —  it  was 
never  meant  for  the  like  of  him.  He  soon  worked  him- 
self into  a  conviction  that  the  whole  thing  was  infinitely 
too  good  to  be  true  ;  the  affair  was  desperate ;  it  had  been 
all  moonshine;  for  some  cunning  purpose  or  another, 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  had  been — ah,  here 
he  was  within  a  few  yards  of  their  residence,  the  scene 
of  last  night's  tragic  transactions  !  As  he  passed  Saffron 
Hill,  he  paused,  looked  up  towards  the  blessed  abode — 

"Where  centred  all  his  hopes  and  fears," 

uttered  a  profound  sigh,  and  passed  slowly  on  towards 
Smithfield.  The  words  "  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap" 
seemed  to  be  written  over  every  shop-window  which  he 
passed — their  images  filled  his  mind's  eye.  What  could 
they  be  at  ?  They  had  been  all  very  polite  and  friendly — 
and  of  their  own  seeking:  had  he  affronted  them?  How 
coldly  and  proudly  they  had  parted  with  him  over-night ! 
It  was  evident  that  they  could  stand  no  nonsense — they 
were  great  lawyers ;  so  he  must  (if  they  really  would 
allow  him  to  see  them  again)  eat  humble  pie  cheerfully 
till  he  had  got  all  that  they  had  to  give  him.  How  he 
dreaded  the  coming  night !  Perhaps  they  intended  civilly 
to  tell  him  that  they  would  have  nothing  more  to  do  with 
him  ;;— they  would  get  the  estate  for  themselves,  or  some 
one  else  that  would  be  more    manageable  !     They  had 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  53 

taken  care  to  tell  him  nothing  at  all  about  the  nature  of 
his  pretensions  to  this  grand  fortune.  Oh,  how  crafty 
they  were — they  had  it  all  their  own  way  ! — But  what, 
after  all,  had  he  really  done?  The  estates  were  his,  if 
they  were  really  in  earnest — his,  and  no  one's  else ;  and 
why  should  he  be  kept  out  of  them  at  their  will  and  plea- 
sure 1  Suppose  he  were  to  say  he  would  give  them  all 
he  was  entitled  to  for  £20,000  down,  in  cash  I  Oh  no ; 
on  second  thoughts,  that  would  be  only  two  years'  in- 
come !  But  on  the  other  hand — he  dared  hardly  even  to 
propose  it  to  his  thoughts — still,  suppose  it  should  really 
turn  out  true  !  Goodness  gracious  ! — that  day  two  months 
he  might  be  riding  about  in  his  carriage  in  the  Parks,  and 
poor  devils  looking  on  at  him,  as  he  now  looked  on  all 
those  who  now  rode.  There  he  would  be,  holding  up 
his  head  with  the  best  of  them,  instead  of  slaving  about 
as  he  was  that  moment,  carrying  about  that  cursed 
bundle — ough  !  how  he  shrunk  as  he  changed  its  position, 
to  relieve  his  aching  right  arm  !  Why  was  his  mouth  to 
be  stopped — why  might  he  not  tell  his  shopmates  !  What 
would  he  not  give  for  the  luxury  of  telling  it  to  the  odious 
Tagrag  ?  If  he  were  to  do  so,  Mr.  Tagrag,  he  was  sure, 
would  ask  him  to  dinner  the  very  next  Sunday,  at  his 
country  house  at  Clapham.  Thoughts  such  as  these  so 
occupied  his  mind,  that  he  did  not  for  a  long  while  ob- 
serve that  he  was*walking  at  a  rapid  rate  towards  the 
Mile-end  road,  having  left  Whitechapel  church  nearly  half 
a  mile  behind  him  !  The  possible  master  of  £10,000 
a-year  felt  fit  to  drop  with  fatigue,  and  sudden  apprehen- 
sion of  the  storm  he  should  have  to  encounter  when  he 
first  saw  Mr.  Tagrag  after  so  long  an  absence.  He  was 
detained  for  a  cruel  length  of  time  at  Messrs.  Shuttle  and 
Weaver's,  who  not  having  the  required  quantity  of  silk  at 
that  moment  on  their  premises,  had  some  difficulty  in 
obtaining  it,  after  having  sent  for  it  to  one  or  two  neigh- 
bouring manufactories  ;  by  which  means  it  came  to  pass 
that  it  was  two  o'clock  before  Titmouse,  completely  ex- 
hausted and  dispirited,  and  reeking  with  perspiration,  had 
reached  Dowlas  and  Company's.  The  gentlemen  of  the 
shop  had  finished  their  dinners. 

"Go  up  stairs  and  get  your  dinner,  sir!"  exclaimed 
5* 


54  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Tagrag  impetuously,  after  having  received  Messrs.  Shut- 
tle and  Weaver's  message. 

Titmouse  went  up  stairs  hungry  enough,  and  found 
himself  the  sole  occupant  of  the  long  close-smelling  room 
in  which  his  companions  had  been  dining.  His  dinner 
was  presently  brought  to  him  by  a  slatternly  servant-girl. 
It  was  in  an  uncovered  basin,  which  appeared  to  contain 
nothing  but  the  leavings  of  his  companions — a  savoury 
intermixture  of  cold  potatoes,  broken  meat,  (chiefly  bits 
of  fat  and  gristle,)  a  little  hot  water  having  been  thrown 
over  it  to  make  it  appear  warm  and  fresh — (faugh  !)  His 
plate  (with  a  small  pinch  of  salt  upon  it)  had  not  been 
cleaned  after  its  recent  use,  but  evidently  only  hastily 
smeared  over  with  a  greasy  towel,  as  also  seemed  his 
knife  and  fork,  which,  in  their  disgusting  state,  he  was 
fain  to  put  up  with,  the  table  cloth  on  which  he  might 
have  wiped  them  having  been  removed.  A  hunch  of 
bread  that  seemed  to  have  been  tossing  about  in  the  pan 
for  days,  and  half-a-pint  of  flat-looking  and  sour-smelling 
table-beer,  completed  the  fare  set  before  him ;  opposite 
which  he  sate  for  some  minutes,  too  much  occupied  with 
his  reflections  to  commence  his  repast.  He  was  in  the 
act  of  scooping  out  of  the  basin  some  of  its  inviting  con- 
tents, when — "  Titmouse  !"  exclaimed  the  voice  of  one  of 
his  shopmates,  peering  in  at  him  through  the  half-open 
door,  "  Mr.  Tagrag  wants  you !  He  says  you've  had 
plenty  of  time  to  finish  your  dinner!" 

"  Oh,  tell  him,  then,  I'm  only  just  beginning  my  dinner — 
eugh  !  such  as,  it  is,"  replied  Titmouse,  masticating  the 
first  mouthful  with  an  appearance  of  no  particular  relish, 
— for  to  the  like  of  it  he  had  never  before  sate  down  since 
he  had  been  in  the  honoured  house  he  was  then  serving. 

In  a  few  minutes'  time  Mr.  Tagrag  himself  entered  the 
room,  stuttering — "  How  much  longer,  sir,  is  it  your 
pleasure  to  spend  over  your  dinner,  eh  1" 

"  Not  another  moment,  sir,"  answered  Titmouse,  look- 
ing with  ill-concealed  disgust  at  the  savoury  victuals  be- 
fore him ;  "  if  you'll  only  allow  me  a  few  minutes  to  go 
home  and  buy  a  penny  roll  instead  of  all  this" 

"  Ve — ry  good,  sir  !  Ve — ry  parti — cu — larly  good, 
Mr.  Titmouse,"    replied  Tagrag,  with  ill-subdued  fury; 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  55 

44  any  thing  else  that  I  can  make  a  leetle  memorandum  of 
against  the  day  of  your  leaving  us?" 

This  hint  of  two-fold  terror,  i.  e.  of  withholding  the 
wretched  balance  of  salary  that  might  be  due  to  him,  on 
the  ground  of  misconduct,  and  of  also  giving  him  a  damn- 
ing character,  dispelled  the  small  remains  of  Titmouse's 
appetite,  and  he  rose  to  return  to  the  shop,  involuntarily 
clutching  his  fist  as  he  brushed  close  past  the  tyrant  Tag- 
rag  on  the  stairs,  whom  he  would  have  been  delighted  to 
pitch  down  head-foremost ;  and  if  he  had  done  so,  none 
of  his  fellow-slaves  below,  in  spite  of  their  present  syco- 
phancy towards  Tagrag,  would  have  shown  any  particular 
alacrity  in  picking  up  their  common  oppressor.  Poor 
Tittlebat  resumed  his  old  situation  behind  the  counter ; 
but  how  different  his  present  from  his  former  air  and 
manner  !  With  his  pen  occasionally  peeping  pertly  out  of 
his  busy  hair  over  his  right  ear,  and  his  yard  measure  in 
his  hand,  no  one,  till  Monday  morning,  had  been  more 
cheerful,  smirking,  and  nimble,  than  Tittlebat  Titmouse : 
Alas,  how  crestfallen  now  !  None  of  his  companions 
could  make  him  out,  or  guess  what  was 'in  the  wind  ;  so 
they  very  justly  concluded  that  he  had  been  doing  some- 
thing dreadfully  disgraceful,  the  extent  of  which  was 
known  to  Tagrag  and  himself  alone.  Their  jeers  and 
banters  were  giving  place  to  cold  distrustful  looks,  that 
were  much  more  trying  to  bear.  How  he  longed  to  be 
able  to  burst  upon  their  astounded  minds  with  the  pent- 
up  intelligence  that  was  silently  racking  and  splitting  his 
little  bosom  !  But  if  he  did — the  terrible  firm  of  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap — oh  !  the  very  thought  of  them  glued 
his  lips  together.  But  then  there  was  one  whom  he  might 
surely  make  a  confidant — the  excellent  Huckaback,  with 
whom  he  had  had  no  opportunity  of  communicating  since 
Sunday  night.  That  gentleman  was  as  close  a  prisoner 
at  the  establishment  of  Diaper  and  Sarsenet,  in  Totten- 
ham-court Road,  as  Titmouse  at  Messrs.  Dowlas's,  of 
which  said  establishment  he  was  as  great  an  ornament 
as  Titmouse  of  that  of  Messrs.  Dowlas.  They  were  about 
the  same  height,  and  equals  in  puppyism  of  manners, 
dress,  and  appearance ;  but  Titmouse  was  much  the  bet- 
ter looking.  With  equal  conceit  in  their  faces,  that  of 
Huckaback,  square,  and  flat,  and  sallow,  had  an  expres- 


56  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Hon  of  ineffable  impudence  that  made  a  lady  shudder,  and 
a  gentleman  feel  a  tingling  sensation  in  his  right  toe. 
About  his  small  black  eyes  there  was  a  glimmer  of  low 
cunning ; — but  I  have  not  patience  to  paint  the  fellow 
any  further.  When  Titmouse  left  the  shop  that  night,  a 
little  after  nine,  he  hurried  to  his  lodgings,  to  make  him- 
self as  imposing  in  his  appearance  before  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,  as  his  time  and  means  would  admit 
of.  Behold,  on  the  table  lay  a  letter  from  Huckaback. 
It  was  written  in  a  flourishing  mercantile  hand  ;  and  here 
is  a  copy  of  it : 

"  Dear  Tit, 

"  I  hope  you  are  well,  which  is  what  I  can  only 
middling  say  in  respect  of  me.  Such  a  row  with  my 
governors  as  I  have  had  to-day !  I  thought  that,  as  I  had 
been  in  the  House  near  upon  eighteen  months  at  L.  25 
per  annum,  I  might  naturally  ask  for  L.  30  a-year  (which 
is  what  my  Predecessor  had,)  when,  would  you  believe 
it,  Mr.  Sharpeye  (who  is  going  to  be  taken  in  as  a  Part- 
ner,) to  whom  I  named  the  thing,  ris  up  in  rage  against 
me,  and  I  were  had  up  into  the  counting-house,  where 
both  the  governors  was,  and  they  gave  it  me  in  such  a 
way  that  you  never  saw  nor  heard  of;  but  it  wasn't  all 
on  their  own  side,  as  you  know  me  too  well  to  think  of. 
You  would  have  thought  I  had  been  a  going  to  rob  the 
house.  They  said  I  was  most  audacious,  and  all  that, 
and  ungrateful,  and  what  would  I  have  next  ?  Mr.  Diaper 
said  times  was  come  to  such  a  pitch  ! !  since  he  was  first 
in  the  business,  for  salaries  is  risen  to  double,  and  not 
half  the  work  done  that  was,  and  no  gratitude — (cursed 
old  curmudgeon  !)  He  said  if  I  left  them  just  now,  I 
might  whistle  for  a  character,  except  what  I  would  not 
like ;  but  if  he  don't  mind  I'll  give  him  a  trick  of  law  about 
that — which  brings  me  to  what  happened  to-day  with  our 
lawyers,  the  people  at  Saffron  Hill,  whom  I  thought  I 
would  call  in  on  to-day,  being  near  the  neighbourhood  with 
some  light  goods,  to  see  how  affairs  was  getting  on,  and  stir 
them  up  a  bit" — [this  almost  took  Titmouse's  breath  away] 
— "  feeling  most  interested  on  your  account,  as  you  know, 
dear  Tit,  I  do.     I  said  I  wanted  to  speak  to  one  of  the 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  57 

gentlemen  on  business  of  importance ;  whereat  I  was 
quickly  shown  into  a  room  where  two  gents  was  sitting. 
Having  put  down  my  parcel  for  a  minute  on  the  table,  I 
said  I  was  a  very  intimate  friend  of  yours,  and  had  called 
in  to  see  how  things  went  on  about  the  advertisement ; 
whereat  you  never  saw  in  your  life  how  struck  they  looked, 
and  stared  at  one  another  in  speechless  silence,  till  they 
said  to  me,  what  concerned  me  about  the  business  1  or 
something  of  that  nature,  but  in  such  a  way  that  ris  a 
rage  in  me  directly,  all  for  your  sake  (for  I  did  not  like 
the  looks  of  things) ;  and  says  I,  I  said,  we  would  let  them 
know  we  were  not  to  be  gammoned  ;  whereat  up  rose 
the  youngest  of  the  two,  and  ringing  the  bell,  he  says  to 
a  tight-laced  young  gentleman  with  a  pen  behind  his  ear, 
1  Show  him  to  the  door,'  which  I  was  at  once  ;  but,  in  doing 
so,  let  out  a  little  of  my  mind  to  them.  They're  no  better 
than  they  should  be,  you  see  if  they  are  ;  but  when  we 
Trick  the  property,  we'll  show  them  who  is  their  masters, 
which  consoles  me.  Good-bye,  keep  your  spirits  up,  and 
I  will  call  and  tell  you  more  about  it  on  Sunday.  So  fare- 
well (I  write  this  at  Mr.  Sharpeye's  desk,  who  is  coming 
down  fivom  dinner  directly).     Your  true  friend, 

11  R.  Huckaback. 

"  P.  S. — Met  a  young  Jew  last  night  with  a  lot  of 
prime  cigars,  and  (knowing  he  must  have  stole  them,  they 
looked  so  good  at  the  price)  I  bought  one  shilling's  worth 
for  me,  and  two  shillings  worth  for  you,  your  salary  being 
higher,  and  to  say  nothing  of  your  chances." 

All  that  part  of  the  foregoing  letter  which  related  to  its 
amiable  writer's  interview  with  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap,  Titmouse  read  in  a  kind  of  spasm — he  could 
not  draw  a  breath,  and  felt  a  choking  sensation  coming 
over  him.  After  a  while,  "  I  may  spare  myself,"  thought 
he,  "the  trouble  of  rigging  out — Huckaback  has  done  my 
business  for  me  with  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap 
— mine  will  only  be  a  walk  in  vain  !"  After  what  had 
occurred  last  night  between  him  and  them  !  ! — and  so 
urgently  as  he  had  been  enjoined  to  keep  the  matter  to 
himself !  Of  course  Huckaback  would  seem  to  have  been 
sent  by  him ;  seeing  he  appeared  to  have  assumed  the 
hectoring  tone  which  Titmouse  had  tried   so  vainly  over- 


58  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

night,  and  now  so  bitterly  repented  of,  and  he  had  no 
doubt  grossly  insulted  the  arbiters  of  Titmouse's  destiny, 
(for  he  knew  Huckaback's  impudence,) — he  had  even 
said  that  he  (Titmouse)  would  not  be  gammoned  by  them. 
But  time  was  pressing :  with  a  beating  heart  he  scrambled 
into  a  change  of  clothes — bottling  up  his  wrath  against 
the  unconscious  Huckaback  till  he  should  see  that  worthy. 
In  a  miserable  state  of  mind  he  set  off  soon  after  for  Saf- 
fron Hill  at  a  quick  pace,  which  soon  became  a  trot,  and 
often  sharpened  into  a  downright  run.  He  saw,  heard, 
and  thought  of  nothing,  as  he  hurried  along  Oxford  Street 
and  Holborn,  but  Q,uirk,  Gammon,  Snap,  and  Huckaback, 
and  the  reception  which  the  latter  had  secured  for  him — 
if,  indeed,  he  was  to  be  received  at  all.  The  magical 
words,  Ten  Thousand  a-Year,  had  not  disappeared  from 
the  field  of  his  troubled  vision  ;  but  how  faintly  and  dimly 
they  shone  ! — like  the  Pleiades  coldly  glistening  through 
intervening  mists  far  off — oh  !  at  what  a  stupendous,  im- 
measurable, and  hopeless  distance  !  Imagine  those  stars 
gazed  at  by  the  anguished  and  despairing  eyes  of  the  be- 
reaved lover,  madly  believing  one  of  them  to  contain  her 
who  has  just  departed  from  his  arms,  and  from  this  world, 
and  you  may  form  a  notion  of  the  agonizing  feelings — the 
absorbed  contemplation  of  one  dear,  dazzling,  but  distant 
object,  experienced  on  this  occasion  by  Mr.  Titmouse. 
No,  no;  I  don't  mean  seriously  to  pretend  that  so  grand  a 
thought  as  this  could  be  entertained  by  his  little  optics  in- 
tellectual; you  might  as  well  suppose  the  tiny  eye  of  a 
black  beetle  to  be  scanning  the  vague,  fanciful,  and  mys- 
terious figure  and  proportions  of  Orion,  or  a  chinlpanzee 
to  be  perusing  and  pondering  over  the  immortal  Principia. 
I  repeat,  that  I  have  no  desire  of  the  sort,  and  am  deter- 
mined not  again  foolishly  to  attempt  fine  writing,  which  I 
now  perceive  to  be  entirely  out  of  my  line.  In  language 
more  befitting  me  and  my  subject,  I  may  be  allowed  to 
say  that  there  is  no  getting  a  quart  into  a  pint  pot;  that 
Titmouse's  mind  was  a  half-pint — and  it  was  brimful.  All 
the  while  that  I  have  been  going  on  thus,  however,  Tit- 
mouse was  hurrying  down  Holborn  at  a  rattling  rate. 
When  at  length  he  had  reached  Saffron  Hill,  he  was  in  a 
bath  of  perspiration.  His  face  was  quite  red  ;  he  breathed 
hard ;  his  heart  beat  violently ;  he  had  got  a  stitch  in  his 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  59 

side;  and  he  could  not  get  his  gloves  on  his  hot  and 
swollen  hands.  He  stood  for  a  moment  with  his  hat  off, 
wiping  his  reeking  forehead,  and  endeavouring  to  recover 
himself  a  little,  before  entering  the  dreaded  presence  to 
which  he  had  been  hastening.  He  even  fancied  for  a 
moment,  that  his  eyes  gave  out  sparks  of  light !  While 
thus  pausing,  St.  Andrew's  Church  struck  ten,  half  elec- 
trifying Titmouse,  who  bolted  up  the  hill,  and  was  soon 
standing  opposite  the  door.  How  the  sight  of  it  smote 
him,  as  it  reminded  him  of  the  way  in  which,  on  the  pre- 
ceding night,  he  had  bounded  out  of  it !  But  that  could 
not  now  be  helped  ;  so  ring  went  the  bell,  as  softly,  how- 
ever, as  he  could ;  for  he  recollected  that  it  was  a  very 
loud  bell,  and  he  did  not  wish  to  offend.  He  waited  some 
time,  and  nobody  answered.  He  waited  for  nearly  two 
minutes,  and  trembled,  assailed  by  a  thousand  vague 
fears.  He  might  not,  however,  have  rung  loud  enough — 
so — again,  a  little  louder,  did  he  venture  to  ring.  Again 
he  waited.  There  seemed  something  threatening  in  the 
great  brass  plate  on  the  door,  out  of  which  "  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,"  appeared  to  look  at  him  ominously. 
While  he  thought  of  it,  by  the  way,  there  was  something 
very  serious  and  stern  in  all  their  faces — he  wondered 
that  he  had  not  noticed  it  before.  What  a  drunken  beast 
he  had  been  to  go  on  in  their  presence  as  he  had ! — 
thought  he;  then  Huckaback's  image  flitted  across  his 
disturbed  fancy.  "  Ah  !"  thought  he,  "  that's  the  thing ! 
That's  it,  depend  upon  it ;  this  door  will  never  be  opened 
to  me  again — he's  done  for  me  !"  He  breathed  faster, 
clenched  his  fist,  and  involuntarily  raised  it  in  a  menacing 
,  way,  when  he  heard  himself  addressed — "Oh!  dear  me, 
sir,  I  hope  I  haven't  kept  you  waiting,"  said  the  old  wo- 
man whom  he  had  before  seen,  fumbling  in  her  pocket  for 
the  door-key.  She  had  been  evidently  out  shopping, 
having  a  plate  in  her  left-hand,  over  which  her  apron  was 
thrown.     "Hope  you've  not  been  ringing  long,  sir?" 

"  Oh,  dear  !  no,  ma'am,"  replied  Titmouse  with  anxious 
civility,  and  a  truly  miserable  smile — ••  Afraid  I  may  have 
kept  them  waiting,"  he  added,  almost  dreading  to  hear 
the  answer. 

"  Oh  no,  sir,  not  at  all — they've  all  been  gone  since  a 
little  after  nine  ;  but  there's  a  letter  I  was  to  give  you  !" 


60  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

She  opened  the  door;  Titmouse  nearly  dropping.  "I'll 
get  it  for  you,  sir — let  me  see*,  where  did  I  put  it ! — Oh, 
in  the  clerk's  room,  I  think."  Titmouse  followed  her  in. 
"Dear  me — where  can  it  be?"  she  continued,  peering 
about,  and  then  snuffing  the  long  wick  of  the  candle 
which  she  had  left  burning  for  the  last  quarter  of  an  hour, 
during  her  absence.  "  I  hope  none  of  the  clerks  has  put  it 
away  in  mistake !     Well,  it  isn't  here,  any  how." 

"  Perhaps,  ma'am,  it's  in  their  own  room" — suggested 
Titmouse,  in  a  faint  tone. 

"  Oh,  p'rhaps  it  is  !"  she  replied.  "  We'll  go  and  see" — 
and  she  led  the  way,  followed  closely  by  Titmouse,  who 
caught  his  breath  as  he  passed  the  green-baize  door. 
Yes,  there  was  the  room — the  scene  of  last  night  was 
transacted  there,  and  came  crowding  over  his  recollec- 
tion ; — there  was  the  green-shaded  candlestick — the  table 
covered  with  papers — an  arm-chair  near  it,  in  which,  pro- 
bably, Mr.  Q,uirk  had  been  sitting  only  an  hour  before,  to 
write  the  letter  they  were  now  in  quest  of,  and  which 
might  be  to  forbid  him  their  presence  for  ever !  How 
dreary  and  deserted  the  room  looked,  thought  he,  as  he 
peered  about  it  in  search  of  the  dreaded  letter! 

"  Oh,  here  it  is  1 — well,  I  never  ! — who  could  have  put 
it  here,  now !  I'm  sure  I  didn't.  Let  me  see — it  was,  no 
doubt,"  said  the  old  woman,  holding  the  letter  in  one 
hand,  and  putting  the  other  to  her  head 

"  Never  mind,  ma'am,"  said  Titmouse,  stretching  his 
hand  towards  her, — "  now  we've  got  it,  it  don't  much  sig- 
nify." She  gave  it  to  him.  "  Seem  particularly  anxious 
for  me  to  get  it — did  they?"  he  inquired,  with  a  strong 
effort  to  appear  unconcerned — the  dreaded  letter  quite 
quivering  in  his  fingers. 

"  No,  sir — Mr.  Quirk  only  said  I  was  to  give  it  you 
when  you  called.  B'lieve  they  sent  it  to  you,  but  the 
clerk  said  he  couldn't  find  your  place  out ;  by  the  way, 
(excuse  me,  sir,)  but  your's  is  a  funny  name !  How  I 
heard  'em  laughing  at  it,  to  be  sure  !  What  makes  people 
give  such  queer  names  3  Would  you  like  to  read  it  here, 
sir  1 — you're  welcome." 

"  No,  thank  you,  madam — it's  not  of  the  least  conse- 
quence," he  replied,  with  a  desperate  air  ;  and  tossing  it 
with  attempted  carelessness  into  his  hat,  which  he  put  on 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  61 

his  head,  he  very  civilly  wished  her  good-night,  and  de- 
parted— very  nearly  inclined  to  sickness  or  faintness,  or 
something  of  the  sort,  which  the  fresh  air  might  perhaps 
dispel.  He  quickly  espied  a  lamp  at  a  corner,  which 
promised  to  afford  him  an  uninterrupted  opportunity  of 
inspecting  his  letter.  He  took  it  out  of  his  hat.  It  was 
addressed — simply,  •«  Mr.  Titmouse,  Cocking  Court, 
Oxford  Street,"  (which  accounted,  perhaps,  for  the  clerk's 
having  been  unable  to  find  it ;)  and  having  been  opened 
with  trembling  eagerness,  thus  it  read : — 

"  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon  and  Snap  present  their  com- 
pliments to  Mr.  Titmouse,  and  are  anxious  to  save  him 
the  trouble  of  his  intended  visit  this  evening. 

"  They  exceedingly  regret  that  obstacles  (which  it  is  to 
be  hoped,  however,  may  not  prove  ultimately  insur- 
mountable) exist  in  their  way  of  prosecuting  their  in- 
tended inquiries  on  behalf  of  Mr.  Titmouse. 

"  Since  their  last  night's  interview  with  him,  circum- 
stances which  they  could  not  have  foreseen,  and  over 
which  they  have  no  control,  have  occurred,  which  render 
it  unnecessary  for  Mr.  T.  to  give  himself  any  more  anxiety 
in  the  affair — at  least,  not  until  he  shall  have  heard  from 
Messrs.  Q,.  G.  and  S. 

"  If  any  thing  of  importance  should  hereafter  transpire, 
it  is  not  improbable  that  Mr.  T.  may  hear  from  them. 

"  They  were  favoured,  this  afternoon,  with  a  visit  from 
Mr.  T.'s  friend — Mr.  Hucklebottom. 

"Saffron  Hill,  Wednesday  Everi'g,  12th  July,  1 83-." 

When  poor  Titmouse  had  finished  reading  over  this 
vague,  frigid,  and  disheartening  note  a  second  time,  a 
convulsive  sob  or  two  pierced  his  bosom,  indicative  of  its 
being  indeed  swollen  with  sorrow  ;  and  at  length,  over- 
come by  his  feelings,  he  cried  bitterly — not  checked  even 
by  the  occasional  exclamations  of  one  or  two  passers-by. 
He  could  not  at  all  control  himself.  He  felt  as  if  he  could 
have  almost  relieved  himself  by  banging  his  head  against 
the  wall !  A  tumultuous  feeling  of  mingled  grief  and 
despair  prevented  his  thoughts,  for  a  long  while,  from 
settling  on  any  one  idea  or  object.  At  length,  when  the 
violence  of  the  storm  had  somewhat  abated,  on  concluding 

vol  i.  6 


62  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

a  third  perusal  of  the  death-warrant  to  all  his  hopes,  which 
he  held  in  his  hand,  his  eye  lit  upon  the  strange  word  which 
was  intended  to  describe  his  friend  Huckaback ;  and  it 
instantly  changed  both  the  kind  of  his  feelings,  and  the 
direction  in  which  they  had  been  rushing.  Grief  became 
rage ;  and  the  stream  foamed  in  quite  a  new  direction — 
namely,  towards  Huckaback.  That  fellow  he  considered 
to  be  the  sole  cause  of  the  direful  disaster  which  had  be- 
fallen him.  He  utterly  lost  sight  of  one  circumstance, 
that  one  should  have  thought  might  have  occurred  to  his 
thoughts  at  such  a  time — viz.  his  own  offensive  and  inso- 
lent behaviour  over-night,  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon  and 
Snap.  But  so  it  was: — yes,  upon  the  devoted  (but  un- 
conscious) head  of  Huckaback,  was  to  descend  the  light- 
ning rage  of  Tittlebat  Titmouse.  The  fire  that  was  thus 
quickly  kindled  within,  soon  dried  up  the  source  of  his 
tears.  He  crammed  the  letter  into  his  pocket,  and  started 
off  at  once  in  the  direction  of  Leicester  Square,  breathing 
rage  at  every  step — viresque  acquirens  eundo.  His  hands 
kept  convulsively  clenching  together  as  he  pelted  along. 
Hotter  and  hotter  became  his  rage  as  he  neared  the  resi- 
dence of  Huckaback.  When  he  had  reached  it,  he  sprung 
up  stairs;  knocked  at  his  quondam  friend's  door  ;  and  on 
the  instant  of  its  being — doubtless  somewhat  surprisedly 
— opened  by  Huckaback,  who  was  undressing,  Titmouse 
sprung  towards  him,  let  fly  a  goodly  number  of  violent 
blows  upon  his  face  and  breast — and  down  fell  Hucka- 
back upon  the  bed  behind  him,  insensible,  and  bleeding 
profusely  from  his  nose. 

"  There  !  there" — gasped  Titmouse,  breathless  and  ex- 
hausted, discharging  a  volley  of  oaths  and  opprobrious 
epithets  at  the  victim  of  his  fury.  "  Do  it  again!  You 
will,  won't  you  !     You'll  go — and  meddle  again  in  other 

people's— you— cu-cu-cursed  officious" But  his  rage 

was  spent — the  paroxysm  was  over ;  the  silent  and  bleed- 
ing figure  of  Huckaback  was  before  his  eyes ;  and  he 
gazed  at  him  terror-stricken.  What  had  he  done  !  He 
sunk  down  on  the  bed  beside  Huckaback — then  started 
up,  wringing  his  hands,  and  staring  at  him  in  an  ecstacy 
of  remorse  and  fright.  It  was  rather  singular  that  the 
noise  of  such  an  assault  should  have  roused  no  one  to 
inquire  into  it ;  but  so  it  was.     Frightened  almost  out  of 


TEN  THOUSAND    A-YEAR.  63 

his  bewildered  senses,  he  closed  and  bolted  the  door ;  and 
addressed  himself,  as  well  as  he  was  able,  to  the  recovery 
of  Huckaback.  Propping  him  up,  and  splashing  cold 
water  in  his  face,  Titmouse  at  length  discovered  symp- 
toms of  revival,  which  he  anxiously  endeavoured  to  ac- 
celerate, by  putting  to  the  lips  of  the  slowly-awakening 
victim  of  his  violence,  some  cold  water  in  a  tea-cup.  He 
swallowed  a  little;  and  soon  afterwards,  opening  his  eyes, 
stared  on  Titmouse  with  a  dull  eye  and  bewildered  air. 

"What's  been  the  matter]"  at  length  he  faintly  in- 
quired. 

11  Oh,  Hucky !  so  glad  to  hear  you  speak  again.  It's 
I — I — Titty !  I  did  it !  Strike  me,  Hucky,  as  soon  as 
you're  well  enough  1  Do — kick  me — any  thing  you 
choose !  I  won't  hinder  you,"  cried  Titmouse,  sinking 
on  his  knees,  and  clasping  his  hands  together,  as  he 
perceived  Huckaback  rapidly  reviving. 

"  Why — what  is  the  matter  1"  repeated  that  gentleman, 
with  a  wondering  air,  raising  his  hand  to  his  nose,  from 
which  the  blood  was  still  trickling.  The  fact  is,  that  he 
had  lost  his  senses,  not  so  much  from  the  violence  of  the 
injuries  he  had  received,  as  from  the  suddenness  with 
which  they  had  been  inflicted. 

"  I  did  it  all— yes,  I  did  !"  continued  Titmouse,  gazing 
on  him  with  a  look  of  agony  and  remorse. 

«  Why— I  can't  be  awake— 1  can't !"  said  Huckaback, 
rubbing  his  eyes,  and  then  staring  at  his  stained  shirt- 
front  and  hands. 

"  Oh,  yes,  you  are — you  are  !  groaned  Titmouse ; 
"  and  I'm  going  mad  as  fast  as  I  can  !  Do  what  you  like 
to  me  !  Lick  me  if  you  please !  Call  in  a  constable ! 
Send  me  to  jail  !  Say  I  came  to  rob  you— any  thing — I 
don't  care  what  becomes  of  me  !" 

«  Why— what  does  all  this  jabber  mean,  Titmouse !" 
inquired  Huckaback  sternly,  apparently  meditating  re- 
prisals. 

"  Oh,  yes,  I  see!  Now  you  are  going  to  give  it  me! 
I  won't  stir.     So  hit  away,  Hucky." 

m  Why— are  you  mad  V  inquired  Huckaback,  grasp- 
ing him  by  the  collar  rather  roughly. 

"  Yes,  quite  !  Mad  ! — ruined  ! — gone  to  the  devil  all 
at  once !" 


64  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  And  what  if  you  are  1  What  did  it  matter  to  me  ? 
What  brought  you  to  me,  here?"  continued  Huckaback, 
in  a  tone  of  increasing  vehemence.  What  have  I  done 
to  offend  you  1  How  dare  you  come  here  ?  And  at  this 
time  of  night,  too  1     Eh  ?" 

"  What,  indeed  !  Oh  lud,  oh  lud,  oh  lud  !  Kick  me,  I 
say — strike  me  !  You'll  do  me  good,  and  bring  me  to 
my  senses.  Me  to  do  all  this  to  you  !  And  we've  been 
such  precious  good  friends  always.  I'm  a  brute,  Hucky, 
•*—  I've  been  mad,  stark  mad,  Hucky — and  that's  all  I  can 
say." 

Huckaback  stared  at  him  more  and  more  ;  and  began 
at  length  to  suspect  how  matters  stood — namely,  that 
the  Sunday's  incident  had  turned  Titmouse's  head — he 
having  also,  no  doubt,  heard  some  desperate  bad  news 
during  the  day,  smashing  all  his  hopes.  A  mixture  of 
emotions  kept  him  silent.  Astonishment — apprehension — 
doubt — pride — pique — resentment.  He  had  been  struck 
— his  blood  had  been  drawn — by  the  man  there  before 
him  on  his  knees,  formerly  his  friend,  now,  he  supposed, 
a  madmtm. 

"  Why,  curse  me,  Titmouse,  if  I  can  make  up  my  mind 
what  to  do  to  you  !"  he  exclaimed.  "  I — I — suppose 
you're  going  mad,  or  gone  mad,  and  I  must  forgive  you. 
But  get  away  with  you— out  with  you,  or — or — I'll  call 
in" 

"  Forgive  me — forgive  me,  dear  Hucky  !  Don't  send 
me  away — I  shall  go  and  drown  myself  if  you  do." 

"  What  the  d — 1  do  I  care  if  you  do  1  You'd  much 
better  have  gone  and  done  it  before  you  came  here.  Nay, 
be  off  and  do  it  now,  instead  of  blubbering  here  in  this 
way." 

"  Go  on  !  Hit  away — it's  doing  me  good — the  worse 
the  better !"  sobbed  Titmouse. 

•  "  Come,  come— none  of  this    noise   here.     I'm   tired 
of  it." 

"  But,  pray,  don't  send  me  away  from  you.  I  shall  go 
straight  to  the  devil  if  you  do.  I've  no  friend  but  you, 
Hucky.  Yet  I've  been  such  a  villain  to  you  ! — But  it 
quite  put  the  devil  into  me,  when  all  of  a  sudden  I  found 
it  was  you" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  65 

"  Me  ! — Why  what  are  you  after?"  interrupted  Hucka- 
back, with  an  air  of  angry  wonder. 

"  Oh  dear,  dear  !"  groaned  Titmouse ;  "  if  I've  been  a 
brute  to  you,  which  is  quite  true,  you've  been  the  ruin  of 
me  clean  !  I'm  clean  done  for,  Huck.  Cleaned  out ! 
You've  done  my  business  for  me ;  knocked  it  all  in  the 
head.  I  sha'n't  never  hear  any  more  of  it — they've  said 
as  much  in  their  letter — they  say  that  you've  called" 

Huckaback  now  began  to  have  a  glimmering  notion  of 
his  having  been,  in  some  considerable  degree,  connected 
with  the  mischief  of  the  day — an  unconscious  agent  in  it. 
He  audibly  drew  in  his  breath,  as  it  were,  as  he  more 
and  more  distinctly  recollected  his  visit  to  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap ;  and  adverted  more  particularly  to 
his  threats,  uttered,  too,  in  Titmouse's  name,  and  as  if  by 
his  authority.     Whew  !  here  was  a  kettle  of  fish  ! 

Now  strange  and  unaccountable  as,  at  first  thought,  it 
may  appear,  the  very  circumstance  which  one  would  have 
thought  calculated  to  assuage  his  resentment  against  Tit- 
mouse— namely,  that  he  had  really  injured  Titmouse  most 
seriously,  (if  not  indeed  irreparably,)  and  so  provoked  the 
drubbing  which  had  just  been  administered  to  him — had 
quite  the  contrary  effect.  Paradoxical  as  it  may  seem, 
matter  of  clear  mitigation  was  at  once  converted  into 
matter  of  aggravation.  Were  the  feelings  which  Hucka- 
back then  experienced  akin  to  that  which  often  produces 
hatred  of  a  person  whom  one  has  injured  1  May  it  be 
thus  accounted  for  ?  That  there  is  a  secret  satisfaction 
in  the  mere  consciousness  of  being  a  sufferer — a  martyr 
— and  that,  too,  in  the  presence  of  a  person  whom  one 
perceives  to  be  aware  that  he  has  wantonly  injured ;  that 
one's  bruised  spirit  is  soothed  by  the  sight  of  his  remorse 
—  by  the  consciousness  that  he  is  punishing  himself  infi- 
nitely more  severely  than  we  could  punish  him  ;  and  of 
the  claim  one  has  obtained  to  the  sympathy  of  every  body 
who  sees,  or  may  hear  of  one's  sufferings,  (that  rich  and 
grateful  balm  to  injured  feeling.)  But  when,  as  in  the 
case  of  Huckaback,  feelings  of  this  description  (in  a  coarse 
and  small  way,  to  be  sure,  according  to  his  kind)  were 
suddenly  encountered  by  a  consciousness  of  his  having 
deserved  his  sufferings;    when   the   martyr  felt   himself 

6* 


66  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

quickly  sinking  into  the  culprit  and  offender ;  when,  I  say, 
Huckaback  felt  an  involuntary  consciousness  that  the 
gross  indignities  which  Titmouse  had  just  inflicted  on 
him,  had  been  justified  by  the  provocation — nay,  far  less, 
that  his  mischievous  and  impudent  interference  had  de- 
served ; — nay,  when  feelings  of  this  sort,  moreover,  were 
sharpened  by  a  certain  tingling  sense  of  physical  pain 
from  the  blows  which  he  had  received — the  result  was, 
that  the  sleeping  lion  of  Huckaback's  courage  was  very 
near  awakening. 

"  I've  half  a  mind,  Titmouse" — said  Huckaback,  knit- 
ting his  brows,  and  appearing  inclined  to  raise  his  arm. 
There  was  an  ominous  pause  for  a  moment  or  two, 
during  which  Titmouse's  feelings  also  underwent  a  slight 
alteration.  His  allusion  to  Huckaback's  ruinous  insult  to 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  unconsciously  con- 
verted his  remorse  into  rage,  which  it  rather  perhaps 
resuscitated.  He  rose  from  his  knees.  "  Ah  !"  said  he, 
in  quite  an  altered  tone,  "  you  may  look  fierce!  you  may! 
. — you'd  better  strike  me,  Huckaback,  do  !  Finish  the 
mischief  you've  begun  this  day  !  Hit  away — you're  quite 
safe," — and  he  secretly  prepared  himself  for  the  mischief 
which — did  not  come. 

[I  think  you  will  very  rarely  find  an  impudent  man  to 
be  a  courageous  one ; — and  Huckaback  had  certainly 
considerable  pretensions  to  the  former  character.] 

"  You  have  ruined  me  !  you  have,  Huckaback  !"  con- 
tinued Titmouse,  with  increasing  vehemence ;  "  and  I 
shall  be  cutting  my  throat— nay,"  striking  his  fist  on  the 
table,  "  I  will." 

"  You  don't  say  so  !"  exclaimed  Huckaback,  apprehen- 
sively. "  No,  Titmouse,  don't — don't  think  of  it ;  it  will 
all  come  right  yet,  depend  on't ;  you  see  if  it  don't !" 

"  Oh,  no !  it's  all  done  for — it's  all  up  with  me  !" 

"  But  what's  been  done  1 — let  us  hear,"  said  Hucka- 
back, as  he  passed  a  wet  towel  to  and  fro  over  his  en- 
sanguined features.  It  was  by  this  time  clear  that  the 
storm  which  had  for  some  time  given  out  only  a  few  faint 
fitful  flashes  or  flickerings  in  the  distance  had  passed 
away.  Titmouse,  with  many  grievous  sighs,  took  out  the 
letter  which  had  produced  the  paroxysms  we  have  been 
describing,  and  read  it  aloud.  "  And  only  see  how  they've 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  67 

spelled  your  name,  Huckaback — look  !"  he  added,  hand- 
ing his  friend  the  letter. 

"How particular  vulgar!"  exclaimed  Huckaback,  with 
a  contemptuous  air,  which,  overspreading  his  features, 
half  closed  as  was  his  left  eye,  and  swollen  as  was  his 
cheek  and  nose,  would  have  made  him  a  queer  object  to 
one  who  had  leisure  to  observe  such  matters.  "  And  so 
this  is  all  they  say  of  me,"  he  continued.  "  How  do  you 
come  to  know  that  I've  been  doing  you  a  mischief?  All 
I  did  was  just  to  look  in  as  respectful  as  possible,  to  ask 
how  you  was,  and  they  very  civilly  told  me  you  was  very 
well,  and  we  parted" 

"  Nay,  and  that's  a  lie,  Huckaback,  and  you  know  it!" 
interrupted  Titmouse. 

"  It's  true,  so  help  me !"  vehemently  asseverated 

Huckaback. 

"  Why,  perhaps  you'll  deny  that  you  wrote  and  told 
me  all  you  said,"  interrupted  Titmouse,  indignantly,  feel- 
ing in  his  pocket  for  Huckaback's  letter,  which  that  worthy 
had  at  that  moment  quite  forgotten  having  sent,  and  cer- 
tainly seemed  rather  nonplussed  on  being  reminded  of. 

"  Oh — ay,  if  you  mean  that, — hem  !" — he  stammered. 

"  Come,  you  know  you're  a  liar,  Huck — but  it's  no 
good  now ;  liar  or  no  liar,  it's  all  over." 

"  The  pot  and  kettle,  any  how,  Tit,  as  far  as  that  goes 
— but  let's  spell  over  this  letter;  we  haven't  studied  it 
yet;  I'm  a  hand  rather  at  getting  at  what's  said  in  a 
letter  ! — Come" — and  they  drew  their  chairs  together, 
Huckaback  reading  over  the  letter,  slowly,  alone;  Tit- 
mouse's eyes  travelling  incessantly  from  his  friend's 
countenance  to  the  letter,  and  so  back  again,  to  gather 
what  might  be  the  effect  of  its  perusal. 

"  There's  a  glimpse  of  daylight  yet,  Titty !"  said  Hucka- 
back, as  he  concluded  reading  it. 

"  Now  !  Is  there  really  1     Do  tell  me,  Hucky" — 

"  Why,  first  and  foremost,  how  uncommon  polite  they 
are,  (except  that  they  haven't  manners  enough  to  spell 
my  name  right)" — 

"  Really — and  so  they  are  !"  exclaimed  Titmouse,  ra- 
ther elatedly. 

"  And  then,  you  see,  there's  another  thing — if  they'd 
meant  to  give  the  thing  the  go-by  altogether,  what  could 


68  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

have  been  easier  than  to  have  said  so? — but  they  haven't 
said  any  thing  of  the  sort,  so  they  don't  mean  to  give  it 
all  up." 

"  Lord,  Huck  !  what  would  I  give  for  such  a  head  as 
yours !  What  you  say  is  quite  true,"  said  Titmouse, 
still  more  cheerfully. 

"  To  be  sure,  they  do  say  there's  an  obstacle — an  ob- 
stacle, you  see — nay,  its  obstacles,  which  is  several,  and 
that" Titmouse's  face  fell. 

"  But  they  say  again,  that  it's — it's — curse  their  big 
words — they  say  it's — to  be  got  over  in  time." 

"  Well — that's  something,  isn't  it  1" 

"  To  be  sure  it  is  ;  and  an't  any  thing  better  than  no- 
thing 1  But  then,  again,  here's  a  stone  in  the  other  pocket 
— they  say  there's  a  circumstance  ! — don't  you  hate  cir- 
cumstances, Titty  1 — I  do." 

"  So  do  I !  What  does  it  mean  1  I've  often  heard — 
isn't  it  a  thing.     And  that  may  be  any  thing." 

"  There's  a  great  dif — hem  !  And  they  go  on  to  say 
it's  happened  since  you  was  there" 

"  Curse  me,  then,  if  that  don't  mean  you,  Huckaback !" 
interrupted  Titmouse,  with  returning  anger. 

M  No,  that  can't  be  it ;  they  said  they'd  no  control  over 
the  circumstance  ; — now  they  had  over  me  ;  for  they  or- 
dered me  to  the  door,  and  I  went ;  an't  that  so,  Titty  1 — ' 
Lord,  how  my  eye  does  smart,  to  be  sure  !" 

[This  was  judiciously  thrown  in  at  that  moment  by 
Huckaback,  as  a  kind  of  set-off.] 

"  And  don't  I  smart  all  over,  inside  and  out,  if  it  come 
to  that  ?"  inquired  Titmouse,  dolefully. 

"  There's  nothing  particular  in  the  rest  of  the  letter — 
only  uncommon  civil,  and  saying  if  any  thing  turns  up 
you  shall  hear." 

"  /  could  make  that  out  myself— so  there's  nothing  in 
that — "  said  Titmouse,  quickly. 

u  Well — if  it  is  all  over — what  a  pity  !  Such  things  as 
we  could  have  done,  Titty,  if  we'd  got  the  thing — eh  1" 

Titmouse  groaned  at  this  glimpse  of  the  heaven  he 
seemed  shut  out  of  for  ever; 

"  Can't  you  find  any  thing — nothing  at  all,  comfortable- 
like, in  the  letter?  he  inquired,  with  a  deep  sigh. 

Huckaback  again  took  up  the  letter  and  spelt  it  over. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  69 

"  Well,"  said  he,  striving  to  give  himself  an  appearance 
of  thinking,  "  there's  something  in  it,  that,  after  all,  I 
don't  seem  quite  to  get  at  the  bottom  of — they've  seem- 
ingly taken  a  deal  of  pains  with  it." 

[And  undoubtedly  it  was  a  document  that  had  been 
pretty  well  considered  by  its  framers,  before  being  sent 
out;  though,  probably,  they  had  hardly  anticipated  its 
being  so  soon  afterwards  subjected  to  the  scrutiny  of  the 
acute  intellects  which  were  now  engaged  upon  it.] 

"  And  then,  again,  you  know  they're  lawyers  ;  and  do 
they  ever  write  any  thing  that  hasn't  got  more  in  it  than 
any  body  can  find  out  1  These  gents  that  wrote  this, 
they're  a  trick  too  keen  for  the  thieves  even — and  how 
can  we — hem  ! — but  I  wonder  if  that  fat,  old,  bald-headed 
gent,  with  sharp  eyes,  was  Mr.  Quirk" 

"  To  be  sure  it  was,"  interrupted  Titmouse,  with  a  half 
shudder. 

"  Was  it  ?  Well,  then,  I'd  advise  Old  Nick  to  look 
sharp  before  he  tackles  that  old  gent,  that's  all !" 

41  Give  me  Mr.  Gammon  for  my  money — such  an  un- 
common gentlemanlike — he's  quite  taken  to  me " 

"  Ah,  that  was  he  with  the  black  velvet  waistcoat,  and 
white  hands  !  But  he  can  look  stern,  too,  Tit !  You 
should  have  seen  him  ring — hem  ! — But  what  was  I 
saying  about  the  letter?  Don't  you  see  they  say  they'll 
be  sure  to  write  if  any  thing  turns  up  V 

"So  they  do,  to  be  sure!  Well — I'd  forgot  that!" 
interrupted  Titmouse,  brightening  up. 

"  Then,  isn't  there  their  advertisement  in  the  Flash  1 
They  hadn't  their  eye  on  any  thing  when  they  put  it 
there,  I  dare  say  ! — They  can't  get  out  of  that,  any  how!" 

"  I  begin  to  feel  all  of  a  sweat,  Hucky ;  I'm  sure  there's 
something  in  the  wind  yet !"  said  Titmouse,  drawing 
nearer  still  to  his  comforter.  "And  more  than  that — 
would  they  have  said  half  they  did  to  me  last  night " 

"  Eh  !  hollo,  by  the  way !  I've  not  heard  of  what  went 
on  last  night!  So  you  went  to  'em?  Well — tell  us  all 
that  happened — and  nothing  but  the  truth,  be  sure  you 
don't ;  come,  Titty  !"  said  Huckaback,  snuffing  the  candle, 
and  then  turning  eagerly  to  his  companion. 

"Well — they'd  such  a  number  of  queer-looking  papers 
before  them,  some  with  old  German-text  writing,   and 


70  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

others  with  zigzag  marks — and  they  were  so  uncommon 
polite — they  all  three  got  up  as  I  went  in,  and  made  me 
bows,  one  after 'the  other,  and  said,  'Yours  most  obe- 
diently, Mr.  Titmouse,'  and  a  great  many  more  such 
things." 

«  Well— and  then?" 

"  Why,  Hucky,  so  help  me  !  and  'pon  my  soul, 

that  old  gent,  Mr.  Quirk,  told  me" — Titmouse's  voice 
trembled  at  the  recollection — "  he  says,  «  Sir,  you're  the 
real  owner  of  Ten  Thousand  a-year — '" 

"  La!"  ejaculated  Huckaback,  opening  wider  and  wider 
his  eyes  and  ears  as  his  friend  went  on. 

"  '  And  a  title — a  lord,  or  something  of  that  sort — and 
you've  a  great  many  country  seats;  and  there's  been 
^610,000  a-year  saving  up  for  you  ever  since  you  was 
born — and  heaps  of  interest — '  " 

"  Lord,  Tit!  you  take  my  breath  away,"  gasped  Huck- 
aback, his  eyes  fixed  intently  on  his  friend's  face. 

"  Yes;  and  they  said  I  might  marry  the  most  beauti- 
fulest  woman  that  ever  my  eyes  saw,  for  the  asking." 

"  You'll  forget  poor  Bob  Huckaback,  Tit !"  murmured 
his  friend,  despondingly. 

«  Not  1"— 

"  Have  you  been  to  Dowlas's  to-day,  after  hearing  all 
this?" 

[The  thermometer  seemed  to  have  been  plunged  out  of 
hot  water  into  cold — Titmouse  was  down  at  zero  in  a 
trice.] 

"  Oh  !— that's  it !  'Tis  all  gone  again  !  What  a  fool  I 
am  !  We've  clean  forgot  this  cursed  letter — and  that 
leads  me  to  the  end  of  what  took  place  last  night.  That 
cursed  shop  was  what  we  split  on  !" 

"  Split  on  the  shop  !  eh  1  What's  the  meaning  of  that  ?" 
inquired  Huckaback,  with  eager  anxiety. 

"  Why,  that's  the  thing,"  continued  Titmouse,  in  a 
faltering  tone,  and  with  a  depressed  look—"  That  was 
what  I  wanted  to  know  myself;  for  they  said  I'd  better 

go  back ! !     So  I  said,  •  Gents,'  said  I,  '  I'll  be if 

I'll  go  back  to  the  shop  any  more ;'  and  I  snapped  my 
fingers  at  them — so !  (for  you  know  what  a  chap  I  am 
when  my  blood's  up.)  And  they  all  turned  ghastly  pale 
~they  did,  upon  my  life — you  never  saw  any  thing  like 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  71 

it?  And  one  of  them  said  then,  in  an  humble  way, 
•  Wouldn't  I  please  to  go  back  to  the  shop,  just  for  a  day 
or  two,  till  things  is  got  to  rights  a  bit.'  '  Not  a  day  nor 
a  minute !'  said  I,  in  an  immense  rage.  ■  We  think  you'd 
better,  really,'  said  they.  '  Then,'  says  I,  •  if  that's  your 
plan,  curse  me  if  I  won't  cut  with  you  all,  and  I'll  employ 
some  one  else !'  and — would  you  believe  me  !  out  I  went, 
bang  !  into  the  street ! !" 

"  You  did,  Tit ! !" 

"  They  shouldn't  have  given  me  so  much  brandy  and 
water  as  they  did;  I  didn't  well  know  what  I  was  about, 
what  with  the  news  and  the  spirits !" 

"  And  you  went  into  the  street  1"  inquired  Huckaback, 
with  a  kind  of  horror. 

"  I  did,  indeed." 

"  They'd  given  you  the  spirits  to  see  what  kind  of  chap 
you'd  be  if  you  got  the  property — only  to  try  you,  depend 
on  it !" 

"  Lord  !  I — I  dare  say  they  did  !"  exclaimed  Titmouse, 
elevating  his  head  with  sudden  amazement ;  totally  for- 
getting that  that  same  brandy  and  water  he  had  asked 
for — "  and  me  never  to  think  of  it  at  the  time  !" 

"  Now  are  you  quite  sure  you  wasn't  in  a  dream  last 
night,  all  the  while!" 

"  Oh,  dear,  I  wish  I  had  been — I  do  indeed,  Hucky !"' 

"  Well — you  went  into  the  street — what  then !"  inquired 
Huckaback,  with  a  sigh  of  exhausted  attention. 

"  Why,  when  I'd  got  there  I  was  fit  to  bite  my  tongue 
off,  as  one  may  suppose ;  but,  just  as  I  was  a-turning  to 
go  ia  again,  who  should  come  up  to  me  but  Mr.  Gammon, 
saying,  he  humbly  hoped  there  was  no  offence." 

"  Oh,  glorious!  So  it  was  all  set  right  again,  then — 
eh?" 

"  Why — I — I  can't  quite  exactly  say  that  much,  either 
— but — when  I  went  back,  (being  obligated  by  Mr.  Gam- 
mon being  so  pressing,)  the  other  two  was  sitting  as  pale 
as  death ;  and  though  Mr.  Gammon  and  me  went  on  our 
knees  to  the  old  gent,  it  wasn't  any  use  for  a  long  time; 
and  all  that  he  could  be  got  to  say  was,  that  perhaps  I 
might  look  in  again  to-night — (but  they  first  made  me 
swear  a  solemn  oath  on  the  Bible  never  to  tell  any  one 


72  TEN  THOUSAND  A-\EAR. 

any  thing  about  the  fortune) — and  then — you  went, 
Huckaback,  and  you  did  the  business ;  they  of  course 
concluding  I'd  sent  you  !" 

"  Bother  !  that  can't  be.  Don't  you  see  how  civilly 
they  speak  of  me  in  their  letter]  They're  afraid  of  me, 
you  may  depend  on  it.  By  the  way,  Tit,  how  much  did 
you  promise  to  come  down,  if  you  got  the  thing?" 

"  Come  down! — I — really — by  Jove,  I  didn't !  No  ! — 
I'm  sure  I  didn't !"  answered  Titmouse,  as  if  new  light 
had  burst  in  upon  him. 

"  Why,  Tit,  I  never  seed  such  a  goose  !  That's  it, 
depend  upon  it— it's  the  whole  thing.  That's  what  they're 
driving  at,  in  the  note ! — Why,  Tit,  where  was  your  wits  ? 
D'ye  think  such  gents  as  them — great  lawyers,  too — will 
work  for  nothing? — You  write  and  tell  them  you  will 
come  down  handsome — say  a  couple  of  hundreds,  besides 
expenses — Gad !  'twill  set  you  on  your  pins  again,  Titty  ! — 
Rot  me!  now  I  think  of  it,  if  I  didn't  dream  last  night 
that  you  was  a  Member  of  Parliament,  or  something  of 
that  sort." 

"  A  Member  of  Parliament !  And  so  I  shall,  if  all  this 
turns  up  well." 

"  You  see  if  my  dream  don't  come  true  !  You  see, 
Titty,  I'm  always  a-thinking  of  you,  day  and  night.  Never 
was  two  fellows  that  was  such  close  friends  as  we  was 
from  the  beginning." 

[They  had  been  acquainted  with  each  other  about 
a  year.] 

"  Hucky,  what  a  cruel  scamp  I  was  to  behave  to  you 
in  the  manner  I  did — curse  me,  if  I  couldn't  cry  to  see 
your  eye  bunged  up  in  that  way !" 

"  Pho !  dear  Titty,  I  knew  you  loved  me,  all  the  while 
— and  meant  no  harm;  you  wasn't  yourself  when  you 
did  it — and  besides,  I  deserved  ten  times  more. — If  you 
had  killed  me,  I  should  have  liked  you  as  much  as  ever !" 

"Give  us  your  hand,  Hucky!  Let's  forgive  one  ano- 
ther !"  cried  Titmouse,  excitedly :  and  their  hands  were 
quickly  locked  together. 

"  If  we  don't  mismanage  the  thing,  we  shall  be  all  right 
yet,  Titty ;  but  you  won't  do  any  thing  without  speaking 
to  me  first — will  you,  Titty  ?" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  73 

"  The  thoughts  of  it  all  going  right  again  is  enough  to 
set  me  wild,  Hucky  ! — But  what  shall  we  do  to  set  the 
thing  going  again  !" 

"  Quarter  -past  one  J"  quivered  the  voice  of  the  paralytic 
watchman  beneath,  startling  the  friends  out  of  their  ex- 
citing colloquy;  his  warning  being  at  the  same  time 
silently  seconded  by  the  long-wicked  candle,  burning 
within  half  an  inch  of  its  socket.  They  hastily  agreed 
that  Titmouse  should  immediately  write  to  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,  a  proper,  i.  e.  a  most  abject  letter, 
solemnly  pledging  himself  to  obey  their  injunctions  in 
every  thing  for  the  future,  and  offering  them  a  handsome 
reward  for  their  exertions,  if  successful. 

"  Well — good-night,  Huck  !  good  night,"  said  Titmouse, 
rising.  "  I  am  not  the  least  sleepy — I  sha'n't  sleep  a  wink 
all  night  long !  I  shall  sit  up  to  write  my  letter — you 
haven't  got  a  sheet  of  paper,  here,  by  the  way? — I've  used 
all  mine."  That  was,  he  had,  some  months  before, 
bought  a  sheet  to  write  a  letter,  and  had  so  used  it. 

Huckaback  produced  a  sheet,  somewhat  crumpled,  from 
a  drawer.  "I'd  give  a  hundred  if  1  had  them  !"  said  he; 
"  I  sha'n't  care  a  straw  for  the  hiding  I've  got  tonight — 
though  I'm  a  leetle  sore  after  it,  too — and  what  the  deuce 
am  I  to  say  to-morrow  to  Messrs.  Diaper — " 

"  Oh,  you  can't  hardly  be  at  a  loss  for  a  lie  that'll  suit 
them,  surely  ! — So  good  night,  Hucky — good  night !" 

Huckaback  wrung  his  friend's  hand,  and  was  in  a 
moment  or  two  alone.  "  Haven't  my  fingers  been  itching 
all  the  while  to  be  at  the  fellow  !"  exclaimed  he,  as  he  shut 
the  door.  "  But,  somehow,  I've  got  too  soft  a  sperrit,  and 
can't  bear  to  hurt  any  one ; — and  then — if  the  chap  gets 
his  £10,000  a-year — why — hem!  Titty  an't  such  a  bad 
fellow,  in  the  main,  after  all." 

If  Titmouse  had  been  many  degrees  higher  in  the  grade 
of  society,  he  would  still  have  met  with  his  Huckaback; — 
a  trifle  more  polished,  perhaps,  but  hardly  more  quick- 
sighted  or  effective  than,  in  his  way,  had  been  the  vulgar 
being  he  had  just  quitted ! 

Titmouse  hastened  homeward.  How  it  was,  he  knew 
not ;  but  the  feelings  of  elation  with  which  he  had  quitted 
Huckaback  did  not  last  long ;  they  rapidly  sunk,  in  the 
cold  night-air,  lower  and  lower,  the  farther  he  got  from 

vol.  i.  7 


74  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Leicester  Square.  He  tried  to  recollect  what  it  was  that  bad 
made  him  take  so  very  different  a  view  of  his  affairs  from 
that  with  which  he  had  entered  Huckaback's  room.  He 
had  still  a  vague  impression  that  they  were  not  desperate ; 
that  Huckaback  had  told  him  so,  and  somehow  proved  it, 
but  how  he  now  knew  not — he  could  not  recollect.  As 
Huckaback  had  gone  on,  from  time  to  time,  Titmouse's 
little  mind  seemed  to  him  to  comprehend  and  appreciate 
what  was  said,  and  to  gather  encouragement  from  it; 
but  now — consume  it ! — he  stopped — rubbed  his  forehead 
— what  the  deuce  was  it  1  By  the  time  that  he  had  reached 
his  own  door,  he  felt  in  as  deploring  and  despairing  a 
humour  as  ever.  He  sat  down  to  write  his  letter  at  once ; 
but,  after  many  vain  efforts  to  express  his  meaning — his 
feelings  being  not  in  the  least  degree  relieved  by  the  many 
oaths  he  uttered — he  at  length  furiously  dashed  his  pen, 
point-wise,  upon  the  table,  and  thereby  destroyed  the  only 
implement  of  the  sort  which  he  possessed.  Then  he  tore, 
rather  than  pulled  off,  his  clothes;  blew  out  his  candle 
with  a  furious  puff;  and  threw  himself  on  the  bed — but  in 
so  doing  banged  the  back  of  his  head  against  the  back  of 
the  bed — and  which  suffered  most,  for  some  time  after, 
probably  Mr.  Titmouse  was  best  able  to  tell. 

Hath,  then — oh,  Titmouse  !  fated  to  undergo  much  ! — 
the  blind  jade,  Fortune,  in  her  mad  vagaries — she,  the 
goddess  whom  thou  hast  so  long  foolishly  worshipped — 
at  length  cast  her  sportful  eye  upon  thee,  and  singled  thee 
out  to  become  the  envy  of  millions  of  admiring  fools,  by 
reason  of  the  pranks  she  will  presently  make  thee  exhibit 
for  her  amusement  ?  If  this  be  indeed,  as  at  present  it 
promises,  her  intent,  she  truly,  to  me  calmly  watching  her 
movements,  appears  resolved  first  to  wreak  her  spite 
upon  thee  to  the  uttermost,  and  make  thee  pass  through 
intense  sufferings  !     Oh  me !     Oh  me  !     Alas  ! 

The  accident,  for  such  it  was,  by  which  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap  became  possessed  of  the  important 
information  which  put  them  into  motion,  as  we  have  seen, 
to  find  out  by  advertisement  one  yet  unknown  to  them, 
it  will  not  be  necessary,  for  some  time,  for  me  to  explain. 
Theirs  was  a  keen  house,  truly ;  and  they  would  not,  one 
may  be  sure,  have  lightly  committed  themselves  to  their 
present  extent,  namely,  in  inserting  such  an  advertise- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  75 

merit  in  the  newspapers,  and  above  all,  going  so  far  in 
their  disclosures  to  Titmouse.  Their  prudence  in  the 
latter  step,  however,  was  very  questionable  to  themselves, 
even ;  and  they  immediately  afterwards  deplored  together 
the  precipitation  with  which  Mr.  Quirk  had  communicated 
to  Titmouse  the  nature  and  extent  of  his  possible  good 
fortune.  It  was  Mr.  Quirk's  own  doing,  however,  and 
after  as  much  expostulation  as  the  cautious  Gammon 
could  venture  to  use.  He,  however,  had  his  motive,  as 
well  as  Mr.  Gammon.  I  say  they  had  not  lightly  taken 
up  the  affair;  they  had  not  "  acted  unadvisedly."  They 
were  fortified,  first,  by  the  opinions  of  Mr.  Mortmain,  an 
able  and  experienced  conveyancer;  who  thus  wound  up 
an  abtrusely  learned  opinion  on  the  voluminous  "case" 
which  had  been  submitted  to  him: — 

ii  *  *  Under  all  these  circumstances,  I  am  decidedly  of 
opinion  that  the  well-established  rule  of  law  above  advert- 
ed to,  viz.,  &c,  &c,  &c,  is  clearly  applicable  to  the  pre- 
sent case ;  from  which  it  follows,  that  the  title  to  the  estates 
in  question  is  at  this  moment  not  in  their  present  posses- 
sor, but  in  1789  passed  through  Dame  Dorothy  Dreddling- 
ton  into  the  female  line,  and  ultimately  vested  in  Gabriel 
Tittlebat  Titmouse — who,  however,  seems  not  to  have 
been  at  all  aware  of  the  existence  of  his  rights,  or  he  could 
hardly  have  been  concerned  in  the  pecuniary  arrange- 
ments sanctioned  at  fol.  33  of  the  case.  And  his  heirs — 
probably  something  may  be  heard  of  them  by  making 
careful  inquiry  in  the  neighbourhood  where  he  was  last 
heard  of,  and  issuing  advertisements  for  his  heir-at-law  ; 
care  of  course  being  taken  not  to  be  so  specific  in  the  terms 
of  such  advertisements  as  to  attract  the  notice  of  A  B, 
(the  party,  I  presume,  now  in  possession.)  If  such  per- 
sons should,  by  the  means  above  suggested,  be  discovered, 
I  advise  proceedings  to  be  commenced  forthwith,  under 
the  advice  of  some  gentleman  of  experience  at  the  com- 
mon law  bar. 

"Mouldy  Mortmain. 

"  Line.  Inn,  January  19,  1SP-." 

This  was  sufficiently  gratifying  to  the  "  House  ;"  but, 
to  make  assurance  doubly  sure,  before  embarking  in  so 
harassing  and  expensive  an  enterprise,  the  same  case,  (of 


76  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

course  without  Mr.  Mortmain's  opinion)  was  laid  before  a 
younger  conveyancer ;  who,  having  much  less  business 
than  Mr.  Mortmain,  would,  it  was  thought,  "  look  into  the 
case  fully,"  though  receiving  only  one-third  of  the  fee 
which  had  been  paid  to  Mr.  Mortmain.  And  Mr.  Fussy 
Frankpledge— that  was  his  name — did  "  look  into  the  case 
fully,"  and  in  doing  so,  turned  over  two-thirds  of  his  little 
library,  and  by  note,  and  verbally,  gleaned  the  opinions 
upon  the  subject  of  some  dozen  or  so  of  his  "  learned 
friends  ;"  to  say  nothing  of  the  magnificent  air  with  which 
he  indoctrinated  his  eager  and  confiding  pupils  upon  the 
subject.  At  length  his  imp  of  a  clerk  bore  the  precious 
result  of  his  master's  labours  to  Saffron  Hill,  in  the  shape 
of  an  "  opinion,"  three  times  as  long  as,  and  indescribably 
more  difficult  to  understand  than,  the  opinion  of  Mr.  Mort- 
main, and  which,  if  it  demonstrated  any  thing  beyond  the 
prodigious  cram  which  had  been  undergone  by  its  writer 
for  the  purpose  of  producing  it,  demonstrated  this — 
namely,  that  neither  the  party  indicated  by  Mr.  Mortmain, 
nor  the  one  then  actually  in  possession,  had  any  more 
right  to  the  estate  than  the  aforesaid  Mr.  Frankpledge ; 
but  that  the  happy  individual  so  entitled  was  some  third 
person.  Messrs.  Quirk  and  Gammon  hummed  and  haw- 
ed a  good  deal  on  perusing  these  contradictory  opinions 
of  counsel  learned  in  the  law  ;  and  the  proper  result  fol- 
lowed— i.  e.  a  "  consultation,"  which  was  to  solder  up 
all  the  differences  between  Mr.  Mortmain  and  Mr.  Frank- 
pledge, or  at  all  events  strike  out  some  light  which  might 
guide  their  clients  on  their  adventurous  way. 

Now  Mr.  Mortmain  had  been  Mr.  Quirk's  conveyancer 
for  about  three  years  ;  and  Quirk  was  ready  to  suffer 
death  in  defence  of  any  opinion  of  Mr.  Mortmain.  Mr. 
Gammon  swore  by  Frankpledge,  who  was  his  brother-in- 
law,  and  of  course  a  "  rising  man."  Mortmain  belonged 
to  the  old  school — Frankpledge  steered  by  the  new  lights. 
The  former  could  point  to  hundreds  of  cases  in  the  Law 
Reports  which  had  been  ruled  according  to  his  opinion/ 
and  some  fifty  that  had  been  overruled  thereby  ;  the  latter, 
although  he  had  been  only  five  years  in  practice,  had  writ- 
ten an  opinion  which  led  to  a  suit  which  had  ended  in  a 
difference  of  opinion  between  the  Court  of  King's  bench 
and  the  Common  Pleas,  the  credit  of  having  done  which 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  77 

was  realJy  not  a  bit  tarnished  by  the  decision  of  a  Court  of 
Error,  without  hearing  the  other  side,  against  the  opinion 
of  Mr.  Frankpledge.     But 

Mr.  Frankpledge  quoted  so  many  cases,  and    went   to 
the  bottom  of  every  thing — and  was  .90  civil. 

Well,  the  consultation  came  off,  at  length,  at  Mr.  Mort- 
main's chambers,  at  eight  o'clock  in  the  evening.  A  few 
minutes  before  that  hour,  Messrs.  Quirk  and  Gammon 
were  to  be  seen  in  the  clerk's  room,  in  civil  conversation 
with  that  prim  functionary,  who  explained  to  them  that  he 
did  all  Mr.  Mortmain's  drafting,  pupils  were  50  idle  ;  that 
Mr.  Mortmain  did  not  score  out  much  of  what  he  (the 
aforesaid  clerk)  had  drawn ;  that  he  noted  up  Mr.  Mort- 
main's new  cases  for  him  in  the  reports,  Mr.  M.  having  so 
little  time ;  and  that  the  other  day  the  Vice  Chancellor 
called  on  Mr.  Mortmain,  with  several  other  matters  of  that 
sort,  calculated  to  enhance  the  importance  of  Mr.  Mort- 
main, who,  as  the  clerk  was  asking  Mr.  Gammon,  in  a 
good-natured  way,  how  long  Mr.  Frankpledge  had  been 
in  practice,  and  where  his  chambers  were,  made  his  ap- 
pearance, with  a  cheerful  look  and  a  bustling  gait,  having 
just  walked  down  from  his  house  in  Queen's  Square, 
(somewhere  in  the  wilds  of  Bedford  Square,  as  Mrs.  Gore 
delights  to  call  them,  in  her  West-End  pleasantry,)  with  a 
comfortable  bottle  of  old  port  on  board.  Shortly  after- 
wards, Mr.  Frankpledge  arrived,  followed  by  his  little 
clerk,  bending  beneath  two  bags  of  books,  (unconscious 
bearer  of  as  much  law  as  had  well  nigh  split  thousands  of 
learned  heads,  broken  tens  of  thousands  of  hearts,  in  the 
making  of,  being  destined  to  have  a  similar  but  far  greater 
effect  in  the  applying  of,)  and  the  consultation  began. 

As  Frankpledge  entered,  he  could  not  help  casting  a 
sheep's  eye  towards  a  table  that  glistened  with  such  an 
array  of"  papers,"  (a  tasteful  arrangement  of  Mr,  Mort- 
main's clerk  before  every  consultation,)  and  down  sate  the 
two  conveyancers  and  the  two  attorneys.  I  devoutly 
wish  I  had  time  to  describe  the  scene  at  length  ;  but  greater 
events  are  pressing  upon  me.  The  two  conveyancers 
fenced  with  one  another  for  some  time  very  guardedly 
and  good-humouredly ;  pleasant  was  it  to  observe  the  con- 
scious condescension  of  Mortmain,  the  anxious  energy 
and   volubility  of  Frankpledge.      When  Mr.  Mortmain 


78  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

said  any  thing  that  seemed  weighty  or  pointed,  Quirk 
looked  with  an  elated  air,  a  quick  triumphant  glance,  at 
Gammon ;  who,  in  his  turn,  whenever  Mr.  Frankpledge 
quoted  an  "  old  case"  from  Bendloe,  Godsbolt,  or  the  Year 
Books,  (which,  having  always  piqued  himself  in  his  almost 
exclusive  acquaintance  with  the  modern  cases,  he  made 
a  point  of  doing,)  gazed  at  Q,uirk  with  a  smile  of  placid 
superiority.  Mr.  Frankpledge  talked  almost  the  whole 
time:  Mr.  Mortmain,  immovable  in  the  view  of  the  case 
he  had  taken  in  his  "  opinion,"  listened  with  an  attentive, 
good-natured  air,  ruminating  pleasantly  the  while  upon 
the  quality  of  the  port  he  had  been  drinking,  (the  first  of 
the  bin  which  he  had  tasted,)  and  the  decision  which  the 
Chancellor  might  come  to  on  a  case  brought  into  court, 
on  his  advice,  and  which  had  been  argued  that  afternoon. 
At  last  Frankpledge  unwittingly  fell  foul  'of  a  favourite 
crotchet  of  Mortmain's — and  at  it  they  went,  hammer  and 
tongs,  for  nearly  twenty  minutes,  (it  had  nothing  what- 
ever to  do  with  the  case  they  were  commenting  upon.) 
In  the  end,  Mortmain  of  course  adhered  to  his  points,  and 
Frankpledge  entrenched  himself  in  his  books  ;  each  slight- 
ly yielded  to  the  views  of  the  other  on  immaterial  points, 
(or  what  could  have  appeared  the  use  of  the  consultation  1) 
but  did  that  which  both  had  resolved  upon  doing  from  the 
first,  i.  e.  sticking  to  his  original  opinion.  Both  had  talk- 
ed an  amazingly  deal  of  deep  law,  which  had  at  least  one 
effect,  viz.,  it  fairly  drowned  both  Quirk  and  Gammon, 
who,  as  they  went  home,  with  not  (it  must  be  owned)  the 
clearest  perceptions  in  the  world  of  what  had  been  going  on, 
(though,  before  going  to  the  consultation,  each  had  really 
known  a  good  deal  about  the  case,)  stood  each  stoutly  by 
his  conveyancer's  opinion,  each  protesting  that  he  had 
never  been  once  misled — Quirk  by  Mortmain,  or  Gammon 
by  Frankpledge — and  each  resolved  to  give  his  man  more 
of  the  business  of  the  House  than  he  had  before.  I  grieve 
to  add  that  they  parted  that  night  with  a  trifle  less  of  cor- 
diality than  had  been  their  wont.  In  the  morning,  how- 
ever, this  little  irritation  and  competition  had  passed  away  ; 
and  they  agreed,  before  giving  up  the  case,  to  take  the 
final  opinion  of  Mr.  Tresayle — the  great  Mr.  Tresayle. 
He  was,  indeed,  a  wonderful  conveyancer — a  perfect 
miracle  of  real- property  law-learning.     He  had  such  an 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  79 

enormous  practice  for  forty-five  years,  that  for  the  last  ten 
he  had  never  put  his  nose  out  of  chambers  for  pure  want  of 
time,  and  at  last  of  inclination  ;  and  had  been  so  conver- 
sant  with  Norman   French  and  law  Latin,    in  the  old 
English  letter,  that  he  had  almost  entirely  forgotten  how 
to  write  the  modern  English  character.   His  opinions  made 
their  appearance  in  three  different  kinds  of  handwriting. 
First,  one  that  none  but  he  and  his  old  clerk  could  make 
out ;  secondly,  one  that  none  but  he  himself  could  read  ; 
and  thirdly,  one  that  neither  he,  nor  his  clerk,  nor  any  one 
on  earth  could  decipher.     The  use  of  any  one  of  these 
styles  depended  on — the  difficulty  of  the  case  to  be  an- 
swered.    If  it  were  an  easy  one,  the  answer  was  very  ju- 
diciously put  into  No.  I ;  if  rather  difficult,  it,  of  course, 
went  into  No.  II ;   and  if  exceedingly  difficult,  (and  also 
important,)  it  was  very  properly  thrown  into  No.  Ill ;  being 
a  question  that  really  ought  not  to  have  been  asked,  and 
did  not  deserve  an  answer.     The  fruit  within  these  un- 
couth shells,  however,  was  precious,  Mr.  Tresayle's  law 
was  supreme  over  every  body's  else.     It   was  currently 
reported  that  Lord  Eldon  even  (who  was  himself  slightly 
acquainted  with  such  subjects)  reverently  deferred  to  the 
authority  of  Mr.  Tresayle;  and  would  lie  winking  and 
knitting  his  shaggy  eyebrows  half  the  night,  if  he  thought 
that  Mr.  Tresayle's  opinion  on  a  case  and  his  own  differ- 
ed.    This  was  the  great  authority,  to  whom,  as  in  the  last 
resort,  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and   Snap,  resolved  to 
appeal.     To  his  chambers  they,  within  a  day  or  two  after 
their  consultation  at  Mr.  Mortmain's,   despatched   their 
case,  with  a  highly  respectable  fee,  and  a  special  compli- 
ment to  his  clerk,  hoping  to  hear  from  that  awful  quarter 
within  two  months — which  was  the  earliest  average  period 
within  which  Mr.  Tresayle's  opinions  found  their  way  to 
his  patient  but  anxious  clients.     It   came,  at  length,  with 
a  note  from  Mr.  Faithful,  his  clerk,  intimating  that  they 
would  find  him  at  chambers  the  next  morning,  prepared 
to  explain  the  opinion   to  them  ;   having  just  had  it  read 
over  to  him  by  Mr.  Tresayle,  for  it  proved  to  be  in  No.  II. 
The  opinion  occupied  about  two  pages;  and  the   hand- 
writing bore  a  strong  resemblance  to  Chinese,  or  Arabic, 
with  a  quaint  intermixture  of  the  Uncial  Greek  character 
— it  was  impossible  to  contemplate  it  without  a  certain 


80  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

feeling  of  awe  !  In  vain  did  old  Quirk  squint  at  it,  from  all 
quarters,  for  nearly  a  couple  of  hours  (having  first  called 
in  the  assistance  of  a  friend  of  his,  an  old  attorney  of  fifty 
years'  standing);  nay — even  Mr.  Gammon,  foiledat  length, 
could  not  for  the  life  of  him  refrain  from  a  soft  curse  or 
two.  Neither  of  them  could  make  any  thing  of  it — (as  for 
Snap,  they  never  showed  it  to  to  him ;  it  was  not  within 
his  province — i.  e.  the  Insolvent  Debtor's  Court,  the  Old 
Bailey,  the  Clerkenwell  Sessions,  the  inferior  business  of 
the  Common  Law  Courts,  and  the  worrying  of  the  clerks 
of  the  office — a  department  in  which  he  was  perfection 
itself.) 

To  their  great  delight,  Mr.  Tresayle's  opinion  complete- 
ly corroborated  Mr.  Mortmain's,  (neither  whose  nor  Mr. 
Frankpledge^  had  been  laid  before  him.)  Nothing  could 
be  more  terse,  perspicuous,  and  conclusive  than  the  great 
man's  opinion.  Mr.  Quirk  was  in  raptures,  and  imme- 
diately set  out  for  an  engraving  of  Mr.  Tresayle,  which 
had  lately  come  out,  for  which  he  paid  5s.,  and  ordered  it 
to  be  framed  and  hung  up  in  his  own  room,  where  already 
grinned  a  quaint  resemblance  in  black  profile,  of  Mr. 
Mortmain.  In  special  good-humuor  he  assured  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, (who  was  plainly  somewhat  crestfallen  about  Mr. 
Frankpledge,)  that  every  body  must  have  a  beginning; 
and  he  (Quirk)  had  been  once  only  a  beginner. 

Once  fairly  on  the  scent,  Messrs.  Quirk  and  Gammon 
soon  began  secretly  but  energetically,  to  push  their  in- 
quiries in  all  directions.  They  discovered  that  Gabriel 
Tittlebat  Titmouse,  having  spent  the  chief  portion  of  his 
blissful  days  as  a  cobbler  at  Whitehaven,  had  died  in  Lon- 
don, somewhere  about  the  year  1792  or  1793.  At  this 
point  they  stood  for  a  long  while,  in  spite  of  two  adver- 
tisements, to  which  they  had  been  driven  with  the  greatest 
reluctance,  for  fear  of  attracting  the  attention  of  those 
most  interested  in  thwarting  them.  Even  that  part  of  the 
affair  had  been  managed  somewhat  skilfully.  It  was  a 
stroke  of  Gammon's  to  advertise  not  for  "  Heir  at  Law," 
but  *'  Next  of  Kin"  as  the  reader  has  seen.  The  former 
might  have  challenged  a  notice  of  unfriendly  curiosity, 
which  the  latter  was  hardly  calculated  to  attract.  At 
length—at  the  "third  time  of  asking" — up  turned  Tittle- 
bat Titmouse,  in  the  way  which  we  have  seen.     His  rela- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  81 

tionship  with  Mr.  Gabriel  Tittlebat  Titmouse  was  indis- 
putable; in  fact  he  was  that  "deceased  person's"  heir-at- 
law.  The  reader  may  guess  the  chagrin  of  Mr.  Gammon 
at  the  appearance,  manner,  and  character  of  the  person 
whom  he  fully  believed,  on  first  seeing  him  at  Messrs. 
Dowlas's,  to  be  the  rightful  owner  of  the  fine  estates  held 
by  one  who,  as  against  Mr.  Titmouse,  had  no  more  real 
title  to  them  than  had  Mr.  Tagrag ;  and  for  whom  their 
house  was  to  undertake  the  very  grave  responsibility  of 
instituting  such  proceedings  as  would  be  requisite  to  place 
Mr.  Titmouse  in  the  position  which  they  believed  him  en- 
titled to  occupy — having  to  encounter  a  hot  and  despe- 
rate opposition  at  every  point,  from  those  who  had  nine- 
tenths  of  the  law — to  wit,  possession — on  their  side,  on 
which  they  stood  as  upon  a  rock ;  and  with  immense  means 
for  carrying  on  the  war  defensive. 

That  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  did  not  con- 
template undertaking  all  this,  without  having  calculated 
upon  its  proving  well  worthy  their  while,  was  only  rea- 
sonable. They  were  going  voluntarily  to  become  the 
means  of  conferring  immense  benefits  upon  one  who  was 
a  total  stranger  to  them — who  had  not  a  penny  to  expend 
upon  the  prosecution  of  his  own  rights.  Setting  aside 
certain  difficulties  which  collected  themselves  into  two 
awkward  words,  Maintenance  and  Champerty,  and  stared 
them  in  the  face  whenever  they  contemplated  any  obvious 
method  of  securing  the  just  reward  of  their  enterprise  and 
toils — setting  aside  all  this,  I  say,  it  might  turn  out,  only 
after  a  ruinous  expenditure,  that  the  high  authorities  which 
had  sanctioned  their  proceedings,  in  point  of  law,  had  ex- 
pressed their  favourable  opinions  on  a  state  of  facts, 
which,  however  plain  and  compact  they  looked  on  paper, 
could  not  be  properly  substantiated,  if  keenly  sifted,  and 
determinedly  resisted.  All  this,  too — all  their  time,  la- 
bour, and  money,  to  go  for  nothing — on  behalf  of  a  vul- 
gar, selfish,  ignorant,  presumptuous,  ungrateful  puppy, 
like  Titmouser  Well  indeed,  therefore,  might  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, as  we  have  seen  he  did,  give  himself  and  partners  a 
forty-eight  hours'  interval  between  his  interview  with  Tit- 
mouse and  formal  introduction  to  the  firm,  in  which  to 
consider  their  position  and  mode  of  procedure.  The  taste 
of  his  quality  which  that  first  interview  afforded  them  all 


82 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 


— so  far  surpassing  all  that  the  bitter  description  of  him 
given  to  them  by  Mr.  Gammon  had  prepared  them  for — 
filled  them  with  inexpressible  disgust,  and  would  have  in- 
duced them  to  throw  up  the  whole  affair — so  getting  rid 
both  of  it  and  him  together.  But  then,  on  the  other  hand, 
there  were  certain  very  great  advantages,  both  of  a  pro- 
fessional and  even  directly  pecuniary  kind,  which  it 
would  have  been  madness,  indeed,  for  any  office  lightly  to 
throw  away.  It  was  really,  after  all,  an  unequal  struggle 
between  feeling  and  interest.  If  they  should  succeed  in 
unseating  the  present  wrongful  possessor  of  a  very  splen- 
did property,  and  putting  in  his  place  the  rightful  owner, 
by  means  alone  of  their  own  professional  ability,  perse- 
verance, and  heavy  pecuniary  outlay,  (a  fearful  conside- 
ration, truly  !)  what  recompense  could  be  too  great  for 
such  resplendent  services  ?  To  say  nothing  of  the  eclat 
which  it  would  gain  for  their  office,  in  the  profession  and 
in  the  world  at  large,  and  the  substantial  and  permanent 
advantages,  if,  as  they  ought  to  be,  they  were  entrusted 
with  the  general  management  of  the  property  by  the  new 
and  inexperienced,  and  confiding  owner — ay,  but  there 
was  the  rub !  What  a  disheartening  and  disgusting  spe- 
cimen of  such  new  owner  had  disclosed  itself  to  their 
anxiously  expecting  but  soon  recoiling  eyes — always, 
however,  making  due  allowances  for  one  or  two  cheering 
indications,  on  Mr.  Titmouse's  part,  of  a  certain  rapacious 
and  litigious  humour,  which  might  pleasantly  and  profitably 
occupy  their  energies  for  some  time  to  come  !  Their  po- 
sition and  interests  had  long  made  them  sharp  observers  ; 
but  when  did  low  and  disgusting  qualities  ever  before 
force  themselves  into  such  revolting  prominence,  as  his  had 
done,  in  the  very  moment  of  an  expected  display  of  the 
better  feelings  of  human  nature — such  as  enthusiastic 
gratitude?  They  had  in  their  time  to  deal  with  some 
pleasant  specimens  of  humanity,  to  be  sure — but  where 
any  more  odious  and  impracticable  than  Tittlebat  Tit- 
mouse threatened  to  prove  himself?  What  hold  could 
they  get  upon  such  a  character  as  his?  Beneath  all  his 
coarseness  and  weakness,  there  was  a  glimmer  of  low 
cunning,  which  might,  cseteris  paribus,  keep  their  superior 
and  practised  astuteness  in  full  play.  These  were  diffi- 
culties, cheerless  enough    in   the   contemplation,    truly ; 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  83 

but,  nevertheless,  the  partners  could  not  bear  the  idea  of 
escaping  from  them  by  throwing  up  the  affair  altogether. 
Then  came  the  question — How  were  they  to  manage  Tit- 
mouse?— how  acquire  an  early  and  firm  hold  of  him,  so 
as  to  convert  him  into  a  capital  client !  His  fears  and 
his  interests  were  obviously  the  engines  with  which  their 
experienced  hands  were  to  work  ;  and  several  long  and 
most  anxious  consultations  had  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap,  had  on  this  important  matter.  The  first  great 
question  with  them  was — To  what  extent,  and  when  they 
should  acquaint  him  with  the  nature  of  his  expectations  1 
Gammon  was  for  keeping  him  comparatively  in  the 
dark,  till  success  was  within  reach  ;  during  that  interval, 
(which  might  be  a  long  one,)  by  alternately  stimulating 
his  hopes  and  fears ;  by  habituating  him  to  an  entire  de- 
pendence on  them ;  by  persuading  him  of  the  extent  of 
their  exertions  and  sacrifices  on  his  behalf — they  might 
do  something ;  mould  him  a  little  into  shape  fit  for  their 
purposes ;  and  persuade  him  that  his  affairs  must  needs 
go  to  ruin,  but  in  their  hands.  Something  like  this  was 
the  scheme  of  the  cautious,  acute,  and  placid  Gammon. 
Mr.  Quirk  thought  thus : — tell  the  fellow  at  once  the  whole 
extent  of  what  we  can  do  for  him,  viz.,  turn  a  half-starv- 
ing linen-draper's  shopman  into  the  owner  of  £10,000  a- 
year,  and  a  great  store  of  ready  money.  This  will,  in  a 
manner,  stun  him  into  submission,  and  make  him  at  once 
and  for  all  what  we  want  him  to  be.  He  will  immediately 
fall  prostrate  with  reverent  gratitude — looking  at  us, 
moreover,  as  three  gods,  who  at  our  will,  can  shut  him 
out  of  heaven.  That's  the  way,  said  Mr.  Quirk  ;  and  Mr. 
Quirk  had  been  forty  years  in  practice — had  made  the 
business  what  it  was — still  held  half  of  it  in  his  own 
hands  (two-thirds  of  the  remaining  half  being  Gammon's, 
and  the  residue  Snap's) ;  and  Gammon,  moreover,  had  a 
very  distinct  perception  that  the  funds  for  carrying  on  the 
war  would  come  out  of  the  tolerably  well-stored  pockets 
of  their  senior  partner.  So,  after  a  long  discussion,  he 
openly  yielded  his  opinion  to  that  of  Mr.  Quirk, — cherish- 
ing, however,  no  very  warm  respect  for  it  in  his  own  bo- 
som. As  for  Snap,  that  distinguished  member  of  the  firm 
was  very  little  consulted  in  the  matter  ;  which  had  not  yet 
been  brought  into  that  stage  where  his  powerful  energies 


84  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

could  come  into  play.  He  had  of  course,  however,  heard 
a  good  deal  of  what  was  going  on ;  and  knew  that  ere- 
long there  would  be  the  copying  out  and  serving  of  the 
lord  knows  how  many  copies  of  declarations  in  ejectment, 
motions  against  the  casual  ejector,  and  so  forth — he  was 
quite  up  to  all  those  quaint  and  anomalous  proceedings. 
Well,  it  was  agreed  that  the  communication  to  Titmouse, 
on  his  first  interview,  of  the  full  extent  of  his  splendid  ex- 
pectations, should  depend  upon  the  discretion  of  Mr. 
Quirk.  The  reader  has  seen  the  unexpected  turn  which 
matters  took  upon  that  important  occasion  ;  and  if  it 
proved  Quirk's  policy  to  be  somewhat  inferior  in  point  of 
discretion  and  long-sightedness  to  that  of  Gammon,  still  it 
must  be  owned  that  the  latter  had  cause  to  admire  the 
rapid  generalship  with  which  the  consequences  of  Quirk's 
false  move  had  been  retrieved  by  him — not  ill  seconded 
by  Snap.  What  could  have  been  more  judicious  than 
his  reception  of  Titmouse,  on  the  occasion  of  his  being 
led  in  again  by  the  subtle  Gammon  ] 

The  next  and  greatest  matter  was,  how  to  obtain  any 
hold  upon  such  a  person  as  Titmouse,  so  as  to  secure  to 
themselves,  in  the  event  of  success,  the  remuneration  to 
which  they  considered  themselves  entitled.  Was  it  so  per- 
fectly clear  that,  if  he  felt  disposed  to  resist  it,  they  could 
compel  him  to  pay  the  mere  amount  of  their  bill  of  costs  1 

Suppose  he  should  turn  round  upon  them,  and  have 
their  Bill  Taxed — Quirk  grunted  with  fright  at  the  bare 
thought.  Then  there  was  a  slapping  quiddam  honora- 
rium extra — undoubtedly  for  that  they  must,  they  feared, 
trust  to  the  honour  and  gratitude  of  Titmouse;  and  a 
pretty  taste  of  his  quality  they  had  already  experienced ! 
Such  a  disposition  as  his  to  have  to  rely  upon  for  the 
prompt  settlement  of  a  bill  of  thousands  of  pounds  of  costs  ; 
and,  besides  that,  to  have  it  to  look  to  for  the  payment 
of  at  least  some  five  thousand  pounds  douceur — nay, 
and  this  was  not  all.  Mr.  Quirk  had  as  well  as  Mr. 
Gammon,  cast  many  an  anxious  eye  on  the  following 
passages  from  a  certain  work  entitled  Blackstone's  Com- 
mentaries : 

11  Maintenance  is  an  officious  intermeddling  in  a  suit 
that  no  way  belongs  to  one,  by  «  maintaining'  or  assisting 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-VEAR.  85 

either  party  with  money,  or  otherwise,  to  prosecute  or 
defend  it.**  It  is  an  offence  against  public  justice^ as 
it  keeps  alive  strife  and  contention,  and  perverts  the  re- 
medial process  of  the  law  into  an  engine  of  oppression.** 
The  punishment  by  common  law  is  fine  and  imprison- 
ment, and  by  statute  32,  Hen.  VIII.  c.  9,  a  forfeiture  of 
£10!" 

"Champerty — (campi  partitlo) — is  a  species  of  main- 
tenance, and  punished  in  the  same  manner  ;  being  a  bar- 
gain with  a  plaintiff  or  defendant  '  campum  partiri,'  to 
divide  the  land,  or  other  matter  sued  for,  between  them, 
if  they  prevail  at  law;  whereupon  the  champertor  is  to 
carry  on  the  suit  at  his  own  expense.**  These  pests  of 
civil  society,  that  are  perpetually  endeavouring  to  disturb 
the  repose  of  their  neighbours,  and  officiously  interfering 
in  other  men's  quarrels,  even  at  the  hazard  of  their  own 
fortunes,  were  severely  animadverted  on  by  the  Roman 
law  ;  and  they  were  punished  by  the  forfeiture  of  a  third 
part  of  their  goods,  and  perpetual  infamy." 

These  are  pleasant  passages. 

Many  were  the  conversations  and  consultations  which 
the  partners  had  had  with  Messrs.  Mortmain  and  Frank- 
pledge respectively,  upon  the  interesting  question,  whether 
there  were  any  mode  of  at  once  securing  themselves 
against  the  ingratitude  of  Titmouse,  and  protecting  them- 
selves against  the  penalties  of  the  law.  It  made  Mr. 
Quirk's  bald  head  even  flush  all  over  whenever  he  thought 
of  their  bill  being  taxed,  or  contemplated  himself  the  in- 
mate of  a  prison,  (above  all,  at  his  advanced  time  of  life,) 
with  mournful  leisure  to  meditate  upon  the  misdeeds  that 
had  sent  him  thither,  to  which  profitable  exercise  the 
legislature  would  have  specially  stimulated  him  by  a  cer- 
tain fine  above  mentioned.  As  for  Gammon,  he  knew 
there  must  be  a  way  of  doing  the  thing  somehow  or 
another;  for  his  friend  Frankpledge  felt  infinitely  less  diffi- 
culty in  the  way  than  Mortmain,  whom  he  considered  a 
timid  and  old-fashioned  practitioner. 

The  courts,  he  said,  were  now  setting  their  faces 
strongly  against  the  doctrine  of  Maintenance,  as  being 
founded  on  a  bygone  state  of  things,  (cessanle  ratione 
cessat  et  ipsa  lex,  was  his  favourite  maxim.)     There  was 

VOL.  I.  8 


86  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

no  wrong  without  a  remedy,  he  said ;  and  was  there  not 
wrong  in  the  case  of  a  poor  man  wrongfully  deprived  of 
his  own!  And  how  could  this  be  remedied,  if  the  old  law 
of  Maintenance  stood  like  a  bugbear  in  the  way  of  humane 
and  spirited  practitioners  ?  Was  no  one  to  be  able  to 
take  up  the  cause  of  the  oppressed,  encouraged  by  the 
prospect  of  an  ample  recompense!  If  it  was  said — let 
the  claimant  sue  in  forma  pauperis :  but  then  he  must 
swear  that  he  is  not  worth  five  pounds ;  and  a  man  may 
not  be  able  to  take  that  oath,  and  yet  be  unequal  to  the 
commencement  of  a  suit  requiring  the  outlay  of  thousands. 
Moreover,  a  pretty  prospect  it  w#s  for  such  a  suitor,  {in 
forma  pauperis,)  if  he  should  happen  to  be  nonsuited — to 
be  "  put  to  his  election,  whether  to  be  whipped  or  pay 
the  costs."*  Thus  reasoned  within  himself  that  astute 
person,  Mr.  Frankpledge ;  and  at  length  satisfied  himself 
that  he  had  framed  an  instrument  which  would  "  meet 
the  case" — that  "  would  hold  water."  I  am  not  very  well 
versed  in  legal  matters ;  but  to  the  best  of  my  recollec- 
tion it  was  something  in  the  nature  of  a  bond,  conditioned 
to  pay  the  sum  often  thousand  pounds  to  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,  within  two  months  of  Titmouse's 
being  put  into  possession  of  the  rents  and  profits.  The 
condition  of  that  bond  was,  as  its  framer  believed,  drawn 
in  a  masterly  manner,  and  his  draft  was  lying  before 
Messrs.  Q,uirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  on  the  Wednesday 
morning — i.  e.  the  day  after  Titmouse's  interview  with 
them — and  had  succeeded  at  length  in  exciting  the  appro- 
bation of  Mr.  Quirk  himself;  when — whew  ! — down  came 
a  note  from  Mr.  Frankpledge,  to  the  effect  that,  "  since 
preparing  the  draft  bond,"  he  had  "  had  reason  slightly 
to  modify  his  original  opinion,"  owing  to  his  "  having  lit 
upon  a  late  case,"  in  which  an  instrument  precisely  simi- 
lar to  the  one  which  he  had  prepared  for  his  admiring 
clients,  had  been  held  totally  "  ineffectual  and  void  both 
at  law  and  in  equity."  I  say,  Mr.  Frankpledge^  note 
was  to  that  effect ;  for  so  ingeniously  had  he  framed  it — 
so  effectually  concealed  his  retreat  beneath  a  little  cloud 
of  contradictory  authorities,  like  as  the  ink-fish,  they  say, 

*  Blackstone,  vol.  iii.  p.  400,  where  it  is  stated,  however,  "  that 
practice  is  now  disused." 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  87 

eludeth  its  pursuers — that  his  clients  cursed  the  law,  not 
their  draftsman :  and,  moreover,  by  prudently  withhold- 
ing the  name  of  the  "  late  case,"  he  at  all  events,  for  a 
while,  had  prevented  their  observing  that  it  was  senior  to 
some  eight  or  ten  cases  which  (indefatigable  man !)  he 
had  culled  for  them  out  of  the  legal  garden,  and  arrayed 
on  the  back  of  the  draft.  Slightly  disconcerted  were 
Messrs.  Quirk  and  Gammon,  it  may  be  believed,  at  this 
new  view  of  the  "  result  of  the  authorities."  "  Mortmain 
is  always  right !"  said  Quirk,  looking  hard  at  Gammon  ; 
who  observed  simply  that  one  day  Frankpledge  would  be 
as  old  as  Mortmain  then  was,  by  which  time  (thought  he) 
I  also  know  where  you  will  be,  myxoid  friend,  if  there's 
any  truth  in  the  Scriptures !  In  this  pleasant  frame  of 
mind  were  the  partners,  when  the  impudent  apparition  of 
Huckaback  presented  itself,  in  the  manner  which  has  been 
described.  Huckaback's  commentary  on  the  disgusting 
text  of  Titmouse  overnight,  (as  a  lawyer  would  say,  in 
analogy  to  a  well-known  term,  "  Coke  upon  Littleton,") 
produced  an  effect  upon  their  minds  which  may  be  guessed 
at.  It  was  while  their  minds  were  under  these  two  sooth- 
ing influences,  i.  e.  of  the  insolence  of  Huckaback  and  the 
vacillation  of  Frankpledge,  that  Mr.  Gammon  had  penned 
the  note  to  Titmouse,  (surely,  under  the  circumstances, 
one  of  extraordinary  temperance  and  forbearance,)  which 
had  occasioned  Titmouse  the  agonies  which  I  have  been 
attempting  faintly  to  describe; — and  that  Quirk,  summon- 
ing Snap  into  the  room,  had  requested  him  to  give  orders 
for  denial  to  Titmouse  if  he  should  again  make  his  ap- 
pearance at  the  office;  which  injunction  Snap  forthwith 
delivered  in  the  clerk's  room,  in  a  tone  and  manner  that 
were  a  model  of  the  imperative  mood. 

A  day  or  two  afterwards,  Mr.  Quirk,  (who  was  a  man 
that  stuck  like  a  limpet  to  a  rock  to  any  point  which  oc- 
curred to  him,)  in  pouring  over  that  page  in  the  fourth 
volume  of  Blackstone's  Commentaries,  where  were  to  be 
found  the  passages  which  have  been  already  quoted,  (and 
which  both  Quirk  and  Gammon  had  long  had  off  by  heart,) 
as  he  sate  one  day  at  dinner,  at  home,  whither  he  had 
taken  the  volume  in  question,  fancied  he  had  at  last  hit 
upon  a  notable  crotchet,  which,  the  more  he  thought  of, 
the  more  he  was  struck  with  ;  determining  to  pay  a  visit 
in  the  morning  to  Mr.  Mortmain.     The  spark  of  light  that 


88  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

had  twinkled  till  it  kindled  in  the  tinder  of  his  mind,  was 
struck  by  his  hard  head  out  of  the  following  sentence  of 
the  text  in  question  : — 

"  A  man  may,  however,  maintain  the  suit  of  his  near 
kinsman,  servant,  or  poor  neighbour,  out  of  charity  and 
compassion,  with  impunity;  otherwise,  the  punishment 
is,"  &c.  &c. 

Now,  it  seemed  to  Mr.  Quirk,  that  the  words  which  I 
have  placed  in  italics  and  small  capitals,  exactly  met  the 
case  of  poor  Tittlebat  Titmouse.  He  stuck  to  that  view 
of  the  case,  till  he  almost  began  to  think  that  he  really  had 
a  kind  of  a  sort  of  a  charity  and  compassion  for  poor 
Tittlebat — kept  out  of  his  rights — tyrannized  over  by  a 
vulgar  draper  in  Oxford  Street — where,  too,  no  doubt,  he 
was  half-starved.  "  It's  a  great  blessing  that  one's  got 
the  means  —  and  the  inclination,  to  serve  one's  poor 
neighbours" — thought  Quirk,  as  he  slowly  swallowed 
another  glass  of  the  wine  that  maketh  glad  the  heart  of 
man — and  also  softens  it ; — for  the  more  he  drank,  (what 
else  had  he  to  enjoy  1 — for  he  had  been  a  widower,)  the 
more  and  more  pitiful  became  his  mood — the  more  sensi- 
tive was  he  to  compassionate  suggestions ;  and  by  the 
time  that  he  had  finished  the  decanter,  he  was  actually  in 
tears.  These  virtuous  feelings  brought  their  own  reward, 
too — for,  from  time  to  time  they  conjured  up  the  faint 
image  of  a  bond  conditioned  for  the  payment  of  ten  thou- 
sand pounds  ! 

To  change  the  metaphor  a  little — by  the  time  that  old 
Quirk  had  reached  his  office  in  the  morning,  the  heated 
iron  had  cooled ;  if  his  heart  had  retained  any  of  the 
maudlin  softness  of  the  preceding  evening,  the  following 
pathetic  letter  from  Titmouse  might  have  made  a  very  deep 
impression  upon  it,  and  fixed  him  in  the  benevolent  and 
disinterested  mind  of  the  old  lawyer,  as  indeed  his  "  poor 
neighbour."  The  following  is  an  exact  copy  of  it.  It 
had  been  written  by  Titmouse,  all  out  of  his  own  head  ; 
and  with  his  own  hand  had  he  left  it,  at  a  late  hour  on  the 
night  before. 

"  To  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap. 

"  Gents, 
"  Yr  Esteem'd  Favour  his  now  before  Me,  which  must 
say  have  Given  me  Much  Concern,  seeing  I  Thought  it 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  89 

was  All  Made  up  betwixt  us  That  was  of  Such  an  Un- 
pleasant Nature  on  Tuesday  night  (ultimo)  wh  I  most 
humbly  Own  (and  Acknowledge)  was  all  alone  and  in- 
tirely  of  my  Own  Fault,  and  Not  in  the  Least  Your's 
which  behaved  to  me,  Must  say,  in  the  most  Respectful 
and  superior  manner  that  was  possible  to  think  Of,  for  I 
truly  Say  I  never  was  In  the  Company  of  Such  Imminent 
and  Superior  Gents  before  In  my  Life  wh  will  take  my 
Oath  sincerely  Of,  Gents.  Please  to  consider  the  Brandy 
(wh  do  think  ivas  Uncommon  stiff)  such  a  flustrum  As  I 
Was  In  before,  to,  wh  was  Evident  to  All  of  Us  there  then 
Assemblid  and  very  natral  like  to  be  the  Case  Seeing  I 
have  nevir  known  what  Peas  of  Mind  was  since  I  behaved 
in  Such  a  Oudaclous  way  wh  truly  was  the  case  I  can't 
Deny  to  Such  Gents  as  Yourselfs  that  were  doing  me 
such  Good  Fortune  And  Kindness  to  me  as  it  would  Be 
a  Dreadful  sin  and  shame  (such  as  Trust  I  can  never  be 
Guilty  of)  to  be  (wh  am  not)  and  never  Can  Be  insensible 
Of,  Gents  do  Consider  all  this  Favourably  because  of  my 
humble  Amends  wh  I  here  Make  with  the  greatest  Trou- 
ble in  my  Mind  that  I  have  Had  Ever  Since,  it  was  all  of 
the  Sperrits  I  Tooke  wh  made  me  Go  On  at  such  a  Rate 
wh  was  always  (beg  to  Assure  yr  respe  house)  the  Case 
Since  my  birth  when  I  took  Sperrits  near  so  little  Since 
I  had  the  Measles  when  I  was  3  Years.  Old  as  I  Well  Re- 
collect and  hope  it  will  be  Born  in  Mind  what  is  Often 
Said,  and  I'm  sure  I've  read  it  Somewhere  Else  that  Peo- 
ple that  is  Drunk  Always  speaks  the  Direct  Contrarywise 
of  their  True  and  Real  Thoughts,  (wh  am  Certain  never 
w7as  any  Thing  Truer  in  my  case)  so  as  I  get  the  Money  or 
What  not,  do  whatever  you  like  wh  are  quite  welcome  to 
Do  if  you  please,  and  No  questions  Asked,  don't  Mind 
saying  by  The  Way  It  shall  Be  As  Good  as  <£200  note  in 
The  way  of  your  Respe  House  if  I  Get  the  Estate  of  wh 
am  much  in  want  of.  Mr.  Gamon  (wh  is  the  most  Up* 
right  gent  that  ever  I  came  across  in  All  my  Life)  will  tell 
you  that  I  Was  Quite  Cut  up  when  he  came  After  me  in 
that  kind  Way  and  told  him  Then  how  I  loved  yr  Re* 
specte  House  and  would  do  all  In  My  power  to  Serve 
You,  which  see  if  I  don't,  I  was  in  Such  a  rage  with  the 
Fellow  (He's  only  in  a  Situation  in  Tottenham  C  :  Road) 
Huckaback  which  is  his  true  name  it  was  an  oudaciom 

8* 


90  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

thing",  and  have  given  him  such  a  precious  Good  hiding 
last  Night  as  you  never  saw  when  on  his  Bendid  Knees 
He  asked  the  pardon  of  your  Respectable  House,  sayg 
nothing  Of  Me  wh  wd  not  allow  because  I  said  I  would 
Not  Forgive  Him  because  he  had  not  injured  me:  But 
you,  wh  I  wonder  at  his  Impudence  in  Calling  on  Profes- 
sional Gents  like  you,  if  I  get  The  Estate  shall  never 
cease  to  Think  well  of  you  and  mean  While  how  full  of 
Trouble  I  am  Often  Thinking  Of  Death  which  is  the  End 
of  Every  Thing  And  then  in  that  Case  who  will  the  Pro- 
perty Go  to  Seeing  I  Have  never  a  Brother  or  Sister  Be- 
hind me.  And  Therefore  Them  That  wd  Get  it  I  Feel 
Sure  of  wd  Not  do  So  Well  by  you  (if  You  will  Only  be- 
lieve me)  So  Gents.  This  is  All  at  present  That  I  will 
Make  so  Bold  to  trouble  you  With  about  my  Unhappy 
Affairs  Only  to  say  that  am  used  most  Intolerably  Bad 
now  In  The  Shop  quite  Tyranicall  And  Mr  Tagrag  as  Set 
Them  All  Against  Me  and  I  shall  Never  Get  another  Si- 
tuatn  for  want  of  a  Charr  which  he  will  give  me  sayg 
nothg  at  Present  of  the  Sort  of  Victules  wh  give  me  Now 
to  Eat  Since  Monday  last,  For  Which  am  Sure  the  Devil 
must  have  Come  In  to  That  Gentleman  (Mr  Tagrag,  he 
was  only  himself  in  a  situation  in  Holborn  once,  getts  the 
Business  by  marryg  the  widow  wh  wonder  At  for  he  is 
nothing  particular  to  Look  At.)    I  am  yrs 

"Humbly  to  Command  Till 
Death  (always  Humbly  Begging  pardon  for  the  bad  Con- 
duct wh  was  guilty  of  when  In  Liquor  Especially  On  an 
Empty  Stomach,  Having  Taken  Nothing  all  that  Day  ex- 
cepting what  I  could  not  Eat,) 

"  Your's  most  Respy 

"  Tittlebat  Titmouse. 
"  P.  S.  Will  Bring  That  young  Man  with  Tears  In  his 
Eyes  to  Beg  yr  pardon  Over  again  If  You  Like  wh  will 
Solemnly  Swear  if  Required  That  he  did  It  all  of  His  own 
Head  And  that  Have  given  it  him  For  it  in  the  Way  That 
is  Written  Above  And  humbly  Trust  You  Will  make  Me 
So  happy  Once  more  by  Writing  To  Me  (if  it  is  only  a 
Line)  to  say  You  have  Thought  No  more  of  it.  T.  T.  No 
9  Closet  Ct.  Oxford  Street.     H-7-182-." 

This  touching  epistle,  I  was  saying,  might  have  brought 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  91 

tears  into  Mr.  Quirk's  eyes,  if  he  had  been  used  to  the 
melting  mood,  which  he  was  not ;  having  never  been  seen 
to  shed  a  tear  but  once — when  five-sixths  of  his  little  bill 
of  costs  (£195,  15s.  4d.)  were  taxed  off  in  an  action  on  a 
Bill  of  Exchange  for  £20.  As  it  was,  he  tweedled  the 
letter  about  in  his  hands  for  about  five  minutes,  in  a 
musing  mood,  and  then  stepped  with  it  into  Mr.  Gam- 
mon's room.  That  gentleman  took  the  letter  with  an  air 
of  curiosity,  and  read  it  over  ;  at  every  sentence  (if  indeed 
a  sentence  was  in  it)  bursting  into  soft  laughter. 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha !"  he  laughed   on  concluding  it — "  a  co- 
mical gentleman,  Mr.  Titmouse,  upon  my  honour !"    v 

"  Funny — isn't  it  rather  ?"  interposed  Mr.  Quirk,  stand- 
ing with  his  hands  fumbling  in  his  breeches  pockets. 
"  What  a  crawling,  despicable  rascal ! — ha,  ha,  ha  !" 
"  Why — I   don't  quite  say  that,  either,"   said   Quirk, 
doubtingly — "  I — don't  exactly  look  at  it  in  that  light." 

"  My  dear  sir  !"  exclaimed  Gammon,  leaning  back  in 
his  chair,  and  laughing  rather  heartily — at  least  for  him." 
"  You  can't  leave  off  that  laugh  of  yours,"  said  Quirk, 
a  little  tartly ;  "  but  I  must  say  I  don't  see  any  thing  in 
the  letter  to  laugh  at  so  particularly.  It  is  written  in  a 
most  respectful  manner,  and  shows  a  proper  feeling  to- 
wards the  House." 

"  Ay  !  see  how  he  speaks  of  me  .'"  interrupted  Gammon, 
with  such  a  smile. 

"  And  doesn't  he  speak  so  of  me  !  and  all  of  us  3 
"  He'll  let  the  House  tread  on  him  till  he  can  tread  on 
the  House,  I  dare  say." 

"  But  you  must  own,  Mr.  Gammon,  it  shows  we've 
licked  him  into  shape  a  bit — eh  V1 

"  Oh,  it's  a  little  vile  creeping  reptile  now,  and  so  it 
will  be  to  the  end  of  the  chapter — of  our  proceedings ; 
and  when  we've  done  every  thing — really  Mr.  Quirk  !  if 
one  were  apt  to  lose  one's  temper,  it  would  be  to  see 
such  a  thing  as  that  put  into  possession  of  such  a  for- 
tune." 

"  That  may  be,  Mr.  Gammon ;  but  I  really— trust — 

I've  a  higher  feeling — to  right — the  injured" He 

could  go  no  further. 

"  Hem  !"  exclaimed  Gammon. 


92  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

The  parties  smiled  at  one  another.  A  touch,  or  an 
attempted  touch  at  disinterestedness — and  at  Quirk's  time 
of  life ! 

"  But  he's  now  in  a  humour  for  training,  at  all  events 
— isn't  he?"  exclaimed  Quirk — "we've  something  now  to 
go  to  work  upon — gradually." 

"  Isn't  that  a  leaf  out  of  my  book,  Mr.  Quirk  1  isn't  that 
exactly  what" — 

11  Well,  well — what  does  it  signify ;"  interrupted  Quirk, 
rather  petulantly — "  I've  got  a  crotchet  that'll  do  for  us, 
yet,  about  the  matter  of  law,  and  makes  all  right  and 
tight, — so  I'm  going  to  Mortmain." 

"  I've  got  a  little  idea  of  my  own  of  that  sort,  Mr. 
Quirk,"  said  Gammon — "  I've  got  an  extract  from  Co- 
Litt — .  I  can't  imagine  how  either  of  them  could  have 
missed  it,  and,  as  Frankpledge  dines  with  me  to-day  we 
shall  talk  it  all  over.  But,  by  the  way,  Mr.  Quirk,  I 
should  say,  with  all  deference,  that  we'll  take  no  more 
notice  of  this  fellow  till  we've  got  some  screw  tight 
enough." 

"  Why — all  that  may  be  very  well ;  but  you  see,  Gam- 
mon, the  fellow  seems  the  real  heir,  after  all — and  if  he 
don't  get  it,  no  one  can  ;  and  if  he  don't — we  don't,  eh?" 

"  There's  a  very  great  deal  of  force  in  that  observation, 
Mr.  Quirk,"  said  Gammon  emphatically  : — and'  tolerably 
well  pleased  with  one  another,  they  parted.  If  Quirk 
might  be  compared  to  an  old  file,  Gammon  was  the  oil! — 
so  they  got  on,  in  the  main,  very  well  together.  It  hardly 
signifies  what  was  the  result  of  their  interviews  with  their 
two  conveyancers.  They  met  in  the  morning  on  ordinary 
business ;  and  as  each  made  no  allusions  whatever  to  the 
"  crotchet"  of  the  day  before,  it  may  be  inferred  that  each 
had  been  satisfied  by  his  conveyancer  of  having  found  a 
mare's  nest. 

"  I  think,  by  the  way,"  said  Mr.  Gammon  to  Mr. 
Quirk,  before  they  parted  on  the  previous  evening,  "  it 
may  be  as  well,  all  things  considered,  to  acknowledge  the 
receipt  of  the  fellow's  note — eh? — Can't  do  any  harm, 
you  know,  and  civility  costs  nothing — hem  !" 

"  The  very  thing  I  was  thinking  of,"  replied  Quirk,  as  he 
always  did  on  hearing  any  suggestion  from  Mr  Gammon, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  93 

So  by  that  night's  post  was  dispatched  (post-paid)  the 
following  note  to  Mr.  Titmouse  : 

"  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap  have  the  pleasure 
of  acknowledging  the  receipt  of  Mr.  Titmouse's  polite 
letter  of  last  night's  date ;  and  earnestly  beg  that  he  will 
not  distress  himself  about  the  little  incident  that  occurred 
at  their  office  on  Tuesday  night,  and  which  they  assure 
him  they  have  quite  forgotten.  They  made  all  allowances, 
however  their  feelings  suffered  at  the  time.  They  beg 
Mr.  T.  will  give  them  credit  for  not  losing  sight  of  his 
interests,  to  the  best  of  their  ability,  obstructed  as  they 
are,  however,  by  numerous  serious  difficulties.  If  they 
should  be  in  any  degree  hereafter  overcome,  he  may  rest 
assured  of  their  promptly  communicating  with  him ;  and 
till  then  they  trust  Mr.  T.  will  not  inconvenience  himself 
by  calling  on  or  writing  to  them. 

-  Saffron  Hill,  15th  July,  182-. 

"  P.  S. — Messrs.  Q,.  G.  and  S.  regret  to  hear  that  any 
unpleasantness  has  arisen  (Gammon  could  hardly  write 
for  laughing)  between  Mr.  Titmouse  and  his  friend  Mr. 
Hicklebagle,  who,  they  assure  him,  manifested  a  very 
warm  interest  on  behalf  of  Mr.  T.,  and  conducted  himself 
with  the  greatest  propriety  on  the  occasion  of  his  calling 
upon  Messrs.  Q,.  G.  and  S.  They  happened  at  that  mo- 
ment to  be  engaged  in  matters  of  the  highest  importance ; 
which  will,  they  trust,  explain  any  appearance  of  abrupt- 
ness they  might  have  exhibited  towards  that  gentleman. 
Perhaps  Mr.  Titmouse  will  be  so  obliging  as  to  intimate 
as  much  to  Mr.  Hickerbag." 

There  was  an  obvious  reason  for  this  polite  allusion  to 
Huckaback.  Gammon  thought  it  very  possible  that  that 
gentleman  might  be  in  Mr.  Titmouse's  confidence,  and 
exercise  a  powerful  influence  over  him  hereafter ;  and 
which  influence  Messrs.  Q,.  G.  and  S.  might  find  it  well 
worth  their  while  to  secure*  beforehand. 

The  moment  that  Titmouse,  with  breathless  haste,  had 
read  over  this  mollifying  document,  which  being  directed 
to  his  lodgings  correctly,  he  of  course  did  not  obtain  till 
about  ten  o'clock,  he  hastened  to  his  friend  Huckaback. 
That  gentleman,  who  seemed  now  virtually  recognised 
by  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon  and  Snap,  as  Titmouse's  con- 


94  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

fidant,  shook  his  head  ominously,  exclaiming — "  Blarney, 
blarney  !"  and  a  bitter  sneer  settled  on  his  disagreeable 
features,  till  he  had  read  down  to  the  postscript ;  the  peru- 
sal of  which  effected  a  sudden  change  in  his  feelings.  He 
declared,  with  a  great  oath,  that  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap,  were  "  perfect  gentlemen,"  and  would  "  do  the 
right  thing,  Titmouse  might  depend  upon  it ;"  an  assurance 
which  greatly  cheered  Titmouse,  to  whose  keen  discern- 
ment it  never  once  occurred  to  refer  Huckaback's  altered 
tone  to  the  right  cause,  viz.,  the  lubricating  quality  of  the 
postscript;  and  since  Titmouse  did  not  allude  to  it,  no 
more  did  Mr.  Huckaback,  although  his  own  double  mis- 
nomer stuck  a  little  in  his  throat.  So  effectual,  indeed, 
had  been  that  most  skilful  postscript  upon  the  party  whom 
it  had  been  aimed  at,  that  he  exerted  himself  unceasingly 
to  revive  Titmouse's  confidence  in  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam- 
mon, and  Snap ;  and  so  far  succeeded,  that  Titmouse 
returned  to  his  lodgings  at  a  late  hour,  a  somewhat  hap- 
pier, if  not  a  wiser  man  than  he  had  left  them.  By  the 
time,  however,  that  he  had  got  into  bed,  having  once  more 
spelt  over  the  note  in  question,  he  felt  as  despondent  as 
ever,  and  thought  that  Huckaback  had  not  known  what 
he  had  been  talking  about.  He  also  adverted  to  an  appa- 
rently careless  allusion  by  Huckaback  to  the  injuries 
which  had  been  inflicted  upon  him  by  Titmouse  on  the 
Wednesday  night:  and  which,  by  the  way,  Huckaback 
determined  it  should  be  no  fault  of  his  if  Titmouse  easily 
forgot !  He  hardly  knew  why — but  he  disliked  this  parti- 
cularly. Whom  had  he,  however,  in  the  world,  but  Huck- 
aback ?  In.  company  with  him  alone,  Titmouse  felt  that 
his  pent-up  feelings  could  discharge  themselves.  Hucka- 
back had  certainly  a  wonderful  knack  of  keeping  up  Tit- 
mouse's spirits,  whatever  cause  he  fancied  he  might  really 
have  for  depression.  In  short,  he  longed  for  the  Sunday 
morning — ushering  in  a  day  of  rest  and  sympathy.  Tit- 
mouse would  indeed  then  have  to  look  back  upon  an 
agitating  and  miserable  week,  what  with  the  dismal  upset- 
ting of  his  hopes,  in  the  manner  I  have  described,  and  the 
tyrannical  treatment  he  experienced  at  Dowlas  and  Co's. 
Mr.  Tagrag  began,  at  length,  in  some  degree,  to  relax  his 
active  exertions  against  Titmouse,  simply  because  of  the 
trouble  it  gave  him  to  keep  them  up.     He  attributed  the 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAH.  95 

pallid  cheek  and  depressed  manner  of  Titmouse  entirely 
to  the  discipline  which  had  been  inflicted  upon  him  at  the 
shop,  and  was  gratified  at  perceiving  that  all  his  other 
young  men  seemed,  especially  in  his  presence,  to  have 
imbibed  his  hatred  of  Titmouse.  What  produced  in  Tag- 
rag  this  hatred  of  Titmouse!  Simply  what  had  taken 
place  on  the  Monday.  Mr.  Tagrag's  dignity  and  power 
had  been  doggedly  set  at  nought  by  one  of  his  shopmen, 
who  had  since  refused  to  make  the  least  submission,  or 
offer  any  kind  of  apology.  Such  conduct  struck  at  the 
root  of  subordination  in  his  establishment.  Again,  there 
is  perhaps  nothing  in  the  world  so  calculated  to  enrage  a 
petty  and  vulgar  mind  to  the  highest  pitch  of  malignity, 
as  the  calm  persevering  defiance  of  an  inferior,  whom  it 
strives  to  despise,  while  it  is  only  hating,  which  it  at  the 
same  time  feels  to  be  the  case.  Tagrag  now  and  then 
looked  towards  Titmouse,  as  he  stood  behind  the  counter, 
as  if  he  could  have  murdered  him.  Titmouse  attempted 
once  or  twice,  during  the  week,  to  obtain  a  situation  else- 
where, but  in  vain.  He  could  expect  no  character  from 
Tagrag;  and  when  the  10th  of  August  should  have  ar- 
rived, what  was  to  become  of  him?  These  were  the 
kind  of  thoughts  often  passing  through  his  mind  during 
the  Sunday,  which  he  and  Huckaback  spent  together  in 
unceasing  conversation  on  the  one  absorbing  event  of  the 
last  week.  Titmouse,  poor  puppy,  had  dressed  himself 
with  just  as  much  care  as  usual ;  but  as  he  was  giving 
the  finishing  touches  at  his  toilet,  pumping  up  grievous 
sighs  every  half  minute,  the  sum  of  his  reflections  might 
be  stated  in  the  miserable  significance  of  a  quaint  saying 
of  Poor  Richard's, — "  How  hard  is  it  to  make  an  empty 
sack  stand  upright !" 

Although  the  sun  shone  as  vividly  and  beautifully  as 
on  the  preceding  Sunday,  to  Titmouse's  saddened  eye 
there  seemed  a  sort  of  gloom  every  where.  Up  and  down 
the  Park  he  and  Huckaback  walked,  towards  the  close  of 
the  afternoon  ;  but  Titmouse  had  not  so  elastic  a  strut  as 
before.  He  felt  empty  and  sinking.  Every  body  seemed 
to  know  what  a  sad  pretender  he  was :  and  they  quitted 
the  magic  circle  much  earlier  than  had  been  usual  with 
Titmouse.  What  with  the  fatigue  of  a  long  day's  saunter, 
the  vexation  of  having  had  but  a  hasty,  inferior,  and  un- 


9G  TEN  THOUSAND  A-VEAR. 

refreshing  meal,  which  did  not  deserve  the  name  of  dinner, 
and  their  unpleasant  thoughts,  both  seemed  depressed  as 
they  walked  along  the  streets.  At  length  they  arrived  at 
the  open  doors  of  a  gloomy-looking  building,  into  which 
two  or  three  sad  and  prim-looking  people  were  entering. 
After  walking  a  few  paces  past  the  door — "  D'ye  know, 
Huck,"  said  Titmouse,  stopping,  "  I've  often  thought  that 
— that — there's  something  in  Religion." 

"  To  be  sure  there  is,  for  those  that  like  it — who 
doubts  it  1  It's  all  very  well  in  its  place,  no  doubt,"  replied 
Huckaback,  with  much  surprise,  which  increased,  as  he 
felt  himself  slowly  being  swayed  round  towards  the  build- 
ing in  question.     "  Well,  but  what  of  that?" 

"  Oh,  nothing;  but — hem!  hem!"  replied  Titmouse, 
sinking  his  voice  to  a  whisper — "  a  touch  of — religion — 
would  not  be  so  much  amiss,  just  now.  I  feel — uncom- 
mon inclined  that  way,  somehow." 

"  Religion's  all  very  well  for  them  that  has  much  to  be 
thankful  for  ;  but  devil  take  me  !  what  have  either  you  or 
me  to  be  " 

"But,  Huck — how  do  you  know  but  we  might  get 
something  to  be  thankful  for,  by  praying — I've  often  heard 
of  great  things  ; — Come." 

Huckaback  stood  for  a  moment  irresolute,  twirling 
about  his  cane,  and  looking  rather  distastefully  towards 
the  dingy  building.  "  To  be  sure,"  said  he,  faintly.  Tit- 
mouse drew  him  nearer;  but  he  suddenly  started  back. — 
11  No  !  oh,  'tis  only  a  meeting  house,  Tit !  Curse  Dissen- 
ters, how  I  hate  'em  !  No — I  won't  pray  in  a  meeting- 
house, let  me  be  bad  as  I  may.  Give  me  a  regular-like, 
respectable  church,  with  a  proper  steeple,  and  parson,  and 
prayers,  and  all  that." 

Titmouse  secretly  acknowledged  the  force  of  these  ob- 
servations ;  and  the  intelligent  and  piously  disposed  couple, 
with  perhaps  a  just,  but  certainly  a  somewhat  sudden 
regard  for  orthodoxy,  were  not  long  before  they  had  found 
their  way  into  a  church  where  evening  service  was  being 
performed.  They  ascended  the  gallery  stairs  ;  and  seeing 
no  reason  to  be  ashamed  of  being  at  church,  down  they 
both  went,  with  loud  clattering  steps  and  a  bold  air,  into  the 
very  central  seat  in  the  front  of  the  gallery,  which  hap- 
pened to  be  vacant.     Titmouse  paid  a  most  exemplary 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  97 

attention  to  what  was  going  on,  kneeling,  sitting,  and 
standing  with  exact  propriety,  in  the  proper  places  ;  join- 
ing audibly  in  the  responses,  and  keeping  his  eyes  pretty 
steadily  on  the  prayer-book,  which  he  found  lying  there. 
He  even  rebuked  Huckaback  for  whispering  during  one 
of  the  most  solemn  parts  of  the  service,  that  "  there  was 
a  pretty  gal  in  the  next  pew  !" — He  thought  that  the  cler- 
gyman was  an  uncommon  fine  preacher,  and  said  some 
things  that  he  must  have  meant  for  him  (Titmouse)  in 
particular. 

"  Curse  me,  Hucky  !"  said  he  heatedly,  as  soon  as  they 
quitted  the  church,  and  were  fairly  in  the  street — "  Curse 
me  if — if— ever  I  felt  so  comfortable-like  in  my  mind 
before,  as  I  do  know — I'll  go  next  Sunday  again." 

"  Lord,  Tit,  you  don't  really  mean — it's  deuced  dull." 

"  Hang  me  if  I  don't,  though  !  and  if  any  thing  should 
come  of  it — if  I  do  but  get  the  estate.  I  wonder  now, 
where  Mr.  Gammon  goes  to  church — I  should  like  to 
know  ! — I'd  go  there  regularly.  But  if  I  do  get  the  thing — 
you  see  if  I  don't." 

"Ah,  I  don't  know;  it's  not  much  use  praying  for 
money,  Tit ;  I've  tried  it  myself,  once  or  twice,  but  it 
didn't  answer." 

"  I'll  take  my  oath  you  was  staring  at  the  gals  all  the 
while,  Hucky !" 

"  Ah,  Titty  !"  Huckaback  winked  his  eye,  and  put  the 
tip  of  his  forefinger  to  the  tip  of  his  nose,  and  laughed. 


VOL.  I. 


98  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 


CHAPTER  III. 

Titmouse  continued  in  what  he  doubtless  imagined  to 
be  a  devout  frame  of  mind,  for  several  minutes  after  quit- 
ting the  church,  at  the  door  of  which  I  left  him.  But 
close  by  the  aforesaid  church,  the  devil  had  a  thriving 
little  establishment,  in  the  shape  of  a  cigar-shop :  in  which 
a  showily  dressed  young  Jewess  sat  behind  the  counter, 
right  underneath  a  glaring  gas-light — with  a  thin  stripe 
of  greasy  black  velvet  across  her  forehead,  and  long  ring- 
lets that  rested  on  her  shoulders — bandying  slang  with 
two  or  three  other  such  puppies  as  Titmouse  and  Hucka- 
back. Our  friends  entered  and  purchased  a  cigar  a-piece, 
which  they  lit  on  the  spot ;  and  after  each  of  them  had 
exchanged  an  impudent  wink  with  the  Jewess,  out  they 
went,  puffing  away — all  the  remains  of  their  piety  !  When 
they  had  come  to  the  end  of  their  cigars,  they  parted, 
each  speeding  homeward.  Titmouse,  on  reaching  his 
lodgings,  sunk  into  profound  depression.  He  felt  an  awful 
conviction  that  his  visit  to  the  cigar-shop  had  entirely 
spoiled  the  effect  of  his  previous  attendance  at  the  church, 
and  that,  if  so  disposed,  he  might  now  sit  and  whistle  for 
his  ten  thousand  a-year.  Thoughts  such  as  these  drove 
him  nearly  distracted.  If,  indeed,  he  had  foreseen  having 
to  go  through  such  another  week  as  the  one  just  over,  I 
think  it  not  impossible  that  before  the  arrival  of  the  ensu- 
ing Sunday,  Mr.  Titmouse  might  have  afforded  a  little 
employment  to  that  ancient  but  gloomy  functionary,  a 
coroner,  and  his  jury.  At  that  time,  however,  inquests 
of  this  sort  were  matter-of-fact  and  melancholy  affairs 
enough  ;  which  I  doubt  not  would  have  been  rather  a 
dissuasive  from  suicide,  in  the  estimation  of  one  who 
might  be  supposed  ambitious  of  the  eclat  of  a  modern  in- 
quest ;  where,  indeed,  such  strange  antics  are  played  by 
certain  new  performers  as  would  suffice  to  revive  the 
corpse,  (if  it  were  a  corpse  that  had  ever  had  a  spark  of 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  99 

sense  or  spirit  in  it,)  and  make  it  kick  the  coroner  out  of 
the  room.  But  to  one  of  so  high  an  ambition  as  Tittlebat 
Titmouse,  how  delightful  would  it  not  have  been,  to  an- 
ticipate becoming  (what  had  been  quite  impracticable 
during  life)  the  object  of  public  attention  after  his  death — 
by  means  of  a  flaming  dissertation  by  the  coroner  upon 
his  own  zeal  and  spirit — the  nature  and  extent  of  his 
rights,  powers,  and  duties  ; — when  high  doctors  are  brow- 
beaten, the  laws  set  at  defiance,  and  public  decency  pluck- 
ed by  the  beard,  and  the  torn  and  bleeding  hearts  of  sur- 
viving relatives  still  further  agonized  by  an  exposure, 
all  quivering  under  the  recent  stroke,  to  the  gaping  vul- 
gar !  Indeed,  I  sometimes  think  that  the  object  of  certain 
coroners  now-a-days  is  twofold, — first,  public-— to  disgust 
people  with  suicide,  by  showing  what  horrid  proceedings 
will  take  place  over  their  carcasses  ;  and  secondly,  private 
— to  get  the  means  of  studying  anatomy  by  post  mortem*, 
which  the  said  coroner  never  could  procure  in  his  own 
practice  ;  which  enable  us  to  account  for  some  things 
one  has  lately  seen,  viz  :  that  if  a  man  come  to  his  death 
by  means  of  a  wagon  crushing  his  legs,  the  coroner  in- 
stitutes an  exact  examination  of  the  structure  of  the 
lungs  and  heart.  I  take  it  to  be  now  getting  into  a  rule — 
the  propriety  whereof,  some  people  think,  cannot  be 
doubted — namely,  that  bodies  ought  now  to  be  opened 
only  to  prove  that  they  ought  not  to  have  been  opened  ; 
an  inquest  must  be  held,  in  order  to  demonstrate  that  it 
need  not  have  been  held,  except  that  certain  fees  thereby 
find  their  way  into  the  pocket  of  the  aforesaid  coroner, 
which  would  otherwise  not  have  done  so.  In  short,  such 
a  coroner  as  I  have  in  my  eye  may  be  compared  to  a 
great  ape  squatting  on  a  corpse,  furiously  chattering  and 
spitting  all  around  it ;  and  I  am  glad  that  it  hath  at  last 
had  wit  enough  first  to  shut  the  door  before  proceeding 
to  its  horrid  tricks. 

Touching  the  moral  of  suicide,  it  is  the  way  which 
some  have  of  cutting  the  Gordian  knot  of  the  difficulties 
of  life ;  which  having  been  done,  possibly  the  very  first 
thing  that  Is  made  manifest  to  the  spirit,  after  taking  its 
mad  leap  in  the  dark,  is — how  very  easily  the  said  knot 
might  have  been  untied  ;  nay,  that  it  was  on  the  very 
•point  of  being  untied,  if  the  impatient  spirit  had  stayed 


100  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

only  a  moment  longer  : — a  dismal  discovery,  which  may 
excite  ineffable  grief  at  the  folly  and  horror  of  the  crime 
of  which  such  spirit  has  been  guilty.     But  ah  !  it  is  too 
late !     The  triumphant  fiend  has  secured  his  victim.     I 
said  that  it  was  not  impossible  that  Mr.  Titmouse  might, 
under  the  circumstances  alluded  to,  have  done  the  deed 
which  has  called  forth  the  above  very  natural  and  pro- 
found reflections  ;  but,  upon  the  whole,  it  is  hardly  pro- 
bable, for  he  knew  that  by  doing  so  he  would  (first)  irre- 
parably injure  society,  by  depriving  it  of  an  enlightened 
and  invaluable  member;  (secondly,)  inflict  great  indignity 
on  his  precious  body,  of  which,  during  life,  he  had  always 
taken  the  most  affectionate  care,  by  securing  for  it  a 
burial  in  a  cross  road,  at  night  time,  with  a  stake  run 
through  it,*  and  moreover,  peril  the  little  soul  that  had 
just  leaped  out  of  it,  by  not  having  any  burial  service  said 
over  his  aforesaid  remains ;  and  (lastly)  lose  all  chance  of 
enjoying  Ten  Thousand  a- Year — at  least  upon  earth.     I 
own  I  was  a  little  startled  (as  I  dare  say  was  the  reader) 
at  a  passage  of  mournful  significance  in  Mr.  Titmouse's 
last  letter  to  Messrs.  Q,uirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  viz. : 
"  How  full  of  trouble  I  am,  often  thinking  of  death,  which 
is  the  end  of  every  thing ;"  but  on  carefully  considering 
the  context,  I  am  disposed  to  think  that  the  whole  was 
only  a  device  of  Titmouse's,  either  to  rouse  the  fears,  or 
stimulate  the  feelings,  or  excite  the  hopes,  of  the  three 
arbiters  of  his  destiny  to  whom  it  was  addressed.     Mr. 
Gammon,  he  thought,  might  be  thereby  moved  to  pity ; 
while  Mr.  Quirk  would  probably  be  operated  upon  by 
fears,  lest  the  sad  contingency  pointed  at  might  deprive 
the  house  of  one  who  would  richly  repay  their  exertions ; 
and  by  hopes  of  indefinite  advantage,  if  they  could  by  any 
means  prevent  its  happening.     I  have  often  questioned 
Titmouse  on  the  subject,  but  he  would  only  wink  his  eye, 
and  say  that  he  "  knew  what  to  be  at"  as  well  as  any 
one  !     That  these  gentlemen  really  did  keenly  scrutinize, 
and  carefully  weigh  every  expression  in  that  letter,  ridi- 
culous as  it  was,  and  contemptible  as,  I  fear,  it  showed 

*  A  very  learned  person  tells  me  that  this  mode  of  treating-  the 
remains  of  a /e/o  de  se,  though  prevailing  at  the  time  when  the  events 
oocurred  which  are  above  narrated,  was  soon  afterwards  (i.  e.  on  the 
8th  of  July,  1823)  abolished  by  Act  of  Parliament. 


TEN  THOUSAND   A-YEAR.  101 

its  writer  to  be,  is  certain ;  but  it  did  not  occur  to  them 
to  compare  with  it,  at  least,  the  spirit  and  intention  of 
their  own  answer  to  it.  Did  the  latter  document  contain 
less  cunning  and  insincerity,  because  it  was  couched'  in 
somewhat  superior  phraseology  1  They  could  conceal 
their  selfish  and  overreaching  designs,  while  poor  Tit- 
mouse exposed  all  his  little  mean-mindedness  and  hypo- 
crisy, simply  because  he  had  not  learned  how  to  conceal 
it  effectually.  'Twas  indeed  a  battle  for  the  very  same 
object,  but  between  unequal  combatants.  Each  was  try- 
ing to  take  the  other  in.  If  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and 
Snap  despised  and  loathed  the  man  to  whom  they  exhi- 
bited such  anxious  courtesy,  Titmouse  hated  and  feared 
those  whom  his  interests  compelled  him  for  a  while  to 
conciliate.  Was  there,  in  fact,  a  pin  to  choose  between 
them — except,  perhaps,  that  Titmouse  was,  in  a  manner, 
excused  by  his  necessities  1  But,  in  the  meanwhile,  his 
circumstances  were  becoming  utterly  desperate.  He 
continued  to  endure  great  suffering  at  Mr.  Tagrag's 
during  the  day — the  constant  butt  of  the  ridicule  and  in- 
sult of  his  amiable  companions,  and  the  victim  of  his  em- 
ployer's vile  spirit  of  hatred  and  oppression.  His  spirit, 
(such  as  it  was,)  in  short,  was  very  nearly  broken.  Though 
he  seized  every  opportunity  that  offered  to  inquire  for 
another  situation,  he  was  unsuccessful  !  for  all  whom  he 
applied  to  spoke  of  the  strict  character  they  should  require, 
"  before  taking  a  new  hand  into  their  establishment."  His 
occupation  at  nights,  after  quitting  the  shop,  was  twofold 
only — either  to  call  upon  Huckaback,  (whose  sympathy, 
however,  he  was  exhausting  rapidly.)  or  solace  his  feel- 
ings by  walking  down  to  Saffron  Hill,  and  lingering  about 
the  closed  office  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap — 
there  was  a  kind  of  gratification  even  in  that !  He  once 
or  twice  felt  flustered  even  on  catching  a  glimpse  of  the 
old  housekeeper  returning  from  some  little  errand.  How- 
he  would  have  rejoiced  to  get  into  her  good  graces,  and 
accompany  her  into  even  the  kitchen — when  he  would  be 
in  the  premises,  and  conversing  with  one  of  the  establish- 
ment of  those  who  he  believed  could,  with  a  stroke  of 
their  pens,  turn  this  wilderness  of  a  world  into  a  paradise 
for  him  !  But  he  dared  not  make  any  overtures  in  that 
9* 


102  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

quarter,  for  fear  of  their   getting  to  the  notice  of  the 
dreaded  Messrs/  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap. 

At  length,  no  more  than  three  or  four  shillings  stood 
between  him  and  utter  destitution  ;  and  the  only  person 
in  the  world  whom  he  could  apply  to  for  even  the  most 
trivial  assistance,  was  Huckaback — whom,  however,  he 
knew  to  be  scarcely  any  better  off  than  himself;  and 
whom,  moreover,  he  felt  to  be  treating  him  more  and  more 
coldly,  as  the  week  wore  on  without  his  hearing  of  any 
the  least  tidings  from  Saffron  Hill.  Huckaback  evidently 
felt  now  scarcely  any  interest  or  pleasure  in  the  visits  of 
his  melancholy  friend,  and  was  plainly  disinclined  to  talk 
about  his  affairs.  At  length  he  quite  turned  up  his  nose 
with  disgust,  whenever  Titmouse  took  out  the  well-worn 
note  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  which  was 
almost  dropping  to  pieces  with  being  constantly  carried 
about  in  his  pocket,  taken  in  and  out,  and  folded  and  un- 
folded, for  the  purpose  of  conning  over  its  contents,  as  if 
there  might  yet  linger  in  it  some  hitherto  undiscovered 
source  of  consolation.  Poor  Titmouse,  therefore,  looked 
at  it  on  every  such  occasion  with  as  eager  and  vivid  an 
interest  as  ever ;  but  it  was  glanced  at  by  Huckaback 
with  a  half-averted  eye,  and  a  cold,  drawling,  yawning, 
"  Ya — a — as — I  see — I — dare — say !"  As  his  impressions 
of  Titmouse's  bright  prospects  were  thus  being  rapidly 
effaced,  his  smarting  recollections  of  the  drubbing  he  had 
received  became  distincter  and  more  frequent ;  his  feelings 
of  resentment  more  lively,  and  not  the  less  so,  because 
the  expression  of  them  had  been  stifled,  (while  he  had 
considered  the  star  of  Titmouse  to  be  in  the  ascendant,) 
till  the  time  for  setting  them  into  motion  and  action  had 
gone  by.  In  fact  the  presence  of  Titmouse,  suggesting 
such  thoughts  and  recollections,  became  intolerable  to 
Huckaback ;  and  Titmouse's  perceptions  (dull  as  they 
naturally  were,  but  a  little  quickened  by  recent  suffering, 
gave  him  more  and  more  distinct  notice  of  this  circum- 
stance, at  the  precise  time  when  he  meditated  applying  for 
the  loan  of  a  few  shillings.  These  feelings  made  him  as 
humble  towards  Huckaback,  and  as  patient  of  his  in- 
creasing rudeness  and  ill-humour,  as  he  felt  abject  towards 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap ;  for,  unless  he  could 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  103 

succeed  in  wringing  some  trifling  loan  from  Huckaback, 
(if  he  really  had  it  in  his  power  to  advance  him  any  thing,) 
he  could  not  conjecture  what  was  to  become  of  him. 
Various  faint  but  unadroit  hints  and  feelers  of  his  had 
been  thrown  away;  for  Huckaback  either  did  not,  or 
could  not,  comprehend  them.  But  at  length  a  sudden  and 
fearful  pressure  compelled  him  to  speak  out.  Gripe,  the 
collector,  called  one  morning  for  the  poor's  rates  due 
from  Mrs.  Squallop,  (Titmouse's  landlady,)  and  cleaned 
her  out  of  almost  every  penny  of  ready  money  which  she 
had  by  her.  This  threw  the  good  woman  upon  her  re- 
sources, to  replenish  her  empty  pocket — and  down  she 
came  upon  Titmouse — or  rather,  up  she  went  to  him  ;  for 
his  heart  sunk  within  him  one  night  on  his  return  from 
the  shop,  having  only  just  taken  off  his  hat  and  lit  his 
candle,  as  he  heard  the  fat  old  termagant's  well-known 
heavy  step  ascending  the  stairs,  and  approaching  nearer 
and  nearer  to  his  door.  Her  loud  imperative  single  knock 
vibrated  through  his  heart,  and  he  was  ready  to  drop. 

"  Oh,  Mrs.  Squallop!  How  d'ye  do,  Mrs.  Squallop  ?" 
commenced  Titmouse,  faintly,  when  he  had  opened  the 
door.  "  Won't  you  take  a  chair  ?"  offering  to  the  panting 
dame  almost  the  only  chair  he  had. 

"  No — I  ain't  come  to  stay,  Mr.  Titmouse,  because, 
d'ye  see,  in  coorse  you've  got  a  pound,  at  least,  ready  for 
me,  as  you  promised  long  ago — and  never  more  welcome; 
there's  old  Gripe  has  been  hereto-day,  and  had  his  hodious 
rates — (drat  the  poor,  say  I !  them  as  can't  work  should 
starve  ! — rates  is  a  robbery  !) — but  howsomdever  he's 
cleaned  me  out  to-day ;  so,  in  coorse,  I  come  up  to  you. 
Got  it  ?" 

"  I— I — I— 'pon  my  life,  Mrs.  Squallop,  I'm  uncommon 
sorry — " 

"  Oh,  bother  your  sorrow,  Mr.  Titmouse ! — out  with 
the  needful,  for  I  can't  stop  palavering  here." 

" 1— I  can't,  so  help  me !"  gasped  Titmouse,  with 

the  calmness  of  desperation. 

"  You  can't !  And  marry,  sir,  why  not,  may  I  make 
bold  to  ask  7"  inquired  Mrs.  Squallop,  after  a  moment's 
pause,  striving  to  choke  down  her  rage. 

"  P'r'aps  you  can  get  blood  out  of  a  stone,  Mrs.  Squallop ; 
it's  what  I  can't,"  replied  Titmouse,  striving  to  screw  his 


104  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

courage  up  to  the  sticking  place,  to  encounter  one  who 
was  plainly  bent  upon  mischief.  "  I've  got  two  shillings 
— there  they  are,"  throwing  them  on  the  table ;  "  and 
cuss  me  ifl've  another  rap  in  the  world  ;  there  ma'am!" 

•»  You're  a  liar,  then,  that's  flat !"  exclaimed  Mrs. 
Squallop,  slapping  her  hand  upon  the  table,  with  a  violence 
that  made  the  candle  quiver  on  it,  and  almost  fall  down. 
"  You  have  the  himperance"  said  she,  commencing  the 
address  she  had  been  preparing  in  her  own  mind  ever 
since  Mr.  Gripe  had  quitted  her  house,  "  to  stand  there 
and  tell  me  you've  got  nothing  in  the  world  but  them 
two  shillings !  Heugh !  Out  on  you,  you  oudacious 
fellow  ! — you  jack-a-dandy !  You  tell  me  you  haven't  got 
more  than  them  two  shillings,  and  yet  turns  out  every 
Sunday  morning  of  your  life  like  a  lord,  with  your  pins, 
and  your  rings,  and  your  chains,  and  your  fine  coat,  and 
your  gloves,  and  your  spurs,  and  your  dandy  cane — 
ough  !  you  whipper-snapper  !  You're  a  cheat — you're  a 
swindler,  jack-a-dandy !  You're  the  contempt  of  the 
whole  court,  you  are,  you  jack-a-dandy  !  You've  got  all 
my  rent  on  your  back,  and  have  had  every  Sunday  for 
three  months,  you  cheat ! — you  low  fellow  !-— you  ungrate- 
ful chap !  You're  a-robbing  the  widow  and  fatherless ! 
Look  at  me,  and  my  six  fatherless  children  down  there, 
you  good-for-nothing,  nasty,  proud  puppy  ! — eugh !  it 
makes  me  sick  to  see  you.  You  dress  yourself  out  like 
my  lord  mayor  !  You've  bought  a  gold  chain  with  my 
rent,  you  rascally  cheat !  You  dress  yourself  out  1 — Ha, 
ha  ! — you're  a  nasty,  mean-looking,  humpty-dumpty,  car- 
roty-headed— " 

"  You'd  better  not  say  that  again,  Mrs.  Squallop." 
"  Not  say  it  again !— ha,  ha  !  Hoighty-toighty,  carroty- 
haired  jack-a-dandy! — why,  you  hop-o-my-thumb  !  d'ye 
think  I  won't  say  whatever  I  choose,  and  in  my  own 
house]  You're  a  Titmouse  by  name  and  by  nature; 
there  ain't  a  cockroach  crawling  down  stairs  that  ain't 
more  respectable-like  -and  better  behaved  than  you. 
You're  a  himpudent  cheat,  and  dandy,  and  a  knave,  and 
a  liar,  and  a  red-haired  rascal — and  that  in  your  teeth ! 
Ough  !  Your  name  stinks  in  the  court.  You're  a-taking 
of  every  body  in  as  will  trust  you  to  a  penny's  amount. 
There's  poor  old  Cox,  the  tailor,  with  a  sick  wife  and 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  105 

children,  whom  you've  cheated  this  many  months,  all  of 
his  not  having  spirit  to  summon  you !  But  Til  set  him 
upon  you  ;  you  see  if  I  don't — and  I'll  have  my  own,  too, 
or  I  wouldn't  give  that  for  the  laws !"  shouted  Mrs. 
Squallop,  at  the  same  time  snapping  her  fingers  in  his 
face,  and  then  pausing  for  breath  after  her  eloquent 
invective. 

"  Now  what  is  the  use,"  said  Titmouse,  gently,  being 
completely  cowed — "  now  what  good  can  it  do  to  go  on 
in  this  way,  Mrs.  Squallop  ?" 

"  Missus  me  no  Missus,  Mr.  Titmouse,  but  pay  me  my 
rent,  you  jack-a-dandy !  You've  got  my  rent  on  your 
back,  and  on  your  little  fingers ;  and  I'll  have  it  off  before 
I've  done  with  you,  I  warrant  you.  I'm  your  landlady, 
and  I'll  sell  you  out ;  I'll  have  old  Thumbscrew  here  the 
first  thing  in  the  morning,  and  distrain  every  thing,  and 
you,  too,  you  jackdaw,  if  any  one  would  buy  you,  which 
they  won't !  I'll  have  my  rent  at  last ;  I've  been  too  easy 
with  you,  you  ungrateful  chap ;  for,  mark,  even  Mr.  Gripe 
this  morning  says,  '  haven't  you  a  gentleman  lodger  up 
above  1  get  him  to  pay  you  your  own,'  says  he ;  and  so  I 
will.  I'm  sick  of  all  this,  and  I'll  have  my  rights  !  Here's 
my  son,  Jem,  a  far  better  looking  chap  than  you,  though 
he  hasn't  got  hair  like  a  mop  all  under  his  chin,  and  he's 
obligated  to  work  from  one  week's  end  to  another  in  a 
paper  cap  and  fustian  jacket ;  and  you — you  painted 
jackanapes  !  But  now  I  have  got  you,  and  I'll  turn  you 
inside  out,  though  I  know  there's  nothing  in  you  !  But 
I'll  try  to  get  at  your  fine  coats,  and  spurs,  and  trowsers, 
your  chains  and  pins,  and  make  something  of  them  before 
I've  done  with  you,  you  jack-a-dandy  !"— and  the  virago 
shook  her  fist  at  him,  looking  as  though  she  had  not  yet 
uttered  even  half  that  was  in  her  heart  towards  him. 

Alas !  alas  !  unhappy  Titmouse,  much-enduring  son  of 
sorrow !  I  perceive  that  you  now  feel  the  sharpness  of 
an  angry  female  tongue ;  and  indeed  to  me,  not  in  the 
least  approving  of  the  many  coarse  and  heart-splitting 
expressions  which  she  uses,  it  seems  nevertheless  that 
she  is  not  very  far  off  the  mark  in  much  that  she  hath 
said ;  for,  in  truth,  in  your  conduct  there  is  not  a  little 
that  to  me,  piteously  inclined  towards  you  as  I  am,  yet 
appeareth   obnoxious  to  the  edge  of  this  woman's  re- 


106  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

proaches.  But  think  not,  O  bewildered  and  not-with- 
sufficient-distinctness-discerning-the-nature-of-things  Tit- 
mouse !  that  she  hath  only  a  sharp  and  bitter  tongue. 
In  this  woman  behold  a  mother,  and  it  may  be  that  she 
will  soften  before  you,  who  have  plainly,  as  I  hear,  neither 
father  nor  mother.     Oh  me  ! 

Titmouse  trembled  violently;  his  lips  quivered;  and  the 
long  pent-up  tears  forced  their  way  at  length  over  his 
eyelids,  and  fell  fast  down  his  cheeks. 

"Ay,  you  may  well  cry! — you  may!  But  it's  too 
late ! — it's  my  turn  to  cry  now !  Don't  you  think  that  I 
feel  for  my  own  flesh  and  blood,  that  is  my  six  children  1 
And  isn't  what's  mine  theirs  1  And  aren't  you  keeping 
the  fatherless  out  of  their  own?  It's  too  bad  of  you — it 
is !  and  you  know  it  is,"  continued  Mrs.  Squallop,  vehe- 
mently. 

"  They've  got  a  mother  to  take — care  of  them,"  Tit- 
mouse sobbed ;  "  but  there's  been  no  one  in  the — the — 
world  that  cares  a  straw  for  me— this  twenty — years !" 
He  fairly  wept  aloud. 

"  Well,  then,  more's  the  pity  for  you.  If  you  had,  they 
wouldn't  have  let  you  make  such  a  puppy  of  yourself — 
and  at  your  landlady's  expense,  too.  You  know  you're 
a  fool,"  said  Mrs.  Squallop,  dropping  her  voice  a  little ;  for 
she  was  a  mother,  after  all,  and  she  knewT  that  what  poor 
Titmouse  had  just  stated  was  quite  true.  She  tried  hard 
to  keep  up  the  fire  of  her  wrath,  by  forcing  into  her  thoughts 
every  aggravating  topic  against  Titmouse  that  she  could 
think  of:  but  it  became  every  moment  harder  and  harder 
to  do  so,  for  she  was  consciously  softening  rapidly  towards 
the  weeping  and  miserable  object  on  whom  she  had  been 
heaping  such  violent  and  bitter  abuse.  He  was  a  great 
fool,  to  be  sure ;  he  was  very  fond  of  fine  clothes — he 
knew  no  better — he  had,  however,  paid  his  rent  well 
enough,  till  lately — he  was  a  very  quiet,  well  disposed 
lodger,  for  all  she  had  known — he  had  given  her  youngest 
child  a  pear  not  long  ago.  Really,  she  thought,  I  may 
have  gone  a  little  too  far. 

"  Come— -it  ain't  no  use  crying  in  this  way.  It  won't 
put  money  into  your  pocket,  nor  my  rent  into  mine. 
You  know  you've  wronged  me,  and  I  must  be  paid,"  she 
added,  but  in  a  still  lower  tone.     She  tried  to  cough  away 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  107 

a  certain  rising  disagreeable  sensation  about  her  throat, 
that  kept  increasing;  for  Titmouse,  having  turned  his 
back  to  hide  the  extent  of  his  emotions,  seemed  half 
choked  with  suppressed  sobs. 

"  So  you  won't  speak  a  word — not  a  word — to  the 
woman  you've  injured  so  much  1"  inquired  Mrs.  Squallop, 
trying  to  assume  a  harsher  tone,  but  her  eyes  were  a 
little  obstructed  with  tears. 

"  I — I— can't  speak,"  sobbed  Titmouse ;  "  I— I  feel  ready 
to  drop — every  body  hates  me."  Here  he  paused ;  and 
for  some  moments  neither  spoke.  "  I've  been  kept  on  my 
legs  the  whole  day  about  the  town  by  Mr.  Tagrag,  and 
had  no  dinner.  I — I — wish  I  was  dead.'  I  do ! — you  may 
take  all  I  have— here  it  is" — continued  Titmouse,  pushing 
with  his  foot  towards  Mrs.  Squallop  the  old  hair  trunk 
that  contained  all  his  little  finery—"  I  sha'n't  want  them 
much  longer— for  I'm  turned  out  of  my  situation." 

This  was  too  much  for  Mrs.  Squallop,  and  she  was 
obliged  to  wipe  her  full  eyes  with  the  corner  of  her  apron, 
without  saying  a  word.  Her  heart  smote  her  for  the 
misery  she  had  inflicted  on  one  who  seemed  quite  broken 
down.  Pity  suddenly  flew,  fluttering  his  wings— soft 
dove ! — into  her  heart,  and  put  to  flight  in  an  instant  all 
her  enraged  feelings.  "  Come,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  she, 
in  quite  an  altered  tone — "  never  mind  me;  I'm  a  plain- 
spoken  woman  enough,  I  dare  say — and  often  say  more 
than  I  mean — for  I  know  I  ain't  over  particular  when  my 
blood's  up — but — I — I  wouldn't  hurt  a  hair  of  your  head, 
poor  chap ! — for  all  I've  said — no,  not  for  double  the  rent 
you  owe  me.  Come !  don't  go  on  so,  Mr.  Titmouse — 
what's  the  use  1  it's  all  quite— over — I'm  so  sorry— Lud  ! 
if  I'd  really  thought" — she  almost  sobbed — "you'd  been 
so— so — why,  I'd  have  waited  till  to-morrow  night  before 
I'd  said  a  word.  But  Mr.  Titmouse,  since  you  haven't 
had  any  dinner,  won't  you  have  a  mouthful  of  something 
— a  bit  of  bread  and  cheese  1 — I'll  soon  fetch  you  up  a  bit, 
and  a  drop  of  beer — we've  just  had  it  in  for  our  supper." 

"  No,  thank  you — I  can't — I  can't  eat." 

"  Oh,  bother  it,  but  you  shall.'  I'll  go  down  and  fetch 
it  up  in  half  a  minute,  as  sure  as  my  name's  Squallop !" 
And  out  of  the  room,  and  down  stairs  she  bustled,  glad  of 
a  moment  to  recover  herself. 


108  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Lord-a- mercy !"  said  she,  on  entering  her  room,  to 
her  eldest  daughter  and  a  neighbour  who  had  just  come 
in  to  supper — and  while  she  hastily  cut  a  thick  hunch  of 
bread,  and  a  good  slice  of  cheese — "  there  I've  been  a 
rating  that  poor  chap,  up  at  the  top  room  (my  dandy 
lodger,  you  know,)  like  any  thing — and  I  really  don't 
think  he's  had  a  morsel  of  victuals  in  his  belly  this  precious 
day ;  and  I've  made  him  cry,  poor  soul !  as  if  his  heart 
would  break.  Pour  us  out  half  a  pint  of  that  beer,  Sally 
— a  good  half  pint,  mind  ! — I'm  going  to  take  it  up  stairs 
directly.  I've  gone  a  deal  too  far  with  him,  I  do  think — 
but  it's  all  of  that  nasty  old  Gripe — I've  been  wrong  all 
the  day  through  it !  How  I  hate  the  sight  of  old  Gripe ! — 
What  odious  looking  people  they  do  get  to  collect  the 
rates  and  taxes,  to  be  sure ! — Poor  chap,"  she  continued, 
as  she  wiped  out  a  plate  with  her  apron,  and  put  into  it 
the  bread  and  cheese,  with  a  knife — "  he  offered  me  a 
chair  when  I  went  in,  so  uncommon  civil-like,  it  took  a 
good  while  before  I  could  get  myself  into  the  humour  to 
give  it  to  him  as  I  wanted.  And  he's  no  father  nor 
mother,  (half  of  which  has  happened  to  you,  Sal,  and  the 
rest  will  happen  one  of  these  days,  you  know  !)  and  he's 
not  such  a  very  bad  lodger,  after  all,  though  he  does  get 
a  little  behind-hand  now  and  then,  and  though  he  turns 
out  every  Sunday  like  a  lord,  poor  fool — as  my  poor 
husband  used  to  say,  '  with  a  shining  back  and  empty 
belly.' " 

11  But  that's  no  reason  why  honest  people  should  be 
kept  out  of  their  own,  to  feed  his  pride,"  interposed  her 
neighbour,  a  skinny  old  widow,  who  had  never  had  chick 
nor  child,  and  was  always  behind-hand  with  her  own 
rent ;  but  whose  effects  were  not  worth  distraining  upon. 
"  I'd  get  hold  of  some  of  his  fine  crinkum-crankums  and 
gimcracks  for  security  like,  if  I  were  you.  I  would, 
indeed." 

"  Why — no,  poor  soul — I  don't  hardly  like  :  he's  a  vain 
creature,  and  puts  every  thing  he  can  on  his  back,  to  be 
sure ;  but  he  a'n't  quite  a  rogue,  neither." 

"  Ah,  ha,  Mrs.  Squallop — you're  such  a  simple  soul ! 
Won't  my  fine  gentleman  make  off  with  his  finery  after 
to-night !" 

"  Well,  I  should'nt  have  thought  it !    To  be  sure  he  may ! 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  109 

Really,  there  can't  be  much  harm  in  asking  him  (in  a  kind 
way)  to  deposit  one  of  his  fine  things  with  me,  by  way  of 
security — that  ring  of  his,  you  know, — eh  ? — Well,  I'll  try 
it,"  said  Mrs.  Squallop,  as  she  set  off  up  stairs. 

"I  know  what  /  should  do,  if  he  was  a  lodger  otmine, 
that's  all,"  said  her  visiter,  (as  Mrs.  Squallop  quitted  the 
room,)  vexed*to  find  their  supper  so  considerably  and  un- 
expectedly diminished,  especially  as  to  the  pot  of  porter, 
which  she  strongly  suspected  would  not  be  replenished. 

44  There,"  said  Mrs.  Squallop,  setting  down  on  the  table 
what  she  had  brought  for  Titmouse,  "  there's  a  bit  of 
supper  for  you ;  and  you're  welcome  to  it,  I'm  sure,  Mr. 
Titmouse." 

44  Thank  you,  thank  you — I  can't  eat,"  said  he,  casting, 
however,  upon  the  victuals  a  hungry  eye,  which  belied 
what  he  said,  while  in  his  heart  he  longed  to  be  left 
alone  with  them  for  about  three  minutes. 

44  Come,  don't  be  ashamed — fall  to  work — it's  good 
wholesome  victuals,"  said  she,  lifting  the  table  near  to  the 
edge  of  the  bed,  on  the  side  of  which  he  was  sitting,  and 
taking  up  the  two  shillings  lying  on  the  table — "  and  capi- 
tal beer  I  warrant  me:  you'll  sleep  like  a  top  after  it." 

44  You're  uncommon  kind,"  Mrs.  Squallop ;  but  I  shan't 
get  a  wink  of  sleep  to-night,  for  thinking." 

44  Oh,  bother  your  thinking !  Let  me  see  you  begin  to 
eat  a  bit.  Well,  I  suppose  you  don't  like  to  eat  and  drink 
before  me,  so  I'll  go."  Here  arose  a  sudden  conflict  in 
the  good  woman's  mind,  whether  or  not  she  would  act  on 
the  suggestion  which  had  been  put  into  her  head  down 
stairs.  She  was  on  the  point  of  yielding  to  the  impulse 
of  her  own  good-natured,  though  coarse  feelings ;  but  at 
last  44 1 — I — dare  say,  Mr.  Titmouse,  you  mean  what's 
right  and  straightforward,"  she  stammered. 

"44  Yes,  Mrs.  Squallop,  you  may  keep  those  two  shil- 
lings ;  they're  the  last  farthing  I've  left  in  the  whole  world." 

«No — hem!  hem  !— a  hem!  I  was  just  suddenly  a 
thinking — now  can't  you  guess,  Mr.  Titmouse  1" 

44  What,  Mrs.  Squallop  ?"  inquired  Titmouse,  meekly, 
but  anxiously. 

tt  "why — suppose  now — if  it  were  only  to  raise  ten 
shillings  with  old  Balls,  round  the  corner,  on  one  of  those 
fine  things  of  yours— your  ring,  say."     Titmouse's  heart 

vol.  i.  10 


110  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

sunk  within  him.  "  Well— well— never  mind— don't 
fear,"  said  Mrs.  Squallop,  observing  him  suddenly  turn 
pale  again.  I — I  only  thought — but  never  mind  !  it  don't 
signify — good  night !  we  can  talk  about  that  to-morrow — 
good  night — a  good  night's  rest  to  you,  Mr.  Titmouse  !" 
and  the  next  moment  he  heard  her  heavy  step  descending 
the  stairs.  Several  minutes  had  elapsed  before  he  could 
recover  from  the  agitation  into  which  he  had  been  thrown 
by  her  last  proposal ;  but  within  ten  minutes  of  her  quit- 
ting the  room,  there  stood  before  him,  on  the  table,  an 
empty  plate  and  jug. 

"  The  beast !  the  fat  old  toad  !"  thought  he,  the  instant 
that  he  had  finished  masticating  what  had  been  supplied 
to  him  by  real  charity  and  good-nature, — "  the  vulgar 
wretch  ! — the  nasty  canting  old  hypocrite  ! — I  saw  what 
she  was  driving  at  all  the  while ! — She  had  her  eye  on 
my  ring! — She'd  have  me  pawn  it  at  old  Ball's — ha,  ha! 
Catch  me !  that's  all !  Seven  shillings  a-week  for  this 
nasty  hole ! — I'll  be  bound  I  pay  nearly  half  the  rent  of 
the  whole  house — the  old  cormorant ! — out  of  what  she 
gets  from  me  !  How  I  hate  her !  More  than  half  my 
salary  goes  into  her  greasy  pocket !  Cuss  me  if  I  could'nt 
have  kicked  her  down  stairs — porter,  bread  and  cheese, 
and  all — while  she  was  standing  canting  there!  A  sni- 
velling old  beldam  !  Pawn  my  ring  ! ! — Lord  ! !"  Here 
he  began  to  undress.  "Ha!  I'm  up  to  her;  she'll  be 
coming  here  to-morrow,  with  that  devil,  Thumbscrew,  to 
distrain,  I'll  be  sworn.  Well — I'll  take  care  of  these,  any 
how;"  and,  kneeling  down,  and  unlocking  his  trunk,  he 
took  out  of  it  his  guard-chain,  breast-pin,  studs,  and  ring, 
carefully  folded  them  up  in  paper,  and  depositing  them  in 
his  trowsers'  pocket,  resolved  that  henceforth  their  nightly 
resting-place  should  be — under  his  pillow ;  while  during 
the  day  they  should  accompany  his  person  whithersoever 
he  went.  Next  he  bethought  himself  of  the  two  or  three 
important  papers  to  which  Mr.  Gammon  had  referred  ; 
and,  with  tremulous  eagerness,  read  them  over  once  or 
twice,  but  without  being  able  to  extract  from  them  the 
slightest  meaning.  Then  he  folded  them  up  in  a  half- 
sheet  of  writing  paper,  which  he  proceeded  to  stitch  care- 
fully beneath  the  lining  of  his  waistcoat :  after  which  he 
blew  out  his  slim  candle,  and  with  a  heavy  sigh  got  into 


TEN   THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  Ill 

bed.  For  some  moments  after  he  had  blown  out  the  can- 
dle, did  the  image  of  it  remain  on  his  aching  and  excited 
retina  ;  and  just  so  long  did  the  thoughts  of  ten  thousand 
a-year  dwell  on  his  fancy,  fading,  however,  quickly  away 
amid  the  thickening  gloom  of  doubts,  and  fears,  and  mise- 
ries, which  oppressed  him.  There  he  lies,  stretched  on 
his  bed,  a  wretched  figure,  lying  on  his  breast,  his  head 
buried  beneath  his  feverish  arms.  Anon,  he  turns  round 
upon  his  back,  stretches  his  weary  limbs  to  their  utter- 
most, folds  his  arms  on  his  breast,  then  buries  them  be- 
neath the  pillow,  under  his  head.  Now  he  turns  on  his 
right  side,  then  on  his  left — presently  he  starts  up,  and 
with  muttered  curses  shakes  his  little  pillow,  flinging  it 
down  angrily.  He  cannot  sleep — he  cannot  rest — he  can- 
not keep  still.  Bursting  with  irritability,  he  gets  out  of 
bed,  and  steps  to  the  window,  which  opening  wide,  a 
slight  gush  of  fresh  air  cools  his  hot  face  for  a  moment  or 
two.  His  wearied  eye  looks  upwards  and  beholds  the 
moon  shining  overhead  in  cold  splendour,  turning  the 
clouds  to  gold  as  they  flit  past  her,  and  shedding  a  soft- 
ened lustre  upon  the  tiled  roofs  and  irregular  chimney- 
pots— the  only  objects  visible  to  him.  No  sound  is  heard, 
but  occasionally  the  dismal  cry  of  a  disappointed  cat,  the 
querulous  voice  of  the  watchman,  and  the  echo  of  the 
rumbling  hubbub  of  Oxford  Street.  O,  miserable  Tit- 
mouse, of  what  avail  is  it  for  thee  thus  to  fix  thy  sorrow- 
ful lack-lustre  eye  upon  the  cold  queen  of  night. 
*  *  *  *  * 

At  that  moment  there  happened  to  be  also  gazing  at  the 
same  glorious  object,  but  at  some  two  hundred  miles  dis- 
tance from  London,  a  somewhat  different  person,  with 
very  different  feelings,  and  in  very  different  circumstances. 
It  was  one  of  the  angels  of  the  earth — a  pure-hearted 
and  very  beautiful  young  woman ;  who,  after  a  day  of 
peaceful,  innocent,  and  charitable  employment,  and  having 
just  quitted  the  piano,  where  her  exquisite  strains  had 
soothed  and  delighted  the  feelings  of  her  brother,  harassed 
with  political  anxieties,  had  retired  to  her  chamber  for  the 
night.  A  few  moments  before  she  was  presented  to  the 
reader,  she  had  extinguished  her  taper,  and  dismissed  her 
maid  without  her  having  discharged  more  than  half  her 
accustomed  duties— telling  her  that  she  should  finish  un- 


112  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

dressing  by  the  light  of  the  moon,  which  then  poured  her 
soft  radiance  into  every  corner  of  the  spacious  but  old- 
fashioned  chamber  in  which  she  sat.  Then  she  drew  her 
chair  to  the  window  recess,  and  pushing  open  the  win- 
dow, sat  before  it,  half  undressed  as  she  was,  her  head 
leaning  on  her  hand,  gazing  upon  the  scenery  before  her 
with  tranquil  admiration.  Silence  reigned  absolutely. 
Not  a  sound  issued  from  the  ancient  groves,  which  spread 
far  and  wide  on  all  sides  of  the  fine  old  mansion  in  which 
she  dwelt — solemn  solitudes,  nor  yet  less  soothing  than 
solemn !  Was  not  the  solitude  enhanced  by  a  glimpse 
she  caught  of  a  restless  fawn,  glancing  in  the  distance 
across  the  avenue,  as  he  silently  changed  the  tree  under 
which  he  slept  1  Then  the  gentle  breeze  would  enter  her 
window,  laden  with  sweet  scents  of  which  he  had  just 
been  rifling  the  coy  flowers  beneath,  in  their  dewy  repose, 
tended  and  petted  during  the  day  by  her  own  delicate 
hand !  Beautiful  moon  ! — cold  and  chaste  in  thy  skyey 
palace,  studded  with  brilliant  and  innumerable  gems,  and 
shedding  down  thy  rich  and  tender  radiance  upon  this 
lovely  seclusion — was  there  upon  the  whole  earth  a  more 
exquisite  countenance  then  turned  towards  thee  than  hers? 
Wrap  thy  white  robe,  dearest  Kate,  closer  round  thy  fair 
bosom,  lest  the  night  breeze  do  thee  hurt !  Thy  rich 
tresses,  half  uncurled,  are  growing  damp — so  it  is  time 
that  thy  blue  eyes  should  seek  repose.  Hie  thee,  then, 
to  yon  antique  couch,  with  its  quaint  carvings  and  satin 
draperies  dimly  visible  in  the  dusky  shade,  inviting  thee  to 
sleep :  and  having  first  bent  in  cheerful  reverence  before 
thy  Maker — to  bed  ! — to  bed ! — dear  Kate,  nothing  dis- 
turbing thy  serene  thoughts,  or  agitating  that  beautiful 
bosom.     Hush  !  hush  !     Now  she  sleeps. 

It  is  well  that  thine  eyes  are  closed  in  sleep ;  for,  be- 
hold— see! — the  brightness  without  is  disappearing;  sad- 
ness and  gloom  are  settling  on  the  face  of  nature ;  the 
tranquil  night  is  changing  her  aspect ;  clouds  are  gather- 
ing, winds  are  moaning ;  the  moon  is  gone  :  but  sleep  on, 
sweet  Kate — sleep  on,  dreaming  not  of  dark  days  before 
thee ! — Oh,  that  thou  couldst  sleep  on  till  the  brightness 
returned  \ 

***** 

After  having  stood  thus  leaning  against  the  window  for 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  113 

nearly  half  an  hour,  Titmouse,  heavily  sighing,  returned 
to  bed — but  there  he  tossed  about  in  wretched  restless- 
ness till  nearly  four  o'clock  in  the  morning.  If  he  now 
and  then  sank  into  forgetfulness  for  a  while,  it  was  only 
to  be  harassed  by  the  dreadful  image  of  Mrs.  Squallop, 
shouting  at  him,  tearing  his  hair,  cuffing  him,  flinging  a 
pot  of  porter  in  his  face,  opening  his  boxes,  tossing  his 
clothes  about,  taking  out  his  invaluable  ornaments ;  by 
Tagrag  kicking  him  out  of  the  shop ;  and  Messrs.  Quirk, 
Gammon,  and  Snap,  dashing  past  him  in  a  fine  carriage, 
with  six  horses,  and  paying  no  attention  to  him  as  he  ran 
shouting  and  breathless  after  them  ;  Huckaback  following, 
kicking  and  pinching  him  behind.  These  were  the  few 
little  bits  of  different-coloured  glass  in  a  mental  kalei- 
doscope, which,  turned  capriciously  round,  produce  those 
innumerable  fantastic  combinations  out  of  the  simple  and 
ordinary  events  of  the  day,  which  we  call  dreams — tricks 
of  the  wild  sisters  Fancy,  when  sober  Reason  has  left  her 
seat  for  a  while.  But  this  is  fitter  for  the  Royal  Society 
than  the  bedroom  of  Tittlebat  Titmouse ;  and  1  beg  the 
reader's  pardon. 

About  six  o'clock,  Titmouse  rose  and  dressed  himself; 
and  slipping  noiselessly  and  swiftly  down  stairs,  and  out 
of  the  court,  in  order  to  avoid  all  possibility  of  encounter- 
ing his  landlady  or  his  tailor,  soon  found  himself  in  Oxford 
Street.  Not  many  people  were  stirring  there.  One  or 
two  men  who  passed  him  were  smoking  their  morning's 
pipe  with  a  half-awakened  air,  as  if  they  had  only  just  got 
out  of  a  snug  bed,  in  which  they  always  slept  every  mo- 
ment that  they  lay  upon  it.  Titmouse  almost  envied 
them  !  What  a  squalid  figure  he  looked,  as  he  paced  up 
and  down,  till  at  length  he  saw  the  porter  of  Messrs.  Dow- 
las &  Co.  opening  the  shop  door.  He  soon  entered  it, 
and  commenced  another  joyous  day  in  that  delightful  es- 
tablishment. The  amiable  Mr.  Tagrag  continued  unal- 
tered. 

"  You're  at  liberty  to  take  yourself  off,  sir,  this  very 
day — this  moment,  sir ;  and  a  good  riddance,"  said  he, 
bitterly,  during  the  course  of  the  day,  after  demanding  of 
Titmouse  how  he  dared  to  give  himself  such  sullen  airs  ; 
"  and  then  we  shall  see  how  charming  easy  it  is  for  gents 
like  you  to  get  another  sitiwation,  sir!  Your  looks  and 
10* 


1  14  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

manner  is  quite  a  recommendation,  sir !  If  I  was  you, 
sir,  I'd  raise  my  terms!  You're  worth  double  what  I 
give,  sir  !"  Titmouse  made  no  reply.  "  What  the  d — 1 
do  you  mean,  sir,  by  not  answering  me — eh,  sir?'  sud- 
denly demanded  Tagrag  with  a  look  of  fury. 

"  I  don't  know  what  you'd  have  me  say,  sir.  What 
am  I  to  say,  sir"?"  inquired  Titmouse  with  a  sigh. 

"  What,  indeed  !  I  should  like  to  catch  you  !  Say,  in- 
deed !  Only  say  a  word — and  out  you  go,  neck  and  crop. 
Attend  to  that  old  lady  coming  in,  sir.  And  mind,  sir, 
I've  got  my  eye  on  you  S"  Titmouse  did  as  he  was  bid ; 
and  Tagrag,  a  bland  smile  beaming  in  his  attractive  fea- 
tures, hurried  down  towards  the  door,  to  receive  some 
lady-customers,  whom  he  observed  alighting  from  a  car- 
riage ;  and  at  that  moment  you  would  have  sworn  that  he 
was  one  of  the  kindest-hearted,  sweetest-tempered  men  in 
the  world. 

When  at  length  this  day  had  come  to  a  close,  Titmouse, 
instead  of  repairing  to  his  lodgings,  set  off,  with  a  heavy 
heart,  to  pay  a  visit  to  his  excellent  friend  Huckaback, 
whom  he  knew  to  have  received  his  quarter's  salary  the 
day  before,  and  from  whom  he  faintly  hoped  to  succeed  in 
extorting  some  trifling  loan.  "  If  you  want  to  learn  the 
value  of  money,  try  to  borrow  some,"  says  poor  Richard — 
and  Titmouse  was  now  going  to  learn  that  useful  but  bit- 
ter lesson.  Oh,  how  disheartening  was  that  gentleman's 
reception  of  him  !  Huckaback,  in  answering  the  modest 
knock  of  Titmouse,  suspecting  who  was  his  visiter, 
opened  the  door  but  a  little  way,  and  in  that  little  way, 
with  his  hand  on  the  latch,  he  stood  with  a  plainly  repul- 
sive look. 

"Oh!  it's  you,  Titmouse,  is  it  ?"  he  commenced  coldly. 

"  Yes.  I — I  just  want  to  speak  a  word  to  you — only 
a  word  or  two,  Huckey,  if  you  aren't  busy  V 

«  Why,  I  was  just  going  to  go — but  what  d'ye  want, 
Titmouse  V9  he  inquired,  in  a  freezing  manner,  not  stirring 
from  where  he  stood. 

"  Let  me  come  inside  a  minute,"  implored  Titmouse, 
feeling  as  if  his  heart  were  really  dropping  out  of  him ; 
and,  in  a  most  ungracious  manner,  Huckaback  motioned 
him  in. 

"  Well  ?"  commenced  Huckaback,  with  a  chilling  dis- 
trustful look. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  115 

"  Why,  Huck,  I  know  you're  a  good-natured  chap— 
you  couldn't  just  for  a  short  time  lend  me  ten  shlll " 

"No,  I'm  hang'd  if  I  can :  and  that's  flat !"  briskly  inter- 
rupted Huckaback,  finding  his  worst  suspicions  confirmed. 

11  Why,  Hucky,  wasn't  you  only  yesterday  paid  your 
salary  V 

"  Well ! — suppose  I  was ! — what  then  ?  You're  a  mon- 
strous cool  hand,  Titmouse  ! — I  never  !  So  I'm  to  lend  to 
you,  when  I'm  starving  myself!  I've  received  such  a  lot, 
haven't  IV 

"  I  thought  we'd  always  been  friends,  Hucky,"  said 
Titmouse,  faintly ;  and  so  we  should'nt  mind  helping  one 
another  a  bit !    Don't   you  remember,  I  lent  you  half-a- 


crown 


1» 


"  Half-a-crown  ! — and  that's  nine  months  ago !" 

"  Do,  Hucky,  do !  I've  positively  not  a  sixpence  in  the 
whole  world." 

"Ha,  ha  !  a  pretty  chap  to  borrow  !  you  can  pay  so 
well !    By  George,  Titmouse,  you're  a  cool  hand." 

"  If  you  won't  lend  me,  I  must  starve." 

"  Go  to  my  uncle's."  Titmouse  groaned  aloud. — 
"  Well,  and  why  not  1  What  of  that  1"  continued  Hucka- 
back, sharply  and  bitterly.  "  I  dare  say  it  would'nt  be 
the  first  time  you've  done  such  a  trick,  no  more  than  me. 
I've  been  obligated  to  do  it.  Why  shouldn't  you  1  Ain't 
there  that  ring  V 

"  Oh,  Lord  !  oh,  Lord  !  that's  just  what  Mrs.  Squallop 
said  last  night." 

"Whew  !  she's  down  on  you,  is  she?  And  you've  the 
face  to  come  to  me  !  You — that's  a-going  to  be  sold  up, 
come  to  borrow !  Lord,  that's  good,  any  how !  A  queer 
use  that  to  make  of  one's  friends ; — it's  a  taking  of  them 
in,  I  say !" 

"Oh,  Huck,  Huck,  if  you  only  knew  what  a  poor 
devil" 

"  Yes,  that's  what  I  was  a-saying ;  but  it  ain't  poor 
devils  one  lends  money  to  so  easily,  I  warrant  me ;  though 
you  ain't  such  a  poor  devil — you're  only  shamming  ! 
Where's  your  guard-chain,  your  studs,  your  breast-pin, 
your  ring,  and  all  that.  Sell  'em  !  if  not,  any  how,  pawn 
'em.  Can't  eat  your  cake  and  have  it ;  fine  back  must 
have  empty  belly  with  us  sort  of  chaps." 


116  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  If  you'll  only  be  so  kind  as  to  lend  me  ten  shillings," 
continued  Titmouse,  in  an  imploring  tone,  "  I'll  bind  myself 
by  a  solemn  oath  to  pay  you  the  very  first  moment  I  get 
what  is  due  to  me  from  Dowlas  &  Co."  Here  he  was 
almost  choked  by  the  sudden  recollection  that  he  had 
almost  certainly  nothing  to  receive. 

"  You've  some  property  in  the  moon,  too,  that's  coming 
to  you,  you  know !"  said  Huckaback  with  an  insulting 
sneer. 

"I  know  what  you're  driving  at,"  said  poor  Titmouse; 
he  continued  eagerly,  "  and  if  any  thing  should  ever 
come  up  from  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam " 

"  Yough  !  faugh!  pish!  stuff!"  burst  out  Huckaback, 
in  a  tone  of  contempt  and  disgust ;  "  never  thought  there 
was  any  thing  in  it,  and  now  know  it !  It's  all  in  my  eye, 
and  all  that !" 

"  Oh,  Hucky,  Hucky  !  You  don't  say  so  !"  groaned 
Titmouse,  bursting  into  tears ;  "  you  didn't  always  say  so." 

"It's  enough  that  I  say  it  now  then;  will  that  do?" 
interrupted  Huckaback,  impetuously. 

"  Oh,  Lord,  Lord  !  what  is  to  become  of  me  V  cried 
Titmouse,  with  a  face  full  of  anguish. 

At  this  moment,  the  following  was  the  course  of  thought 
passing  through  the  mind  of  Mr.  Huckaback  : — It  is  not 
certain  that  nothing  will  come  of  the  fellow's  affair  with 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap.  It  was  hardly  likely 
they  would  have  gone  as  far  as  Titmouse  represented 
(lawyers  as  they  were)  unless  they  had  seen  very  sub- 
stantial grounds  for  doing  so.  Besides,  even  though 
Titmouse  might  not  get  ten  thousand  a-year,  he  might 
yet  succeed  in  obtaining  a  very  splendid  sum  of  money; 
and  if  he  (Huckaback)  could  but  get  a  little  slice  out  of 
it!  Titmouse  was  now  nearly  desperate,  and  would 
promise  any  thing;  and  if  he  could  but  be  wheedled  into 
giving  any  thing  in  writing — Well,  thought  Huckaback, 
I'll  try  it,  however! 

"  Ah,  Titmouse,  you're  civil  enough  now,  and  would 
promise  any  thing,"  said  Huckaback,  appearing  to  hesitate ; 
"  but  when  you  get  your  money  you'd  forget." 

"  Forget  my  promise  !  dear  Hucky !  only  try  me — do 
try  me  but  once,  that's  all !  Ten  shillings  is  worth  more 
to  me  now  than  a  hundred  pounds  may  be  by-and-by." 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  117 

"  Ay,  so  you  say  noiv  ;  but  d'ye  mean  to  tell  me,  that 
if  I  was  now  to  advance  you  ten  shillings  out  of  my  poor 
little  salary,"  continued  Huckaback  apparently  carelessly, 
"  you'd,  for  instance,  pay  me  a  hundred  pounds  out  of 
your  thousands]" 

"  Only  try  me — do  try  me!"  said  Titmouse  eagerly. 

"  Oh,  I  dare  not  say,"  interrupted  Huckaback,  smiling 
incredulously,  and  chinking  some  money  in  his  trowsers' 
pocket.  Titmouse  heard  it,  and  (as  the  phrase  is)  his 
teeth  watered ;  and  he  immediately  swore  such  a  tremen- 
dous oath  as  1  dare  not  set  down  in  writing,  that  if  Huck- 
aback would  that  evening  lend  him  ten  shillings,  Titmouse 
would  give  him  one  hundred  pounds  out  of  the  very  first 
moneys  he  got  from  the  estate. 

"  Ten  shillings  is  a  slapping  slice  out  of  my  little  salary 
— I  shall  have,  by  George,  to  go  without  a  many  things 
I'd  intended  getting ;  it's  worth  ten  pounds  to  me  just 
now." 

"  Why,  'tis  worth  a  hundred  to  me!  Mrs.  Squallop  will 
sell  me  out,  bag  and  baggage,  if  I  don't  give  her  some- 
thing to-morrow." 

"  Well,  if  I  really  thought — would  you  mind  giving  me, 
now,  a  bit  of  black  and  white  for  iU" 

"  I'll  do  any  thing  you  like;  only  let  me  feel  the  ten 
shillings  in  my  fingers." 

"  Well,  no  sooner  said  than  done,  if  you're  a  man  of 
your  word,"  said  Huckaback,  in  a  trice  producing  a  bit 
of  paper,  and  a  pen  and  ink.  "  So,  only  just  for  the  fun  of 
it;  but  Lord!  what  stuff! — I'm  only  bargaining  for  a 
hundred  pounds  of  moonshine.  Ha,  ha  !  I  shall  never  see 
the  colour  of  your  money,  not  I;  so  I  may  as  well  say 
two  hundred  when  I'm  about  it,  as  one  hundred " 

"Why,  hem!  Two  hundred,  Huck,  is  rather  a  large 
figure;  one  hundred's  odds  enough,  I'm  sure." 

"  P'raps,  Tit,  you  forget  the  licking  you  gave  me  the 
other  day.  Suppose  I  was  to  go  to  an  attorney,  and  get 
the  law  of  you,  what  a  sight  of  damages  I  should  have — 
three  hundred  pounds  at  least." 

Titmouse  appeared  even  yet  hesitating. 

"  Well,  then!"  said  Huckaback,  flinging  down  his  pen, 
"  suppose  I  have  them  yet." 

•■  Come,  come,  Hucky,  'tis  all  past  and  gone,  all  that." 


118  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Is  it  ]  Well,  I  never  !  I  shall  never  be  again  the  same 
man  I  was  before  that  licking.  I've  a  sort  of  a — a — of  a 
— feeling  inside,  as  if  my  breast  was — I  shall  carry  it  to 
my  grave,  if  I  sha'n't !" 

It  never  once  occurred  to  Titmouse,  not  having  his 
friend  Mr.  Gammon  at  his  elbow,  that  the  plaintiff  in  the 
action  of  Huckaback  v.  Titmouse  might  have  been  slightly 
at  a  loss  for  a  witness  of  the  assault ;  but  something  quite 
as  good  in  its  way — a  heaven-sent  suggestion — did  occur 
to  him. 

"  Ah,"  said  Titmouse  suddenly,  "  that's  true ;  and 
uncommon  sorry  am  I;  but  still,  a  hundred  pounds  is  a 
hundred  pounds,  and  a  large  sum  for  the  use  often  shillings 
and  a  licking ;  but  never  you  think  it's  all  moonshine 
about  my  business  with  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon  and 
Snap  !  You  should  only  have  heard  what  I've  heard 
to-day  from  these  gents ;  hem  !  but  I  won't  split  again 
either." 

"  Eh  1  What !  Heard  from  those  gents  at  Saffron  Hill  ?" 
interrupted  Huckaback  briskly ;  "  come,  Titty,  out  with  it 
— out  with  it ;  no  secrets  between  friends,  Titty." 

"  No,  I'll  be if  I  do— I  won't  spoil  it  "all  again  ; 

and  now,  since  I've  let  out  as  much,  which  I  didn't  mean 
to  do,  I'll  tell  you  something  else — ten  shillings  is  no  use 
to  me,  I  must  have  a  pound." 

"  Titty,  Titty  !"  exclaimed  Huckaback,  with  unaffected 
concern. 

"  And  won't  give  more  than  fifty  for  it  when  I  get  my 
property  either," — Huckaback  whistled  aloud,  and  with 
a  significant  air  buttoned  up  the  pocket  which  contained 
the  money  ;  intimating  that  now  the  negotiation  was  all  at 
an  end,  for  that  Titmouse's  new  terms  were  quite  out  of 
the  question  ; — "  for  I  know  where  I  can  get  twenty  pounds 
easily,  only  I  liked  to  come  to  a  friend  first." 

"  You  aren't  behaving  much  like  a  friend  to  one  as  has 
always  been  a  fast  friend  of  yours,  Titty!  A  pound  ! — I 
hav'n't  got  it  to  part  with,  that's  flat ;  so,  if  that's  your 
figure,  why,  you  must  even  go  to  your  other  friend,  and 
leave  p^or  Hucky." 

"  Well,  I  don't  mind  saying  only  ten  shillings,"  quoth 
Titmouse,  fearing  that  he  had  been  going  on  rather  too 
fast. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  119 

"Ah,  that's  something  reasonable-like,  Titty!  and,  to 
meet  you  like  a  friend,  I'll  take  fifty  pounds  instead  of  a 
hundred;  but  you  won't  object  now  to — you  know — a 
deposite ;  that  ring  of  yours.  Well,  well !  it  don't  signify, 
since  it  goes  against  you  :  so  now,  here  goes,  a  bit  of 
paper  for  ten  shillings,  ha,  ha  !"  and  taking  a  pen,  after  a 
pause,  in  which  he  called  to  mind  as  much  of  the  phraseo- 
logy of  money  securities  as  he  could,  he  drew  up  the 
following  stringent  document : 

"  Know  all  Men  that  you  are  bound  to  Mr.  R.  Huck- 
aback Promising  the  bearer  on  Demand  to  Pay  Fifty 
Pounds  in  cash  out  of  the  Estate,  if  you  Get  it. 

"  (Witness,)  22d  July,  182-. 

"  R.  Huckaback." 

"  There,  Titty — if  you're  an  honest  man,  and  would  do 
as  you  would  be  done  by,"  said  Huckaback,  after  signing 
his  own  name  as  above,  handing  the  pen  to  Titmouse, 
"  sign  that ;  just  to  show  your  honour,  like — for,  in  course, 
I  shan't  ever  come  on  you  for  the  money — get  as  much 
as  you  may." 

A  blessed  thought  occurred  to  poor  Titmouse  in  hi3 
extremity,  viz.  that  there  was  no  stamp  on  the  above 
instrument,  (and  he  had  never  seen  a  promissory  note  or 
bill  of  exchange  without  one;)  and  he  signed  it  instantly, 
with  many  fervent  expressions  of  gratitude.  Huckaback 
received  the  valuable  security  with  apparently  a  careless 
air ;  and  after  cramming  it  into  his  pocket,  as  if  it  had 
been  in  reality  only  a  bit  of  waste  paper,  counted  out  ten 
shillings  into  the  eager  hand  of  Titmouse ;  who,  having 
thus  most  unexpectedly  succeeded  in  his  mission,  soon 
afterwards  departed — each  of  these  pair  of  worthies  fan- 
cying that  he  had  succeeded  in  cheating  the  other. 
Huckaback  having  very  cordially  shaken  Titmouse  by 
the  hand,  heartily  damned  him  upon  shutting  the  door  on 
him ;  and  then  anxiously  perused  and  re-perused  his 
"  security,"  wondering  whether  it  was  possible  for  Tit- 
mouse at  any  time  thereafter  to  evade  it,  and  considering 
by  what  means  he  could  acquaint  himself  with  the  pro- 
gress of  Titmouse's  affairs.  The  latter  gentleman,  as  he 
hurried  homeward,  dwelt  for  a  long  while  upon  only  one 
thought — how  fortunate  was  the  omission  of  his  friend  to 


120  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

have  a  stamp  upon  his  security  !  When  and  where, 
thought  he,  was  it  that  he  had  heard  nothing  would  do 
without  a  stamp]  However,  he  had  got  the  ten  shillings 
safe ;  and  Huckaback  might  wait  for  his  fifty  pounds  till 
— But  in  the  meanwhile  he,  Titmouse,  seemed  to  stand  a 
fair  chance  of  going  to  the  dogs ;  the  ten  shillings,  which 
he  had  obtained  with  so  much  difficulty,  were  to  find  their 
way  immediately  into  the  pockets  of  his  landlady,  whom 
it  might  pacify  but  for  a  day  or  two,  and  what  quarter 
was  he  now  to  look  to  for  the  smallest  assistance  1  What 
was  to  become  of  him  1  Titmouse  was  a  miserable  fool ; 
but  thoughts  such  as  these,  in  such  circumstances  as  his, 
would  force  themselves  into  the  mind  of  even  a  fool ! 
How  could  he  avoid — oh,  horrid  thought ! — soon  parting 
with,  or  at  least  pawning,  his  ring  and  his  other  precious 
trinkets  1  He  burst  into  a  perspiration  at  the  mere 
thought  of  seeing  them  hanging  ticketed  for  sale  in  the 
window  of  old  Balls  !  As  he  slowly  ascended  the  stairs 
which  led  to  his  apartment,  he  felt  as  if  he  were  following 
some  unseen  conductor  to  a  dungeon. 

He  was  not  aware  that  all  this  while,  although  he  heard 
nothing  from  them,  he  occupied  almost  exclusively  the 
thoughts  of  those  distinguished  practitioners  in  the  law, 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap.  They,  in  common 
with  Huckaback,  had  an  intense  desire  to  share  in  his 
anticipated  good  fortune,  and  determined  to  do  so  accord- 
ing to  their  opportunities.  The  excellent  Huckaback  (a 
model  of  a  usurer  on  a  small  scale)  promptly  and  adroitly 
seized  hold  of  the  very  first  opportunity  that  presented 
itself,  for  securing  a  little  return  hereafter  for  the  ten  shil- 
lings, with  which  he  had  so  generously  parted  when  he 
could  so  ill  afford  it ;  while  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and 
Snap  were  racking  their  brains,  and,  from  time  to  time, 
those  of  Messrs.  Mortmain  and  Frankpledge,  to  discover 
some  instrument  strong  and  large  enough  to  cut  a  fat 
slice  for  themselves  out  of  the  fortune  they  were  endea- 
vouring, for  that  purpose,  to  put  within  the  reach  of  Mr. 
Titmouse.  A  rule  of  three  mode  of  stating  the  matter 
would  be  thus:  as  the  inconvenience  of  Huckaback's 
parting  with  his  ten  shillings  and  his  waiver  of  damages 
for  a  very  cruel  assault,  were  to  his  contingent  gain, 
hereafter,  of  fifty  pounds :  so  were  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  121 

mon,  and  Snap's  risk,  exertions,  outlay,  and  benefit  con- 
ferred on  Titmouse,  to  their  contingent  gain  of  ten  thou- 
sand pounds.  The  principal  point  of  difference  between 
them  was — as  to  the  mode  of  securing  their  future  re- 
compense ;  in  which  it  may  have  been  observed  by  the 
attentive  reader,  with  respect  to  the  precipitancy  of  Huck- 
aback, and  hesitating  caution  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap,  that — "  thus  fools  (e.  g.  Huckaback)  rushed 
in  where  angels  (i.  e.  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap) 
feared  to  tread.11  Let  me  not,  however,  for  a  moment, 
insinuate  that  both  these  parties  were  actuated  by  only 
one  motive,  i.  e.  to  make  a  prey  of  this  little  monkey  mil- 
lionaire. It  is  true  that  Huckaback  appears  to  have 
driven  rather  a  hard  bargain  with  his  distressed  friend, 
(and  almost  every  one  that,  being  similarly  situated,  has 
occasion  for  such  services  as  Titmouse  sought  from 
Huckaback,  will  find  himself  called  upon  to  pay  nearly  the 
same  price  for  them  ;)  but  it  was  attended  with  one  good 
effect;  for  the  specific  interest  in  Titmouse's  future  pros- 
perity, acquired  by  Huckaback,  quickened  his  energies 
and  sharpened  his  wits  in  the  service  of  his  friend.  But 
for  this,  indeed,  it  is  probable  that  Mr.  Huckaback's  door 
would  have  become  as  hopelessly  closed  against  Tit- 
mouse as  was  that  of  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap. 
Some  two  or  three  nights  after  the  little  transaction  be- 
tween the  two  friends  which  I  have  been  describing, 
Huckaback  called  upon  Titmouse,  and  after  greeting  him 
rather  cordially,  told  him  that  he  had  come  to  put  him  up 
to  a  trick  upon  the  Saffron  Hill  people,  that  would  tickle 
them  into  a  little  activity  in  his  affairs.  The  trick  was — 
the  sending  a  letter  to  those  gentlemen  calculated  to — but 
why  attempt  to  characterize  it  1  I  have  the  original  docu- 
ment lying  before  me,  which  was  sent  by  Titmouse  the 
very  next  morning  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap, 
and  here  follows  a  verbatim  copy  of  it : 

"  No.  9,  Closet  Court,  Oxford  Street. 

"  To  Messrs.  Quirk  &  Co. 

"  Gents. — Am  Sorry  to  Trouble  You,  But  Being  Drove 
quite  desperate  at  my  Troubles  (which  have  brot  me  to 
my  Last  Penny  a  Week  ago)  and  Mrs.  Squallop  my  Land- 

vol.  i.  11 


122  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

lady  wd  distrain  on  Me  only  that  There  Is  nothing  To 
distrain  on,  Am  Determined  to  Go  Abroad  in  a  Week's 
Time,  and  shall  Never  come  Any  More  back  again  with 
Great  Grief  wh  Is  What  I  now  Write  To  tell  You  Of 
(Hoping  you  Will  please  Take  No  notice  of  It)  So  Need 
give  Yourselves  No  Further  Concern  with  my  Concerns 
Seeing  The  Estate  is  Not  To  Be  Had  and  Am  Sorry  You 
Shd  Have  Had  so  Much  trouble  With  My  Affairs  wh  cd 
not  Help.  Shd  have  Much  liked  The  Thing,  only  it  Was 
Not  worth  Stopping  For,  or  Would,  but  Since  It  Was  not 
God's  Will  be  Done  which  it  will.  Havg  raised  a  Trifle 
On  my  Future  Prospects  (wh  am  Certain  There  is  Nothing 
In)  from  a  True  Friend  " — Need  it  be  guessed  at  whose 
instance  these  words  found  their  way  into  the  letter? — 
"  wh  was  certainly  uncommon  inconvenient  to  That  Per- 
son But  He  wd  do  Anything  to  Do  me  good  As  he  says 
Am  going  to  raise  A  Little  More  from  a  Gent  That  does 
Things  of  That  Nature  wh  will  help  me  with  Expense 
in  Going  Abroad  (which  place  I  never  mean  to  Return 
from).  Have  fixed  for  the  10th  To  Go  on  wh  Day  Shall 
Take  leave  Of  Mr.  Tagrag  (who  on  my  Return  Shall  be 
glad  to  See  Buried  or  in  the  Workhouse).  Have  wrote 
This  letter  Only  to  Save  trouble  wh  Trust  You  wd  not 
have  taken. 

"And  Remain, 

"  Gents, 
11  Yr  humble  Unworthy  Servt. 

T.  Titmouse." 
"  P.  S — Hope  you  will  particularly  Remember  me  to 
Mr.  Gammon.  What  is  to  become  of  me,  know  nothing, 
being  so  troubled.  Am  Humbly  determined  not  to  em- 
ploy any  Gents  in  This  matter  except  your  most  Respect- 
able House,  and  shd  be  most  Truly  sorry  to  Go  Abroad 
wh  am  really  Often  thinking  of  in  Earnest.  (Unless 
something  Speedily  Turns  Up,  favourable,)  T.  T. — Shd 
like  (By  the  way)  to  know  if  you  shd  be  so  Disposed 
what  yr  recpe  house  wd  take  for  my  Chances  Down  (Out 
and  out)  In  a  Round  Sum  (Ready  Money)  And  hope  if 
they  Write  It  will  be  by  Next  Post  or*  shall  be  gone 
Abroad." 

Old  Quirk,  as  soon  as  he  had  finished  the  perusal  of 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  123 

this  skilful  document,  started,  a  little  disturbed,  from  his 
seat,  and  bustled  into  Mr.  Gammon's  room,  with  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse's open  letter  in  his  hand. — "  Gammon,"  said  he, 
"  just  cast  your  eye  over  this,  will  you  1  Really,  we  must 
look  after  Titmouse,  or  he'll  be  gone  !"  Mr.  Gammon 
took  the  letter  rather  eagerly,  read  deliberately  through  it, 
and  then  looked  up  at  his  fidgety  partner,  who  stood 
anxiously  eyeing  him,  and  smiled. 

"  Well,  Gammon,  I  really  think— eh]  Don't  you?" 

"  Upon  my  word,  Mr.  Quirk,  this  nearly  equals  his 
former  letter  ;  and  it  also  seems  to  have  produced  on  you 
the  desired  effect." 

"  Well,  Gammon,  and  what  of  that  1  Because  my  heart 
don't  happen  to  be  quite  a  piece  of  flint,  you're  always — " 

"  You  might  have  been  a  far  wealthier  man  than  you 
are,  but  for  that  soft  heart  of  yours,  Mr.  Quirk,"  said 
Gammon,  with  a  bland  smile. 

"  I  know  I  might,  Gammon — I  know  it.  I  thank  my 
God  I'm  not  so  keen  after  business  that  I  can't  feel  for  this 
poor  soul — really,  his  state's  quite  deplorable!" 

"  Then,  my  dear  sir,  put  your  hand  into  your  pocket 
at  once,  as  I  was  suggesting  last  night,  and  allow  him  a 
weekly  sum." 

"  A — hem  !  hem !  Gammon" — said  Quirk,  sitting  down, 
thrusting  his  hands  into  his  waistcoat  pockets,  and  looking 
very  earnestly  at  Gammon. 

"  Well,  then" — that  gentleman  shrugging  his  shoulders 
in  answer  to  the  mute  appeal — "  write  and  say  you  won't 
— 'tis  soon  done,  and  so  the  matter  ends." 

"  Why,  Gammon,  you  see,  if  he  goes  abroad,"  said 
Quirk,  after  a  long  pause — "  we  lose  him  for  ever." 

"  Pho ! — go  abroad  1  He's  too  much  for  you,  Mr. 
Quirk — he  is,  indeed,  ha,  ha  !" 

"  You're  fond  of  a  laugh  at  my  expense,  Gammon  ;  it's 
quite  pleasant — you  can't  think  how  I  like  it !" 

"  I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Quirk — but  you  really  mis- 
understood me ;  I  was  laughing  only  at  the  absurd  incon- 
sistency of  the  fellow :  he's  a  most  transparent  fool,  and 
takes  us  for  such.  Go  abroad  !  Ridiculous  pretence ! — In 
his  precious  postscript  he  undoes  all — he  says  he  is  only 
often  thinking  of  going— pshaw !— That  the  wretch  is  in 
great  distress,  is  very  probable — but  it  must  go  hard  with 


124  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

him  before  he  either  commits  suicide  or  goes  abroad,  I 
warrant  him  ;  I've  no  fears  on  that  score — but  there  is  a 
point  in  the  letter  that  may  be  worth  considering — I  mean 
the  fellow's  hint  about  borrowing  money  on  his  prospects." 

"  Yes,  to  be  sure—the  very  thing  that  struck  me" — 
Gammon  faintly  smiled. — "  I  never  thought  much  about 
the  other  part  of  the  letter — all  stuff  about  going  abroad — 
pho  ! — But,  to  be  sure,  if  he's  trying  to  raise  money,  he 
may  get  into  keen  hands — Do  you  really  think  he  has  ?" 

"  Oh  no — of  course  its  only  a  little  lie  of  his- — or  he 
must  have  found  out  some  greater  fool  than  himself,  which 
I  had  not  supposed  possible.  But  however  that  may  be, 
I  really  think,  Mr.  Quirk,  its  high  time»that  we  should  take 
some  decided  steps.'' 

"  Well, — yes,  it  may  be,"  said  Quirk,  slowly — "  and  I 
must  say  that  Mortmain  encouraged  me  a  good  deal  the 
day  before  yesterday." 

"  Well,  and  you  know  what  Mr.  Frankpledge " 

"  Oh,  as  to  Frankpledge — hem  !" 

"  What  of  Mr.  Frankpledge,  Mr.  Quirk  V  inquired 
Gammon,  rather  tartly. 

"  There  !  There  ! — Always  the  way — but  what  does  it 
signify  V — Come,  come,  Gammon,  we  know  each  other  too 
well  to  quarrel ! — I  don't  mean  any  thing  disrespectful  to 
Mr.  Frankpledge,  but  when  Mortmain  has  been  one's 
conveyancer  these  thirty-three  years,  and  never  once — 
hem ! — but,  however,  he  tells  me  that  we  are  standing  on 
sure  ground,  or  that  he  don't  know  what  sure  ground  is, 
and  sees  no  objection  to  our  even  taking  preliminary  steps 
in  the  matter,  which  indeed  I  begin  to  think  it  high  time 
to  do! — And  as  for  securing  ourselves  in  respect  of  any 
advances  to  Titmouse — he  suggests  our  taking  a  bond, 
conditioned — say,  for  the  payment  of  ^6500  or  ^1000  on 
demand,  under  cover  of  which  one  might  advance  him, 
you  know,  just  such  sums  as  and  when  we  pleased;  one 
could  stop  when  one  thought  fit,  one  could  begin  with 
three  or  four  pounds  a-week,  and  increase  as  his  prospects 
improved — eh  !" 

"  You  know  I've  no  objection  to  such  an  arrangement ; 
but  consider,  Mr.  Quirk,  we  must  have  patience  ;  it  will 
take  a  long  while  to  get  our  verdict,  you  know,  and  per- 
haps as  long  to  secure  it  afterwards ;  and  this  horrid  little 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  125 

wretch  all  the  while  on  our  hands  ;  what  the  deuce  to  do 
with  him,  I  really  don't  know  !" 

"  Humph,  humph !"  grunted  Quirk,  looking  very  ear- 
nestly and  uneasily  at  Gammon. 

"And  what  I  chiefly  fear  is  this, — suppose  he  should 
get  dissatisfied  with  the  amount  of  our  advances,  and, 
knowing  the  state  and  prospects  of  the  cause,  should  turn 
restive  !*' 

"  Ay,  confound  it,  Gammon,  all  that  should  be  looked 
to,  shouldn't  it  ?"  interrupted  Quirk,  with  an  exceedingly 
chagrined  air. 

u  To  be  sure,"  continued  Gammon,  thoughtfully  ;  "  by 
that  time  he  may  have  got  substantial  friends  about  him, 
whom  he  could  persuade  to  become  security  to  us  for 
further  and  past  advances." 

"Nay,  now  you  name  the  thing,  Gammon;  it  was 
what  I  was  thinking  of  only  the  other  day ;"  he  dropped 
his  voice — "isn't  there  one  or  two  of  our  own  clients? 
hem  !" 

"Why,  certainly,  there's  old  Fang;  I  don't  think  it 
impossible  he  might  be  induced  to  do  a  little  usury — it's 
all  he  lives  for,  Mr.  Quirk ;  and  the  security  is  good  in 
reality,  though  perhaps  not  exactly  marketable." 

"  Nay ;  but  on  second  thoughts,  wny  not  do  it  our- 
selves, if  any  thing  can  be  made  of  it?" 

"  That,  however,  will  be  for  future  consideration.  In 
the  mean  time,  we'd  better  send  for  Titmouse,  and  ma- 
nage him  a  little  more  —  discreetly,  eh  1  We  did  not 
exactly  hit  it  off  last  time,  did  we,  Mr.  Quirk  1"  said 
Gammon,  smiling  rather  sarcastically.  "  We  must  keep 
him  at  Tagrag's,  if  the  thing  can  be  done,  for  the  present, 
at  all  events." 

"  To  be  sure ;  he  couldn't  then  come  buzzing  about  us, 
like  a  gad-fly ;  he'd  drive  us  mad  in  a  week,  I'm  sure." 

"  Oh,  I'd  rather  give  up  every  thing  than  submit  to  it. 
It  can't  be  difficult  for  us,  I  should  think,  to  bind  him  to 
our  own  terms — to  put  a  bridle  in  the  ass's  mouth  1  Let 
us  say  that  we  insist  on  his  signing  an  undertaking  to  act 
implicitly  according  to  our  directions  in  every  thing." 

"  Ay,  to  be  sure  ;  on  pain  of  our  instantly  turning  him 
to  the  right-about.     I  fancy  it  will  do,  now !" 

"  And,  now,  Mr.  Quirk,"  said  Gammon,  with  as  much 
11* 


126  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

of  peremptoriness  in  his  tone  as  he  could  venture  upon  to 
Mr.  Quirk,  "  you  really  must  do  me  the  favour  to  leave 
the  management  of  this  little  wretch  to  me.  You  see,  he 
seems  to  have  taken — Heaven  save  the  mark  ! — a  fancy 
to  me,  poor  fellow ! — and — and — it  must  be  owned,  we 
miscarried  sadly,  the  other  night,  on  a  certain  grand 
occasion — eh  ?" 

Quirk  shook  his  head  dissentingly. 

"  Well,  then,"  continued  Gammon,  "  one  thing  I  am 
determined  on:  one  or  the  other  of  us,  Mr.  Quirk,  shall 
undertake  Titmouse,  solely  and  singly.  Pray,  for  Hea- 
ven's sake,  tackle  him  yourself —  a  disagreeable  duty  ! 
You  know,  my  dear  sir,  how  invariably  I  leave  every 
thing  of  real  importance  and  difficulty  to  your  very 
superior  tact  and  experience." 

"  Come,  come,  Gammon,  that's  a  drop  of  sweet  oil." 

Quirk  might  well  say  so,  for  he  felt  its  softening, 
smoothing  effects  already. 

"  Upon  my  word  and  honour,  Mr.  Quirk,  I'm  in  earnest. 
Pshaw  ! — and  you  must  know  it.  I  know  you  too  well, 
my  dear  sir,  to  attempt  to — " 

"  Certainly,  I  must  say,  those  must  get  up  very  early 
that  can  find  "Caleb  Quirk  napping," — Gammon  felt  at 
that  moment  that  for  several  years  he  must  have  been  a 
very  early  riser.  And  so  the  matter  was  arranged  in  the 
manner  which  Gammon  had  wished  and  determined  upon, 
— i.  e.  that  Mr.  Titmouse  should  be  left  entirely  to  his 
management;  and,  after  some  little  discussion  as  to  the 
time  and  manner  of  the  meditated  advances,  the  partners 
parted.  On  entering  his  own  room,  Quirk  closing  his 
door,  stood  leaning  against  the  side  of  the  window,  with 
his  hands  in  his  pockets,  and  his  eyes  instinctively  resting 
on  his  banker's  book,  which  lay  on  the  table.  He  was  in 
a  very  brown  study ;  the  subject  on  which  his  thoughts 
were  busied  being  the  prudence  or  imprudence  of  leaving 
Titmouse  thus  in  the  hands  of  Gammon.  It  might  be  all 
very  well  for  Quirk  to  assert  his  self-confidence  when  in 
Gammon's  presence,  but  he  did  not  really  feel  it.  He 
never  left  Gammon  after  any  little  difference  of  opinion, 
however  friendly,  without  a  secret  suspicion  that  some- 
how or  another  Gammon  had  been  too  much  for  him,  and 
always  gained  his  purpose,  without  giving  Quirk  any 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  127 

handle  of  dissatisfaction.  In  fact,  Quirk  was  thoroughly 
afraid  of  Gammon,  and  Gammon  knew  it.  In  the  present 
instance,  an  undefinable  but  increasing  suspicion  and 
dissatisfaction  forced  him  presently  back  again  into  Gam- 
mon's room. 

"  I  say,  Gammon,  you  understand,  eh  1 — Fair  play,  you 
know,"  he  commenced,  with  a  sly  embarrassed  air,  ill 
concealed  under  a  forced  smile. 

"Pray,  Mr.  Quirk,  what  may  be  your  meaning?" 
inquired  Gammon,  with  unusual  tartness,  with  an  asto- 
nished air,  and  blushing  violently,  which  was  not  sur- 
prising; for  ever  since  Quirk  had  quitted  him,  Gammon's 
thoughts  had  been  occupied  with  only  one  question,  viz : 
how  he  should  go  to  work  with  Titmouse  to  satisfy  him 
that  he  (Gammon)  was  the  only  member  of  the  firm  that 
had  a  real  disinterested  regard  for  him,  and  so  acquire  a 
valuable  control  over  him.  Thus  occupied,  the  observa- 
tion of  Quirk  had  completely  taken  Gammon  aback ;  and 
he  lost  his  presence  of  mind,  of  course  his  temper  quickly 
following.  "  Will  you  favour  me,  Mr.  Quirk,  with  an 
explanation  of  your  extraordinarily  absurd  and  offensive 
observation?"  said  he,  reddening  more  and  more  as  he 
looked  at  Mr.  Quirk. 

"  You're  a  queer  hand,  Gammon,"  replied  Quirk,  with 
almost  an  equally  surprised  and  embarrassed  air,  for  he 
could  not  resist  a  sort  of  conviction  that  Gammon  had 
fathomed  what  had  been  passing  in  his  mind. 

"  What  did  you  mean,  Mr.  Quirk,  by  your  singular 
observation  just  now?"  said  Gammon  calmly,  having 
recovered  his  presence  of  mind. 

"  Mean  ?  Why,  that — we're  both  queer  hands,  Gam- 
mon, ha,  ha,  ha !"  answered  Quirk  with  an  anxious  laugh. 

"  I  shall  leave  Titmouse  entirely — entirely,  Mr.  Quirk, 
in  your  hands ;  I  will  have  nothing  whatever  to  do  with 
him.  I  am  quite  sick  of  him  and  his  affairs  already ;  I 
cannot  bring  myself  to  undertake  such  an  affair,  and  that 
was  what  I  was  thinking  of,  when — " 

"Eh?  indeed!  Well,  to  be  sure!  Only  think!"  said 
Quirk,  dropping  his  voice,  looking  to  see  that  the  two 
doors  were  shut,  and  resuming  the.  chair  which  he  had 
lately  quitted,  "  What  do  you  think  has  been  occurring  to 
me  in  my  own  room,  just  now  ?     Whether  it  would  suit 


128  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

us  better  to  throw  this  monkey  overboard,  put  ourselves 
confidentially  in  communication  with  the  party  in  posses- 
sion, and  tell  him  that — hem  !  hem ! — for  a— eh  1  You 
understand?  a  con-si-de-ra-tion — a  suitable  con-si-de-ra- 
tion." 

"  Mr.  Quirk !  Heavens  !"     Gammon  was  really  amazed. 

"  Well  1  You  needn't  open  your  eyes  so  very  wide, 
Mr.  Gammon — why  shouldn't  it  be  done?  You  know 
we  shouldn't  be  satisfied  with  a  trifle,  of  course.  But 
suppose  he'd  agree  to  buy  our  silence  with  four  or  five 
thousand  pounds,  really,  it's  well  worth  considering ! 
Upon  my  soul,  Gammon,  it  is  a  hard  thing  on  him ;  no 
fault  of  his,  and  it  is  very  hard  for  him  to  turn  out,  and 
for  such  a— eugh ! — such  a  wretch  as  Titmouse !  you'd 
feel  it  yourself,  Gammon,  if  you  were  in  his  place,  and 
I'm  sure  that  you'd  think  that  four  or  five  thou — " 

"But  is  not  Titmouse  our  poor  neighbour?"  said 
Gammon,  with  a  sly  smile. 

"  Why,  that's  only  one  way  of  looking  at  it,  Gammon  ! 
Perhaps  the  man  we  are  going  to  eject  does  a  vast  deal 
of  good  with  the  property ;  certainly  he  bears  a  very  high 
name  in  the  county — and  fancy  Titmouse  with  ten  thou- 
sand a- year !" 

"  Mr.  Q,uirk,  Mr.  Quirk,  it's  not  to  be  thought  of  for  a 
moment — not  for  a  moment,"  interrupted  Gammon,  se- 
riously, and  even  somewhat  peremptorily — "  nothing 
should  persuade  me  to  be  any  party  to  such — " 

At  this  moment  Snap  burst  into  the  room  with  a  heated 
appearance,  and  a  chagrined  air — 

«  Pitch  v.  Grub." 

This  was  a  little  pet  action  of  poor  Snap's :  it  was  for 
slander  uttered  by  the  defendant,  a  green-grocer,  against 
the  plaintiff,  charging  the  plaintiff  with  having  the  mange, 
on  account  of  which  a  lady  refused  to  marry  him. 

"  Pitch  v.  Grub,  just  been  tried  at  Guildhall.  Witness 
bang  up  to  the  mark — words  and  damages  proved ;  slap- 
ping speech  from  Serjeant  Shout. — Verdict  for  plaintiff, 
one  farthing;  and  Lord  Lumpington  said,  as  the  jury  had 
given  plaintiff  one  farthing  for  damages,  he  would  give 
him  another  for  costs,*  and  that  would  make  a  halfpenny ; 

*  1  suppose  myself  to  be  alluding  here  to  a  very  oppressive  statute, 
passed  to  clip  the  wings  of  such  gentlemen  as  Mr.  Snap,  by  which 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  129 

on  which  the  defendant's  attorney  tendered  me — a  half- 
penny on  the  spot.  Laughter  in  court — move  for  new- 
trial  first  day  of  next  term,  and  tip  his  lordship  a  rattler 
in  the  next  Sunday's  Flashy 

"  Mr.  Quirk,  once  for  all,  if  these  kind  of  actions  are  to 
.go  on,  I'll  leave  the  firm,  come  what  will."  It  flickered 
across  his  mind  that  Titmouse  would  be  a  capital  client 
to  start  with  on  his  own  account.  "  I  protest  our  names 
will  quite  stink  in  the  profession." 

"Good,  Mr. Gammon, good!"  interrupted  Snap,  warmly; 
"  your  little  action  for  the  usury  penalties  the  other  day 
came  off  so  uncommon  well !" 

"  Let  me  tell  you,  Mr.  Snap,"  interrupted  Gammon, 
reddening — 

"Pho!  Come!  Can't  be  helped — fortune  of  the  war,"— 
interrupted  the  head  of  the  firm. — "  Is  Pitch  solvent? — 
Of  course  we've  security  for  costs  out  of  pocket." 

Now,  the  fact  was,  that  poor  Snap  had  picked  up  Pitch 
at  one  of  the  police  offices,  and,  in  his  zeal  for  business, 
had  undertaken  his  case  on  pure  speculation,  relying  on 
the  apparent  strength  of  the  plaintiff's  case — Pitch  being 
only  a  waterman  attached  to  a  coach-stand.  When, 
therefore,  the  very  ominous  question  of  Mr.  Quirk  met 
Snap's  ear,  he  suddenly  happened  (at  least  he  thought  so) 
to  hear  himself  called  from  the  clerk's  room,  and  bolted 
out  of  Mr.  Gammon's  room  rather  unceremoniously. 

"  Snap  will  be  the  ruin  of  the  firm,  Mr.  Quirk,"  said 
Gammon,  with  an  air  of  disgust.  "  But  I  really  must  get 
on  with  the  brief  I'm  drawing ;  so,  Mr.  Quirk,  we  can 
talk  about  Mr.  Titmouse  to-morrow?" 

The  brief  he  was  drawing  up  was  for  a  defendant  who 
was  going  to  nonsuit  the  plaintiff,  (a  man  with  a  large 
family,  who  had  kindly  lent  the  defendant  a  considerable 
sum  of  money,)  solely  because  of  the  want  of  a  stamp. 

Quirk  differed  in  opinion  with  Gammon,  and,  as  he 
resumed  his  seat  at  his  desk,  he  could  not  help  writing 

it  is  enacted  that,  in  actions  for  slander,  if  the  jury  find  a  verdict 
under  forty  shillings,  c.  g.,  as  in  the  case  in  the  text,  for  one  farthing, 
the  plaintiff  shall  be  entitled  to  recover  from  the  defendant  only  as 
much  costs  as  damages,  i.  e.,  another  farthing ;  a  provision  which  has 
made  many  a  poor  pettifogger  sneak  out  of  court  with  a  flea  in  his 
ear. 


130  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

the  words,  "  Quirk  and  Snap"  and  thinking  how  well 
such  a  firm  would  sound  and  work — for  Snap  was  verily 
a  chip  of  the  old  block  ! 

There  will  probably  never  be  wanting  those  who  will 
join  in  abusing  and  ridiculing  attorneys  and  solicitors. 
Why  1  In  almost  every  action  at  law,  or  suit  in  equity, 
or  proceeding  which  may,  or  may  not,  lead  to  one,  each 
client  conceives  a  natural  dislike  for  his  opponent's  attor- 
ney or  solicitor.  If  the  plaintiff  succeeds,  he  hates  the 
defendant's  attorney  for  putting  him  (the  said  plaintiff)  to 
so  much  expense,  and  causing  him  so  much  vexation  and 
danger,  and,  when  he  comes  to  settle  with  his  own 
attorney,  there  is  not  a  little  heart-burning  in  looking  at 
his  bill  of  costs,  however  reasonable.  If  the  plaintiff  fails, 
of  course  it  is  through  the  ignorance  and  unskilfulness  of 
his  attorney  or  solicitor ;  and  he  hates  almost  equally  his 
own  and  his  opponent's  attorney.  Precisely  so  is  it  with 
a  successful  or  unsuccessful  defendant.  In  fact,  an  at- 
torney or  solicitor  is  almost  always  obliged  to  be  acting 
adversely  to  some  one  of  whom  he  at  once  makes  an 
enemy,  for  an  attorney's  weapons  must  necessarily  be 
pointed  almost  invariably  at  our  pockets !  He  is  necessa- 
rily, also,  called  into  action  in.  cases  when  all  the  worst 
passions  of  our  nature — our  hatred  and  revenge,  and  our 
self-interest — are  set  in  motion.  Consider  the  mischief 
that  might  be  constantly  done  on  a  grand  scale  in  society, 
if  the  vast  majority  of  attorneys  and  solicitors  were  not 
honourable  and  able  men  !  Conceive  them,  for  a  moment, 
disposed  every  where  to  stir  up  litigation,  by  availing 
themselves  of  their  perfect  acquaintance  with  almost  all 
men's  circumstances — artfully  inflaming  irritable  and 
vindictive  clients,  kindling,  instead  of  stifling,  family  dis- 
sentions,  and  fomenting  public  strife — why,  were  they 
to  do  only  a  hundredth  part  of  what  it  is  thus  in  their 
power  to  do,  our  courts  of  justice  would  soon  be  doubled, 
together  with  the  number  of  our  judges,  counsel,  and 
attorneys. 

But  not  all  this  body  of  honourable  and  valuable  men 
are  entitled  to  this  tribute  of  praise.  There  are  a  few 
Quirks,  several  Gammons,  and  many  Snaps,  in  the  profes- 
sion of  the  law — men  whose  character  and  doings  often 
make  fools  visit  the   sins  of  individuals  upon  the  whole 


TEN  THOUSAND    A- YEAR.  131 

species ;  nay,  there  are  far  worse,  as  I  have  heard — but  I 
must  return  to  my  narrative. 

On  Friday  night,  the  28th  of  July,  182-,  the  state  of 
Mr.  Titmouse's  affairs  was  this  :  he  owed  his  landlady 
£1  9s.;  his  washerwoman,  6s.;  his  tailor,  £1  8s. — in  all, 
three  guineas  ;  besides  10s.  to  Huckaback,  (for  Tittlebat's 
notion  was,  that  on  repayment  at  any  time  of  10s.,  Huck- 
aback would  be  bound  to  deliver  up  to  him  the  document 
or  voucher  which  he  had  given  him,)  and  a  weekly  accruing 
rent  of  7s.  to  his  landlady,  besides  some  very  small  sums 
for  washing,  tea,  bread  and  butter,  &c.  To  meet  these 
serious  liabilities,  he  had — not  one  farthing. 

On  returning  to  his  lodgings  that  night,  he  found  a  line 
from  Thumbscrew,  his  landlady's  broker,  informing  him 
that,  unless  by  ten  o'clock  on  the  next  morning  his  arrears 
of  rent  were  paid,  he  should  distrain,  and  she  would  also 
give  him  notice  to  quit  at  the  end  of  the  week  ;  that 
nothing  could  induce  her  to  give  him  further  lime.  He 
sat  down  in  dismay  on  reading  this  threatening  document ; 
and,  in  sitting  down,  his  eye  fell  on  a  bit  of  paper  lying 
on  the  floor,  which  must  have  been  thrust  under  the  door. 
From  the  marks  on  it,  it  was  evident  that  he  must  have 
trod  upon  it  in  entering.  It  proved  to  be  a  summons  from 
the  Court  of  Requests,  for-£l  8s.,  due  to  Job  Cox,  his 
tailor.  He  deposited  it  mechanically  on  the  table ;  and 
for  a  minute  he  dared  hardly  breathe. 

This  seemed  something  really  like  a  crisis. 

After  a  silent  agony  of  half  an  hour's  duration,  he  rose 
trembling  from  his  chair,  blew  out  his  candle,  and,  in  a 
few  minutes'  time,  might  have  been  seen  standing  with  a 
pale  and  troubled  face  before  the  window  of  old  Balls, 
the  pawnbroker,  peering  through  the  suspended  articles 
— watches,  sugar-tongs,  rings,  brooches,  spoons,  pins, 
bracelets,  knives  and  forks,  seals,  chains,  &c. — to  see 
whether  any  one  else  than  old  Balls  were  within.  Having 
at  length  watched  out  a  very  pale  and  wretched-looking 
woman,  Titmouse  entered  to  take  her  place ;  and  after 
interchanging  a  few  words  with  the  white-haired  and 
hard-hearted  old  pawnbroker,  produced  his  guard-chain, 
his  breast-pin,  and  his  ring,  and  obtained  three  pounds 
two  shillings  and  sixpence,  on  the  security  of  them.  With 
this  sum  he  slunk  out  of  the  shop,  and  calling  on  Cox, 


132  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

his  tailor,  paid  his  trembling  old  creditor  the  full  amount 
of  his  claim  (£l  8s.)  together  with  4s.,  the  expense  of  the 
summons — simply  asking  for  a  receipt,  without  utterng 
another  word,  for  he  felt  almost  choked. 

In  the  same  way  he  dealt  with  Mrs.  Squallop,  his  land- 
lady— not  uttering  one  word  in  reply  to  her  profuse  and 
voluble  apologies,  but  pressing  his  lips  between  his  teeth 
till  the  blood  came  from  them,  while  his  heart  seemed 
bursting  within  him.  Then  he  walked  up  stairs,  with  a 
desperate  air — with  eighteenpence  in  his  pocket — all  his 
ornaments  gone — his  washerwoman  yet  unpaid — his  rent 
going  on — several  other  little  matters  unsettled ;  and  the 
10th  of  August  approaching,  when  he  expected  to  be  dis- 
missed penniless  from  Mr.  Tagrag's,  and  thrown  on  his 
own  resources  for  subsistence.  When  he  had  regained 
his  room,  and,  having  shut  the  door,  had  re-seated  him- 
self at  his  table,  he  felt  for  a  moment  as  if  he  could  have 
yelled.  Starvation  and  Despair,  two  fiends,  seemed  sit- 
ting beside  him  in  shadowy  ghastliness,  chilling  and  pal- 
sying him — petrifying  his  heart  within  him.  What  was 
he  to  do  ?  Why  had  he  been  born  ?  Why  was  he  so 
much  more  persecuted  and  miserable  than  any  one  else? 
Visions  of  his  ring,  his  breast-pin,  his  studs,  stuck  in  a 
bit  of  card,  with  their  price  written  above  them,  and 
hanging  exposed  to  his  view  in  old  Ball's  window,  almost 
frenzied  him.     Thoughts  such  as  those  at  length  began 

to  suggest  others  of  a  dreadful  nature The 

means  were  at  that  instant  within  his  reach 

A  sharp  knock  at  the  door  startled  him  out  of  the  stupor 
into  which  he  was  sinking.  He  listened  for  a  moment,  as 
if  he  were  not  certain  that  the  sound  was  a  real  one. 
There  seemed  a  ton  weight  upon  his  heart,  which  a 
mighty  sigh  could  lift  for  an  instant,  but  not  remove ;  and 
he  was  in  the  act  of  heaving  a  second  such  sigh,  as  he 
languidly  opened  the  door — expecting  to  encounter  Mr. 
Thumbscrew,  or  some  of  his  myrmidons,  who  might  not 
know  of  his  recent  settlement  with  his  landlady. 

"Is  this  Mr. — Tit — Titmouse's?"  inquired  a  genteel 
looking  young  man. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Titmouse,  sadly. 

"Are  you  Mr.  Titmouse?" 

"  Yes,"  he  replied,  more  faintly  than  before. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  133 

"  Oh — I  have  brought  you,  sir,  a  letter  from  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, of  the  firm  of  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  solicitors, 
Saffron  Hill,"  said  the  stranger,  unconscious  that  his  words 
shot  a  flash  of  light  into  a  little  abyss  of  sorrow  before 
him.  "  He  begged  me  to  give  this  letter  into  your  own 
hands,  and  said  he  hoped  you'd  send  him  an  answer  by 
the  first  morning's  post." 

"Yes — oh — I  see — certainly — to  be  sure — with  plea- 
sure— how  is  Mr.  Gammon  1 — uncommon  kind  of  him — 
very  humble  respects  to  him — take  care  to  answer  it" — 
stammered  Titmouse,  in  a  breath,  hardly  knowing  whether 
he  was  standing  on  his  head  or  his  heels,  and  not  quite 
certain  where  he  was. 

"  Good  evening,  sir,"  replied  the  stranger,  evidently  a 
little  surprised  at  Titmouse's  manner,  and  withdrew. 
Titmouse  shut  his  door.  With  prodigious  trepidation  of 
hand  and  flutter  of  spirits,  he  opened  the  letter — an  en- 
closure meeting  his  eyes  in  the  shape  of  a  bank  note. 

44  Oh  Lord  !"  he  murmured,  turning  white  as  the  sheet 
of  paper  he  held.  Then  the  letter  dropped  from  his  hand, 
and  he  stood  as  if  stupified  for  some  moments ;  but  pre- 
sently rapture  darted  through  him  ;  a  five-pound  bank- 
note was  in  his  hand,  and  it  had  been  enclosed  in  the 
following  letter : 

"  35,  Thavie's  Inn,  29th  July,  182-. 

44  My  dear  Mr.  Titmouse, 

"  Your  last  note,  addressed  to  our  firm,  has  given  me 
the  greatest  pain,  and  I  hasten,  on  my  return  from  the 
country,  to  forward  you  the  enclosed  trifle,  which  I  sin- 
cerely hope  will  be  of  temporary  service  to  you.  May  I 
beg  the  favour  of  your  company  on  Sunday  evening  next, 
at  seven  o'clock,  to  take  a  glass  of  wine  with  me  1  I 
shall  be  quite  alone  and  disengaged  ;  and  may  have  it  in 
my  power  to  make  you  some  important  communications 
concerning  matters  in  which,  I  assure  you,  I  feel  a  very 
deep  interest  on  your  account.  Begging  the  favour  of  an 
early  answer  to-morrow  morning,  I  trust  you  will- believe 
me,  ever,  my  dear  sir,  your  most  faithful  humble  servant, 

■  Oily  Gammon. 

44  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  Esq." 

vol.  i.  12 


134  TEN  THOUSAND   A-YEAR. 

The  first  balmly  drop  of  the  long-expected  golden 
shower  had  at  length  fallen  upon  the  panting  Titmouse. 
How  polite — nay,  how  affectionate  and  respectful — was 
the  note  of  Mr.  Gammon  !  and,  for  the  first  time  in  his 
life,  he  saw  himself  addressed  "  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  Es- 
quire." If  his  room  had  been  large  enough  to  admit  of 
it,  Titmouse  would  have  skipped  round  it  again  and 
again  in  his  frantic  ecstacy.  Having  at  length  read  over 
and  over  again  the  blessed  letter  of  Mr.  Gammon,  he 
hastily  folded  it  up,  crumpled  up  the  bank  note  in  his 
hand,  clapped  his  hat  on  his  head,  blew  out  his  candle, 
rushed  down  stairs  as  if  a  mad  dog  were  at  his  heels,  and 
in  three  or  four  minutes'  time  was  standing  breathless 
before  old  Balls,  whom  he  almost  electrified  by  asking, 
with  an  eager  and  joyous  air,  for  a  return  of  the  articles 
which  he  had  only  an  hour  before  pawned  with  him ;  at 
the  same  time  laying  down  the  duplicates  and  the  bank 
note.  The  latter  old  Balls  scrutinized  with  the  most 
anxious  exactness,  and  even  suspicion — but  it  seemed 
perfectly  unexceptionable ;  so  he  gave  him  back  his  pre- 
cious ornaments,  and  the  change  out  of  his  note,  minus  a 
trifling  sum  for  interest.  Titmouse  then  started  off  at 
top-speed  to  Huckaback ;  but  it  suddenly  occurring  to 
him  as  possible  that  that  gentleman,  on  hearing  of  his 
good  fortune,  might  look  for  an  immediate  repayment  of 
the  ten  shillings  he  had  recently  lent  to  Titmouse,  he 
stopped  short — paused — and  returned  home.  There  he 
had  hardly  been  seated  a  moment,  when  down  he  pelted 
again,  to  buy  a  sheet  of  paper  and  a  wafer  or  two,  to 
write  his  letter  to  Mr.  Gammon  ;  which  having  obtained, 
he  returned  at  the  same  speed,  almost  overturning  his  fat 
landlady,  who  looked  after  him  as  if  he  were  a  mad  cat 
scampering  up  and  down  stairs,  and  fearing  that  he  had 
gone  suddenly  crazy.  The  note  he  wrote  to  Mr.  Gam- 
mon was  so  exceedingly  extravagant,  that,  candid  as  I 
have,  I  trust,  hitherto  shown  myself  in  the  delineation  of 
Mr.  Titmouse's  character,  I  cannot  bring  myself  to  give 
the  said  letter  to  the  reader — making  all  allowances  for 
the  extraordinary  excitement  of  its  writer. 

Sleep  that  night  and  morning  found  and  left  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse the  assured  exulting  master  of  ten  thousand 
a-year.     Of  this  fact,  the  oftener  he  read  Mr.  Gammon's 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  135 

letter,  the  stronger  became  his  convictions.  'Twas  un- 
doubtedly rather  a  large  inference  from  small  premises  ; 
but  it  secured  him  unspeakable  happiness,  for  a  time,  at 
a  possible  cost  of  future  disappointment  and  misery,  which 
he  did  not  pause  to  consider.  The  fact  is,  that  logic, 
(according  to  Dr.  Watts,  the  right  use  of  reason)  is  not  a 
practical  art.  No  one  regards  it  in  actual  life.  Observe, 
therefore,  folks  on  all  hands  constantly  acting  like  Tit- 
tlebat Titmouse  in  the  case  before  us.  His  conclusion 
was — that  he  had  become  the  certain  master  of  ten  thou- 
sand a-year ;  his  premises  were  what  the  reader  has 
seen.  I  do  not,  however,  mean  to  say,  that  if  the  reader 
be  a  youth  hot  from  the  University,  he  may  not  be  able 
to  prove,  by  a  very  refined  and  ingenious  argument,  that 
Titmouse  was,  in  what  he  did  above,  a  fine  natural  logi- 
cian ;  for  I  recollect  that  Aristotle  hath  demonstrated,  by 
a  famous  argument,  that  the  moon  is  made  of  green 
cheese ;  and  no  one  that  I  have  heard  of,  hath  ever  been 
able  to  prove  the  contrary. 

By  six  o'clock  the  next  morning,  Titmouse  had,  with 
his  own  hand,  dropped  his  answer  into  the  letter-box 
upon  the  door  of  Mr.  Gammon's  chamber  in  Thavies' 
Inn  ;  in  which  answer  he  had,  with  numerous  expressions 
of  profound  respect  and  gratitade,  accepted  Mr.  Gammon's 
polite  invitation.  A  very  happy  man  felt  he,  as  he  re- 
turned to  Oxford  Street  ;  entering  Messrs.  Dowlas's  pre- 
mises with  alacrity,  just  as  they  were  being  opened,  and 
volunteering  his  assistance  in  numerous  things  beyond 
his  usual  province,  with  singular  briskness  and  energy; 
as  if  conscious  that  by  doing  so  he  was  greatly  gratifying 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  whose  wishes  upon 
the  subject  he  knew.  He  displayed  such  unwonted  cheer- 
fulness and  patient  good-nature  throughout  the  day,  that 
one  of  his  companions,  a  serious  youth,  in  a  white  necker- 
chief, black  clothes,  and  with  a  sanctified  countenance — 
the  only  professing  pious  person  in  the  establishment — 
took  an  occasion  to  ask  him,  in  a  mysterious  whisper, 
"  whether  he  had  not  got  converted ;"  and  whether  he 
would,  at  six  o'clock  in  the  morning,  accompany  the 
speaker  to  a  room  in  the  neighbourhood,  where  he  (the 
youth  aforesaid)  was  going  to  conduct  an  exhortation 
and  prayer  meeting  ! 


136  TEN   THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Titmouse  refused — but  not  without  a  few  qualms  ;  for 
luck  certainly  seemed  to  be  smiling  on  him,  and  he  felt 
that  he  ought  to  be  grateful  for  it ;  but  then,  he  at  length 
reflected,  the  proper  place  for  that  sort  of  thing  would  be 
a  regular  church — to  which  he  resolved  to  go.  This 
change  of  manners  Tagrag,  however,  looked  upon  as 
assumed  only  to  affront  him  ;  seeing  nothing  but  imper- 
tinence and  defiance  in  all  that  Titmouse  did — as  if  the 
nearer  Titmouse  got  to  the  end  of  his  bondage — i.  e.  the 
10th  of  August — the  lighter-hearted  he  grew.  He  re- 
solved religiously  to  keep  his  counsel ;  to  avoid  even — 
at  all  events  for  the  present — communicating  with  Hucka- 
back. 

On  the  ensuing  Sunday,  he  rose  at  an  earlier  hour  than 
usual,  and  took  nearly  twice  as  long  a  time  to  dress- 
often  falling  into  many  delightful  reveries.  By  eleven 
o'clock  he  might  be  seen  entering  the  gallery  of  St.  An- 
drew's Church,  Holborn  ;  where  he  considered  that  doubt- 
less Mr.  Gammon,  who  lived  in  the  neighbourhood,  might 
attend.  He  asked  three  or  four  pew-openers,  both  below 
and  above,  if  they  knew  which  was  Mr.  Gammon's  pew — 
Mr.  Gammon  of  Thavies'  Inn  ;  not  dreaming  of  presump- 
tuously going  to  the  pew,  but  of  sitting  in  some  place  that 
commanded  a  view  of  it.  Mr.  Gammon,  I  need  hardly 
say,  was  quite  unknown  there— no  one  had  ever  heard  of 
such  a  person  :  nevertheless  Titmouse,  albeit  a  little  galled 
at  being,  in  spite  of  his  elegant  appearance,  slipped  into  a 
back  pew,  remained — but  his  thoughts  wandered  griev- 
ously the  whole  time;  on  then  he  sauntered  in  the  direc- 
tion of  Hyde  Park,  to  which  he  seemed  now  to  have  a 
sort  of  claim.  How  soon  might  he  become,  instead  of  a 
mere  spectator  as  heretofore,  a  partaker  in  its  glories ! 
The  dawn  of  the  day  of  fortune  was  on  his  long-benighted 
soul;  and  he  could  hamdly  subdue  his  excited  feelings. 
Punctual  to  his  appointment,  as  the  clock  struck  seven,  he 
made  his  appearance  at  Mr.  Gammon's  with  a  pair  of  span 
new  white  kid  gloves  on,  and  was  speedily  ushered,  a 
little  flurried,  by  a  comfortable-looking  elderly  female  ser- 
vant, into  Mr.  Gammon's  room.  He  was  dressed  just  as 
when  he  was  first  presented  to  the  reader,  sallying  forth 
into  Oxford  Street,  to  enslave  the  lady-world.  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, who   was  sitting  reading  the   Sunday  Flash  at  a 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  137 

table  on  which  stood  a  couple  of  decanters,  several  wine- 
glasses, and  two  or  three  dishes  of  fruit,  rose  and  received 
his  distinguished  visiter  with  the  most  delightful  affability. 

"  I  am  most  happy,  Mr.  Titmouse,  to  see  you  in  this 
friendly  way,"  said  he,  shaking  him  by  the  hand. 

"  Oh,  don't  name  it,  sir,"  quoth  Titmouse,  rather  indis- 
tinctly, and  hastily  running  his  hand  through  his  hair. 

"I've  nothing,  you  see,  to  offer  you  but  a  little  fruit, 
and  a  glass  of  fair  port  or  sherry." 

"  Particular  fond  of  them,  sir,"  replied  Titmouse,  endea- 
vouring to  clear  his  throat ;  for  in  spite  of  a  strong  effort 
to  appear  at  his  ease,  he  was  unsuccessful ;  so  that  when 
Qammon's  keen  eye  glanced  at  the  bedizened  figure  of 
his  guest,  a  bitter  smile  passed  over  his  face,  without  hav- 
ing been  observed.  "  77ns"  thought  he,  as  his  eye 
passed  from  the  ring  glittering  on  the  little  finger  of  the 
right  hand,  to  the  studs  and  breast-pin  in  the  shirt  front, 
and  thence  to  the  guard-chain  glaring  entirely  outside  a 
damson-coloured  satin  waistcoat,  and  the  spotless  white 
glove  which  yet  glistened  on  the  left  hand — tl  This  is  the 
writer  of  the  dismal  epistle  of  the  other  day,  announcing 
his  desperation  and  destitution  !" 

"Your  health,  Mr.  Titmouse! — help  yourself!"  said 
Mr.  Gammon,  in  a  cheerful  and  cordial  tone;  Titmouse 
pouring  out  a  glass  only  three-quarters  full,  raised  it  to  his 
lips  with  a  slightly  tremulous  hand,  and  returned  Mr. 
Gammon's  salutation.  When  had  Titmouse  tasted  a 
glass  of  wine  before  1 — a  reflection  occurring  not  only  to 
himself,  but  also  to  Gammon,  to  whom  it  was  a  circum< 
stance  that  might  be  serviceable. 

"  You  see,  Mr.  Titmouse,  mfhe's  only  a  small  bachelors 
establishment,  and  I  cannot  put  my  old  servant  out  of  the 
way  by  having  my  friends  to  dinner" — quite  forgetting 
that  the  day  before  he  had  entertained  at  least  six  friends, 
including  Mr.  Frankpledge — but  the  idea  of  going  through 
a  dinner  with  Mr.  Titmouse  ! 

And  now,  O  inexperienced  Titmouse  !  unacquainted 
with  the  potent  qualities  of  wine,  I  warn  you  to  be  cau- 
tious how  you  drink  many  glasses,  for  you  cannot  calcu- 
late the  effect  which  they  will  have  upon  you ;  and,  in- 
deed, methinks  that  with  this  man  you  have  a  game  to 
12* 


138  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

play  which  will  not  admit  of  much  wine  being  drank.  Be 
you,  therefore,  on  your  guard ;  for  wine  is  like  a  strong 
serpent,  who  will  creep  unperceived  into  your  empty 
head,  and  coil  himself  up  therein,  until  at  length  he  moves 
about — and  all  things  are  as  nought  to  you  ! 

"  Oh,  sir,  'pon  my  honour,  beg  you  won't  name  it — all 
one  to  me,  sir ! — Beautiful  wine  this,  sir." 

"  Pretty  fair,  I  think — certainly  rather  old  ; — but  what 
fruit  will  you  take — currants  or  cherries'?" 

"  Why — a — I've  so  lately  dined,"  replied  Titmouse, 
alluding  to  an  exceedingly  slight  repast  at  a  coffee-shop 
about  two  o'clock.  He  would  have  preferred  the  cherries, 
but  did  not  feel  quite  at  his  ease  how  to  dispose  of  the 
stones  nicely — gracefully — so  he  took  a  very  few  red 
currants  upon  his  plate,  and  eat  them  slowly,  and  with  a 
modest  air. 

"  Well,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  commenced  Gammon,  with  an 
air  of  concern,  "  I  was  really  much  distressed  by  your 
last  letter." 

"  Uncommon  glad  to  hear  it,  sir — knew  you  would,  sir 
— you're  so  kind-hearted  ; — all  quite  true,  sir  !" 

"  I  had  no  idea  that  you  were  reduced  to  such  straits," 
said  Gammon,  in  a  sympathizing  tone,  but  settling  his 
eye  involuntarily  on  the  ring  of  Titmouse. 

"  Quite  dreadful,  sir — 'pon  my  soul,  dreadful;  and  such 
usage  at  Mr.  Tagrag's  !" 

"  But  you  mustn't  think  of  going  abroad — away  from 
all  your  friends,  Mr.  Titmouse." 

"  Abroad,  sir  !"  interrupted  Titmouse,  with  anxious  but 
subdued  eagerness ;  "  never  thought  of  such  a  thing  !" 

«  Oh  !  I— I  thought • 

"  There  isn't  a  word  of  truth  in  it,  sir ;  and  if  you've 
heard  so,  it  must  have  been  from  that  audacious  fellow 
that  called  on  you — he's  such  a  liar — if  you  knew  him  as 
well  as  I  do,  sir  ?"  said  Titmouse,  with  a  confident  air, 
quite  losing  sight  of  his  letter  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon, 
and  Snap—"  No,  sir — shall  stay,  and  stick  to  friends  that 
stick  to  me." 

"  Take  another  glass  of  wine,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  inter- 
rupted Gammon,  cordially,  and  Mr.  Titmouse  obeyed 
him ;  but  while  he  was  pouring  it  out,  a  sudden  recollec- 
tion of  his  letter  flashing  across  his  mind,  satisfied  him 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  139 

that  he  stood  detected  in  a  flat  lie  before  Mr.  Gammon, 
and  he  blushed  scarlet. 

"Do  you  like  the  sherry?"  inquired  Gammon,  perfectly 
aware  of  what  was  passing  through  the  mind  of  his  guest, 
and  wishing  to  divert  his  thoughts.  Titmouse  answered 
in  the  affirmative :  and  proceeded  to  pour  forth  such  a 
number  of  apologies  for  his  own  behaviour  at  Saffron 
Hill,  and  that  of  Huckaback  on  the  subsequent  occasion, 
as  Gammon  found  it  difficult  to  stop,  over  and  over  again 
assuring  him  that  all  had  been  forgiven  and  forgotten. 
When  Titmouse  came  to  the  remittance  of  the  five  pounds, 

"  Don't  mention  it,  my  dear  sir,"  interrupted  Gammon, 
very  blandly;  "it  gave  me,  I  assure  you,  far  greater 
satisfaction  to  send  it,  than  you  to  receive  it.  I  hope  it 
has  a  little  relieved  you'?"'. 

"I  think  so,  sir!  I  was,  'pon  my  life,  on  my  very  last 
legs." 

"  When  things  come  to  the  worst,  they  often  mend, 
Mr.  Titmouse  !  I  told  Mr.  Quirk  (who,  to  do  him  jus- 
tice, came  at  last  into  my  views)  that,  however  prema- 
ture, and  perhaps  imprudent  it  might  be  in  us  to  go  so 
far,  I  could  not  help  relieving  your  present  necessities, 
even  out  of  my  own  resources." 

Oh,  Gammon,  Gammon ! 

"  How  uncommon  kind  of  you,  sir !"  exclaimed  Tit- 
mouse. 

"  Not  in  the  least,  my  dear  sir.  Pray  fill  another  glass, 
Mr.  Titmouse  !  You  see  Mr.  Quirk  is  quite  a  man  of 
business — and  our  profession  too  often  affords  instances 
of  persons  whose  hearts  contract  as  their  purses  expand, 
Mr.  Titmouse — ha,  ha !  Indeed,  those  who  make  their 
money  as  hard  as  Mr.  Quirk  (who,  between  ourselves, 
dare  not  look  at  a  gallows,  or  the  hulks,  or  a  map  of 
Botany  Bay,  or  the  tread-mill,  or  the  stocks,  or  fifty  pri- 
soners in  the  face,  for  the  wrong  he  has  done  them)  are 
apt  to  be  slow  at  parting  with  it,  and  very  suspicious." 

"  Wrell,  I  hope  no  offence,  sir;  but  really  I  thought  as 
much,  directly  I  saw  that  old  gent." 

44  Ah — but  now  he  is  embarked,  heart  and  soul,  in  the 
affair." 

"  No  !     Is  he  really,  sir !"  inquired  Titmouse,  eagerly. 


140  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  That  is,"  replied  Gammon,  quickly,  "  so  long  as  I  am 
at  his  elbow,  urging  him  on — for  he  wants  some  one,  who 
— hem  !  In  fact,  my  dear  sir,  ever  since  I  had  the  good 
fortune  to  make  the  discovery,  which  happily  brought  us 
acquainted  with  each  other,  Mr.  Titmouse" — It  was  old 
Quirk  who  had  made  the  discovery,  and  Gammon  who 
had  from  the  first  thrown  cold  water  on  it — "  I  have  been 
doing  all  I  could  with  him,  and  I  trust  I  may  say,  have  at 
last  licked  the  thing  into  shape." 

"  I'll  take  my  oath,  sir,"  said  Titmouse,  excitedly,  "  I 
never  was  so  much  struck  with  any  one  in  all  my  born 
days  as  I  was  with  you,  sir,  when  you  first  came  to  my 
emp — to  Mr.  Tagrag's  sir — Lord,  sir,  how  uncommon 
sharp  you  seemed  !"  Gammon  smiled  with  a  deprecating 
air,  and  sipped  his  wine  in  silence ;  but  there  was  great 
sweetness  in  the  expression  of  his  countenance.  Poor 
Titmouse's  doubts,  hopes,  and  fears,  were  rapidly  sub- 
liming into  a  reverence  for  Gammon  !         *         *         * 

"  I  certainly  quite  agree  with  Mr.  Quirk,  that  the  diffi- 
culties in  our  way  are  of  the  most  serious  description. 
To  speak,  for  an  instant  only,  of  the  risk  we  ourselves 
incur  personally — would  you  believe  it,  my  dear  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse, in  such  a  disgraceful  state  are  our  laws,  that 
we  can't  gratify  our  feelings  by  taking  up  your  cause, 
without  rendering  ourselves  liable  to  imprisonment  for 
Heaven  knows  how  long,  and  a  fine  that  would  be  ruin 
itself,  if  we  should  be  found  out !" 

Titmouse  continued  silent,  his  wineglass  in  his  hand 
arrested  in  its  way  to  his  mouth  ;  which,  together  with 
his  eyes,  were  opened  to  their  widest  extent,  as  he  stared 
with  a  kind  of  horror  upon  Mr.  Gammon.  "  Are  we, 
then,  unreasonable,  my  dear  sir,  in  entreating  you  to  be 
cautious — nay,  in  insisting  on  your  compliance  with  our 
wishes,  in  all  that  we  shall  deem  prudent  and  necessary, 
when  not  only  your  own  best  interests,  but  our  charac- 
ters, liberties,  and  fortunes  are  staked  on  the  issue  of 
this  great  enterprise  1  I  am  sure,"  continued  Gammon, 
with  great  emotion,  "  you  will  feel  for  us,  Mr.  Titmouse. 
I  see  you  do  !"  Gammon  put  his  hand  over  his  eyes, 
in  order,  apparently,  to  conceal  his  emotion,  and  also  to 
observe  what   effect   he  had  produced  upon  Titmouse, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  141 

The  conjoint  influence  of  Gammon's  wine  and  elo- 
quence not  a  little  agitated  Titmouse,  in  whose  eyes 
stood  tears. 

"  I']]  do  any  thing — any  thing,  sir,"  he  almost  sobbed. 

"  Oh  !  all  we  wish  is  to  be  allowed  to  serve  you  effec- 
tually ;  and  to  enable  us  to  do  that " 

"  Tell  me  to  be  hid  in  a  coal-hole,  and  see  if  I  won't 
do  it." 

"  What  !  a  coal-hole  1 — Would  you,  then,  even  stop  at 
Dowlas,  Tagrag  and  Co.'s  V1 

"  Ye-e-e-e-s,  sir — hem !  hem  !  That  is,  till  the  tenth  of 
next  month,  when  my  time's  up." 

«  Ah  ! — ay  ! — oh,  I  understand  !  Another  glass,  Mr. 
Titmouse,  said  Gammon,  pouring  himself  out  some  more 
wine;  and  observing,  while  Titmouse  followed  his  exam- 
ple, that  there  was  an  unsteadiness  in  his  motions  of  a 
very  different  description  from  that  which  he  had  exhi- 
bited at  the  commencement  of  the  evening — at  the  same 
time  wondering  what  the  deuce  they  should  do  with  him 
after  the  tenth. 

"  You  see,  /  have  the  utmost  confidence  in  you,  and 
had  so  from  the  first  happy  moment  when  we  met ;  but 
Mr.  Quirk  is  rather  sus In  short,  to  prevent  misun- 
derstanding (as  he  says),  Mr.  Quirk  is  anxious  that  you 
should  give  a  written  promise."  (Titmouse  looked  eagerly 
about  for  writing  materials.)  "  No,  not  now,  but  in  a 
day  or  two's  time.  I  confess,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,  if 
I  might  have  decided  on  the  matter,  I  should  have  been 
satisfied  with  your  verbal  promise;  but,  I  must  say,  Mr. 
Quirk's  gray  hairs  seem  to  have  made  him  quite — 
eh?  you  understand!  Don't  you  think  so,  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse !" 

"  To  be  sure!  'pon  my  honour,  Mr.  Gammon  !"  replied 
Titmouse,  not  very  distinctly  understanding,  however, 
what  he  was  so  energetically  assenting  to. 

"  I  dare  say  you  wonder  why  we  wish  you  to  stop  a 
few  months  longer  at  your  present  hiding-place — at 
Dowlas's !" 

"Can't,  after  the  tenth  of  next  month,  sir." 

"  But  as  soon  as  we  begin  to  fire  off  our  guns  against 
the  enemy— Lord,  my  dear  sir,  if  they  could  only  find 
out,  you  know,  where  to  get  at  you — you  would  never 
live  to  enjoy  your  ten  thousand  a-year !     They'd  either 


142  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

poison  or  kidnap  you — get  you  out  of  the  way,  tinless 
you  keep  out  of  their  way:  and  if  you  will  but  consent 
to  keep  snug  at  Dowlas's  for  a  while,  who'd  suspect 
where  you  was  1  We  could  easily  arrange  with  your 
friend  Tagrag  that  you  should " 

"  My  stars  !  I'd  give  something  to  hear  you  tell  Tag- 
rag — why,  I  wonder  what  he'll  do  !' 

"  Make  you  very  comfortable,  and  let  you  have  your 
own  way  in  every  thing." 

"  Go  to  the  play,  for  instance,  whenever  I  want,  and  do 
all  that  sort  of  thing?" 

*'  Nay,  try  !  any  thing! — And  as  for  money,  I've  per- 
suaded Mr.  Quirk  to  consent  to  our  advancing  you  a 
certain  sum  per  week,  from  the  present  time,  while  the 
cause  is  going  on,"  (Titmouse's  heart  began  to  beat  fast,) 
"in  order  to  place  you  above  absolute  inconvenience;  and 
when  you  consider  the  awful  sums  we  shall  have  to  dis- 
burse— cash  out  of  pocket — (counsel,  you  know,  will  not 
open  their  lips  under  a  guinea) — for  court-fees,  and  other 
indispensable  matters,  I  should  candidly  say  that  four 
thousand  pounds  of  hard  cash  out  of  pocket,  advanced 
by  our  firm  in  your  case,  would  be  the  very  lowest." 
(Titmouse  stared  at  him  with  an  expression  of  stupid 
wonder.)  "  Yes — four  thousand  pounds,  Mr.  Titmouse, 
at  the  very  least — the  very  least."  Again  he  paused, 
keenly  scrutinizing  Titmouse's  features  by  the  light  of 
the  candles,  which  just  then  were  brought  in.  •'  You 
seem  surprised,  Mr.  Titmouse." 

11  Why — why — where's  all  the  money  to  come  from, 
sir  T'  exclaimed  Titmouse,  aghast. 

"  Ah  !  that  is,  indeed,  a  fearful  question,"  replied  Gam- 
mon, with  a  very  serious  air;  "  but  at  my  request,  our 
firm  has  agreed  to  make  the  necessary  advances ;  and 
also  (for  /  could  not  bear  the  sight  of  your  distress,  Mr. 
Titmouse !)  to  supply  your  necessities  liberally  in  the 
mean  time,  as  I  was  saying." 

"  Won't  you  take  another  glass  of  wine,  Mr.  Gammon !" 
suddenly  inquired  Titmouse,  with  a  confident  air. 

"  With  all  my  heart,  Mr.  Titmouse  !  I'm  delighted  that 
you  approve  of  it.    I  paid  enough  for  it,  I  can  warrant  you." 

"Cuss  me  if  ever  I  tasted  such  wine!  Uncommon  ! 
Come — no  heeltaps,  Mr.  Gammon — here  goes — let's  drink 
—success  to  the  affair  !" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  143 

44  With  all  my  heart,  my  dear  sir — with  all  my  heart. 
Success  to  the  thing — amen  !"  and  Gammon  drained  his 
glass  ;  so  did  Titmouse.  "  Ah  !  Mr.  Titmouse,  you'll  soon 
have  wine  enough  to  float  a  frigate — and,  indeed,  what 
not — with  ten  thousand  a-year  V* 

"  And  all  the  accumulations,  you  know — ha,  ha  !" 

44  Yes — to  be  sure — accumulations.  The  sweetest  es- 
tate that  is  to  be  found  in  all  Yorkshire.  Gracious,  Mr. 
Titmouse!"  continued  Gammon,  with  an  excited  air, 
44  what  may  you  not  do  1  Go  where  you  like — do  what 
you  like— get  into  Parliament — marry  some  lovely  wo- 
man !" 

44  Lord,  Mr.  Gammon!  you  ain't  dreaming?  Nor  I! 
But  now,  in  course,  you  must  be  paid  handsome  for  your 
trouble  !  Only  say  how  much — Name  your  sum  !  What 
you  please  !     You  only  give  me  all  you've  said." 

44  For  my  part,  I  wish  to  rely  entirely  on  your  mere 
word  of  honour.  Between  gentlemen,  you  know — my 
dear  sir." 

44  You  only  try  me,  sir." 

44  But  you  see,  Mr.  Quirk's  getting«old,  and  naturally  is 
anxious  to  provide  for  those  whom  he  will  leave  behind 
him — and  so  Mr.  Snap  agreed  with  him — two  to  one 
against  me,  Mr.  Titmouse — of  course  they  carried  the 
day — two  to  one." 

44  Only  say  the  figure." 

44  A  single  year's  income,  only — ten  thousand  pounds 
will  hardly " 

44  Ten  thousand  pounds!  By  jingo,  that  is  a  slice  out 
of  the  cake." 

44  A  mere  crumb,  my  dear  sir ! — a  trifle  !  Why,  we  are 
going  to  give  you  that  sum  at  least  every  year — and,  in- 
deed, it  was  suggested  to  our  firm,  that  unless  you  gave 
us  at  least  a  sum  of  twenty-five  thousand  pounds — in  fact, 
we  were  recommended  to  look  out  for  some  other  heir." 

44  It's  not  to  be  thought  of,  sir." 

44  So  I  said  ;  and  as  for  throwing  it  up — to  be  sure  we 
shall  have,  ourselves,  to  borrow  large  sums  to  carry  on 
the  war — and  unless  we  have  your  bond  for  at  least  ten 
thousand  pounds,  we  cannot  raise  a  farthing." 

44Hang'd  if  you  sha'n't  do  what  you  like!  Give  me 
your  hand,  and  do  what  you  like,  Gammon  !" 


144  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Thank  you,  Titmouse!  How  I  like  a  glass  of  wine 
with  a  friend  in  this  quiet  way! — you'll  always  find  me 
rejoiced  to  show " 

"  Your  hand !  By  George — Didn't  I  take  a  liking  to 
you  from  the  first !  But  to  speak  my  mind  a"  bit — as  for 
Mr.  Quirk — excuse  me — but  he's  a  cur — cur — cur — cur- 
mudgeon— hem  !" 

"  Hope  you've  not  been  so  imprudent,  my  dear  Tit- 
mouse," threw  in  Gammon,  rather  anxiously,  "as  to 
borrow  money,  eh  ?" 

"Devil  knows,  and  devil  cares!  No  stamp,  I  know — 
bang  up  to  the  mark" — here  he  winked  an  eye,  and  put 
his  finger  to  his  nose — "  wide  awake — Huck — uck — uck 
— uck !  how  his  name  sti — sticks.  Your  hand,  Gammon — 
here — this,  this  way — tol  de  rol,  tol  de  rol — ha !  ha  !  ha  !— 
what  are  you  bobbing  your  head  about  for  f  The  floor — 
how  funny — at  sea — here  we  go  up,  up,  up — here  we  go 
down,  down — oh  dear!" — he  clapped  his  hand  to  his  head. 

Pythagoras  has  finely  observed,  that  a  man  is  not  to  be 
considered  dead  drunk  till  he  lies  on  the  floor,  and  stretches 
out  his  arms  and  legs  to  prevent  his  going  lower. 

See-saw,  see-saw,  up  and  down,  up  and  down  went 
every  thing  about  him.  Now  he  felt  sinking  through  the 
floor,  then  gently  rising  to  the  ceiling.  Gammon  seemed 
getting  into  a  mist,  and  waving  about  the  candles  in  it. 
Mr.  Titmouse's  head  swam  ;  his  chair  seemed  to  be  rest- 
ing on  the  waves  of  the  sea. 

"  I'm  afraid  the  room's  rather  close,  Mr.  Titmouse," 
hastily  observed  Gammon,  perceiving  from  Titmouse's 
sudden  paleness  and  silence,  but  too  evident  symptoms 
that  his  powerful  intellect  was  for  a  while  paralyzed. 
Gammon  started  to  the  window  and  opened  it.  Paler, 
howeyer,  and  paler  became  Titmouse.  Gammon's  game 
was  up  much  sooner  than  he  had  calculated  on. 

"  Mrs.  Mumps  !  Mrs.  Mumps !  order  a  coach  instantly, 
and  tell  Tomkins"  (that  was  the  inn  porter)  "to  get  his 
son  ready  to  go  home  with  this  gentleman — he's  not  very 
well."  He  was  obeyed.  It  was,  in  truth,  all  up  with 
Titmouse — at  least  for  a  while. 

As  soon  as  Gammon  had  thus  got  rid  of  his  distin- 
guished guest,  he  ordered  the  table  to  be  cleared  of  the 
glasses,  and  tea  to  he  ready  within  half  an  hour.     He  then 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  145 

walked  out  to  enjoy  the  cool  evening ;  on  returning,  sat 
pleasantly  sipping  his  tea,  now  and  then  dipping  into  the 
edifying  columns  of  the  Sunday  Flash,  but  oftener  rumi- 
nating upon  his  recent  conversation  with  Titmouse,  and 
speculating  upon  its  possible  results  ;  and  a  little  after 
eleven  o'clock,  that  good  man,  at  peace  with  all  the  world 
— calm  and  serene — retired  to  repose.  He  had  that  night 
rather  a  singular  dream  ;  it  was  of  a  snake  encircling  a 
monkey,  as  if  in  gentle  and  playful  embrace.  Suddenly 
tightening  its  folds,  a  crackling  sound  was  heard : — the 
writhing  coils  were  then  slowly  unwound — and,  with  a 
shudder,  he  heheld  the  monster  licking  over  the  motion- 
less figure,  till  it  was  covered  with  a  viscid  slime.  Then 
the  serpent  began  to  devour  its  prey ;  and,  when  gorged 
and  helpless,  behold,  it  was  immediately  fallen  upon  by 
two  other  snakes.  To  his  disturbed  fancy,  there  was  a 
dim  resemblance  between  their  heads  and  those  of  Quirk 
and  Snap — he  woke — thank  God  !  it  was  only  a  dream. 


VOL.1.  13 


146  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 


CHAPTER  IV. 

When,  after  his  return  from  Mr.  Gammon's  chambers, 
at  Thavies'  Inn,  Titmouse  woke  at  an  early  hour  in  the 
morning,  he  was  labouring  under  the  ordinary  effects  of 
unaccustomed  inebriety.  His  mouth  and  lips  were  per- 
fectly parched ;  there  was  a  horrid  weight  pressing  on  his 
aching  eyes,  and  upon  his  throbbing  head.  His  pillow 
seemed  undulating  beneath  him,  and  every  thing  swim- 
ming around  him  :  but  when,  to  crown  the  whole,  he  was 
roused  from  a  momentary  nap  by  the  insupportable,  the 
loathed  importunities  of  Mrs.  Squallop,  that  he  would  just 
sit  up  and  partake  of  three  thick  rounds  of  hot  buttered 
toast,  and  a  great  basin  of  smoking  tea,  which  would  do 
him  so  much  good,  and  settle  his  stomach — at  all  events, 
if  he'd  only  have  a  thimble  full  of  gin  in  it — poor  Tit- 
mouse was  fairly  overcome.  He  lay  in  bed  all  that  day, 
during  which  he  underwent  very  severe  sufferings  ;  and 
it  was  not  till  towards  night  that  he  began  to  have  any 
thing  like  a  distinct  recollection  of  the  evening  he  had 
spent  with  Mr.  Gammon ;  who,  by  the  way,  had  sent  one 
of  the  clerks  during  the  afternoon,  to  inquire  after  him. 
He  did  not  get  out  of  bed  on  the  Tuesday  till  past  twelve 
o'clock,  when,  in  a  very  rickety  condition,  he  made  his 
appearance  at  the  shop  of  Messrs  Dowlas  &  Co. ;  on  ap- 
proaching which  he  felt  a  sudden  faintness,  arising  from 
mingled  apprehension  and  disgust. 

"  What  are  you  doing  here,  sir  1 — You're  no  longer 
in  my  employment,  sir,"  exclaimed  Tagrag,  attempting 
to  speak  calmly,  as  he  hurried  down  the  shop  to  meet 
Titmouse,  and  planted  himself  right  in  the  way  of  his 
languid  and  pallid  shopman. 

"  Sir !" — faintly  exclaimed  Titmouse,  with  his  hat  in 
his  hand. 

11  Very  much  obliged,  sir — very  !  by  the  offer  of  your 
valuable  services,"  said  Tagrag.     "  But — that's  the  way 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  147 

out  again,  sir — that ! — there  ! — good  morning,  sir ! — that's 
the  way  out"— and  he  edged  on  Titmouse,  till  he  had  got 
him  fairly  into  the  street — with  infinite  difficulty  restrain- 
ing himself  from  giving  him  a  parting  kick.  Titmouse 
stood  for  a  moment  before  the  door,  trembling  and  aghast, 
looking  in  a  bewildered  manner  at  the  shop :  but  Tagrag 
again  making  his  appearance,  Titmouse  slowly  walked 
away  and  returned  to  his  lodgings.  Oh  that  Mr.  Gam- 
mon had  witnessed  the  scene — thought  he— and  so  have 
been  satisfied  that  it  had  been  Tagrag  who  had  put  an 
end  to  his  services,  not  he  himself  who  had  quitted  it ! 

The  next  day,  about  the  same  hour,  Mr.  Gammon  made 
his  appearance  at  Messrs.  Dowlas  and  Company's,  and 
inquired  for  Mr.  Tagrag,  who  presently  presented  him- 
self, and  recognising  Mr.  Gammon,  who  naturally  re- 
minded him  of  Titmouse,  changed  colour  a  little. 

"  What  did  you  please  to  want,  sir  ]"  inquired  Mr. 
Tagrag,  with  a  would-be  resolute  air,  twirling  round  his 
watch-key  with  some  energy. 

"  Only  a  few  minutes'  conversation,  sir,  if  you  please," 
said  Mr.  Gammon,  with  such  a  significant  manner  as  a 
little  disturbed  Mr.  Tagrag;  who,  with  an  ill-supported 
sneer,  bowed  very  low,  and  Jed  the  way  to  his  own  little 
room.  Having  closed  the  door,  he,  with  an  exceedingly 
civil  air,  begged  Mr.  Gammon  to  be  seated ;  and  then 
occupied  the  chair  opposite  to  him,  and  awaited  the  issue 
with  ill-disguised  anxiety. 

"  I  am  very  sorry,  Mr.  Tagrag,"  commenced  Gammon, 
with  his  usual  elegant  and  feeling  manner,  "  that  any 
misunderstanding  should  have  arisen  between  you  and 
Mr.  Titmouse." 

"  You're  a  lawyer,  sir,  I  suppose?"  Mr.  Gammon 
bowed.  "  Then  you  must  know,  sir,  that  there  are  al- 
ways two  sides  to  a  quarrel." 

u  Yes — you  are  right,  Mr.  Tagrag ;  and,  having  al- 
ready heard  Mr.  Titmouse's  version,  may  I  be  favoured 
with  your  account  of  your  reasons  for  dismissing  him  1 
For  he  tells  us  that  yesterday  you  dismissed  him  suddenly 
from  your  employment,  without  giving  him  any  warn" 

■  So  I  did,  sir ;  and  what  of  that  V  inquired  Tagrag, 
tossing  his  head  with  an  air  of  defiance.     "  Things  are 


148  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

come  to  a  pretty  pass  indeed,  when  a  man  can't  dismiss 
a  drunken,  idle,  impudent  vagabond." 

••  Do  you  seriously  charge  him  with  being  such  a  cha- 
racter, and  can  you  prove  your  charges,  Mr.  Tagragl" 
inquired  Gammon,  gravely. 

"  Prove  'em !  yes,  sir,  a  hundred  times  over ;  so  will 
my  young  men." 

"And  in  a  court  of  justice,  Mr.  Tagrag?" 

"  Oh  !  he's  going  to  law,  is  he  ]  That's  why  you're 
come  here — ah,  ha  !  when  you  can  make  a  silk  purse  out 
of  a  sow's  ear,  you  may  get  your  bill  out  of  Mr.  Tittlebat 
Titmouse  ! — ha,  ha,  ha  !"  laughed  Tagrag,  hoping  thereby 
to  conceal  how  much  he  was  really  startled. 

"  Well— that's  our  look-out,  Mr.  Tagrag :  to  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse, his  character  is  as  valuable  as  Mr.  Tagrag's  is  to 
him.  In  short,  he  has  placed  himself  in  our  hands,  and 
we  are  resolved  to  go  on  with  the  case  if  it  costs  us  a 
hundred  pounds — we  are  indeed,  Mr.  Tagrag." 

'"Why — he's  not  a  penny  in  the  world  to  go  to  law 
with  !"  exclaimed  Tagrag,  with  an  air  of  mingled  wonder 
and  contempt. 

"  But  you  forget,  Mr.  Tagrag,  that  if  Mr.  Titmouse's 
account  shall  turn  out  to  be  correct,  it  will  be  your  pocket 
that  must  pay  all  the  expenses,  amounting  probably  to 
twenty  times  the  sum  which  a  jury  may  award  to  Mr. 
Titmouse." 

"Law,  sir!  —  It's  not  justice  —  I  hate  law — give  me 
common  sense  and  common  honesty  !" 

"  Both  of  them  would  condemn  your  conduct,  Mr.  Tag- 
rag  ;  for  I  have  heard  a  full  account  of  what  Mr.  Titmouse 
has  suffered  at  your  hands — of  the  cause  of  your  sudden 
warning  to  him,  and  your  still  more  sudden  dismissal  of 
yesterday.  Oh,  Mr.  Tagrag  !  upon  my  honour, .  it  won't 
do — not  for  a  moment — and  should  you  go  on,  rely  upon 
what  I  tell  you,  that  it  will  cost  you  dear." 

"  And  suppose,  sir,"  said  Tagrag,  in  a  would-be  con- 
temptuous tone — "  I  should  have  witnesses  to  prove  all 
I've  said — which  of  us  will  look  funny  then,  sir  1'* 

"  Which,  indeed !  However,  since  that  is  your  hu- 
mour, I  can  only  assure  you  that  Mr.  Titmouse  defies  you 
to  prove  any  misconduct  on  his  part.     We  have  taken 


TEN  THOUSAND  A -YEAR.  149 

up  his  cause,  and,  as  you  may  perhaps  find,  we  shall  not 
easily  let  it  drop." 

44 1  mean  no  offence,  sir,"  said  Tagrag,  in  a  mitigated 
tone ;  "  but  I  must  say,  that  ever  since  you  came  here, 
Titmouse  has  been  quite  another  person.  He  seems  not 
to  know  who  I  am,  nor  to  care  either — and  he's  perfectly 
unbearable." 

44  My  dear  sir,  what  has  he  said  or  done  ? — that,  you 
know,  is  what  you  must  be  prepared  to  prove." 

"  Well,  sir,  and  which  of  us  is  likely  to  be  best  off  for 
witnesses  1 — Think  of  that,  sir, — I've  eighteen  young 
men " 

44  We  shall  chance  that,  sir,"  replied  Gammon,  shrug- 
ging his  shoulders :  "  but  again  I  ask,  what  did  you  dis- 
miss him  for?  and  I  request  a  plain,  straightforward 
answer." 

"  What  did  I  dismiss  him  for  1  Haven't  I  eyes  and 
ears'? — First  and  foremost,  he's  the  most  odious  man- 
nered fellow  I  ever  came  near — and — he  hadn't  a  shirt 
to  his  back,  when  I  first  took  him  —  the  ungrateful 
wretch  !  Sir,  it's  not  against  the  law,  I  suppose,  to  hate 
a  man  ; — and  if  it  isn't,  how  I  hate  Titmouse  !" 

"  Mr.  Tagrag," — said  Gammon,  lowering  his  voice,  and 
looking  very  earnestly  at  his  companion — "  can  I  say  a 
word  to  you  in  confidence — the  strictest  confidence !" 

"  What's  it  about,  sir]"  inquired  Tagrag  with  an  ap- 
prehensive air. 

"  I  dare  say  you  may  have  felt,  perhaps,  rather  sur- 
prised at  the  interest  which  I — in  fact  our  office,  the  office 
of  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  in  Saffron  Hill — appear  to 
have  taken  in  Mr.  Titmouse." 

14  Why,  sj^,  it's  your  look-out  to  see  how  you're  to  be 
paid  for^^at  you're  doing, — and  I  dare  say  lawyers 
generally  keep  a  pretty  sharp  look-out  in  that  direction." 

Gammon  smiled,  and  continued — "  It  may,  perhaps,  a 
little  surprise  you,  Mr.  Tagrag,  to  hear  that  your  present 
(ought  I  to  say,  your  lute  ?)  shopman,  Mr.  Tittlebat  Tit, 
mouse,  is  at  this  moment  probably  the  very  luckiest  man 
in  this  kingdom." 

m  Why — you  don't  mean  to  say  he's  drawn  a  prize  in 
the  lottery  ?"—  exclaimed  Tagrag,  pricking  up  his  ears. 

44  Pho  !  my  dear  sir,  that  is  a  mere  trifle  compared  with 
13* 


150  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

the  good  fortune  that  has  befallen  him.  He  turns  out  to 
be  the  undoubted  owner  of  an  estate  worth  at  least  ten 
thousand  a-year,  besides  a  great  accumulation  of  ready 
money." 

"  Ten  thousand  a-year,  sir ! — My  Titmouse  ! — Tittlebat 
Titmouse ! — Ten  thousand  a-year !"  faltered  Tagrag, 
after  a  pause. 

"  I  have  as  little  doubt  of  the  fact,  as  I  have  that  you 
yesterday  turned  him  out  of  doors." 

"But — who  could  have  dreamt  if?  How  was — how 
was  I  to  know  it  1" 

"  That's  the  fact,  however,"  said  Gammon,  shrugging 
his  shoulders.  Tagrag  wriggled  about  in  his  chair,  put 
his  hands  in  and  out  of  his  pockets,  scratched  his  head, 
and  continued  staring  open-mouthed  at  the  bearer  of  such 
astonishing  intelligence.  "  Perhaps  all  this  is  meant  as  a 
joke,  sir," — said  he — "  if  so — it's— it's — a  very " 

"  It's  one  of  his  solicitors,  who  were  fortunate  enough 
to  make  the  discovery,  that  tells  you.  I  solemnly  assure 
you  of  the  fact,  Mr.  Tagrag.  Ten  thousand  a-year,  at 
the  least,  is  Mr.  Titmouse  now  the  real  owner  of." 

"  Why,  that's  two  hundred  thousand  pounds,  sir  !" — 
exclaimed  Tagrag,  with  an  awe-struck.-air. 

"  At  the  very  least " 

"  Lord,  Mr.  Gammon  ! — Excuse  me,  sir,  but  how  did 
you  find  it  out  1" 

11  Mere  accident — mere  accident,  sir." 

"  And  does  Mr.  Titmouse  know  it  V* 

"  Ever  since  the  day  after  that  on  which  I  called  on  him 
here." 

•*  You  don't  say  so !" — Tagrag  continued  silent  for 
nearly  a  minute,  evidently  amazed  beyond  all  power  of 
expression. 

"  Well," — at  length  he  observed — "  I  will  say  this — he's 
the  most  amiable  young  gentleman — the  very  amiablest 
young  gentleman  I — ever — came  near.  I  always  thought 
that  there  was  something  uncommon  superior-like  in  his 
looks." 

"  Yes — I  think  he  is  of  rather  an  amiable  turn,"  ob- 
served Gammon,  with  an  expressive  smile — "  and  so 
intelligent " 

"  Intelligent !    Mr.  Gammon !    you   should   only  have 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  151 

known  him  as  I  have  known  him ! — Well,  to  be  sure! — 
Lord !  His  only  fault  was,  that  he  was  above  his  business  ; 
but  when  one  comes  to  think  of  it,  how  could  it  be  other- 
wise !  From  the  time  I  first  clapped  eyes  on  him — I — I — 
knew  he  was — a  superior  article — quite  superior — you 
know  what  I  mean,  sir? — He  couldn't  help  it,  of  course  S — 
To  be  sure — he  never  was  much  liked  by  the  other  young 
men;  but  that  was  all  jealousy! — all  jealousy  ;  I  saw  that 
all  the  while."  Here  he  looked  at  the  door,  and  added  in 
a  very  low  tone,  "  Many  sleepless  nights  has  their  bad 
treatment  of  Mr.  Titmouse  cost  me ! — Even  I,  now  and 
then,  used  to  look  and  speak  sharply  to  him — just  to  keep 
him  as  it  were,  down  to  the  mark  of  the  others — he  was 
so  uncommon  handsome  and  genteel  in  his  manner,  sir. 
Hang  me,  if  I  didn't  tell  Mrs.  Tagrag  the  very  first  day 
he  came  to  me,  that  he  was  a  gentleman  born — or  ought 
to  have  been  one." 

Now,  do  you  suppose,  acute  reader,  that  Mr.  Tagrag 
was  insincere  in  all  this  ?  By  no  means.  He  spoke  the 
real  dictates  of  his  heart,  unaware  of  the  sudden  change 
which  had  taken  place  in  his  feelings.  It  certainly  has  an 
ugly  look — but  it  was  the  nature  of  the  beast ;  his  eye 
suddenly  caught  a  glimpse  of  the  golden  calf,  and  he  in- 
stinctively fell  down  and  worshipped  it.  "  Well — at  all 
events,"  said  Mr.  Gammon,  scarcely  able  to  keep  a  serious 
expression  on  his  face — "  though  not  a  gentleman  born 
he'll  live  like  a  gentleman — and  spend  his  money  like  one, 
too." 

"  I — I — dare  say — he  will !— I  wonder  how  he  will  get 
through  a  quarter  of  it ! — what  do  you  think  he'll  do,  sir  V 

"  Heaven  only  knows — he  may  do  just  what  he  likes." 

"  I  declare — I  feel  as  if  I  shouldn't  be  quite  right  again 
for  the  rest  of  the  day  ! — I  own  to  you,  sir,  that  all  yester- 
day and  to-day  I've  been  on  the  point  of  going  to  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse's lodgings  to  apologize  for — for Good  gracious 

me !  one  can't  take  it  all  in  at  once — Ten  thousand  a-year ! 
— Many  a  lord  hasn't  got  more — some  not  as  much,  I'll 
be  bound ! — Dear  me,  what  will  he  do ! — Well,  one  thing 
I'm  sure  of— he'll  never  have  a  truer  friend  than  plain 
Thomas  Tagrag,  though  I've  not  always  been  a  flattering 
him — I  respected  him  too  much  ! — The  many  little  things 
I've  borne  with  in  Titmouse,  that  in  any  one  else  I'd  have 


152  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

—But  why  didn't  he  tell  me,  sir  1  We  should  have  un- 
derstood one  another  in  a  moment." — Here  he  paused 
abruptly ;  for  his  breath  seemed  suddenly  taken  away,  as 
he  reviewed  the  series  of  indignities  which  he  had  latterly 
inflicted  on  Titmouse — the  kind  of  life  which  that  amiable 
young  gentleman  had  led  in  his  establishment. 

Never  had  the  keen  Gammon  enjoyed  any  thing  more 
exquisitely  than  the  scene  which  I  have  been  describing. 
To*  a  man  of  his  practical  sagacity  in  the  affairs  of  life, 
and  knowledge  of  human  nature,  nothing  could  appear 
more  ludicrously  contemptible  than  the  conduct  of  poor 
Tagrag.  How  differently  are  the  minds  of  men  consti- 
tuted !  How  Gammon  despised  Tagrag  !  and  how  the 
reader  must  respect  Gammon  ! 

"  Now,  may  I  take  for  granted,  Mr.  Tagrag,  that  we 
understand  each  other?"  inquired  Gammon. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  Tagrag,  meekly.  "  But  do  you 
think  Mr.  Titmouse  will  ever  forgive  or  forget  the  little 
misunderstanding  we've  lately  had?  If  I  could  but  explain 
to  him  how  I  have  been  acting  a  part  towards  him — all 
for  his  good  !" 

"  You  may  have  opportunities  for  doing  so,  if  you  are 
really  so  disposed,  Mr.  Tagrag ;  for  I  have  something 
seriously  to  propose  to  you.  Circumstances  render  it 
desirable  that  for  some  little  time  this  important  affair 
should  be  kept  as  quiet  as  possible ;  and  it  is  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse's wish,  and  ours — as  his  confidential  professional 
advisers — that  for  some  few  months  he  should  continue  in 
your  establishment,  and  apparently  in  your  service  as 
before." 

"  In  my  service ! — my  service !"  interrupted  Tagrag, 
opening  his  eyes  to  their  utmost.  "  I  shan't,  know  how 
to  behave  in  my  own  premises  !  Have  a  man  with  ten 
thousand  a-year  behind  my  counter,  sir  1  I  might  as  well 
have  the  Lord  Mayor  !  Sir,  it  can't — it  can't  be.  Now, 
if  Mr.  Titmouse  choose  to  become  a  partner  in  the  house 
— ay,  there  might  be  something  in  that — he  needn't  have 
any  trouble — be  only  a  sleeping  partner."  Tagrag  warmed 
with  the  thought.  "  Really,  sir,  that  wouldn't  be  so  much 
amiss — would  it !"  Gammon  assured  him  that  it  was  out 
of  the  question ;  and  gave  him  some  of  the  reasons  for 
the  proposal  which  he  (Mr.  Gammon)  had  been  making. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  153 

While  Gammon  fancied  that  Tagrag  was  paying  profound 
attention  to  what  he  was  saying,  Tagrag's  thoughts  had 
shot  far  ahead.  He  had  an  only  child — a  daughter,  about 
twenty  years  old — Miss  Tabitha  Tagrag ;  and  the  delight- 
ful possibility  of  her  by-and-by  becoming  Mrs.  Titmouse, 
put  her  amiable  parent  into  a  perspiration.  Into  the  pro- 
posal just  made  by  Mr.  Gammon  he  fell  with  great  eager- 
ness, which  he  attempted  to  conceal—for  what  innumer- 
able opportunities  could  it  not  afford  him  for  bringing 
about  the  desire  of  his  heart—for  throwing  the  lovely 
young  couple  into  each  other's  way,  endearing  them  to 
each  other  !  Oh,  delightful !  It  really  looked  almost  as  if 
fate  had  determined  that  the  thing  should  come  to  pass  ! 
If  Mr.  Titmouse  did  not  dine  with  him,  Mrs.  and  Miss 
Tagrag,  at  Satin  Lodge,  Clapham,  on  the  very  next  Sun- 
day, it  should,  Tagrag  resolved,  be  owing  to  no  fault  of 
his. — Mr.  Gammon  having  arranged  every  thing  exactly 
as  he  had  desired,  and  having  again  enjoined  Mr.  Tagrag 
to  absolute  secresy,  took  his  departure.  Mr.  Tagrag,  in 
his  excitement,  thrust  out  his  hand,  and  grasped  that  of 
Gammon,  which  was  extended  towards  him  somewhat 
coldly  and  reluctantly.  Tagrag  attended  him  with  ex- 
treme obsequiousness  to  the  door ;  and  on  his  departure, 
walked  back  rapidly  to  his  own  room,  and  sat  down  for 
nearly  half  an  hour  in  deep  thought.  Abruptly  rising  at 
length,  he  clapped  his  hat  on  his  head,  and  saying  that  he 
should  soon  be  back,  hurried  out  to  call  upon  his  future 
son-in-law,  full  of  affectionate  anxiety  concerning  his 
health — and  vowing  within  himself,  that  thenceforth  it 
should  be  the  study  of  his  life  to  make  his  daughter  and 
Titmouse  happy  !  There  could  be  no  doubt  of  the  reality 
of  the  event  just  communicated  to  him  by  Mr.  Gammon  ; 
for  he  was  a  well-known  solicitor,  and  had  had  an  interview 
on  important  business  with  Titmouse  a  fortnight  ago,  which 
could  have  been  about  nothing  but  the  prodigious  event 
just  communicated  to  himself.  Such  things  had  happened 
to  others— why  not  to  Tittlebat  Titmouse?  In  short, 
Tagrag  had  no  doubt  on  the  matter. 

He  found  Titmouse  not  at  home ;  so  he  left  a  most  par- 
ticular civil  message,  half  a  dozen  times  repeated,  with 
Mrs.  Squallop— to  the  effect  that  he,  Mr.  Tagrag,  should 
be  only  too  happy  to  see  Mr.  Titmouse  at  No.  375,  Oxford 


154  TEN  THOUSAND  A- YEAR. 

Street,  whenever  it  might  suit  his  convenience ;  that  he 
was  most  deeply  concerned  to  hear  of  Mr.  Titmouse's 
indisposition  aricl  anxious  to  learn  from  himself  that  he 
had  recovered,  &c.,  &c,  &c; — all  which,  together  with 
one  or  two  other  little  matters,  which  Mrs.  Squallop  could 
not  help  putting  together,  satisfied  that  shrewd  lady  that 
"  something  was  in  the  wind  about  Mr.  Titmouse ;"  and 
made  her  reflect  rather  anxiously  on  one  or  two  violent 
scenes  she  had  had  with  him,  and  which  she  was  now 
ready  entirely  to  forget  and  forgive.  Having  thus  done 
all  that  at  present  was  in  his  power  to  forward  the  thing, 
the  anxious  and  excited  Tagrag  returned  to  his  shop ;  on 
entering  which,  one  Lutestring,  his  principal  young  man, 
eagerly  apprised  him  of  a  claim  which  he  had,  as  he 
imagined,  only  the  moment  before  established  to  the 
thanks  of  Mr.  Tagrag,  by  having  "  bundled  off,  neck  and 
crop,  that  hodious  Titmouse,"  who,  about  five  minutes 
before,  had,  it  seemed,  had  the  "  impudence"  to  present 
himself  at  the  shop-door,  and  walk  in  as  if  nothing  had 
happened  !  !  Titmouse  had  so  presented  himself,  in  con- 
sequence^ of  a  call  from  Mr.  Gammon,  immediately  after 
his  interview  with  Tagrag. 

"  You — ordered — Mr.  Titmouse — off!"  exclaimed  Tag- 
rag,  starting  back  aghast,  and  stopping  his  voluble  and 
officious  assistant. 

"  Of  course,  sir — after  what  happened  yester " 

"Who  authorized,  you,  Mr.  Lutestring  1"  inquired 
Tagrag,  striving  to  choke  down  the  rage  that  was  rising 
within  him. 

"  Why,  sir,  I  really  supposed  that " 

"  You  supposed  !  You're  a  meddling,  impertinent,  dis- 
gusting"—  Suddenly  his  face  was  overspread  with  smiles, 
as  three  or  four  elegantly  dressed  customers  entered, 
whom  he  received  with  profuse  obeisances.  But  when 
their  backs  were  turned,  he  directed  a  lightning  look 
towards  Lutestring,  and  retreated  once  more  to  his  room, 
to  meditate  on  the  agitating  events  of  the  last  hour.  The 
extraordinary  alteration  in  Mr.  Tagrag's  behaviour  was 
attributed  by  his  shopmen  to  his  having  been  frightened 
out  of  his  wits  by  the  threats  of  Titmouse's  lawyer — for 
such  it  was  clear  the  stranger  was  ;  and  more  than  one 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  155 

of  them  stored  it  up  in  their  minds  as  a  useful  precedent 
against  some  future  occasion. 

Twice  afterwards  during  the  day  did  Tagrag  call  at 
Titmouse's  lodgings — but  in  vain;  and  on  returning  the 
third  time  felt  not  a  little  disquieted.  He  determined,  how- 
ever, to  call  the  first  thing  on  the  ensuing  morning ;  if  he 
should  then  fail  of  seeing  Mr.  Titmouse,  he  was  resolved 
to  go  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon  and  Snap — and  besides, 
address  a  very  affectionate  letter  to  Mr.  Titmouse.  How 
totally  changed  had  become  all  his  feelings  towards  that 
gentleman  within  the  last  few  hours  !  The  more  Tagrag 
reflected  on  Titmouse's  conduct,  the  more  he  saw  in  it  to 
approve  of.  How  steady  and  regular  had  he  been  in  his 
habits  !  how  civil  and  obliging  !  how  patient  of  rebuke  ! 
how  pleasing  in  his  manners  to  the  customers !  Surely, 
surely,  thought  Tagrag,  Titmouse  can't  have  been  four 
long  years  in  my  employ  without  getting  a — sort  of  a— 
feeling — of  attachment  to  me — he'd  have  left  long  ago  if 
he  hadn't  1  It  was  true  there  had  now  and  then  been  tiffs 
between  them  ;  but  who  could  agree  always  1  Even  Mrs. 
Tagrag  and  he,  when  they  were  courting,  often  fell  out 
with  one  another.  Tagrag  was  now  ready  to  forget  and 
forgive  all — he  had  never  meant  any  harm  to  Titmouse. 
He  believed  that  poor  Tittlebat  was  an  orphan,  poor  soul ! 
alone  in  the  wide  world— now  he  would  become  the  prey 
of  designing  strangers.  Tagrag  did  not  like  the  appear- 
ance of  Gammon.  No  doubt  that  person  would  try  and 
ingratiate  himself  as  much  as  possible  with  Titmouse ! 
Then  Titmouse  was  remarkably  good-looking.  "  I  won- 
der what  Tabby  will  think  of  him  when  she  sees  him !" 
How  anxious  Tittlebat  must  be  to  see  her — his  daughter! 
How  could  Tagrag  make  Tittlebat's  stay  at  his  premises 
(for  he  could  not  bring  himself  to  believe  that  on  the  mor- 
row he  could  not  set  all  right,  and  disavow  the  impudent 
conduct  of  Lutestring)  agreeable  and  delightful!  He 
would  discharge  the  first  of  his  young  men  that  did  not 
show  Titmouse  proper  respect.  What  low  lodgings  poor 
Tittlebat  lived  in  !  Why  could  he  not  take  up  his  quar- 
ters at  Satin  Lodge?  They  always  had  a  nice  spare  bed- 
room !  Ah  !  that  would  be  a  stroke !  How  Tabby  could 
endear  herself  to  him  !  What  a  number  of  things  Mrs. 
Tagrag  could  do  to  make  him  comfortable ! 


1  56  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

About  seven  o'clock,  Tagrag  quitted  his  premises,  in 
Oxford  Street,  for  his  country  house ;  and  occupied  with 
these  and  similar  delightful  and  anxious  thoughts  and 
speculations,  hurried  along  Oxford  Street  on  his  way  to 
the  Clapham  stage,  without  thinking  of  his  umbrella, 
though  it  rained  fast.  When  he  had  taken  his  place  on 
the  coach-box,  beside  old  Crack,  (as  he  had  done  almost 
every  night  for  years,)  he  was  so  unusually  silent,  that 
Crack  naturally  thought  his  best  passenger  was  going 
to  become  bankrupt,  or  compound  with  his  creditors,  or 
something  of  that  sort.  Mr.  Tagrag  could  hardly  keep 
his  temper  at  the  slow  pace  old  Crack  was  driving  at — 
just  when  Tagrag  could  have  wished  to  gallop  the  whole 
way.  Never  had  he  descended  with  so  much  briskness, 
as  when  the  coach  at  length  drew  up  before  the  little 
green  gate,  which  opened  on  the  nice  little  gravel  walk, 
which  led  up  to  the  little  green  wooden  porch,  which  shel- 
tered the  slim  door  which  admitted  you  into  Satin  Lodge. 
As  Tagrag  stood  for  a  moment  wiping  his  wet  shoes  upon 
the  mat,  he  could  not  help  observing,  for  the  first  time,  by 
the  inward  light  of  ten  thousand  a-year,  how  uncommon 
small  the  passage  was — and  thinking  that  it  would  never 
do,  when  he  should  be  the  father-in-law  of  a  man  worth 
ten  thousand  a-year — he  could  easily  let  that  house,  and 
take  a  large  one.  As  he  hung  his  hat  upon  the  peg,  the 
mischievous  insolence  of  Lutestring  occurred  to  him ;  and 
he  deposited  such  a  prodigious  execration  upon  that  gen- 
tleman's name,  as  must  have  sunk  a  far  more  buoyant 
sinner  many  fathoms  deeper  than  usual,  into  a  certain  hot 
and  deep  place  that  shall  be  nameless. 

Mrs.  and  Miss  Tagrag  were  sitting  in  the  front  parlour, 
intending  to  take  tea  as  soon  as  Mr.  Tagrag  should  have 
arrived.  It  was  not  a  large  room,  but  furnished  prettily, 
according  to  the  taste  of  the  owners.  There  was  only 
one  window,  and  it  had  a  flaunting  white  summer  cur- 
tain. The  walls  were  ornamented  with  three  pictures,  in 
heavily  gilt  frames,  being  portraits  of  Mr.  Mrs.,  and  Miss 
Tagrag,  and  I  do  not  wish  to  say  more  of  these  pictures, 
than  that  in  each  of  them  the  dress  was  done  with  singu- 
lar exactness  and  fidelity — the  faces  seeming  to  have  been 
painted  in,  in  order  to  complete  the  thing.  The  skinny 
little  Miss  Tagrag  sat  at  the  worn-out,  jingling  piano 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  157 

forte,  playing — oh,  horrid  and  doleful  sound  !  The  Battle 
of  Prague.  Mrs.  Tagrag,  a  fat,  showily  dressed  woman, 
of  about  fifty,  her  cap  having  a  prodigious  number  of  arti- 
ficial flowers  in  it,  sat  reading. 

"  Well,  Dolly,  how  are  you  to-night  ?"  inquired  Tagrag, 
with  unusual  briskness,  on  entering  the  room. 

"Tolerable,  thank  you,  Tag,"  replied  Mrs.  Tagrag, 
mournfully,  with  a  sigh,  closing  the  cheerful  volume  she 
had  been  perusing — it  having  been  recommended  the  pre- 
ceding Sunday  from  the  pulpit  by  its  pious  and  gifted  au- 
thor, Mr.  Horror,  to  be  read  and  prayed  over  every  day 
by  every  member  of  his  congregation. 

"  And  how  are  you,  Tabby  ?"  said  Tagrag,  addressing 
his  daughter.  "Come  and  kiss  me,  you  little  slut — 
come !" 

"  No  I  sha'n't,  pa !  Do  let  me  go  on  with  my  prac- 
tising"— and  twang!  twang  !  went  those  infernal  keys. 

"D'ye  hear,  Tab!  Come  and  kiss  me,  you  little 
minx " 

"  Really,  pa,  how  provoking — just  as  I  am  in  the  middle 
of  the  Cries  of  the  Wounded!     I  sha'n't  ! — that's  flat." 

The  doating  parent  could  not,  however,  be  denied  ;  so 
he  stepped  to  the  piano,  put  his  arm  round  his  dutiful 
daughter's  neck,  kissed  her  fondly,  and  then  stood  for  a 
moment  behind  her,  admiring  her  brilliant  execution  of 
The  Trumpet  of  Victory.  Having  changed  his  coat,  and 
put  on  an  old  pair  of  shoes,  Tagrag  was  comfortable  for 
the  evening. 

"  Tabby  plays  wonderful  well,  Dolly,  don't  she!"  said 
Tagrag,  as  the  tea-things  were  being  brought  in,  by  way 
of  beginning  a  conversation,  while  he  drew  his  chair  nearer 
to  his  wife. 

"  Ah  !  I'd  a  deal  rather  see  her  reading  something  serious 
— for  life  is  short,  Tag,  and  eternity's  long." 

44  Botheration  ! — stuff! — tut  !" 

"  You  may  find  it  out  one  day,  my  dear,  when  its  too 
late " 

»  I'll  tell  you  what,  Dolly,"  said  Tagrag,  angrily,  "  you're 
coming  a  great  deal  too  much  of  that  sort  of  thing — my 
house  is  getting  like  a  Methodist  meeting-house.  I  can't 
bear  it— I  can't!  What  the  deuce  is  come  to  you  all  in 
these  parts,  lately !" 

vol.  i.  14 


158  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Ah,  Tagrag,"  replied  his  wife  with  a  sigh,  "  I  can  only 

pray  for  you — I  can  do  no  more " 

"  Oh !"  exclaimed  Tagrag,  with  an  air  of  desperate 
disgust,  thrusting  his  hands  into  his  pockets,  and  stretching 
his  legs  to  their  utmost  extent  under  the  table.  "  I'll  tell 
you  what,  Mrs.  T."  he  added,  after  a  while,  "  too  much 
of  one  thing  is  good  for  nothing;  you  may  choke  a  dog 
with  pudding ; — I  sha'n't  renew  my  sittings  at  Mr. 
Horror's." 

"  Now,  pa,  do  !  That's  a  love  of  a  pa  I"  interposed 
Miss  Tagrag,  twirling  round  on  her  music-stool.  "  All 
Clapham's  running  after  him— he's  quite  the  rage  !  There's 
the  Dugginses,  the  Pips,  the  Joneses,  the  Maggots — and, 
really,  Mr.  Horror  does  preach  such  dreadful  things,  it's 
quite  delightful  to  look  round  and  see  all  the  people  with 
their  eyes  and  mouths  wide  open—and  ours  is  such  a 
good  pew  for  seeing — and  Mr.  Horror  is  such  a  bee — 
yeautiful  preacher, — isn't  he,  ma  V 

"  Yes,  love,  he  is — but,  I  wish  I  could  see  you  profit 

by  him,  and  preparing  for  death " 

11  Why,  ma,  how  can  you  goon  in  that  ridiculous  way  1 
You  know  I'm  not  twenty  yet !" 

"  Well,  well  !  poor  Tabby  !"  here  Mrs.  Tagrag's  voice 

faltered — "  a  clay  will  come  when " 

"  Play  me  the  Devil  among  the  Tailors,  or  Copenhagen 
Waltz,  or  something  of  that  sort,  Tabby,  or  I  shall  be  sick  ! 
— I  can't  bear  it !" 

"  Well ! — Oh,  my  ! — I  never ! — Mr.  Tagrag  !"  exclaimed 
his  astounded  wife. 

"  Play  away,  Tab,  or  I'll  go  and  sit  in  the  kitchen  ! 

They're  cheerful  there !  The  next  time  I  come  across  Mr. 

Horror,  if  I  don't  give  him  a  bit  of  my  mind," — here  he 

paused,  and  slapped  his  hand  with  much  energy  upon  the 

table.     Mrs.  Tagrag  wiped  her  eyes,  sighed,  and  resumed 

her  book.     Miss  Tagrag  began  to  make   tea,   her   papa 

gradually  forgetting  his  rage,  as  he  fixed  his  dull  gray 

eyes  fondly  on  the  pert  skinny  countenance  of  his  daughter. 

"  By  the  way,  Tag,"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Tagrag,  suddenly, 

but  in  the  same  mournful  tone,  addressing  her  husband, 

you  havn't  of  course  forgot  the  lace  for  my  new  bonnet  ?" 

"  Never  once  thought  of  it,"  replied  Tagrag,  doggedly. 

"You  haven't!     Good  gracious!  what  am  I  to  go  to 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  159 

chapel  in  next  Sunday !"  she  exclaimed,  with  sudden  alarm, 
closing  her  book,  "  and  our  seat  in  the  very  front  of  the 
gallery  !  bless  me  !  I  shall  have  a  hundred  eyes  on  me  !" 

"  Now  that  you're  coming  down  a  bit,  and  dropped  out 
of  the  clouds,  Dolly,"  said  her  husband,  much  relieved, 
"  I'll  tell  you  a  bit  of  news  that  will,  I  fancy,  rather " 

"  Come,  what  is  it,  Tag?"  eagerly  inquired  his  wife. 

"  What  should  you  say  of  a  chance  of  a  certain  some- 
body" (here  he  looked  unutterable  things  at  his  daughter) 
u  that  shall  be  nameless,  becoming  mistress  of  ten  thou- 
sand a-year  !" 

"  Why" — Mrs.  Tagrag  changed  color — "  has  any  one 
fallen  in  love  with  Tab  7" 

"  What  should  you  say  of  our  Tab  marrying  a  man 
with  ten  thousand  a-year  1  There's  for  you  !  Isn't  that 
better  than  all  your  religion  V 

"  Oh  Tag,  don't  say  that ;  but"  (here  she  hastily  turned 
down  the  leaf  of  Groans  from  the  Bottomless  Pit,  and 
tossed  that  inestimable  work  upon  the  sofa)  "  do  tell  me, 
lovy,  what  are  you  talking  about !" 

"  What  indeed,  Dolly r— I'm  going  to  have  him  here  to 
dinner  next  Sunday." 

Miss  Tagrag  having  been  listening  with  breathless 
eagerness  to  this  little  colloquy  between  her  prudent  and 
amiable  parents,  unconscious  of  wThat  she  was  about, 
was  pouring  all  the  tea  into  the  sugar-basin. 

Have  who,  dear  Tag  !"  inquired  Mrs.  Tagrag  impa- 
tiently.    . 

"  Who !  why  whom  but  Tiltlebat  Titmouse  !  You've 
seen  him,  and  heard  me  speak  of  him." 

"  What !  that  odious,  nasty " 

Hush,  hush  !"  involuntarily  exclaimed  Tagrag  with  an 
apprehensive  air — "That's  all  past  and  gone — I  was 
always  too  hard  on  him.  Well,  he's  turned  up  all  of  a 
sudden  master  of  ten  thousand  a-year.  He  has,  indeed 
— you'll  see  if  he  hasn't." 

Mrs.  Tagras  and  her  daughter  sat  in  speechless  wonder. 

»  Where  did  he  see  Tab,  Taggy  !"  at  length  inquired 
Mrs.  Tagrag. 

«  oh— I — I— why— you  see— I  don't  exactly  think  that 
signifies  so  much— he  will  see  her  next  Sunday." 
"  So  then  he's  positively  coming !" 


160  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Y — e — s  ;  I've  no  doubt." — I'll  discharge  Lutestring 
to-morrow,  thought  Tagrag. 

"But  aren't  we  counting  our  chickens,  Tag,  before 
they're  hatched  1  If  Titmouse  is  all  of  a  sudden  become 
such  a  catch,  he'll  be  snapped  up  in  a  minute." 

"  Why,  you  see,  Dolly — we're  first  in  the  market,  I'm 
sure  of  that — his  attorney  tells  me  he's  to  be  kept  quite 
snug  and  quiet  under  my  care  for  months,  and  see  no  one. 
So  when  he  once  gets  sight  of  Tabby,  and  gets  into  her 
company — eh  !  Tab,  sweet !  you'll  do  all  the  rest — hem  !" 

11  La,  pa  !  how  you  go  on  !"  simpered  Miss  Tagrag. 

"  You  must  do  your  part,  Tab,"  said  her  father — we'll 
do  ours.     He'll  bite,  you  may  depend  on  it  !" 

"  What  sort  of  a  looking  young  man  is  he,  dear  pa  1" 
inquired  Miss  Tagrag,  blushing,  and  her  heart  fluttering 
very  fast. 

"  Oh,  you  must  have  seen  him,  sweetest " 

"  How  should  I  ever  notice  any  of  the  lots  of  young 
men  at  the  shop,  pa? — I  don't  at  all  know  him !" 

"  Well — he's  the  handsomest,  most  genteel-looking  fellow 
I  ever  came  across  ;  he's  long  been  an  ornament  to  my 
establishment,  for  his  good  looks  and  civil  and  obliging 
manners " 

"  Dear  me,"  interrupted  Mrs.  Tagrag,  anxiously  address- 
ing her  daughter,  "  I  hope,  Tabby,  that  Miss  Nix  will  send 
home  your  lilac-coloured  frock  by  next  Sunday." 

"  If  she  don't,  ma,  I'll  take  care  she  never  makes  any 
thing  more  for  me." 

"  We'll  call  there  to-morrow,  love,  and  hurry  her  on," 
said  her  mother;  and  from  that  moment  until  eleven 
o'clock,  when  the  amiable  and  interesting  trio  retired  to 
rest,  nothing  was  talked  of  but  the  charming  Titmouse, 
and  the  good  fortune  he  so  richly  deserved,  and  how  long 
the  courtship  was  likely  to  last.  Mrs.  Tagrag,  who  for 
the  last  month  or  so,  had  always  remained  on  her  knees 
before  getting  into  bed,  at  least  ten  minutes,  on  this  event- 
ful evening  compressed  her  prayers,  I  regret  to  say,  into 
one  minute  and  a  half's  time.  As  for  Tagrag,  a  hardened 
heathen,  he  always  tumbled  prayerless  into  bed,  the 
moment  he  was  undressed ;  while  the  accomplished  Miss 
Tabby  Tagrag,  having  taken  only  half  an  hour  to  put  her 
hair  into  papers,  popped  into  bed  directly  she  had  blown 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  161 

the  candle  out,  without  saying  any  prayers — or  even 
thinking  of  finishing  the  novel  which  lay  under  her  pillow, 
and  which  she  had  got  on  the  sly  from  the  circulating 
library  of  the  late  Miss  Snooks.  For  several  hours  she 
lay  in  a  delicious  reverie,  imagining  herself  become  Mrs. 
Tittlebat  Titmouse,  riding  about  Clapham  in  a  handsome 
carriage,  going  to  the  play  every  night ;  and  what  would 
the  three  Miss  Knipp's  say  when  they  heard  of  it — they'd 
burst !  And  such  a  handsome  man,  too  ! 

She  sunk,  at  length,  into  unconsciousness,  amidst  a  soft 
confusion  of  glistening  white  satin — favours — bridesmaids 
—Mrs.  Tittlebat  Tit— Tit— Tit— Tit— mouse. 

Tittlebat,  about  half  past  nine  on  the  ensuing  morning, 
was  sitting  in  his  room  in  a  somewhat  dismal  humour, 
musing  on  many  things,  and  little  imagining  the  intense 
interest  he  had  excited  in  the  feelings  of  the  amiable  occu- 
pants of  Satin  Lodge.  A  knock  at  his  door  startled  him 
out  of  his  reverie.     Behold,  on  opening  it,  Mr.  Tagrag  ! 

"  Your  most  obedient,  sir,"  commenced  that  gentleman, 
in  a  subdued  and  obsequious  manner,  plucking  off  his  hat 
the  instant  that  he  saw  Titmouse.  "  I  hope  you're  better, 
sir  ! — been  very  uneasy,  sir,  about  you." 

M  Please  to  walk  in,  sir,"  replied  Titmouse,  not  a  little 
fluttered — "  I'm  better,  sir,  I  thank  you." 

"  Happy  to  hear  it,  sir !  but  am  also  come  to  offer  humble 
apologies  for  the  rudeness  of  that  upstart  that  was  so  rude 
to  you  yesterday,  at  my  premises — know  whom  I  mean, 
eh? — Lutestring — I  shall  get  rid  of  him,  I  do  think " 

"  Thank  you,   sir But — but — when  I  was  in  your 

employ " 

"  Was  in  my  employ  !"  interrupted  Tagrag,  with  a  sigh, 
— "  Its  no  use  trying  to  hide  it  any  longer  !  I've  all  along 
seen  you  was  a  world  too  good — quite  above  your  situa- 
tion in  my  poor  shop !  I  may  have  been  wrong,  Mr. 
Titmouse,"  he  continued,  diffidently,  as  he  placed  himself 
on  what  seemed  the  only  chair  in  the  room,  "  but  I  did  it 
all  for  the  best— eh  ? — don't  you  understand  me,  Mr. 
Titmouse'?"  Titmouse  continued  looking  on  the  floor, 
incredulously  and  sheepishly. 

"  Very  much  obliged,  sir — but  must  say  you've  rather 
a  funny  way  of  showing  it,  sir.  Look  at  the  sort  of  life 
you've  led  me  for  this — " 

14* 


]02  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  Ah  !  knew  you'd  say  so !  But  I  can  lay  my  hand  on 
my  heart,  Mr.  Titmouse,  and  declare  to  God — I  can, 
indeed,  Mr.  Titmouse."  Titmouse  preserved  a  very  em- 
barrassing silence.  "  See,  I'm  out  of  your  good  books — 
but — won't  you  forget  and  forgive,  Mr.  Titmouse  1  I 
meant  well.  Nay,  I  humbly  beg  forgiveness  for  every 
thing  you've  not  liked  in  me.  Can  I  say  more?  Come, 
Mr.  Titmouse,  you've  a  noble  nature,  and  I  ask  forgive- 
ness." 

«  You — you  ought  to  do  it  before  the  whole  shop," 
replied  Titmouse,  a  little  relenting — "  for  they've  all  seen 
your  goings  on." 

"  Them  ! — the  brutes  ! — the  vulgar  fellows  !  you  and  I, 
Mr.  Titmouse,  are  a  leetle  above  them  !  D'ye  think  we 
ought  to  mind  what  servants  say  ? — Only  say  the  word, 
and  I  make  a  clean  sweep  of  'em  all ;  you  shall  have  the 
premises  to  yourself,  Mr.  Titmouse,  within  an  hour  after 
any  of  those  chaps  shows  you  disrespect." 

"  Ah  !  I  don't  laiow — you've  used  me  most  uncommon 
bad — far  worse  than  they  have — you've  nearly  broke  my 
heart,  sir  !     You  have  !" 

"  Well,  my  womankind  at  home  are  right,  after  all ! 
They  told  me  all  along  1  was  going  the  wrong  way  to 
work,  when  I  said  how  I  tried  to  keep  your  pride  down, 
and  prevent  you  from  having  your  head  turned  by  know- 
ing your  good  looks.  My  little  girl  has  said,  with  tears 
in  her  dear  eyes — '  you'll  break  his  spirit,  dear  papa — if 
he's  handsome,  wasn't  it  God  that  made  him  so?'"  The 
little  frost-work  which  Titmouse  had  thrown  around  his 
heart,  began  to  melt  like  snow  under  sunbeams.  "  The 
women  are  always  right,  Mr.  Titmouse,  and  we're  always 
wrong,"  continued  Tagrag,  earnestly,  perceiving  his  ad- 
vantage. "  Upon  my  soul,  I  could  kick  myself  for  my 
stupidity,  and  cruelty,  too!" 

"  Ah,  I  should  think  so!  No  one  knows  what  I've 
suffered  !  And  now  that  I'm— I  suppose  you've  heard  it 
all,  sir? — what's  in  the  wind — and  all  that?" 

"  Yes,  sir — Mr.  Gammon,  (that  most  respectable  gen- 
tleman,) and  I  have  had  a  long  talk  yesterday  about  you, 
in  which  he  did  certainly  tell  me  every  thing — nothing 
like  confidence,  Mr.  Titmouse,  when  gentleman  meets 
gentleman,  you  know.     It's  really  delightful !" 


TEN  THOUSAND  A -YEAR.  163 

"Isn't  it,  sir?"  eagerly  interrupted  Titmouse,  his  eyes 
glistening  with  sudden  rapture. 

"  Ah !  ten  thous — I  must  shake  hands  with  you,  my 
dear  Mr.  Titmouse;"  and  for  the  first  time  in  their  lives 
their  hands  touched,  Tagrag  squeezing  that  of  Titmouse 
with  energetic  cordiality  ;  while  he  added,  with  a  little 
emotion  in  his  tone — "  Thomas  Tagrag  may  be  a  plain- 
spoken  and  wrong-headed  man,  but  he's  a  warm  heart." 

"  And  did  Mr.  Gammon  tell  you  all,  sir?"  eagerly  inter- 
rupted Titmouse. 

"  Every  thing — every  thing;  quite  confidential,  I  assure 
you,  for  he  saw  the  interest  I  felt  in  you." 

"And  did  he  say  about  my — hem! — eh?  my  stopping 
a  few  weeks  longer  with  you?"  inquired  Titmouse, 
chagrin  overspreading  his  features. 

41 1  think  he  did,  Mr.  Titmouse!  He's  bent  on  it,  sir? 
And  so  would  any  true  friend  of  your's  be — because  you 
see,"  here  he  dropped  his  voice,  and  looked  very  mys- 
teriously at  Titmouse — "  in  short,  I  quite  agree  with  Mr. 
Gammon !" 

"  Do  you  indeed,  sir!"  exclaimed  Titmouse,  with  rather 
an  uneasy  look. 

"  I  do,  i'  faith!  Why,  they'd  give  thousands  and  thou- 
sands to  get  you  out  of  the  way — and  what's  money  to 
them?  But  they  must  look  very  sharp  that  get  at  you  in 
the  premises  of  Thomas  Tagrag.  Talking  of  that,  ah, 
ha  ! — it  will  be  a  funny  thing  to  see  you,  Mr.  Titmouse — 
Squire  Titmouse — ah,  ha,  ha  !" 

"  You  won't  hardly  expect  me  to  go  out  with  goods,  I 
suppose,  sir?" 

"  Ha,  ha,  ha  ! — Ha,  ha,  ha  ! — Might  as  well  ask  me  if 
I'd  set  you  to  clean  my  shoes !  No,  no,  my  dear  Mr. 
Titmouse,  you  and  I  have  done  as  master  and  servant ; 
it's  only  as  friends  that  we  know  each  other  now.  You 
may  say  and  do  whatever  you  like,  and  come  and  go 
when  and  where  you  like. — It's  true  it  will  make  my 
other  hands  rather  jealous,  and  get  me  into  trouble;  but 
what  do  I  care?  Suppose  they  do  all  give  me  warning 
for  your  sake?  Let  'em  go,  say  I!"  He  snapped  his 
fingers  with  an  air  of  defiance.  "  Your  looks  and  man- 
ners would  keep  a  shop  full  of  customers — one  Titmouse 
is  worth  a  hundred  of  them." 


164  TEN  THOUSAND  A -YEAR. 

"  You  speak  uncommon  gentleman-like,  sir,"  said  Tit- 
mouse, with  a  little  excitement — "  and  if  you'd  only 
always — but  that's  all  past  and  gone;  and  I've  no  objec- 
tions to  say  at  once,  that  all  the  articles  I  may  want  in 
your  line  I'll  have  at  your  establishment,  pay  cash  down, 
and  ask  for  no  discount.  And  I'll  send  all  my  friends, 
for,  in  course,  sir,  you  know,  I  shall  have  lots  of  them  !" 

11  Don't  forget  your  oldest,  your  truest,  your  humblest 
friend,  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said  Tagrag,  with  a  cringing  air. 

"  That  I  wont  !" 

It  flashed  across  his  mind  that  a  true  and  old  friend 
would  be  only  too  happy  to  lend  him  a  ten-pound  note. 

"  Hem! — now,  are  you  such  a  friend,  Mr.  Tagrag  V 

"  Am  II — Can  you  doubt  me?  Try  me  !  See  what  I 
could  not  do  for  you  !     Friend,  indeed  !" 

11  Well,  I  believe  you,  sir  !  And  the  fact  is,  a — a — a — 
you  see  Mr.  Tagrag,  though  all  this  heap  of  money's 
coming  to  me,  I'm  precious  low  just  now." 

"  Y — e — e — e — s,  Mr.  Titmouse."  quoth  Tagrag,  anx- 
iously ;  his  dull  gray  eye  fixed  on  that  of  Titmouse  stead- 
fastly, 

"  Well — if  you've  a  mind  to  prove  your  words,  Mr. 
Tagrag,  and  don't  mind  advancing  me  a  ten-pound 
note—" 

"  Hem  !"  involuntarily  uttered  Tagrag,  so  suddenly  and 
violently,  that  it  made  Titmouse  almost  start  off  his  seat. 
Then  Tagrag's  face  flushed  over,  he  twirled  about  his 
watch-key  rapidly,  and  wriggled  about  in  his  chair  with 
visible  agitation. 

"  Oh,  you  aren't  going  to  do  it !  if  so,  you'd  better  say 
it  at  once,"  quoth  Titmouse,  rather  cavalierly. 

"  Why — was  ever  any  thing  so  unfortunate  ?"  stam- 
mered Tagrag.  "  That  cursed  lot  of  French  goods  I 
bought  only  yesterday,  to  be  paid  for  this  morning — and 
it  will  drain  me  of  every  penny !" 

"  Ah — yes!  True!  Well,  it  don't  much  signify,"  said 
Titmouse,  carelessly,  running  his  hand  through  his  hair. 
"In  fact,  I  needn't  have  bothered  an  old  friend;  Mr. 
Gammon  says  he's  my  .banker  to  any  amount.  I  beg 
pardon,  I'm  sure — " 

Tagrag  was  in  a  dire  dilemma.     He  felt  so  frustrated 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  165 

by  the  suddenness  and  seriousness  of  the  thing,  that  he 
could  not  see  his  way  plain  in  any  direction. 

"  Let  me  see,"  at  length  he  stammered ;  and  pulling  a 
ready-reckoner  out  of  his  pocket,  he  affected  to  be  con- 
sulting it,  as  if  to  ascertain  merely  the  state  of  his  banker's 
account,  but  really  desiring  a  few  moments'  time  to  col- 
lect his  thoughts.  'Twas  in  vain,  however;  nothing 
occurred  to  him ;  he  saw  no  way  of  escape;  his  old  friend 
the  devil,  deserting  him  for  the  moment,  supplied  him  with 
no  ready  lie.  He  must,  he  feared,  cash  up.  "  Well," 
said  he — "  it  certainly  is  rather  unfortunate,  just  at  this 
precise  moment ;  but  I'll  step  to  the  shop,  and  see  how 
my  ready-money  matters  stand.  It  sha'n't  be  a  trifle, 
Mr.  Titmouse,  that  shall  stand  between  us.  But — if  I 
should  be  hard  run — perhaps — eh?  Would  a  five-pound 
note  do?" 

"  Why— a — a — if  it  wouldn't  suit  you  to  advance  the 
ten—" 

"  I  dare  say,"  interrupted  Tagrag,  a  trifle  relieved,  "  I 
shall  be  able  to  accommodate  you.  Perhaps  you'll  step 
on  to  the  shop  presently,  and  then  we  can  talk  over 
matters.  By  the  way,  did  you  ever  see  any  thing  so  odd ! 
forgot  the  main  thing;  come  and  take  your  mutton  with 
me  at  CJapham,  next  Sunday — my  womankind  will  be 
quite  delighted.     Nay,  'tis  their  invitation — ha,  ha!" 

"  You're  very  kind,"  replied  Titmouse,  colouring  with 
pleasure.  Here  seemed  the  first  pale  primrose  of  the 
coming  spring — an  invitation  to  Satin  Lodge. 

"  The  kindness  will  be  yours,  Mr.  Titmouse.  We 
shall  be  quite  alone;  have  you  all  to  ourselves;  only  me, 
my  wife,  and  daughter — an  only  child,  Mr.  Titmouse — 
such  a  child  !  She's  really  often  said  to  me,  '  I  wonder' 
— but, — I  won't  make  you  vain,  eh?  May  I  call  it  a 
fixture?" 

"  Ton  my  life,  Mr.  Tagrag,  you're  monstrous  uncom- 
mon polite.  It's  true,  1  was  going  to  dine  with  Mr.  Gam- 
mon— " 

"  Oh  !  pho  !  (I  mean  no  disrespect,  mind  !)  he's  only  a 
bachelor — I've  ladies  in  the  case,  and  all  that— eh,  Mr. 
Titmouse?  and  a  young  one." 

"  Well— thank  you,  sir.     Since  you're  so  pressing — " 

"  That's  it !     An  engagement — Satin  Lodge — for  Sun- 


166  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

day  next,"  said  Tagrag,  rising  and  looking  at  his  watch. 
"Time  for  me  to  be  off.  See  you  soon  at  the  shop? 
Soon  arrange  that  little  matter  of  business,  eh  1  You 
understand  1  Good  by  !  good  by  !"  and  shaking  Titmouse 
cordially  by  the  hand,  Tagrag  took  his  departure.  As  he 
hurried  on  to  his  shop,  he  felt  in  a  most  painful  perplexity 
about  this  loan  of  five  pounds.  It  was  truly  like  squeezing 
five  drops  of  blood  out  of  his  heart.  But  what  was  to  be 
done?  Could  he  offend  Titmouse?  Where  was  he  to 
stop,  if  he  once  began?  Dare  he  ask  for  security  ?  Sup- 
pose the  whole  affair  should  turn  into  smoke  ? 

Now,  consider  the  folly  of  Tagrag.  Here  was  he  in  all 
this  terrible  pucker  about  advancing  five  pounds  on  the 
strength  of  prospects  and  chances  which  he  had  deemed 
safe  for  adventuring  his  daughter  upon — her,  the  only 
object  on  earth  (except  money)  that  he  regarded  with 
anything  like  sincere  affection.  How  was  this?  The 
splendour  of  the  future  possible  good  fortune  of  his 
daughter,  might,  perhaps,  have  dazzled  and  confused  his 
perceptions.  Then,  again,  that  was  a  remote  contingency; 
but  this  sudden  appeal  to  his  pocket — the  demand  of  an 
immediate  outlay  and  venture — was  an  instant  pressure, 
and  he  felt  it  severely.  Immediate  profit  and  loss  was 
every  thing  to  Tagrag.  He  was,  in  truth,  a  tradesman 
to  his  heart's  core.  If  he  could  have  seen  the  immediate 
quid  pro  quo — could  have  got,  if  only  by  way  of  earnest, 
as  it  were,  a  bit  of  poor  Titmouse's  heart,  and  locked  it 
up  in  his  desk,  he  would  not  have  cared  so  much  ;  it 
would  have  been  a  little  in  his  line; — but  here  was  a  five- 
pound  note  going  out  forthwith,  and  nothing  immediate, 
visible,  palpable,  replacing  it.  Oh  !  Titmouse,  had  un- 
consciously pulled  Tagrag's  very  heart-strings  ! 

Observe,  discriminating  reader,  that  there  is  all  the 
difference  in  the  world  between  a  tradesman  and  a  mer- 
chant ;  and,  moreover,  that  it  is  not  every  tradesman  that 
is  a  Tagrag. 

All  these  considerations  combined  to  keep  Tagrag  in  a 
perfect  fever  of  doubt  and  anxiety,  which  several  hearty 
curses  failed  in  effectually  relieving.  By  the  time,  how- 
ever, that  Titmouse  had  made  his  appearance,  with  a 
sufficiently  sheepish  air,  and  was  beginning  to  run  the 
gauntlet  of  grinning  contempt  from  the  choice  youths  on 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  167 

each  side  of  the  shop,  Tagrag  had  determined  on  the 
course  he  should  pursue  in  the  matter  above  referred  to. 
To  the  amazement  and  disgust  of  all  present,  Tagrag 
bolted  out  of  a  little  counting-house  or  side-room,  has- 
tened to  meet  Titmouse  with  out-stretched  hand  and 
cordial  speech,  drew  him  into  his  little  room,  and  shut  the 
door.  There  Tagrag  informed  his  flurried  young  friend 
that  he  had  made  arrangements  (with  a  little  inconve- 
nience, which  signified  nothing,)  for  lending  Titmouse 
five  pounds. 

"  And,  as  life's  uncertain,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse,"  said 
Tagrag,  as  Titmouse,  with  evident  ecstacy,  put  the  five- 
pound  note  into  his  pocket — "  even  between  the  dearest 
friends — eh  ?  Understand  1  It's  not  you  I  fear,  nor  you 
me,  because  we've  confidence  in  each  other.  But  if  any 
thing  should  happen,  those  we  leave  behind  us" — Here 
he  took  out  of  his  desk  an  I.  O.  U.  £5,  ready  drawn  up 
and  dated — "  a  mere  slip — a  word  or  two — is  satisfac- 
tion to  both  of  us." 

"  Oh  yes,  sir !  yes,  sir  ! — any  thing  !"  said  Titmouse  ; 
and  hastily  taking  the  pen  proffered  him,  signed  his  name, 
on  which  Tagrag  felt  a  little  relieved.  Lutestring  was 
then  summoned  into  the  room,  and  then  (not  a  little  to 
his  astonishment)  addressed  by  his  imperious  employer. 
"  Mr.  Lutestring,  you  will  have  the  goodness  to  see  that 
Mr.  Titmouse  is  treated  by  every  person  in  my  establish- 
ment with  the  utmost  respect.  Whoever  treats  this  gen- 
tleman with  the  slightest  disrespect,  isn't  any  longer  a 
servant  of  mine.  D'ye  hear  me,  Mr.  Lutestring  V  added 
Tagrag,  sternly,  observing  a  very  significant  glance  of 
intense  hatred  which  Lutestring  directed  towards  Tit- 
mouse.    "  D'ye  hear  me,  sir!" 

"  Oh,  yes,  sir !  yes,  sir  ! — your  orders  shall  be  attended 
to."  And  leaving  the  room,  with  a  half-audible  whistle 
of  contempt,  while  a  grin  overspread  his  features,  he  had 
within  five  minutes  filled  the  mind  of  every  shopman  in 
the  establishment  with  feelings  of  mingled  wonder,  ha- 
tred, and  fear  towards  Titmouse.  What  could  have 
happened?  What  was  Mr.  Tagrag  about?  This  was 
all  of  a  piece  with  his  rage  at  Lutestring  the  day  before. 
"  D n  Titmouse !"  said  or  thought  every  one. 

Titmouse,  for  the  remainder  of  the  day,  felt,  as  may  be 


168  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

imagined,  but  little  at  his  ease;  for — to  say  nothing  of  his 
insuperable  repugnance  to  the  discharge  of  any  of  his 
former  duties;  his  uneasiness  under  the  oppressive  civi- 
lities of  Mr.  Tagrag;  and  the  evident  disgust  towards 
him  entertained  by  his  companions  ; — many  most  im- 
portant considerations  arising  out  of  recent  and  coming 
events,  were  momentarily  forcing  themselves  upon  his 
attention.  The  first  of  these  was  his  hair ;  for  Heaven 
seemed  to  have  suddenly  given  him  the  long-coveted 
means  of  changing  its  detested  hue;  and  the  next  was — 
an  eyeglass,  without  which,  he  had  long  felt  his  appear- 
ance and  appointments  to  be  painfully  incomplete.  Early 
in  the  afternoon,  therefore,  on  the  readily-admitted  plea 
of  important  business,  he  obtained  the  permission  of  the  ob- 
sequious Tagrag  to  depart  for  the  day ;  and  instantly  direct- 
ed his  seps  to  the  well  known  shop  of  a  fashionable  per- 
fumer and  perruquier,  in  Bond  Street — well  known  to 
those  at  least,  who  were  in  the  habit  of  glancing  at  the  en- 
ticing advertisement  in  the  newspapers.  Having  watched 
through  the  window  till  the  coast  was  clear,  (for  he  felt  a 
natural  delicacy  in  asking  for  a  hair  dye  before  people 
who  could  in  an  instant  perceive  his  urgent  occasion  for 
it,)  he  entered  the  shop,  where  a  well-dressed  gentleman 
was  sitting  behind  the  counter,  reading.  He  was  handsome ; 
and  his  elaborately  curled  hair  was  of  a  heavenly  black 
(so  at  least  Titmouse  considered  it)  that  was  better  than 
a  thousand  printed  advertisements  of  the  celebrated  fluid 
which  formed  the  chief  commodity  there  vended.  Tit- 
mouse, with  a  little  hesitation,  asked  this  gentleman  what 
was  the  price  of  their  article  "  for  turning  light  hair 
black" — and  was  answered—"  only  seven  and  sixpence 
for  the  smaller-sized  bottle."  One  was  in  a  twinkling 
p'aced  upon  the  counter — where  it  lay  like  a  miniature 
mummy,  swathed,  as  it  were,  in  manifold  advertisements. 
"  You'll  find  the  fullest  directions  within,  and  testimonials 
from  the  highest  nobility  to  the  wonderful  efficacy  of  the 
*  Cyanochaitanthropopoion.'  "* 

*  This  fearful-looking  word,  I  wish  to  inform  my  lady  readers  is 
a  monstrous  amalgamation  of  three  or  four  Greek  words — denoting 
a  fluid  "  that  can  render  the  human  hair  black.''''  Whenever  a  barber 
or  perfumer  determines  on  trying  to  puff  off  some  villanous  imposi- 
tion of  this  sort,  strange  to  say,  he  goes  to  some  starving  scholar, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  169 

"  Sure  it  will  do,  sir  !M  inquired  Titmouse  anxiously. 

«'  Is  my  hair  dark  enough  to  your  taste,  sir  V  said  the 
gentleman,  with  a  calm  and  bland  manner,  "  because  I 
owe  it  entirely  to  this  invaluable  specific." 

"  Do  you  indeed,  sir  1"  inquired  Titmouse :  adding, 
with  a  sigh,  "  but  between  ourselves,  look  at  mine !"  and, 
lifting  off  his  hat  for  a  moment,  he  exhibited  a  great  crop 
of  bushy,  carroty  hair. 

"  Whew  !  rather  ugly  that,  sir  !"  exclaimed  the  gentle- 
man, looking  very  serious.  "  What  a  curse  it  is  to  be 
born  with  such  hair  ;  isn't  it !" 

"I  should  think  so,  sir,"  answered  Titmouse,  mourn- 
fully; "  and  do  you  really  think,  sir,  that  this  what's-its- 
name  turned  yours  of  that  beautiful  black]" 

"  Think  !  Ton  my  honour,  sir,  certain ;  no  mistake, 
I  assure  you !  I  was  fretting  myself  into  my  grave  about 
the  colour  of  my  hair !  Why,  sir,  there  was  a  nobleman 
here,  (I  don't  like  to  mention  names,)  the  other  day, 
with  a  head  that  seemed  as  if  it  had  been  dipped  into 
water,  and  then  powdered  with  brick  dust;  but,  I  assure 
you,  the  Cyanochaitantropopoion  was  too  much  for  it ;  it 
turned  black  in  a  very  short  time.  You  should  have  seen 
his  lordship's  ecstasy" — the  speaker  saw  that  Titmouse 
would  swallow  any  thing  ;  so  he  went  on  with  a  confi- 
dential air — "  and  in  a  month's  time  he  had  married  a 
beautiful  woman,  whom  he  had  loved  from  a  child,  but 
who  never  would  marry  a  man  with  such  a  head  of 
hair." 

"  How  long  does  it  take  to  do  all  this,  sir  V'  interrupted 
Titmouse,  eagerly,  with  a  beating  heart. 

"  Sometimes  two,  sometimes  three  days.  In  four  days' 
time,  I'll  answer  for  it,  your  most  intimate  friend  would 
not  know  you.  My  wife  did  not  know  me  for  a  long 
while,  and  would'nt  let  me  salute  her — ha,  ha !"  Here 
another  customer  entered ;  and  Titmouse,  laying  down 
the  five  pound  note  he  had  squeezed  out  of  Tagrag,  put 
the  wonder-working  phial  into  his  pocket,  and,  on  re- 
ceiving his  change,  departed,  bursting  with  eagerness  to 
try  the  effects  of  the  Cyanochaitantropopoion.     Within 

and  gives  him  half-a-cro\vn  lo  coin  a  word  like  the  above,  that  shall 
be  equally  unintelligible  and  unpronounceable,  and  therefore  attrac-, 
tive  and  popular. 

VOL.  1.  15 


170  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

half  an  hour's  time  he  might  have  heen  seen  driving  a 
hard  bargain  with  a  pawnbroker  for  a  massive-looking 
eye  glass,  which,  as  it  hung  suspended  in  the  window,  he 
had  for  months  cast  a  longing  eye  upon ;  and  he  even- 
tually purchased  it  (his  eyesight  I  need  hardly  say,  was 
perfect)  for  only  fifteen  shillings.  After  taking  a  hearty 
dinner  in  a  little  dusky  eating-house  in  Rupert  Street, 
frequented  by  fashionable-looking  foreigners,  with  splendid 
heads  of  curling  hair  and  mustachios,  he  hastened  home. 
Having  lit  his  candle,  and  locked  his  door,  with  tremulous 
fingers  he  opened  the  papers  enveloping  the  little  phial ; 
and  glancing  over  their  contents,  got  so  inflamed  with  the 
numberless  instances  of  its  efficacy,  detailed  in  brief  and 

glowing  terms — the  "  Duke  of ,  the  Countess  of , 

the  Earl  of,  &c.  &c.  &c.  &c. — the  lovely  Miss ,  the 

celebrated  Sir  Little  Bull's-eye,  (who  was  so  gratified  that 
he  allowed  his  name  to  be  used) — all  of  whom,  from  hav- 
ing hair  of  the  reddest  possible  description,  were  now 
possessed  of  ebon-hued  locks" — that  the  cork  was  soon 
extracted  from  the  bottle.  Having  turned  up  his  coat- 
cuffs,  He  commenced  the  application  of  the  Cyanochaitan- 
tropopoion,  rubbing  it  into  his  hair,  eyebrows  and 
whiskers,  with  all  the  energy  he  was  capable  of,  for  up- 
wards of  half  an  hour.  Then  he  read  over  every  syllable 
on  the  papers  in  which  the  phial  had  been  wrapped  ;  and 
about  eleven  o'clock,  having  given  sundry  curious 
glances  at  the  glass,  got  into  bed,  full  of  exciting  hopes 
and  delightful  anxieties  concerning  the  success  of  the  great 
experiment  he  was  trying.  He  could  not  sleep  for  several 
hours.  He  dreamed  a  rapturous  dream — that  he  bowed 
to  a  gentleman  with  coal-black  hair,  whom  he  fancied  he 
had  seen  before — and  suddenly  discovered  that  he  was 
only  looking  at  himself  in  a  glass ! ! — This  woke  him. 
Up  he  jumped,  and  in  a  trice  was  standing  before  his 
little  glass.  Horrid  \  he  almost  dropped  down  dead  !  his 
hair  was  perfectly  green — there  could  be  no  mistake 
about  it.  He  stood  staring  in  the  glass  in  speechless 
horror,  his  eyes  and  mouth  distended  to  their  utmost,  for 
several  minutes.  Then  he  threw  himself  on  the  bed,  and 
felt  fainting.  Up  he  presently  jumped  again — rubbed  his 
hair  desperately  and  wildly  about — again  looking  into  the 
glass — there  it  was,  rougher  than  before ;  but  eyebrows, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  171 

whiskers  and  head — all  were,  if  any  thing,  of  a  more 
vivid  and  brilliant  green.  Despair  came  over  him.  What 
had  all  his  troubles  been  to  this  1 — and  what  was  to  be- 
come of  him  1  He  got  into  bed  again,  and  burst  into  a 
perspiration.  Two  or  three  times  he  got  in  and  out  of 
bed  to  look  at  himself  again — on  each  occasion  deriving 
only  more  terrible  confirmation  than  before  of  the  disaster 
that  had  befallen  him.  After  lying  still  for  some  minutes, 
he  got  out  of  bed,  and  kneeling  down,  tried  to  pray  ;  but 
it  was  in  vain — and  he  rose  half  choked.  It  was  plain 
he  must  have  his  head  shaved,  and  wear  a  wig — that  was 
making  an  old  man  of  him  at  once.  Getting  more  and 
more  disturbed  in  his  miricl,  he  dressed  himself,  half  de- 
termined on  starting  off  to  Bond  Street,  and  breaking 
every  pane  of  glass  in  the  shop  window  of  the  cruel  im- 
postor who  had  sold  him  the  liquid  that  had  so  frightfully 
disfigured  him.  As  he  stood  thus  irresolute,  he  heard 
the  step  of  Mrs.  Squallop  approaching  his  door,  and  re- 
collected that  he  had  ordered  her  to  bring  up  his  tea- 
kettle about  that  time,  paving  no  time  to  take  his  clothes 
off,  he  thought  the  best  thing  he  could  do  would  be  to  pop 
into  bed  again,  draw  his  nightcap  down  to  his  ears  and 
eyebrows,  pretend  to  be  asleep,  and,  turning  his  back 
towTards  the  door,  have  a  chance  of  escaping  the  ob- 
servation of  his  landlady.  No  sooner  thought  of  than 
done.  Into  bed  he  jumped,  and  drew  the  clothes  over 
him — not  aware,  however,  that  in  his  hurry  he  had  left 
his  legs,  with  boots  and  trousers  on,  exposed  to  view — 
an  unusual  spectacle  to  his  landlady,  who  had,  in  fact, 
scarcely  ever  known  him  in  bed  at  so  late  an  hour  before. 
He  lay  as  still  as  a  mouse.  Mrs.  Squallop,  after  glancing 
at  his  legs,  happening  to  direct  her  eyes  towards  the  win- 
dow, beheld  a  small  phial,  only  half  of  whose  dark  con- 
tents were  remaining — of  course  it  was  poison.  In  a 
sudden  fright  she  dropped  the  kettle,  plucked  the  clothes 
off  the  trembling   Titmouse,   and   cried  out — "  Oh,  Mr. 

Titmouse  !  Mr.  Titmouse  !  what  have  you  been " 

"  Well,  ma'am,  what  the  devil  do  you  mean  !  How 
dare  you" — commenced  Titmouse,  suddenly  sitting  up, 
and  looking  furiously  at  Mrs.  Squallop.  A  pretty  figure 
he  was.  He  had  all  his  day  clothes  on  ;  a  white  cotton 
nightcap  was  drawn  down  to  his  very  eyes,  like  a  man 


172  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

going  to  be  hanged;  his  face  was  very  pale,  and  his 
whiskers  were  of  a  bright  green  colour. 

"  Lord-a-mighty  !"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Squallop,  faintly,  the 
moment  that  this  strange  apparition  presented  itself;  and, 
sinking  on  the  chair,  she  pointed  with  a  dismayed  air  to 
the  ominous  looking  object  standing  on  the  window  shelf. 
Titmouse  from  that  supposed  she  had  found  it  all  out. 
"  Well — isn't  it  a  shame,  Mrs.  Squallop?"  said  he,  getting 
off  the  bed,  and,  plucking  off  his  nightcap,  exhibited  the 
full  extent  of  his  misfortune.  "  What  d'ye  think  of  that !" 
he  exclaimed,  staring  wildly  at  her.  Mrs.  Squallop  gave 
a  faint  shriek,  turned  her  head  aside,  and  motioned  him 
away. 

"  I  shall  go  mad — I  shall " 

"  Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear !"  groaned  Mrs.  Squallop,  evi- 
dently expecting  him  to  leap  upon  her.  Presently,  how- 
ever, she  a  little  recovered  her  presence  of  mind,  and 
Titmouse,  stuttering  with  fury,  explained  to  her  what  had 
taken  place.  As  he  went  on,  Mrs.  Squallop  became  less 
and  less  able  to  control  herself,  and  at  length  burst  into  a 
fit  of  convulsive  laughter,  and  sat  holding  her  hands  to 
her  fat  shaking  sides,  as  if  she  would  have  tumbled  off 
her  chair.  Titmouse  was  almost  on  the  point  of  striking 
her!  At  length,  however,  the  fit  went  off;  and,  wiping 
her  eyes,  she  expressed  the  greatest  commiseration  for 
him,  and  proposed  to  go  down  and  fetch  up  some  soft 
soap  and  flannel,  and  try  what  "  a  good,  hearty  wash 
would  do."  Scarce  sooner  said  than  done — but,  alas,  in 
vain  !  Scrub,  scrub — lather,  lather,  lather,  did  they  both  ; 
but  the  instant  the  soap-suds  were  washed  off,  there  was 
the  head  as  green  as  ever. 

"  What  am  I  to  do,  Mrs.  Squallop]"  groaned  Titmouse, 
having  taken  another  look  at  himself  in  the  glass. 

"  Why,  really,  I'd  be  off  to  a  police,  office,  and  have 'em 
all  taken  up,  if  as  how  I  was  you.'" 

"  No — see  if  I  don't  take  that  bottle,  and  make  the  fel- 
low that  sold  it  to  me  swallow  what's  left,  and  I'll  smash 
in  his  shop  front  besides." 

"  Oh  you  won't — you  musn't — not  on  no  account ! 
Stop  at  home  a  bit,  and  be  quiet,  it  may  go  off  with  all 
this  washing,  in  the  course  of  the  day.  Soft  soap  is  an 
uncommon  strong  thing  for  getting  colours  out — but — a 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  173 

— a — excuse  me,  Mr.  Titmouse — why  wasn't  you  satis- 
fied with  the  hair  God  Almighty  had  given  you !  D'ye 
think  he  didn't  know  a  deal  better  than  you  what  was 
best  for  you !  I'm  blest  if  I  don't  think  this  a  judgment 
on  you." 

"  What's  the  use  of  your  standing  preaching  to  me  in 
this  way,  Mrs.  Squallop  !  Ain't  I  half  mad  without  it  rf 
Judgment  or  no  judgment — where's  the  harm  of  my 
wanting  black  hair  any  more  than  black  trousers  1  That 
ain't  your  own  hair,  Mrs.  Squallop — you're  as  gray  as  a 
badger  underneath — I've  often  remarked  it." 

"  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mr.  Himperance  !"  furiously  ex- 
claimed Mrs.  Squallop,  "  you're  a  liar  1  And  you  deserve 
what  you've  got !  It  is  a  judgment,  and  I  hope  it  will 
stick  by  you — so  take  that  for  your  sauce,  you  vulgar 
fellow!  Get  rid  of  your  green  hair  if  you  can  !  It's  only 
carrot  tops  instead  of  carrot  roots — and  some  like  one, 
some  the  other — ha  !  ha  !  ha  !" 

"  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mrs.  Squ — "  he  commenced,  but 
she  had  gone,  having  slammed  to  the  door  behind  her 
with  all  her  force  ;  and  Titmouse  was  left  alone  in  a  half 
frantic  state,  in  which  he  continued  for  neariy  two  hours. 
Once  again  he  read  over  the  atrocious  puffs  which  had 
overnight  inflated  him  to  such  a  degree,  and  he  now  saw 
that  they  were  all  lies.     This  is  a  sample  of  them  : 

"  This  divine  fluid,  (as  it  was  enthusiastically  styled  to 
the  inventor,  by  the  lovely  Duchess  of  Doodle )  possesses 
the  inestimable  and  astonishing  quality  of  changing  hair, 
of  whatever  colour,  to  a  dazzling  jet  black  ;  at  the  same 
time  imparting  to  it  a  rich  glossy  appearance,  which  won- 
derfully contributes  to  the  imposing  tout  ensemble  pre- 
sented by  those  who  use  it.  That  well  known  ornament 
of  the  circle  of  fashion,  the  young  and  lovely  Mrs.  Fitz- 
frippery,  owned  to  the  proprietor,  that  to  this  surprising 
fluid  it  was  that  she  was  indebted  for  those  unrivalled 
raven  ringlets,  which  attracted  the  eyes  of  envying  and 
admiring  crowds,"  and  so  forth.     A  little  farther  on : 

"  This  exquisite  effect  is  not  in  all  cases  produced  in- 
stantaneously ;  much  will  of  course  depend  (as  the  cele- 
brated M.  Dupuyten.of  the  Hotel  Dieu,  at  Paris,  informed 
the  inventor,)  on  the  physical  idiosyncrasy  of  the  party 
using  it,  with  reference  to  the  constituent  particles  of  the 
15* 


174  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

colouring  matter,  constituting  the  fluid  in  the  capillary- 
vessels.  Often  a  single  application  suffices  to  change  the 
most  hopeless-looking  head  of  red  hair  to  as  a  deep  a 
black :  but,  not  unfrequently,  the  hair  passes  through  in- 
termediate  shades  and  lints;  all,  however,  ultimately 
settling  into  a  deep  and  permanent  black." 

This  passage  not  a  little  revived  the  drooping  spirits  of 
Titmouse.  Accidentally,  however,  an  asterisk  at  the  last 
word  in  the  above  sentence,  directed  his  eye  to  a  note  at 
the  bottom  of  the  page,  printed  in  such  minute  type  as 
baffled  any  but  the  strongest  sight  and  most  determined 
eye  to  read,  and  which  said  note  was  the  following : 

"  Though  cases  do,  undoubtedly,  occasionally  occur, 
in  which  the  native  inherent  indestructible  qualities  of  the 
hair  defy  all  attempts  at  change  or  even  modification,  and 
resist  even  this  potent  remedy:  of  which,  however,  in  all 
his  experience"  (the  specific  had  been  invented  for  about 
six  months)  "  the  inventor  has  known  but  very  few  in- 
stances." But  to  this  exceedingly  select  class  of  unfortu- 
nate incurables,  poor  Titmouse  entertained  a  dismal  sus- 
picion that  he  belonged. 

"  Look,  sir.!  look !  Only  look  here  what  your  stuff  has 
done  to  my  hair!"  said  Titmouse,  on  presenting  himself 
soon  after  to  the  gentleman  who  had  sold  him  the  infernal 
liquid;  and,  taking  off  his  hat,  exposed  his  green  hair. 
The  gentleman,  however,  did  not  appear  at  all  surprised 
or  discomposed." 

"  Ah,  yes !  I  see,  I  see.  You're  in  the  intermediate 
stage.     It  differs  in  different  people." 

"  Differs,  sir !  I'm  going  mad  !  I  look  like  a  green 
monkey." 

"  In  me,  the  colour  was  strong  yellow.  But  have  you 
read  the  descriptions  that  are  given  in  the  wrapper  V% 

"I  should  think  so!  Much  good  they  do  me!  Sir, 
you're  a  humbug  ! — an  impostor !  I'm  a  sight  to  be  seen 
for  the  rest  of  my  life !  Look  at  me,  sir !  Eyebrows, 
whiskers,  and  all." 

"  Rather  a  singular  appearance,  just  at  present,  I  must 
own,"  said  the  gentleman,  his  face  turning  suddenly  red 
all  over,  with  the  violent  effort  he  was  making  to  prevent 
an  explosion  of  laughter.  He  soon,  however,  recovered 
himself,  and  added  coolly,  "  if  you'll  only  persevere." 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  175 

"  Persevere !"  interrupted  Titmouse,  violently,  clapping 
his  hat  on  his  head,  "  I'll  teach  you  to  persevere  in  taking 
in  the  public.     I'll  have  a  warrant  out  against  you." 

"  Oh,  my  dear  sir,  I'm  accustomed  to  all  this  !" 

"The — devil  —  you  —  are!"  gasped  Titmouse,  quite 
aghast. 

"  Oh,  often — often,  while  the  liquid  is  performing  the 
first  stage  of  the  change :  but  in  a  day  or  two  afterwards, 
the  parties  generally  come  back  smiling  into  my  shop 
with  heads  as  black  as  crows." 

"No  !  But  really  do  they,  sir?"  interrupted  Titmouse, 
drawing  a  long  breath. 

"  Hundreds,  I  may  say  thousands,  my  dear  sir  !  And 
one  lady  gave  me  a  picture  of  herself,  in  her  black  hair, 
to  make  up  for  her  abuse  of  me  when  it  was  in  a  puce 
colour." 

"  But  do  you  recollect  any  one's  hair  turning  green, 
and  then  getting  black  1"  inquired  Titmouse,  with  trem- 
bling anxiety. 

"  Recollect  any  !  Fifty,  at  least.  For  instance,  there 
was  Lord  Albert  Addlehead ; — but  why  should  I  name 
names  !  I  know  hundreds  !  But  every  thing  is  honour 
and  confidential  here  /" 

"  And  did  Lord  What's-his-name's  hair  go  green,  and 
then  black?  and  was  it  at  first  as  light  as  mine?" 

"His  hair  was  redder,  and  in  consequence  it  became 
greener,  and  now  is  blacker  than  ever  your's  will  be." 

"  Well,  if  I  and  my  landlady  have  this  morning  used 
an  ounce,  we've  used  a  quarter  of  a  pound  of  soft  soap 
in " 

"  Soft  soap  ! — soft  soap  !  That  explains  all."  He  forgot 
how  well  it  had  been  already  explained  by  him.  "  By 
heavens,  sir! — soft  soap!  You  may  have  ruined  your 
hair  for  ever !"  Titmouse  opened  his  eyes  and  mouth 
with  a  start  of  terror,  it  not  occurring  to  him  that  the 
intolerable  green  had  preceded  and  caused,  not  followed, 
the  use  of  the  soft  soap.  "  Go  home,  my  dear  sir !  God 
bless  you — go  home,  as  you  value  your  hair ;  take  this 
small  bottle  of  Damascus  cream,  and  rub  it  in  before  it's 
too  late  ;  and  then  use  the  remainder  of  the " 

"Then  you  don't  think  it's  too  late?"  inquired  Tit- 
mouse, faintly ;  and  having  been  assured  to  the  contrary 


176  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

— having  asked  the  price  of  the  Damascus  cream,  which 
was  only  three-and-sixpence  (stamp  included) — he  paid 
it  with  a  rueful  air,  and  took  his  departure.  He  sneaked 
along  the  streets,  with  the  air  of  a  pickpocket  fearful  that 
every  one  he  met  was  an  officer  who  had  his  eye  on  him. 
He  was  not,  in  fact,  very  far  off  the  mark  ;  for  many  a 
person  smiled,  and  stared,  and  turned  round  to  look  at 
him  as  he  went  along. 

I  wonder,  now,  what  effect  the  perusal  of  these  pages 
must  have  upon  the  reader,  gentle  or  simple,  young  or 
old,  male  or  female,  who  has  shared  the  folly  of  Titmouse 
in  the  particular  now  under  consideration'?  They  cannot 
help  laughing  at  the  trouble  of  Titmouse;  but  it  is  accom- 
panied by  a  blush  at  the  absurd  weakness  of  which  them- 
selves have  been  guilty.  Depend  upon  it,  my  gentleman, 
that  every  man  or  woman  of  sense  who  sees  you,  and 
suspects  or  knows  what  you  have  been  about,  can  scarce 
help  bursting  out  a-laughing  at  you,  and  writes  you  down 
ever  after — ass.  But  if  they  do  this  on  seeing  him  who 
has  so  weakly  attempted  to  disguise  red-coloured  hair, 
what  sorrow,  mingled  with  contempt,  must  they  feel  when 
they  see  a  man,  or  woman,  ashamed  of — gray  hairs — a 
"  crown  of  rejoicing  to  them  that  have  done  well,"  a  mark 
of  one  to  whom  God  has  given  long  life,  as  the  means  of 
gathering  experience  and  wisdom  — and  dishonouring 
those  gray  hairs  by  the  desperate  folly  of  Tittlebat  Tit- 
mouse 1 

Titmouse  slunk  up  stairs  to  his  room,  in  a  sad  state  of 
depression,  and  spent  the  next  hour  in  rubbing  into  his 
hair  the  Damascus  cream.  He  rubbed  till  he  could  hardly 
hold  his  arms  up  any  longer  from  sheer  fatigue.  Having 
risen,  at  length,  to  mark,  from  the  glass,  the  progress  he 
had  made,  he  found  that  the  only  result  of  his  persevering 
exertions  had  been  to  give  a  greasy  shining  appearance 
to  the  hair,  that  remained  as  green  as  ever.  With  a  half- 
uttered  groan  he  sunk  down  upon  a  chair,  and  fell  into  a 
sort  of  abstraction,  which  was  interrupted  by  a  sharp 
knock  at  his  door.  Titmouse  started  up,  trembled,  and 
stood  for  a  moment  or  two  irresolute,  glancing  fear- 
fully at  the  glass ;  and  then  opening  the  door,  let  in  Mr. 
Gammon,  who  started  back  a  pace  or  two,  as  if  he  had 
been  shot,  on  catching  sight  of  the  strange  figure  of  Tit- 


^  TEN  THOUSAND    A-YEAR.  177 

mouse.  It  was  useless  for  Gammon  to  try  to  check  his 
laughter ;  so,  leaning  against  the  door-post,  he  yielded  to 
the  impulse,  and  laughed  without  intermission  for  at  least 
two  minutes.  Titmouse  felt  desperately  angry,  but  feared 
to  show  it ;  and  the  timid,  rueful,  lackadaisical  air  with 
which  he  regarded  the  dreaded  Mr.  Gammon,  only  pro- 
longed and  aggravated  the  agonies  of  that  gentleman. 
When  at  length  he  had  a  little  recovered  himself,  holding 
his  left  hand  to  his  side,  with  an  exhausted  air,  he  entered 
the  little  apartment,  and  asked  Titmouse  what  in  the  name 
of  heaven  he  had  been  doing  to  himself.  "  Without  this" 
(in  the  absurd  slang  of  the  lawyers)  that  he  knew  all  the 
while  quite  well  what  Titmouse  had  been  about ;  but  he 
wanted  the  enjoyment  of  hearing  Titmouse's  own  account 
of  the  matter.  Titmouse,  not  daring  to  hesitate,  complied 
— Gammon  listening  in  an  agony  of  suppressed  laughter, 
all  the  while  seeming  on  the  point  of  bursting  a  blood-ves- 
sel. He  looked  as  little  at  Titmouse  as  he  could,  and  was 
growing  a  little  more  sedate,  when  Titmouse,  in  a  truly 
lamentable  tone,  inquired,  "  What's  the  good,  Mr.  Gam- 
mon, of  ten  thousand  a-year  with  such  a  head  of  hair  as 
this  !"  On  hearing  which  Gammon  jumped  off  his  chair, 
started  to  the  window,  and  such  an  explosion  of  laughter 
followed  as  threatened  to  crack  the  panes  of  glass  before 
him.  This  was  too  much  for  Titmouse,  who  presently 
cried  aloud  in  a  grievous  manner ;  and  Gammon,  sud- 
denly ceasing  his  laughter,  turned  round  and  apologized 
in  the  most  earnest  manner ;  after  which  he  uttered  an 
abundance  of  sympathy  for  the  sufferings  which  "  he  de- 
plored being  unable  to  alleviate."  He  even  restrained 
himself  when  Titmouse  again  and  again  asked  him  if  he 
could  not  "  have  the  law"  of  the  man  who  had  so  imposed 
on  him.  Gammon  diverted  the  thoughts  of  his  suffering 
client,  by  taking  from  his  pocket  some  very  imposing 
packages  of  paper,  tied  round  with  red  tape.  From  time 
to  time,  however,  he  almost  split  his  nose  with  efforts  to 
restrain  his  laughter,  on  catching  a  fresh  glimpse  of  poor 
Titmouse's  emerald  hair. 

Gammon  was  a  man  of  business,  however;  and  in  the 
midst  of  all  this  distracting  excitement,  contrived  to  get 
Titmouse's  signature  to  sundry  papers  of  no  little  conse- 
quence ;  amongst  others,  first,  to  a  bond  conditioned  for 


178  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

the  payment  of  £500;  secondly,  another  for  £10,000; 
and,  lastly,  an  agreement  (of  which  he  gave  Titmouse  an 
alleged  copy)  by  which  Titmouse,  in  consideration  of 
Messrs.  Quirk,  Gammon,  and  Snap,  using  their  best  exer- 
tions to  put  him  in  the  possession  of  the  estate,  &c.  &c, 
bound  himself  to  conform  to  their  wishes  in  every  thing, 
on  pain  of  their  instantly  throwing  up  the  whole  affair, 
looking  out  for  another  heir-at-law,  and  issuing  execution 
forthwith  against  Titmouse  for  all  expenses  incurred 
under  his  retainer.  I  said  that  Gammon  gave  his  con- 
fiding client  an  alleged  copy  of  agreement : — it  was  not  a 
real  copy,  for  certain  stipulations  appeared  in  each  that 
w7ere  not  intended  to  appear  in  the  other,  for  reasons 
which  were  perfectly  satisfactory  to  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam- 
mon, and  Snap.  When  Gammon  had  got  to  this  point,  he 
thought  it  the  fitting  opportunity  for  producing  a  second 
five-pound  note.  He  did  so,  and  put  Titmouse  thereby 
into  an  ecstacy  which  pushed  out  of  his  head  for  a  while 
all  recollection  of  what  had  happened  to  his  hair.  He  had 
at  that  moment  nearly  eleven  pounds  in  hard  cash  !  Gam- 
mon easily  obtained  from  him  an  account  of  his  little 
money  transactions  with  Huckaback — of  which,  however, 
all  he  could  tell  was — that  for  ten  shillings  down,  he  had 
given  a  written  engagement  to  pay  fifty  pounds  on  getting 
the  estate.  Of  this  Gammon  made  a  careful  memorandum, 
explaining  the  atrocious  villany  of  Huckaback — and,  in 
short,  that  if  he  (Titmouse)  did  not  look  very  sharply  about 
him,  he  would  be  robbed  right  and  left ;  so  that  it  was  of 
the  utmost  consequence  to  him  early  to  learn  how  to  dis- 
tinguish between  false  and  true  friends.  Gammon  went 
on  to  assure  him  that  the  instrument  he  had  given  to 
Huckaback  was,  probably,  in  point  of  law,  not  worth  a 
farthing,  on  the  ground  of  its  being  both  fraudulent  and 
usurious  ;  and  intimated  something,  which  Titmouse  did 
not  very  distinctly  comprehend,  about  the  efficacy  of  a 
bill  in  equity  for  a  discovery  ;  which,  at  a  very  insignifi- 
cant expense,  (not  exceeding  £100,)  would  oblige  the 
plaintiff  in  equity  (i.  e.  Huckaback),  by  the  way  of  declar- 
ing, to  give  his  solemn  oath  that  he  had  advanced  the  full 
sum  of  £50 :  and  having  obtained  this  important  and  satis- 
factory result,  Titmouse  would  have  the  opportunity  of 
disproving  the  statement  of  Huckaback—  if  he  could; 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  179 

which  of  course  he  could  not.  By  this  process,  however, 
a  little  profitable  employment  would  have  been  afforded 
to  a  certain  distinguished  firm  in  Saffron  Hill — and  that 
was  something — to  Gammon. 

"  But,  by  the  way,  talking  about  money,"  said  Titmouse, 
suddenly,  "  how  surprising  handsome  Mr.  Tagrag  has 
behaved  to  me !" 

"Indeed,  my  dear  sir  !"  exclaimed  Gammon,  with  real 
curiosity,  "  what  has  he  done  1" 

"  Advanced  me  five  pounds — all  of  his  own  head  !"' 

"  Are  you  serious,  Mr.  Titmouse  V  inquired  Gammon. 

Titmouse  produced  the  change  which  he  had  obtained 
for  Tagrag's  five  pound  note,  minus  only  the  prices  of  the 
Cyanochaitantropopoion,  the  Damascus  Cream,  and  the 
eye-glass.  Gammon  merely  stroked  his  chin  in  a  thought- 
ful manner.  So  occupied,  indeed,  was  he  with  his  reflec- 
tions, that  though  his  eye  was  fixed  on  the  ludicrous 
figure  of  Titmouse,  which  so  shortly  before  had  occasioned 
him  such  paroxysms  of  laughter,  he  did  not  feel  the  least 
inclination  even  to  a  smile.  Tagrag  advanced  Titmouse 
five  pounds  !  Throwing  as  much  smiling  indifference  into 
his  manner  as  was  possible,  he  asked  Titmouse  the  par- 
ticulars of  so  strange  a  transaction.  Titmouse  answered 
(how  truly  the  reader  can  judge)  that  Mr.  Tagrag  had,  in 
the  very  handsomest  way,  volunteered  the  loan  of  five 
pounds ;  and  moreover  offered  him  any  further  sum  he 
might  require ! 

"  What  a  charming  change,  Mr.  Titmouse !"  exclaimed 
Gammon,  with  a  watchful  eye  and  anxious  smile. 

"  Most  delightful !" 

"  Rather  sudden,  too!— eh  1— Mr.  Titmouse?" 

"  Why — no — no;  I  should  say  'pon  my  life,  certainly 
not.  The  fact  is,  we've  long  misunderstood  each  other. 
He's  had  an  uncommon  good  opinion  of  me  all  the  while — 
people  have  tried  to  set  him  against  me;  but  it's  no  use, 
he's  found  them  out — he  told  me  so !  And  he's  not  only 
said,  but  done  the  handsome  thing  !  He's  turned  up,  by 
Jove,  a  trump  all  of  a  sudden — though  it  long  looked  an 
ugly  one." 

"Ha,  ha,  ha! — very! — how  curious!"  exclaimed  Mr. 
Gammon,  mechanically  revolving  several  important  mat- 
ters in  his  mind. 


180  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

"  I'm  going,  too,  to  dine  at  Satin  Lodge,  Mr.  Tagrag's 
country  house,  next  Sunday." 

"  Indeed !  It  will  be  quite  a  change  for  you,  Mr.  Tit- 
mouse." 

"Yes,  it  will,  by  Jove;  and — a — a — what's  more — 
there's — hem  ! — you  understand  ?" 

"  Go  on,  I  beg,  my  dear  Mr.  Titmouse." 

"  There's  a  lady  in  the  case — not  that  she's  said  any 
thing ;  but  a  nod's  as  good  as  a  wink  to  a  blind  horse — 
eh  1  Mr.  Gammon  V 

"  I  should  think  so — Miss  Tagrag  will  have  money,  of 
course  ?" 

"You've  hit  it!  Lots!  But  I've  not  made  up  my 
mind." 

"  I'd  better  undeceive  this  poor  devil  at  once,  as  to  this 
sordid  wretch  Tagrag,"  thought  Gammon,  "  otherwise  the 
cunning  old  rogue  may  get  a  very  mischievous  hold  upon 
him  !  And  a  lady  in  the  case  J  The  old  scamp  has  a 
daughter !  Whew !  this  will  never  do  !  The  sooner  I 
enlighten  my  young  friend  the  better — though  at  a  little 
risk." 

"  It's  very  important  to  be  able  to  tell  who  are  real  and 
who  are  false  friends,  as  I  was  saying  just  now,  my  dear 
Titmouse,"  said  Gammon,  seriously. 

"  I  think  so.  Now  look,  for  instance,  there's  that  fellow 
Huckaback.     I  should  say  he " 

"  Pho !  pho  !  my  dear  sir,  a  mere  beetle — he's  not 
worth  thinking  of,  one  way  or  the  other.  But,  can't  you 
guess  another  sham  friend,  who  has  changed  so  suddenly." 

"  Do  you  mean  Mr.  Tagrag — eh  !" 

"  I  mention  no  names ;  but  it's  rather  odd,  that  when  I 
am  speaking  of  hollow-hearted  friends,  you  should  at  once 
name  Mr.  Tagrag." 

"  The  proof  of  the  pudding — handsome  is  that  hand- 
some does ;  and  I've  got  £5  of  his  money,  at  any  rate." 

"  Of  course,  he  took  no  security  for  such  a  trifle,  be- 
tween such  close  friends  as  you  and  him  1" 

"  Oh — why — now  you  mention  it — but,  'twas  only  a 
line — one  line." 

"  I  knew  it,  my  dear  sir,"  interrupted  Gammon,  calmly, 
with    a    significant    smile — "  Tagrag    and    Huckaback, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  181 

they're  on  a  par — ah,  ha,  ha  !"     My  dear  Titmouse,  you 
are  too  honest  and  confiding  !" 

*  What  keen  eyes  yOu  lawyers  have,  to  be  sure  !  "Well 
— I  never" — he  was  evidently  somewhat  staggered. — "  I 
— I — must  say,"  he  presently  added,  looking  gratefully  at 
Gammon,  "  I  think  I  do  now  know  of  a  true  friend,  that 
sent  me  two  five  pound  notes,  and  never  asked  for  any 
security." 

"  My  dear  sir,  you  really  pain  me  by  alluding  to  such  a 
matter !" 

Oh,  Gammon,  is  not  this  too  bad?  What  are  the 
papers  which  you  know  are  now  in  your  pockets,  signed 
only  this  very  evening  by  Titmouse  ? 

11  You  are  not  a  match  for  Tagrag,  Titmouse  ;  because 
he  was  made  for  a  tradesman — you  are  not.  Do  you 
think  he  would  have  parted  with  his  £5  but  for  value 
received  1     Oh,  Tagrag  !  Tagrag  !" 

"  I — I  really  begin  to  think,  Mr.  Gammon — 'pon  my  soul, 
I  do  think  you're  right." 

"Think! — Why — for  a  man  of  your  acuteness — how 
could  he  imagine  you  could  forget  the  long  course  of  in- 
sult and  tyranny;  that  he  should  change  all  of  a  sudden — 
just  now,  when " 

"  Ay — by  Jove! — just  when  I'm  coming  into  my  pro- 
perty," interrupted  Titmouse,  quickly. 

"  To  be  sure — to  be  sure  ! — Just  now,  I  say,  to  make 
this  sudden  change  !  Bah  !  bah  !" 

"I  hate  Tagrag,  and  always  did.  Now,  he's  trying  to 
take  me  in,  just  as  he  does  every  body;  but  I've  found 
him  out — I  won't  lay  out  a  penny  with  him." 

••  Would  you,  do  you  think,  ever  have  seen  the  inside 
of  Satin  Lodge,  if  you  hadn't " 

"  Why,  I  don't  know — I  really  think — hem  !" 

"  Were  you,  my  dear  sir] — But  now  a  scheme  occurs 
to  me — a  very  amusing  idea.  Shall  I  tell  you  a  way  of 
proving  to  his  own  face  how  insincere  and  interested  he 
is  towards  you  1  Go  to  dinner  by  all  means,  eat  his  good 
things,  hear  all  that  the  whole  set  of  them  have  to  say, 
and  just  before  you  go,  (it  will  require  you  to  have  all 
your  wits  about  you,)  pretend,  with  a  long  face,  that  our 
affair  is  all  a  bottle  of  smoke :  say  that  Messrs.  Quirk, 

vol.  i.  16 


182  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

Gammon,  and  Snap,  have  told  you  the  day  before  that  they 
had  made  a  horrid  mistake." 

"Ton  my  life,  I — I — really — daren't — I  couldn't — I 
couldn't  keep  it  up— he'd  half  kill  me.  Besides,  there 
will  be  Miss  Tagrag,  it  would  be  the  death  of  her,  I  know." 

"Miss  Tagrag!  Gracious  heavens!  What  on  earth 
can  you  have  to  do  with  her?  You — why,  if  you  really 
succeed  in  getting  this  fine  property,  she  might  make  a 
very  suitable  wife  for  one  of  your  grooms." 

"  Ah  !  I  don't  know — she  may  be  a  devilish  fine  girl, 
and  the  old  fellow  will  have  a  tolerable  penny  to  leave  her 
— and  a  bird  in  the  hand — eh?  Besides  I  know  what 
she's  all  along — hem  ! — but  that  doesn't  signify." 

"  Pho  !  pho!  Ridiculous!  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Fancy  Miss 
Tagrag  Mrs.  Titmouse!  Your  eldest  son — ah,  ha,  ha ! 
Tagrag  Titmouse,  Esq.  Delightful.  Your  honoured  father 
a  draper  in  Oxford  Street !"  All  this  might  be  very  clever, 
but  it  did  not  seem  to  tell  upon  Titmouse,  whose  little 
heart  had  been  reached  by  a  cunning  hint  of  Tagrag's, 
concerning  his  daughter's  flattering  estimate  of  Titmouse's 
personal  appearanee.  The  reason  why  Gammon  attacked 
so  seriously  a  matter  which  appeared  so  chimerical  and 
preposterous,  was  this — that,  according  to  his  present  plan, 
Titmouse  was  to  remain  for  some  considerable  while  at 
Tagrag's,  and  with  his  utter  weakness  of  character,  might 
be  worked  upon  by  Tagrag  and  his  daughter,  and  get  in- 
veigled into  an  engagement  which  might  be  productive 
hereafter  of  no  little  embarrassment.  He  succeeded,  how- 
ever, at  length,  in  obtaining  Titmouse's  promise  to  adopt 
his  suggestion,  and  thereby  discover  the  true  nature  of 
the  feelings  entertained  towards  him  at  Satin  Lodge.  He 
shook  Titmouse  energetically  by  the  hand,  and  left  him 
perfectly  certain,  that  if  there  was  one  person  in  the  world 
worthy  of  his  esteem,  and  even  reverence,  that  person 
was  Oily  Gammon,  Esq. 

As  he  bent  his  steps  towards  Saffron  Hill,  he  reflected 
rather  anxiously  on  several  matters  that  had  occurred  to 
him  during  the  interview  which  I  have  just  described. 
On  reaching  the  office,  he  was  presently  closeted  with  Mr. 
Quirk,  to  whom,  first  and  foremost,  he  exhibited  and  de- 
livered the  documents  to  which  he  had  obtained  Tit- 
mouse's signature,  and  which,  the  reader  will  allow  me  to 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  183 

assure  him,  were  of  a  somewhat  different  texture  from  a 
certain  legal  instrument  or  security  which  I  laid  before 
him  some  little  time  ago. 

"  Now,  Gammon,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  as  soon  as 
he  had  locked  up  in  his  safe  the  above-mentioned  docu- 
ments— "  Now,  Gammon,  I  think  we  may  be  up  and  at 
'em  ;  load  our  guns,  and  blaze  away,"  and  he  rubbed  his 
hands. 

"  Yes,  and  long  enough  we've  been  in  preparation  I 
But  I  just  want  to  name  a  thing  or  two  that  has  occurred 
to  me  while  with  Titmouse."  Then  he  told  him  of  the 
effects  which  had  followed  the  use  of  the  potent  Cyano- 
chaitanthropopoion,  at  which  old  Quirk  almost  laughed 
himself  into  fits.  When,  however,  Gammon,  with  a  serious 
air,  mentioned  the  name  of  Miss  Tagrag,  and  his  grave 
suspicions  concerning  her,  Quirk  bounced  up  out  of  his 
chair,  almost  startling  Gammon  out  of  his.  If  he  had  just 
been  told  that  his  banker  had  broke,  he  could  scarce  have 
shown  more  emotion. 

The  fact  was,  that  he,  too,  had  a  daughter — an  only 
child — Miss  Quirk — whom  he  had  destined  to  become 
Mrs.  Titmouse. 

"  A  designing  old  villain  !"  he  exclaimed  at  length ;  and 
Gammon  agreed  with  him  ;  but,  strange  to  say,  with  all 
his  acuteness,  never  adverted  to  the  real  cause  of  Quirk's 
sudden  and  vehement  exclamation.  When  Gammon  told 
him  of  the  manner  in  which  he  had  opened  Titmouse's 
eyes  to  the  knavery  of  Tagrag,  and  the  expedient  he  had 
suggested  for  its  demonstration,  Quirk  could  have  wor- 
shipped Gammon,  and  could  not  help  rising  and  shaking 
him  energetically  by  the  hand,  much  to  his  astonishment. 
After  a  long  consultation,  two  things  were  agreed  upon 
by  the  partners;  to  look  out  fresh  lodgings  for  Titmouse, 
and  remove  him  presently  altogether  from  the  company 
and  influence  of  Tagrag.  Some  time  after  they  had  parted, 
Quirk  came  with  an  eager  air  into  Mr.  Gammon's  room, 
with  a  most  important  suggestion,  viz.,  whether  it  would 
not  be  possible  for  them  to  get  Tagrag  to  become  a  surety 
to  them,  by  and  by,  on  behalf  of  Titmouse !  Gammon 
was  delighted !  He  heartily  commended  Mr.  Quirk's 
sagacity,  and  promised  to  turn  it  about  in  his  thoughts 
very  carefully.     Not  having  been  let  entirely  into  Quirk's 


184  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

policy,  (of  which  the  reader  has,  however,  just  had  a 
glimpse,)  he  did  not  see  the  difficulties  which  kept  Quirk 
awake  almost  all  that  night — how  to  protect  Titmouse 
from  the  machinations  of  Tagrag  and  his  daughter,  and 
yet  keep  Tagrag  sufficiently  interested  in,  and  intimate 
with  Titmouse,  to  entertain,  by  and  by,  the  idea  of  becom- 
ing surety  for  him  to  them,  the  said  Messrs.  Quirk,  Gam- 
mon, and  Snap;  and  how  to  manage  Titmouse  all  the 
while,  so  as  to  forward  their  objects,  and  also  that  of 
turning  his  attention  towards  Miss  Quirk,  was  really  a 
rather  difficult  problem.  Quirk  looked  down  on  Tagrag 
with  honest  indignation,  as  a  mean  and  mercenary  fellow, 
whose  unprincipled  schemes,  thank  Heaven  !  he  already 
saw  through,  and  from  which  he  determined  to  rescue  his 
innocent  and  confiding  client,  who  was  made  for  better 
things — to  wit,  Miss  Quirk. 

When  Titmouse  rose  the  next  morning,  (Saturday,) 
behold  —  he  found  his  hair  had  become  of  a  variously 
shaded  purple  or  violet  colour  !  Astonishment  and  ap- 
prehension by  turns  possessed  him,  as  he  stared  into  the 
glass,  at  this  unlooked  for  change  of  colour ;  and  hastily 
dressing  himself,  after  swallowing  a  very  slight  breakfast, 
off  he  went  once  more  to  the  scientific  establishment  in 
Bond  Street,  to  which  he  had  been  indebted  for  his  recent 
delightful  experiences.  The  distinguished  inventor  and 
proprietor  of  the  Cyanochaitanthropopoion  was  behind 
the  counter  as  usual — calm  and  confident  as  ever. 

"  Ah  !  I  see — as  I  said  !  as  I  said  !  isn't  it ! — coming 
round  quicker  than  usual — really,  I'm  selling  more  of  the 
article  than  I  can  possibly  make." 

"  Well," — at  length  said  Titmouse,  as  soon  as  he  had 
recovered  from  the  surprise  occasioned  by  the  sudden 
volubility  with  which  he  had  been  assailed  on  entering — 
"then  is  it  really  going  on  tolerable  well  ?"  taking  off  his 
hat  and  looking  anxiously  into  a  glass  that  hung  close  by. 

"Tolerable  well!  delightful!  perfect!  couldn't  be  bet- 
ter !  If  you'd  studied  the  thing,  you'd  know,  sir,  that 
purple  is  the  middle  colour  between  green  and  black. 
Indeed,  black  is  only  purple  and  green  mixed,  which  ex- 
plains the  whole  thing  !" 

Titmouse  listened  with  infinite  satisfaction  to  this  phi- 
losophical statement. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  185 

"  Remember,  sir,  my  hair  is  to  come  like  yours — eh  1 
you  recollect,  sir  ?" 

"  I  have  very  little  doubt  of  it,  sir — nay,  I  am  certain 
of  it,  knowing  it  by  experience." 

The  scamp  had  been  hired  expressly  for  the  purpose 
of  lying  thus  in  support  of  the  Cyanochaitanthropoion  ; 
his  own  hair  being  a  natural  black. 

"I  am  going  to  a  grand  dinner,  to-morrow,  sir,"  said 
Titmouse,  "  with  some  devilish  great  people  at  the  west 
end  of  the  town — eh  !  you  understand  !  will  it  do  by  that 
time  !  Would  give  a  trifle  to  get  my  hair  a  shade  darker 
by  that  time — for — hem  ! — most  lovely  girl — eh  1  you 
understand  the  thing  ?  devilish  anxious  and  all  that  sort 
of  thing,  you  know  !" 

«  Yes — I  do,"  replied  the  gentleman  of  the  shop,  in  a 
confidential  tone  ;  and  opening  one  of  the  glass  doors 
behind  him,  took  out  a  bottle  considerably  larger  than 
the  first,  and  handed  it  to  Titmouse.  "  This,"  said  he, 
••  will  complete  the  thing  ;  it  combines  chemically  with 
the  purple  particles,  and  the  result  is — generally  arrived 
at  in  about  two  days'  time " 

11  But  it  will  do  something  in  a  night's  time — eh  1 — 
surely." 

"  I  should  think  so !  But  here  it  is — it  is  called  the 
Tetaragmenon  .Abracadabra." 

44  What  a  name!"  exclaimed  Titmouse,  with  a  kind  of 
awe.     "  Ton  honour,  it  almost  takes  one's  breath  away — " 

"  It  will  do  more,  sir— it  will  take  your  red  hair  away  ! 
By  the  way,  only  the  day  before  yesterday,  a  lady  of  high 
rank,  (between  ourselves  Lady  Caroline  Carrot,)  whose 
red  hair  always  seemed  as  if  it  would  have  set  her  bon- 
net in  a  blaze,  came  here,  after  two  days  use  of  the  Cy- 
anochaitanthropopoion,  and  one  day's  use  of  this  Tetarag- 
menon  Abracadabra — and  asked  me  if  I  knew  her.  Upon 
my  soul  I  did  not,  till  she  solemnly  assured  me  that  she 
was  really  Lady  Caroline  !" 

M  How  much  is  it  ?"  eagerly  inquired  Titmouse,  thrust- 
ing his  hand  into  his  pocket,  with  no  little  excitement. 

44  Only  nine-and-six pence." 

44  Good  gracious,  what  a  price  !— nine-and-six " 

41  Would  you  believe  it,  sir  1  This  extraordinary  fluid 
cost  a  distinguished  German  chemist  his  whole  life  to 
16* 


186  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

bring  to  perfection ;  and  it  contains  expensive  materials 
from  all  the  four  corners  of  the  world." 

"  I've  laid  out  a  large  figure  with  you,  sir,  this  day  or 
two — couldn't  you  say  eight  sh " 

"  We  never  abate,  sir,"  said  the  gentleman,  rather 
haughtily.  Of  course  poor  Titmouse  bought  the  thing; 
not  a  little  depressed,  however,  at  the  heavy  prices  he  had 
paid  for  the  three  bottles,  and  the  uncertainty  he  felt  as 
to  the  ultimate  issue.  That  night,  he  was  so  well  satis- 
fied with  the  progress  which  the  hair  on  his  head  was 
making,  (for  by  candle-light  it  really  looked  very  dark,) 
that  he  resolved — at  all  events  for  the  present — to  leave 
well  alone;  or,  at  the  utmost,  to  try  the  effects  of  the  Te- 
taragmenon  Abracadabra  only  upon  his  eye-brows  and 
whiskers.  Into  them  he  rubbed  the  new  specific  ;  which, 
on  the  bottle  being  opened,  surprised  him  in  two  respects: 
— first,  it  was  perfectly  colourless  ;  secondly,  it  had  a 
most  infernal  smell.  However,  it  was  no  use  hesitating  ; 
he  had  bought  and  paid  for  it ;  and  the  papers  it  was  folded 
in  gave  an  account  of  its  success,  which  was  really  irre- 
sistible and  unquestionable.  Away,  therefore,  he  rubbed 
— and  when  he  had  finished,  got  into  bed,  in  humble  hope 
as  to  the  result,  which  would  be  disclosed  by  the  morn- 
ing's light !  But  would  you  believe  it  ?  When  he  looked 
at  himself  in  the  glass  about  six  o'clock,  (at  which  hour 
he  awoke,)  I  protest  it  as  a  fact,  that  his  eyebrows  and 
whiskers  were  as  white  as  snow;  which,  combining  with 
the  purple  colour  of  the  hair  on  his  head,  rendered  him  one 
of  the  most  astounding  objects  (in  human  shape)  the  eye 
of  man  had  ever  beheld.  There  was  the  wisdom  of  age 
seated  in  his  eyebrows  and  whiskers,  unspeakable  folly 
in  his  features,  and  a  purple  crown  of  wonder  on  his  head. 

Really,  it  seemed  as  if  the  devil  were  wreaking  his 
spite  on  Mr.  Titmouse ! — nay,  perhaps  it  was  the  devil 
himself  who  had  served  him  with  the  bottles  in  Bond  Street. 
Or  was  it  a  mere  ordinary  servant  of  the  devil — some 
greedy,  impudent,  unprincipled  speculator,  who,  desirous 
of  acting  on  the  approved  maxim — Fiat  experimentum  in 
corpore  vili — had  pitched  on  Titmouse  (seeing  the  sort  of 
person  he  was)  as  a  godsend,  quite  reckless  what  effect  he 
produced  on  his  hair,  so  as  the  stuff  was  paid  for,  and  its 
effects  noted  ?     It  might  possibly  have  been  sport  to  the 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  187 

gentleman  of  the  shop,  but  it  was  near  proving  death  to 
poor  Titmouse,  who  really  might  have  resolved  on  throw- 
ing himself  out  of  the  window,  only  that  he  saw  it  was 
not  big  enough  for  a  baby  to  get  through.  He  turned 
aghast  at  the  monstrous  object  which  his  little  glass  pre- 
sented to  him  ;  and  sunk  down  upon  the  bed  with  a  feeling 
as  if  he  were  now  fit  for  death.  As  before,  Mrs.  Squal- 
lop  made  her  appearance  with  his  kettle  for  breakfast. 
He  was  sitting  at  the  table,  dressed,  and  with  his  arms 
folded,  with  a  reckless  air,  not  at  all  caring  to  conceal  the 
new  and  still  more  frightful  change  which  he  had  under- 
gone since  she  saw  him  last.  Mrs.  Squallop  stared  at 
him  for  a  second  or  two  in  silence;  then  stepping  back 
out  of  the  room,  suddenly  drew  to  the  door,  and  stood 
outside,  laughing  vehemently. 

"I'll  kick  you  down  stairs!"  shouted  Titmouse,  rush- 
ing to  the  door,  pale  with  fury,  and  pulling  it  open. 

"  Mr. — Mr. — Titmouse,  you'll  be  the  death  of  me — 
you  will — you  will !"  gasped  Mrs.  Squallop,  almost  black 
in  the  face,  and  the  water  running  out  of  the  kettle,  which 
she  was  unconsciously  holding  in  a  slant.  After  a  while, 
however,  they  got  reconciled.  Mrs.  Squallop  had  fancied 
he  had  been  but  rubbing  chalk  on  his  eyebrows  and  whis- 
kers ;  and  seemed  dismayed  indeed,  on  nearing  the  true 
state  of  the  case.  He  implored  her  to  send  out  for  a  small 
bottle  of  ink;  but  as  it  was  Sunday  morning,  none  could 
be  got — and  she  teased  him  to  try  a  little  blacking !  He 
did;  but  of  course  it  was  useless.  He  sat  for  an  hour 
or  two  in  an  ecstasy  of  grief  and  rage.  What  would  he 
now  have  given  never  to  have  meddled  with  the  hair  which 
God  had  thought  fit  to  send  him  into  the  world  with? 
Alas  !  with  what  mournful  force  Mrs.  Squallop's  words 
again  and  again  recurred  to  him  !  To  say  that  he  eat 
breakfast,  would  be  scarcely  correct.  He  drank  a  single 
cup  of  cocoa,  and  eat  about  three  inches  length  and  thick- 
ness of  a  roll,  and  then  put  away  his  breakfast  things  on 
the  window-shelf.  If  he  had  been  in  the  humour  to  go  to 
church,  how  could  he?  he  would  have  been  turned  out  as 
an  object  involuntarily  exciting  every  body  to  laughter. 

Yet,  poor  soul,  in  this  extremity  of  misery,  he  was  not 
utterly  neglected  ;  for  he  had  that  morning  quite  a  little 
levee.     First  came  Mr.  Snap,  who,  having  quite  as  keen 


188  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

and  clear  an  eye  for  his  own  interest  as  his  senior  partners, 
had  early  seen  how  capable  was  acquaintance  with  Tit- 
mouse of  being  turned  to  his  (Snap's)  great  advantage. 
He  had  come,  therefore,  dressed  very  stylishly,  to  do  a 
little  bit  of  toadying  on  the  sly,  (on  his  own  exclusive  ac- 
count,) and  had  brought  with  him,  for  the  edification  of 
Titmouse,  a  copy  of  that  day's  Sunday  Flash,  which  con- 
tained a  long  account  of  a  bloody  fight  between  Birming- 
ham Bigbones  and  London  Littlego,  for  ^6500  a  side — 
eighty  rounds  were  fought,  both  men  killed,  and  their 
seconds  had  bolted  to  Boulogne.  Poor  Snap,  however, 
though  he  had  come  with  the  best  intentions,  and  the  most 
anxious  wish  to  evince  profound  respect  for  the  future 
master  often  thousand  a  year,  was  quite  taken  by  storm 
by  the  very  first  glimpse  he  got  of  Titmouse,  and  could 
not  for  a  long  while  recover  himself.  He  had  come  to 
ask  Titmouse  to  dine  with  him  at  a  tavern  in  the  Strand, 
where  there  was  to  be  capital  singing  in  the  evening  ;  and 
also  to  accompany  him,  on  the  ensuing  morning,  to  the 
Old  Bailey,  to  hear  "  a  most  interesting  trial"  for  bigamy, 
in  which  Snap  was  concerned  for  the  prisoner — a  mis- 
creant who  had  been  married  to  five  living  women.  Snap 
conceived — and  very  justly — that  it  would  give  Tit- 
mouse a  striking  idea  of  his  (Snap's)  importance,  to  see 
him  so  much,  and  apparently  so  familiarly  concerned  with 
well  known  counsel.  In  his  own  terse  and  quaint  way, 
he  was  explaining  to  Titmouse  the  various  remedies  he 
had  against  the  Bond  Street  impostor,  both  by  indictment 
and  action  on  the  case  ;  nay,  (getting  a  little,  however, 
beyond  his  depth,)  he  assured  the  eager  Titmouse,  that  a 
bill  of  discovery  would  lie  in  equity,  to  ascertain  what  the 
Tetaragmenon  Abracadabra  was  composed  of,  with  a 
view  to  an  indictment  against  the  owner,  when  his  learned 
display  was  interrupted  by  a  double  knock,  and — oh  ! — 
enter  Mr.  Gammon  !  Whether  he  or  Snap  felt  more  dis- 
concerted, I  cannot  say ;  but  Snap  looked  the  most  con- 
fused and  sneaking.  Each  told  the  other  a  lie,  in  as  easy, 
good-natured  a  way  as  he  could  assume,  concerning  the 
object  of  his  visit  to  Mr.  Titmouse.  Thus  they  were  going 
on,  when — another  knock — and,  "Is  this  Mr.  Titmouse's?" 
inquired  a  voice,  which  brought  a  little  colour  into  the 
face  of  both  Gammon  and  Snap;  for  it  was  absolutely  old 


TEN  THOUSAND   A-YEAR.  189 

Quirk,  who  bustled  breathless  into  the  room,  on  his  first 
visit,  and  seemed  completely  confounded  by  the  sight  of 
both  his  partners.  What,  with  this,  and  the  amazing 
appearance  presented  by  Titmouse,  Mr.  Quirk  was  so 
overwhelmed,  that  he  scarce  spoke  a  syllable.  Each  of 
the  three  partners  felt  (in  his  own  way)  exquisite  embar- 
rassment. Huckaback  some  time  afterwards  made  his 
appearance,  but  him  Titmouse  unceremoniously  dismissed 
in  a  twinkling,  in  spite  of  a  vehement  remonstrance.  But 
presently  behold  another  arrival — Mr.  Tagrag,  who  had 
come  to  announce  that  his  carriage,  (i.  e.  a  queer,  rickety, 
little  one-horse  chaise,  with  a  tallow-faced  boy  in  it,  in 
faded  livery.)  was  waiting  to  convey  Mr.  Titmouse  to 
Satin  Lodge,  and  take  him  a  long  drive  in  the  country  ! 
Each  of  these  four  worthies  could  have  spit  in  the  other's 
face  ;  first,  for  detecting,  and  secondly,  for  rivalling  him 
in  his  schemes  upon  Titmouse.  A  few  minutes  after  the 
arrival  of  Tagrag,  Gammon,  half  choked  with  disgust,  and 
despising  himself  even  more  than  his  fellow-visiters,  slunk 
off,  followed  almost  immediately  by  Quirk,  who  was  dying 
to  consult  him  on  this  new  aspect  of  affairs  which  had 
presented  itself.  Snap  (who  ever  since  the  arrival  of 
Messrs.  Quirk  and  Gammon,  had  felt  like  an  ape  in  hot 
irons)  very  shortly  followed  in  the  footsteps  of  his  part- 
ners, having  made  no  engagement  whatever  with  Tit- 
mouse; and  thus  the  enterprising  and  determined  Tagrag 
was  left  master  of  the  field.  He  had,  in  fact,  come  to  do 
business;  and  business  he  determined  to  do.  As  for 
Gammon,  during  the  short  time  he  had  stayed,  how  he 
had  endeared  himself  to  Titmouse,  by  explaining,  not 
aware  that  Titmouse  had  confessed  all  to  Snap,  the  singu- 
lar change  in  the  colour  of  his  hair  to  have  been  occa- 
sioned by  the  intense  mental  anxiety  through  which  he 
had  lately  passed  !  The  anecdotes  he  told  of  sufferers, 
whose  hair  a  single  night's  agony  had  changed  to  all  the 
colours  of  the  rainbow  !  Though  Tagrag  out-stayed  all 
his  fellow-visiters,  in  the  manner  which  has  been  described, 
he  could  not  prevail  upon  Titmouse  to  accompany  him  in 
his  "  carriage,"  for  Titmouse  pleaded  a  pressing  engage- 
ment, (i.  e.  a  desperate  attempt  he  purposed  making  to 
obtain  some  ink,)  but  pledged  himself  to  make  his  appear- 
ance at  Satin  Lodge  at  the  appointed  hour — half-past  three 


190  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

or  four  o'clock.  Away,  therefore,  drove  Tagrag,  de- 
lighted that  Satin  Lodge  would  so  soon  contain  so  re- 
splendent a  visiter — indignant  at  the  cringing,  sycophan- 
tic attentions  of  Messrs.  Q,uirk,  and  Gammon,  and  Snap, 
against  whom  he  resolved  to  put  Titmouse  on  his  guard, 
and  infinitely  astonished  at  the  extraordinary  change  that 
had  taken  place  in  the  colour  of  Titmouse's  hair.  Partly 
influenced  by  the  explanation  which  Gammon  had  given 
of  the  phenomenon,  Tagrag  resigned  himself  to  feelings  of 
simple  wonder.  Titmouse  was  doubtless  passing  through 
stages  of  physical  transmogrification,  corresponding  with 
the  marvellous  change  that  was  taking  place  in  his  cir- 
cumstances; and  for  all  he  (Tagrag)  knew,  other  and 
more  extraordinary  changes  were  going  on ;  Titmouse 
might  be  growing  at  the  rate  of  an  half-inch  a-day,  and 
soon  stand  before  him  a  man  more  than  six  feet  high  ! 
Considerations  such  as  these,  invested  Titmouse  with 
intense  and  overpowering  interest  in  the  estimation  of 
Tagrag;  how  could  he  make  enough  of  him  at  Satin 
Lodge  that  day  ?  If  ever  that  hardened  sinner  felt  in- 
clined to  utter  an  inward  prayer,  it  was  as  he  drove  home 
— that  heaven  would  array  his  daughter  in  angel  hues  to 
the  eyes  of  Titmouse  ! 

My  friend  Tittlebat  made  his  appearance  at  the  gate  of 
Satin  Lodge,  at  about  a  quarter  to  four  o'clock.  Good 
gracious,  how  he  had  dressed  himself  out !  He  conside- 
rably exceeded  his  appearance  when  first  presented  to  the 
reader. 

Miss  Tagrag  had  been  before  her  glass  ever  since  the 
instant  of  her  return  from  chapel,  up  to  within  ten  minutes' 
time  of  Titmouse's  arrival.  An  hour  and  a  half  at  least 
had  she  bestowed  on  her  hair,  disposing  it  in  little  cork- 
screw and  somewhat  scanty  curls,  that  quite  glistened  in 
bear's  grease,  hanging  on  each  side  of  a  pair  of  lean  and 
sallow  cheeks.  The  colour  which  ought  to  have  distri- 
buted itself  over  her  cheeks,  in  roseate  delicacy,  had 
thought  fit  to  collect  itself  into  the  tip  of  her  sharp  little 
nose.  Her  small  gray  eyes  beamed  with  the  gentle  and 
attractive  expression  that  was  perceptible  in  her  father's, 
and  her  projecting  under  lip  reminded  every  body  of  that 
delicate  feature  in  her  mother.  She  was  very  short,  and 
her  figure  rather  skinny  and  angular.     She  wore  her  lilac- 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  191 

coloured  frock ;  her  waist  being  pinched  in  to  a  degree 
that  made  you  think  of  a  fit  of  the  colic  when  you  looked 
at  her.  A  long  red  sash,  tied  in  a  most  elaborate  bow, 
gave  a  very  brilliant  air  to  her  dress  generally.  She 
had  a  thin  gold  chain  round  her  neck,  and  wore  long 
white  gloves ;  her  left  hand  holding  a  pocket-handker- 
chief, which  she  had  suffused  with  bergamotte  that  scented 
the  whole  room.  Mrs.  Tagrag  had  made  herself  very 
splendid,  in  a  red  silk  gown  and  staring  head-dress.  As 
for  Mr.  Tagrag,  whenever  he  was  dressed  in  his  Sunday 
clothes,  he  looked  the  model  of  a  dissenting  minister :  in 
his  black  coat,  waistcoat,  and  trousers,  and  primly  tied 
white  neckerchief,  with  no  shirt-collar  visible.  For  a 
quarter  of  an  hour  had  this  interesting  trio  been  standing 
at  their  parlour  window,  in  anxious  expectation  of  Tit- 
mouse's arrival ;  their  only  amusement  being  the  number- 
less dusty  stage-coaches  driving  every  five  minutes  close 
past  their  gate,  (which  was  about  ten  yards  from  their 
house,)  at  once  enlivening  and  ruralizing  the  scene.  Oh, 
that  poor  laburnum — laden  with  dust,  drooping  with 
drought,  and  evidently  in  the  very  last  stage  of  a  decline 
— that  was  planted  beside  the  little  gate  !  Tagrag  spoke 
of  cutting  it  down ;  but  Mrs.  and  Miss  Tagrag  begged  its 
life  a  little  longer— then  that  subject  dropped.  How  was 
it  that,  though  both  the  ladies  had  sat  under  a  thundering 
discourse  from  Mr.  Dismal  Horror  that  morning — they  had 
never  once  since  thought  or  spoke  of  him  or  his  sermon 
— never  even  opened  his  "  Groam."  The  reason  was 
plain.  They  thought  of  Titmouse,  who  was  bringing 
"  airs  from  heaven  ;"  while  Horror  brought  only  "  blasts 
from  hell" — and  tko*se  they  had  every  day  in  the  week, 
his  sermons  on  the  Sunday,  his  "  Groans  on  the  week- 
day. At  length  Miss  Tagrag's  little  heart  fluttered  vio- 
lently, for  her  papa  told  her  that  Titmouse  was  coming  up 
the  road — and  so  he  was.  Not  dreaming  that  he  could 
be  seen,  he  stood  beside  the  gate  for  a  moment,  under  the 
melancholy  laburnum ;  and,  taking  a  dirty-looking  silk 
handkerchief  out  of  his  hat,  slapped  it  vigorously  about 
his  boots,  (from  which  circumstance  it  may  be  inferred 
that  he  had  walked,)  and  replaced  it  in  his  hat.  Then  he 
unbuttoned  his  surtout,  adjusted  it  nicely,  and  disposed 
his  chain  and  eyeglass  just  so  as  to  let  the  tip  only  of  the 


192  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

latter  be  seen  peeping  out  of  his  waistcoat ;  twitched  up 
his  collar,  plucked  down  his  wrist-bands,  drew  the  tip  of 
a  white  pocket-handkerchief  out  of  the  pocket  in  the  breast 
of  his  surtout,  pulled  a  white  glove  half-way  on  his  left 
hand  ;  and,  having  thus  given  the  finishing  touches  to  his 
toilet,  opened  the  gate,  and — Tittlebat  Titmouse,  Esquire, 
the  great  guest  of  the  day,  for  the  first  time  in  his  life 
(swinging  a  little  ebony  cane  about  with  careless  grace) 
entered  the  domain  of  Mr.  Tagrag. 

The  little  performance  I  have  been  describing,  though 
every  bit  of  it  passing  under  the  eyes  of  Tagrag,  his  wife, 
and  his  daughter,  had  not  excited  a  smile;  their  anxious 
feelings  wTere  too  deep  to  be  reached  or  stirred  by  light 
emotions.     Miss  Tagrag  turned  very  pale  and  trembled. 

"  La,  pa,"  said  she  faintly,  how  could  you  say  he'd  got 
white  eyebrows  and  whiskers  1  They're  a  beautiful 
black." 

Tagrag  was  speechless :  the  fact  was  so — for  Titmouse 
had  fortunately  obtained  a  little  bottle  of  ink.  As  Tit- 
mouse approached  the  house,  (Tagrag  hurrying  out  to 
open  the  door  for  him,)  he  saw  the  two  ladies  standing  at 
the  windows.  Off  went  his  hat,  and  out  dropped  the  silk 
handkerchief,  not  a  little  disconcerting  him  for  the  moment. 
Tagrag,  however,  soon  occupied  his  attention  at  the  door 
with  anxious  civilities,  shaking  him  by  the  hand,  hanging 
up  his  hat  and  stick,  and  then  introducing  him  to  the 
sitting-room.  The  ladies  received  him  with  most  pro- 
found courtesies,  which  Titmouse  returned  with  a  quick 
embarrassed  bow,  and  an  indistinct — "  I  hope  you're  well, 
mem !" 

If  they  had  had  presence  of  mind  enough  to  observe  it, 
the  purple  colour  of  Titmouse's  hair  must  have  surprised 
them  not  a  little;  all  they  could  see,  however,  was — the 
angelic  owner  of  ten  thousand  a-year. 

The  only  person  tolerably  at  his  ease,  and  he  only 
tolerably,  was  Mr.  Tagrag; — and  he  asked  his  guest — 

"Wash  your  hands,  Titmouse,  before  dinner!"  But 
Titmouse  said  he  had  washed  them  before  he  had  come 
out.  The  day  was  hot,  and  he  had  walked  five  miles  at 
a  slapping  pace.  In  a  few  minutes,  however,  he  felt  a 
little  more  assured ;  for  it  was  impossible  for  him  not  to 
perceive  the  awful  deference  with  which  he  was  treated. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  193 

"  Seen  the  Sunday  Flash,  mem  V  said  he,  modestly, 
addressing  Mrs.  Tagrag. 

"  I — I — no — that  is — not  to-day"  she  replied,  colouring. 

"  Vastly  amusing,  isn't  it?"  interposed  Tagrag,  to  pre- 
vent mischief— for  he  knew  his  wife  would  as  soon  have 
taken  a  cockatrice  into  her  hand. 

"  Ye — e — s,"  replied  Titmouse,  who  had  not  even 
glanced  at  the  copy  which  Snap  had  brought  him.  "  An 
uncommon  good  fight  between  Birmingham  Big — " 

Tagrag  saw  his  wife  getting  redder  and  redder.  "  No 
news  stirring  about  Ministers,  is  there  ]"  said  he,  with  a 
desperate  attempt  at  a  diversion. 

"  Not  that  I  have  heard,"  replied  Titmouse.  Soon  he 
got  a  little  further,  and  said  how  cheerful  the  stages  going 
past  must  make  the  house.  Tagrag  agreed  with  him. 
Then  there  was  a  little  pause. 

"  Been  to  church,  mem,  this  morning,  mem?"  timidly 
inquired  Titmouse  of  Miss  Tagrag. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  she  replied,  faintly  colouring,  casting  her 
eyes  to  the  ground,  and  suddenly  putting  her  hand  into 
that  of  her  mother — with  such  an  innocent,  engaging 
simplicity — like  a  timid  fawn  lying  as  close  as  possible  to 
its  dam ! 

"  We  always  go  to  chapel,  sir,"  said  Mrs.  Tagrag,  con- 
fidently, in  spite  of  a  very  fierce  look  from  her  husband ; 
"  the  gospel  isn't  preached  in  the  Church  of  England. 
We  sit  under  Mr.  Horror — a  heavenly  preacher !  You've 
heard  of  Mr.  Horror  7" 

"  Yes,  mem !  Ohs  yes  !  Capital  preacher  !"  replied 
Titmouse,  who  of  course  (being  a  true  church  man)  had 
never  in  his  life  heard  of  Mr.  Horror,  or  any  other  dis- 
senter. 

11  When  will  dinner  be  ready,  Mrs.  T.  ?"  inquired  Tag- 
rag,  abruptly,  and  with  a  very  perceptible  dash  of  stern- 
ness in  his  tone;  but  dinner  was  announced  the  very 
next  moment.  He  took  his  wife's  arm,  and,  in  doing  so, 
gave  it  a  sudden  vehement  pressure,  which,  coupled  with 
a  furious  glance,  explained  to  her  the  extent  to  which  she 
had  incurred  his  anger.  She  thought,  however,  of  Mr. 
Horror,  and  was  silent. 

Titmouse's  proffered  arm  the  timid  Miss  Tagrag  scarcely 
touched  with  the  tip  of  her  finger,  as  she  walked  beside 

vol.  i.  17 


194  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

him  to  dinner.  Titmouse  soon  got  tolerably  composed 
and  cheerful  at  dinner,  (which  consisted  of  a  little  piece  of 
nice  roast  beef,  with  plenty  of  horse-radish,  Yorkshire 
pudding,  a  boiled  fowl,  a  plum  pudding  made  by  Mrs. 
Tagrag,  and  custards  which  had  been  superintended  by 
Miss  Tagrag,)  and,  to  oblige  his  hospitable  host  and 
hostess,  eat  till  he  was  fit  to  burst.  Miss  Tagrag,  though 
really  very  hungry,  eat  only  a  very  small  slice  of  beef, 
and  a  quarter  of  a  custard,  and  drank  a  third  of  a  glass 
of  sherry  after  dinner.  She  never  once  spoke,  except  in 
hurried  answers  to  her  papa  and  mamma;  and,  sitting 
exactly  opposite  Titmouse,  (with  only  a  plate  of  greens 
and  a  boiled  fowl  between  them,)  was  continually  colour- 
ing whenever  their  eyes  happened  to  encounter  one  ano- 
ther, on  which  occasion  hers  would  suddenly  drop,  as  if 
overpowered  by  the  brilliance  of  his.  Titmouse  began  to 
love  her  very  fast.  After  the  ladies  had  withdrawn,  you 
should  have  heard  the  way  that  Tagrag  went  on  with 
Titmouse — I  can  liken  the  two  to  nothing  but  an  old  fat 
spider,  and  a  little  fly. 

"  Will  you  come  into  my  parlour  ? 
Said  the  spider  to  the  fly ;" 

and  it  might  have  been  well  for  Titmouse  to  have  an- 
swered, in  the  language  of  the  aforesaid  fly : — 

"  No,  thank  you,  sir,  I  really  feel 
No  curiosity." 

Titmouse,  however,  swallowed  with  equal  facility  Mr. 
Tagrag's  hard  port  and  his  soft  blarney;  but  all  fools 
have  large  swallows.  When  at  length  Tagrag  alluded  to 
the  painfully  evident  embarrassment  of  his  "  poor  Tabby," 
and  said  he  had  "  now  found  out  what  had  been  so  long 
the  matter  with  her,"  ay,  even  this  went  down,  and 
hemmed,  and  winked  his  eye,  and  drained  his  glass,  Tit- 
mouse began  to  get  flustered,  blushed,  and  hoped  Mr. 
Tagrag  would  soon  "join  the  ladies."  They  did  so, 
(Tagrag  stopping  behind  to  lock  up  the  wine  and  the 
remains  of  the  fruit.)  Miss  Tagrag  presided  over  the  tea 
things.  There  were  muffins,  and  crumpets,  and  reeking- 
hot  buttered  toast;  Mrs.  Tagrag  would  hear  of  no  denial, 


TEN  THOUSAND  A -YEAR.  195 

so  poor  Titmouse,  after  the  most  desperate  resistance 
was  obliged  to  swallow  a  round  of  toast,  half  a  muffin, 
and  an  entire  crumpet,  and  four  cups  of  hot  tea;  after 
which  he  felt  a  very  painful  degree  of  turgidity,  and  a 
conviction  that  he  should  be  able  to  eat  and  drink  nothing 
for  the  remainder  of  the  week. 

After  the  tea  things  had  been  removed,  Tagrag,  direct- 
ing Titmouse's  attention  to  the  piano,  which  was  open, 
(with  some  music  on  it,  ready  to  be  played  from,)  asked 
him  whether  he  TTked  music.  Titmouse,  with  great  eager- 
ness, hoped  Miss  T.  would  give  them  some  music;  and 
she,  after  holding  out  a  long  and  vigorous  siege,  at  length 
asked  her  papa  what  it  should  be. 

"  The  Battle  of  Prague,"  said  her  papa. 

"  Before  Jehovah's  awful  throne,"  hastily  interposed 
her  mamma. 

"  The  Battle,"  sternly  repeated  her  papa. 

11  It's  Sunday  night,  Mr.  T.,"  meekly  rejoined  his  wife. 

"  Which  wUlyou  have,  Mr.  Titmouse]"  inquired  Tag- 
rag,  with  The  Battle  of  Prague  written  in  every  feature 
of  his  face.  Titmouse  almost  burst  into  a  state  of  per- 
spiration. 

"A  little  of  both,  sir,  if  you  please." 

"  Well,"  replied  Tagrag,  slightly  relaxing,  "  that  will  do. 
Split  the  difference— eh  ]  Come,  Tab,  down  with  you. 
Titmouse,  will  you  turn  over  the  music  for  her  1" 

Titmouse  rose,  and  having  sheepishly  taken  his  station 
beside  Miss  Tagrag,  the  performances  commenced  with 
Before  Jehovah's  awful  throne!  But,  mercy  upon  us! 
at  what  a  rate  she  rattled  over  that  "  pious  air."  If  its 
respectable  composer  had  been  present  he  must  have 
gone  into  a  fit ;  but  there  was  no  help  for  it — tne  heart  of 
the  lovely  performer  was  in  The  Battle  of  Prague,  to 
which  she  presently  did  most  ample  justice.  So  much 
were  her  feelings  engaged  in  that  sublime  composition, 
that  the  bursting  of  one  of  the  strings — twang !  in  the 
middle  of  the  "  canonnading"  did  not  at  all  disturb  her; 
and,  as  soon  as  she  had  finished  the  exquisite  M  finale," 
Titmouse  was  in  such  a  tumult  of  excitement,  from  diffe- 
rent causes,  that  he  could  have  shed  tears.  Though  he 
had  never  once  turned  over  the  right  place,  Miss  Tagrag 
thanked   him   for   his  services  with   a   smile  of  infinite 


]96  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

sweetness.  Titmouse  vowed  he  had  never  heard  such 
splendid  music — begged  for  more;  and  away  went  Miss 
Tagrag,  hurried  away  by  her  excitement.  Rondo  after 
rondo,  march  after  march,  for  at  least  half  an  hour;  at  the 
end  of  which  old  Tagrag  suddenly  kissed  her  with  passion- 
ate fondness.  Though  Mrs.  Tagrag  was  horrified  at  the 
impiety  of  all  this,  she  kept  a  very  anxious  eye  on  the 
young  couple,  and  interchanged  with  her  husband  every 
now  and  then,  very  significant  looks.  Shortly  after  nine, 
spirits,  wine,  and  hot  and  cold  water,  were  brought  in. 
At  the  sight  of  them  Titmouse  looked  alarmed— for  he 
knew  that  he  must  take  something  more,  though  he 
would  have  freely  given  five  shillings  to  be  excused — 
for  he  felt  as  if  he  could  not  hold  one  drop  more.  But  it 
was  in  vain.  Willy-nilly*  a  glass  of  gin  and  water  stood 
soon  before  him ;  he  protested  he  could  not  touch  it  unless 
Miss  Tagrag  would  "  take  something" — whereupon,  with 
a  blush,  she  "  thought  she  would"  take  a  wine-glass  of 
sherry  and  water.  This  was  provided  her.  Then  Tag- 
rag  mixed  a  tumbler  of  port  wine  negus  for  Mrs.  Tagrag, 
and  a  great  glass  of  mahogany-coloured  brandy  and 
water  for  himself;  and  then  he  looked  round,  and  felt 
perfectly  happy.  As  Titmouse  advanced  with  his  gin 
and  water,  his  spirits  got  higher  and  higher,  and  his 
tongue  more  fluent.  He  once  or  twice  dropped  the 
"Mr."  when  addressing  Tagrag;  several  times  smiled, 
and  once  even  winked  at  the  embarrassed  Miss  Tagrag. 
Mr.  Tagrag  saw  it,  and  could  not  control  himself — for  he 
had  got  to  the  end  of  his  first  glass  of  brandy  and  water, 
and  mixed  himself  a  second,  quite  as  strong  as  the 
former. 

"  Tab  !  ah,  Tab  !  what  has  been  the  matter  with  you 
all  these  months  1" — and  he  winked  his  eye  at  her  and 
then  at  Titmouse. 

"  Papa !"  exclaimed  Miss  Tagrag,  blushing  up  to  her 
very  temples. 

"  Ah,  Titmouse — Titmouse — give  me  your  hand,"  said 
Tagrag ;  "  you'll  forget  us  all  when  you  are  a  great  man 
— but  we  shall  always  remember  you." 

"  You're  very  good — very  !"  said  Titmouse,  cordially 
returning  the  pressure  of  Tagrag' s  hand.  At  that  instant, 
it  suddenly  occurred  to  him  to  adopt  the  suggestion  of 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  197 

Mr.  Gammon.  Tagrag  was  going  on  very  fast,  indeed, 
about  the  disinterested  nature  of  his  feelings  towards 
Titmouse — towards  whom,  he  said,  he  had  always  felt 
just  as  he  did  at  that  moment — 'twas  in  vain  to  deny  it. 

"I'm  sure  your  conduct  shows  it,  sir,"  commenced 
Titmouse,  feeling  a  shudder  like  that  with  which  a  timid 
bather  approaches  the  margin  of  the  cold  stream.  "  I 
could  have  taken  my  oath,  sir,  you  would  have  refused 
to  let  me  come  into  your  house,  when  you  heard  of  it — " 

"  Ah  ha ! — that's  rather  an  odd  idea,  too.  If  I  felt  a 
true  friendship  for  you  as  plain  Titmouse,  it's  so  likely  I 
should.  My  dear  sir !  it  was  /  that  thought  you  wouldn't 
have  come  into  my  house  !     A  likely  thing  !" 

Titmouse  was  puzzled.  His  perceptions,  never  very 
quick  or  clear,  were  now  undoubtedly  somewhat  obfus- 
cated with  what  he  had  been  drinking.  In  short,  he  did 
not  understand  that  Tagrag  had  not  understood  him  ; 
and  felt  rather  baffled. 

"  What  suprising  ups  and  downs  there  are  in  life,  Mr. 
Titmouse,"  said  Mrs.  Tagrag  respectfully — "  they're  all 
sent  from  above,  to  try  us.  No  one  knows  how  they'd 
behave,  if  as  how  (in  a  manner)  they  were  turned  upside 
down." 

"  I — I  hope,  mem,  I  haven't  done  any  thing  to  show " 

11  Oh  !  my  dear  Titmouse,"  anxiously  interrupted  Tag- 
rag,  inwardly  cursing  his  wife,  who,  finding  she  always 
went  wrong  in  her  husband'3  eyes  whenever  she  spoke  a 
word,  determined  for  the  future  to  stick  to  her  negus — 
"  the  fact  is,  there's  a  Mr.  Horror  here  that's  for  sending 

all  decent  people  to .     He's  filled  my  wife  there  with 

all  sorts  of nay,  if  she  is'nt  bursting  with  cant — so 

never  mind  her.  You  done  any  thing  wrong  !  You're  a 
pattern !" 

14  Well, — I'm  a  happy  man  again,"  resumed  Titmouse, 
resolved  now  to  go  on.  "  And  when  did  they  tell  you  of 
it,  sir  1" 

"  Oh,  a  few  days  ago— a  week  ago,"  replied  Tagrag, 
trying  to  recollect. 

"Why — why — sir — ain't  you  mistaken?"  inquired 
Titmouse  with  a  depressed,  but  at  the  same  time  a 
surprised  air.  M  It  only  happened  this  morning  after  you 
left." 


198  TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR. 

m  Eh — eh — ah,  ha! — What  do  you  mean, Mr.  Titmouse!" 
interrupted  Tagrag,  with  a  sickening  attempt  at  a  smile. 
Mrs.  Tagrag  and  Miss  Tagrag  also  turned  exceedingly 
startled  faces  towards  Titmouse,  who  felt  as  if  a  house 
were  going  to  fall  down  on  him. 

"  Why,  sir," — he  began  to  cry,  (an  attempt  which  was 
greatly  aided  by  the  maudlin  condition  to  which  drink  had 
reduced  him,) — "  till  to-day,  I  thought  I  was  heir  to  ten 
thousand  a-year — and  it  seems  I'm  not — it's  all  a  mistake." 

Tagrag's  face  changed  visibly ;  it  was  getting  frightful 
to  look  at ;  the  inward  shock  and  agony  were  forcing  out 
on  his  slanting  forehead  great  drops  of  perspiration. 

"  What— a — capital — joke — Mr.  Tituiouse  !"  he  gasped, 
drawing  his  handkerchief  over  his  forehead.  Titmouse, 
though  greatly  alarmed,  stood  to  his  gun  pretty  steadily. 

"  I — I  wish  it  was  a  joke  !  Fts  been  no  joke  to  me,  sir. 
There's  another  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  it  seems,  in  Shore- 
ditch,  that's  the  right " 

"  Who  told  you  this,  sir  1— Pho,  I  don't — I  can't  believe 
it,"  said  Tagrag,  in  a  voice  tremulous  between  suppressed 
rage  and  fear. 

"  True,  'pon  my  life.  It  is " 

"  How  dare  you  swear  befere  the  ladies  1  You're  insult- 
ing them,  sir !"  almost  roared  Tagrag.  "  You're  not  a 
gentleman."  He  suddenly  dropped  his  voice,  and,  in  a 
a  trembling  and  most  earnest  manner  asked  Titmouse 
whether  he  was  really  joking  or  serious. 

"  Never  more  serious  in  my  life,  sir." 

"  It's  really  all  up  V 

Titmouse  groaned.  A  satanic  scowl  shot  over  Tagrag's 
disgusting  features. 

"  Oh,  ma — I  do  feel  so  ill !"  faintly  exclaimed  Miss  Tag- 
rag,  turning  deadly  pale.  Titmouse  was  on  the  verge  of 
dropping  on  his  knees,  and  confessing  the  trick,  greatly 
agitated  at  the  effect  produced  on  Miss  Tagrag:  when 
Tagrag's  heavy  hand  was  suddenly  placed  on  his  shoulder, 
and  he  whispered  in  a  fierce  under  tone — "  You  impostor !" 
and  that  stopped  Titmouse,  and  made  something  like  a 
man  of  him.  He  was  a  fearful  fool,  but  he  did  not  want 
for  mere  pluck,  and  now  it  was  roused.  Mrs.  Tagrag 
exclaimed,  "  Oh,  you  shocking  scamp  !"  as  she  passed 
Titmouse,  and  led  her  daughter  out  of  the  room. 


TEN  THOUSAND  A-YEAR.  199 

"If  I'm  an  impostor,  sir,  I'm  no  fit  company  for  you,  I 
suppose,  sir,"  said  Titmouse,  rising. 

41  Pay  me  my  five-pound  note,"  almost  shouted  Tagrag. 

"  Well,  sir,  if  I'm  poor,  I  an't  a  rogue,"  said  Titmouse, 
preparing  to  give  him  what  he  asked  for ;  when  a  faint 
shriek  was  heard,  plainly  from  Miss  Tagrag,  overhead. 
Then  the  seething  caldron  boiled  over.  "You  infernal 
scoundrel,"  said  Tagrag,  almost  choked  with  fury ;  and 
suddenly  seizing  Titmouse  by  the  collar,  scarce  giving 
him  time,  in  passing,  to  get  hold  of  his  hat  and  stick,  he 
urged  him  along  through  the  passage,  down  the  gravel 
walk,  threw  open  the  gate,  thrust  him  furiously  through 
it,  and  sent  after  him  such  a  blast  of  execration,  as  was 
enough  to  drive  him  a  hundred  yards  down  the  road. 
Titmouse  did  not  fully  recover  his  breath  or  his  senses 
for  more  than  half  an  hour  afterwards.  When  he  did, 
the  first  thing  that  occurred  to  him  was,  an  inclination  to 
fall  down  on  his  knees  on  the  open  road,  and  worship  the 
sagacious  and  admirable  Gammon. 

And  now  Tittlebat  Titmouse,  for  some  little  time,  I  have 
done  with  you.  Away  ! — give  room  to  your  betters.  But 
don't  think  that  I  have  yet  "  rifled  all  your  sweetness,"  or 
am  about  to  "  fling  you  like  a  noisome  weed  away." 


END    OF    VOL.    I. 


